On Gender Neutral Parenting (again)

 Because this is how advertising for Lego has changed over 40 years...
 

I've talked about this a bit before in this post from last year and this one.  And I'm going to talk about it again because it's important, and becomes more obviously so the bigger the kidlets get. (And three posts about something important to me over three years isn't really too much, is it?)

The first thing I need to say about our choice in parenting is that it is not about us as parents.  It's about our kids.  I do not do this to feel 'special*' or 'unique' or 'on trend' - I do this because I think it is the best way to grow happy children.

And why will choosing to parent this way make them happy?  Because it allows us to support them in doing whatever pursuits they enjoy most.  We are trying to create a safe environment for them to learn and grow in where they feel comfortable being true to themselves.  If instead we create an environment where we expect that a girl does X thing and a boy does Y thing, if a girl happens to like doing Y thing (or vice-versa) there is a high chance they will end up feeling guilty or uncomfortable about it.  And that's not something we want our kids to feel.

We don't want our kids to grow up thinking it's not ok for boys to cry or for girls to speak their mind.  We don't want them to grow up feeling that they are inferior in any way because of their gender, or that others are.  We don't want gender to impede on their interests and progress.  Instead, we want to encourage all feelings, all interests and all learning we possibly can.

But it's a fact: boys-prefer-cars-and-girls-prefer-dolls you say?  Most studies show this is only true when it is reinforced that boys should play with 'boys toys' and vice versa for girls.  So what I'm saying is that boys prefer to play with 'boys toys' because they are encouraged to do so.  Children pick up on our tone of voice, body language and the type of language we use.  Even if we don't actively say 'play with the boy toy' if we indicate we have a preference for what toys they play with (and how they play with them) they will do their best to please us.  Children display a preference to certain 'gendered' toys when they are rewarded for doing so.  This may be by the smile of a parent or other adult, or because of the responses of their peers.  Which is why often childrens colour preferences change once they start going to kindy, daycare or school as they interact with more people.  It's not because girls are innately attracted to the colour pink.

So if we do our best not to show a preference for what our children play with, or how they play we allow them to learn a wider range of skills than if we only showed a preference for certain toys.  They may prefer playing with dolls to cars, but if they want to play with cars that's ok too.  This is important because children learn through play.  We ensure they have a wide array of things to play with to encourage learning a wide range of skills.

But-it's-pointless-cos-girls-and-boys-are-innately-different you say?  Science (for the most part) says  you're wrong.  There are very few differences between boys and girls.  Most gendered brain theories (which have been latched onto by the media resulting in all kinds of craziness) are based on very small scale studies (the MRI brain activity ones being as small as 16 adults) and are in the minority of neurological gender studies.  And neurological studies on adults are not helpful in proving innate differences between male and female humans anyway because our experiences in life affect our neural pathways.  So there is no telling whether the differences in adult brains are due to biology or experience.  And because we live in such a strongly gendered society, our experiences as men and women differ greatly.  The reason we only hear about the ones which show a difference between boys and girls (or men and women) is because it's more newsworthy than the greater quantity of studies which show little to no difference whatsoever.  So all that boys-are-better-at-spacial stuff and girls-are-better-with-language stuff is bunkum.**

So do I get upset when strangers misgender my kids?  No.  It's irrelevant.  I don't even correct them most of the time.  I purposefully dress my kids gender neutral*** to avoid incurring strongly gendered language from strangers (because strangers love to talk to parents with small children about the gender traits of their child because it's the only information they have to talk about).  Babies look like babies - how could they possibly know that Abby's a girl?   Gender is not the most important aspect of a person - it's just an aspect of a person.

Living in a society that creates a dichotomy around gender is unhealthy.  This is evidenced in our rape culture, our domestic violence rates, our hard man culture and our crazy high male suicide rates.  How do I fight this for the future generation?  By doing my best to change the current culture.  And change begins at home.  Yes, our kids will pick this dichotomy up from the media, their friends, their family etc.  No, I won't hide them under a rock and make them crazy hermit people (that's just as messed up as thigh gap****).  But what I can do is set up a strong foundation for them to understand that (for the most part) gender is a social construct and they are capable of doing many things regardless of their gender.

 Because not only is this dichotomy unhealthy for men and women, but it doesn't take into account everyone in between.  While intersex folk make up only 0.05% of the NZ population, that's still over 200,000 people in New Zealand who are not represented here.  How do you think this makes them feel?  How would you feel if because of this dichotomy you were basically treated as a non person?  If we focus less on putting folk into gender boxes, and more on other things, the world might start to be kinder to our trans communities (who top the charts in depression, addiction and suicide rates) who's only crime is trying to be themselves.  If gender wasn't deemed such a black and white thing, maybe people wouldn't get so het up about people's choices regarding their gender/gender expressions?

