On Life After Incest

TRIGGER WARNING: Sexual Assault/Incest  
Please, if you choose to read this and feel you need some support phone Victim Support on 0800 842 846 or if in Auckland the HELP foundation crisis line on 09 623 1700

I write this in the hopes that in creating dialogue around this issue I can in a small way make it easier to talk about incestuous sexual abuse.  I write from the position of having family live through this, and it directly impacting on relationships within my family at the present time.  Incestuous abuse has affected many people within my wider family and there has been more than one perpetrator.  While I write this with one person in mind (I had her read this before I posted it), I write with all those people affected in my heart and I am sure there are more of you than I know.  I write from a place of love and sadness.  I write because I have hope.

Not just for my own family, but the many other families who live with this.  Because there are many.  Incest is not uncommon here in NZ, so it feels wrong that we don't talk about it.  One study of 3,000 Kiwi women showed that 1 in 8 women experience incest during their lifetime, which is about 12%*.  This may seem high, but given that in New Zealand we have the 5th worst child abuse record in the OECD, high rates of sexual assault (1 in 5) and extremely high rates of domestic and intimate violence rates (1 in 3) I think it may be even higher.

And we don't talk about it.

While we have the #metoo movement empowering those who have experienced sexual assault to speak out about their experiences, how many of those relate to incest?  Very few.  And while it is fantastic that people are finding their voices through this movement, for those who have experienced incest I can only imagine it makes them feel even more invisible and further alienated in their experience**.  And it saddens me because it is such a common experience.  So the truth is, victims are incest are far from alone in their experiences, yet can still feel so isolated.

In 2017 we elected the highest number of women MP's in NZ history; 46 women.  Of that number, statistically 6 of them will have experienced incest.  2,