I want my kids to be happy in themselves whoever that self may be.  That means if they want to play drums - all good.  If they want to play board-games - all good.  If they want to play netball or rugby or pursue dancing or design or dirt bike racing - all good.  I just want them to feel free to participate in life to the fullest.  It means encouraging diverse learning so they are able to explore a wide range of activities and feel confident doing so.  So if they want a Star Wars birthday party they can have a Star Wars birthday party.  It's at the peak of the zeitgeist right now.  It's not that weird.

 Because why wouldn't anyone love Darth Vader?  Just look at that face.

*         *          *           *         *          *           *         *          *           *         *          *          

So, what can you do to help us parent our kids this way/parent your kids this way?

1) Read Parenting Beyond Pink & Blue: How To Raise Your Kids Free of Gender Stereotypes by Christia Spears Brown.  I have read a LOT of books on this topic, but this is the best.  Least extreme, well researched and most realistic in terms of actual parenting.  Seriously, it's a good, easy read (I read it in under a week with baby brain) and sums up most things I could possibly say regarding gender, feminism and parenting.  You can request it from the library.  It's totally accessible.  And if you would prefer reading something written by a Kiwi read Fathers Raising Daughters by Nigel Latta.  Not actually for Dad's specifically.  Or about daughters specifically.  Great no nonsense ideas for everyone.

2) If books are too hard (and I totally understand this) here are some practical things you can do to help:

- If you still don't understand - ask us questions.  Please.  We are happy to answer them.  We want you to understand, not to feel confused and upset and just generally think we're jerks.  We're not trying to be jerks.  We don't want to be jerks.  Lets start a dialogue.

- Try not to make a deal of gender around the kids.  No 'boys will be boys' or 'that's not very ladylike' talk.  And if you catch yourself doing it (cos it is hard to stop, it's culturally ingrained) just say 'Oops!  What I meant to say was ....'  No-one's perfect (including us).

- Don't make a deal over what the kids are wearing or playing with.  Regardless of if it's a dress or a doll or a truck or a potato.  Don't make it a thing - they're just kids being kids.  Get on board with whatever they're doing/playing and have fun!

- Try to avoid stereotyping - of any kind - about anyone.  Kids are malleable.  They take that stuff on board and it feeds into the gender dichotomy.  If you say 'all boys are penguins' they could take you at your word.  Just saying.  Not helpful.  And not true.

- Re: gifts.  Anything we deem inappropriate (strongly gender biased/pinkpinkpink/promoting negative body image) will 'disappear'.  Please don't take offense, we are just trying to be good parents to our kids.  There are heaps of toys and clothes that are appropriate.  There are 'experience' gifts (Groupons, zoo passes etc).  Or educational stuff.  Or instruments.  Or craft/building stuff.  Or books.  Or ask us what the kids are into.  Or better yet - just come hang out.  We have enough things.

- Please don't make negative comments about peoples gender preference or sexuality.  Kids can hear you, even when you're not talking to them directly.  And what they don't understand, they will interpret for themselves.

There are a heap more, but that's enough writing for today...

Basically, all we're trying to do is not limit our kids potential - and you can help us by not imposing limits on them either.  Think about what limits were (or weren't for those with progressive parents) imposed on you as a child.  How would your life be different if they hadn't (or had) been?  This is all we want for our kids.

* I am pointing this out because certain people close to us/our children seem to have latched onto this notion.  It's just not true.  And pointing this out to us, and to them, and to strangers is totally unhelpful.  I wish we weren't going against the grain.  I wish this were the status quo.  I feel like it's crazy that we live in an environment that is still so pervasively sexist so many years after the 'feminist revolution'.  Pointing this point of difference out in front of our kids undermines the entire reason for us doing this - to make them feel comfortable being who they are.  If it is made a focal point it will become a 'thing', rather than just something normal, which is the goal.

** Read Delusions of Gender by Cordelia Fine for more info on this.

*** Etta chooses her own clothes these days which arrive via hand-me-downs and things she helps us choose for her.  Her favorite colour is still yellow and she tends to choose clothing items based on what's on them rather than their colour.  Her favorite shoes are black and purple and light up when she jumps.  Her wardrobe is an assorted rainbow of things as we have no bans on colours and shop across boy/girl sections based on what she prefers (cos dinosaurs and monsters and penguins and pink and blue things are for everyone).  Now she is walking confidently there are dresses in there too, which she has just started feel comfortable wearing as more every-day wear, but she is generally most happy wearing just a nappy, or nothing at all (which is totally fine with us.  When else do you get to be nakey whenever you like?  It's one of the perks of being a kid as far as I'm concerned) .

**** Check out #5: Men think it's Super Hot.  What men?  When?  I have heard many men utter an array of sexual things at women, but never have I ever heard them yell 'Damn girl, your thigh gap is bangin!'  And even if they did, why should we change our bodies to cater for men?  They're our bodies!  They're for us.  All round crazy. 

On my ever evolving relationship with women and feminism

It is funny looking back on your life and thinking about the person you've been and the person you are becoming.  Especially if, like me, those people are significantly different from each other.  If you'd asked teenage Hannah if she was a feminist she would have probably told you to fuck off.  If you'd asked mid 20's Hannah if she was a feminist she would have probably given you a long rant about how making art in a 'woman's' media doesn't make you a feminist.  But if you ask Hannah now if she's a feminist you will get a straight up 'Yes'.

I think I've always espoused feminist values, but couldn't marry those values with my concept of who 'feminists' were.  And for a big chunk of my life I had difficulty relating to women - I had to reconcile the fact I was a woman before I could even consider my relationship with feminism.

Little Hannah (in the pink) - Calf Club day out in South Head

I grew up (for the most part) a country girl.  In terms of gender typing it meant I got to sit on the fence a bit.  I was expected to do all the usual 'girl' things (have long hair, wear dresses, play with dolls, bake and do jobs around the house), but I also got to do regular 'country' stuff - chop kindling, ride bikes, catch fish, drive farm vehicles and do farm jobs.  It kinda felt like my family subscribed to the 'girls can do anything so long as they do the dishes' kind of thinking.

While this was good to some extent, I also grew up in a predominantly white, affluent farming area where gender typing was standard.  Men who weren't good at farm work were pansies and homos and women who were different from the norm were bitches and sluts.  Feminists were lesbos or dykes.  Throwing like a girl was a bad thing.

For me, growing up as a girl generally seemed like a bad thing.  I didn't fit in well with most other girls.  I was an outspoken, imaginative and bright kid.  I preferred hanging out with boys from an early age as I felt like boys actually did stuff and girls just sat around and talked.  This was reinforced at home where Mum was a passive voice and Dad was anything but.  I saw this as a weakness*, and while I loved my Mum I could not relate to her and did not want to grow up to be her.

I hit puberty early and that further estranged me from my female peers.  I wasn't aware of it at the time, but boys were now interested in me in a different way and some girls perceived me as a threat.  Though I had always been bullied ( I was always a 'nerd'), this was when the girl specific bullying really came into it's own.  I had friends, but never felt a part of anyone's inner circle.  I was lonely, although by no means alone.

I struggled to cope with my new womanly body.  It was a drag.  Suddenly, running was uncomfortable and doing the physical things I used to wasn't the same.  I felt estranged from myself.**

At High School I formed strong bonds with my male peers as, for the most part, I didn't really have to acknowledge my femininity when I was with them.  I could be bright and imaginative and have fun.  I felt more myself with them.  When I look back on teen Hannah though I am sad.  Without meaning to, by attempting to escape her gender she became the antithesis of a feminist.  I can remember a friend telling me how he made his girlfriend clean up after one of his epic parties and just replying 'if she's dumb enough to do it then it's her fucking problem.'  I didn't like or understand other women.  I couldn't empathise with them.  I felt as though I'd escaped the whole equality quandry by just hanging with the boys.  I didn't think it applied to me.

A (15ish) Hannah - one of the boys.

But at the same time I bought into the rape culture that is pervasive in New Zealand.  There were several occasions where I was date raped, on one occasion by a close friend - although at the time I never would have seen it as that.  Every time I was intoxicated.  I was young, I was flirtatious and I was dressed provocatively.  I believed it was my fault.  I felt that if I were stupid enough to put myself in the situation how could it not be?  And despite having said no, several times, every time, I eventually stopped fighting.  Every time.  I felt my giving up was an indication of my consent.

My general attitude toward other women reflected this same culture.  I wolf whistled at women in short skirts on the street.  I belittled other women.  I thought women were generally silly and deserved everything they received as a result.

When I was about twenty I moved into an entirely female flat.  And they were different.  They didn't just sit around not doing anything.  They were kind and warm and open.  And while I had met other girls like this previously***, I had not met them en masse and it was enlightening.  I felt comfortable with myself in a group of other women for (what felt like) the first time.

And at Unitec I found even more like minded ladies (love you guys so much x x).  Whilst studying I also engaged with ideas around feminism academically for the first time.  I was (and am still) grateful for my time with the boys - it meant I took nothing at face value.  Whilst I read a lot about feminism I was still not ready to call myself a feminist.  I felt that much I read did not equate to striving for equality.  Very few texts (at the time) talked about balancing women's liberation with men's liberation.

This was particularly apparent to me having come from a farming background where the male archetype is as ingrained, if not moreso, than that for the ladies.  And having been one of the 'boys' for much of my teenagehood I really felt like there was this whole issue of 'man' that was being ignored.  Like 'man' was this blank slate for projection of all of 'women's' issues, without acknowledging their personhood or needs.  I felt feminism, and (some) feminists I knew at the time took a very one sided approach, and I was horrified to be lumped in with them.

At the same time I felt the feminism I saw around me neglected to acknowledge women's sexuality, or desire to be sexual.  Whilst I completely understood the backlash against being objectified, I couldn't equate that restriction with freedom.  Why couldn't I wear sexy clothes and own my body?  Why couldn't I be intelligent and still enjoy cooking and knitting?  What was wrong with being just a Mum?  I felt as though feminism imposed as many rules on me as the patriarchy.  It was still a regime, just one run by someone else.

The face of an unkempt feminist

Today I am happy to be called a feminist because I take it at its word.  A feminist is supposed to be someone who strives for equal rights.  I am definitely that someone.  I have decided I am ok with people thinking whatever they like about me regardless of this label - that's their problem.

Today there are many subgroups and branches and offshoots of traditional feminism.  There are many new definitions and names for these, so many I don't remember them all.  It's all too confusing.  This is why just being called a feminist is good enough for me.  The main gist of my values is there.  People can pick it apart all they want.  I no longer give a shit.

So do I think women deserve equal pay?  Yes, of course we fucking do!  I would like it if we could compare equal work in equal jobs at equal levels (which is not how this statistic is calculated currently) so we could see exactly wherein the issue the inequality sits****.  But I also think we need more support out there for Dads.  Why aren't there change tables in men's bathrooms too?  Why don't men get support from Maternity Mental Health for the first year too?  When will 'flexitime' be normalised not just for working Mums, but Dad's too?

There has been a lot of work that's gone into giving women choice in terms of staying home or going to work (or both), but not vice versa.  And from a practical perspective this is just stupid.  Cos if I want to go to work, but Murray has less support to stay at home with the kids than I do, it's a no brainer as to who stays at home.  How can we change this dynamic if we're focused on only one side of the picture?

And if we want to break through our rape culture we need to work on breaking down our hard man culture.  Because not only are Kiwi dudes great at sexually (and otherwise) assaulting women, but they are first class at topping themselves.  So it's not really working out so well for anyone.   And whilst us ladies still strive for equal treatment, at least we have our close mates to bitch about it with.  Most of us talk things through, get stuff off our chests and feel ok.  And if we can't do it with our mates, we go and get help.  It's acceptable.  Guys don't seem to feel they can do this.  So what do they do when they're not coping?  They act out.  It's not rocket science.

Anyhow, that's enough ranting for one day.  In summary, today I'm a proud feminist.  It took me a while to get here, but I am comfortable with that path.  I strongly believe in equal rights for all.  Everyone matters.  And everyone should be free to be whoever they are without fear.  So I strive to teach my kids things can be different.  Because they can.  I know they can.

* It took me a long time to understand that not all strength is visible and not all decisions are simple.  I love my Mum to the moon and back and have much respect for her now.

** I have to clarify: I have never felt I was trapped in the wrong body.  I just struggled to feel my athleticism slipping off my bones (how it felt).  I remember that juxtaposition between childhood and adulthood and I didn't like it.  I liked the sameness of childhood - how boys and girls were the same, really.  Just kids.  But I relate strongly to those who are trans or identify as gender queer as I really feel that imposition of gender.  At times it's fine, and others it's uncomfortable to wear.

*** Please don't get me wrong.  I had LOTS of female friends over those growing up years, some whom I was quite close to, still talk to and admire greatly.  I just never felt like I fit into those girl friend groups where there were dynamics, and back chat and gossip and stuff.

**** I suspect it's to do with low paid 'women's industries' like care work, the fact women have to take more time out for childcare which slows career progression and women's higher participation in voluntary work that is doing it.  But I can't know this.  Because we need a few law changes before we can get the statistics to know this for sure.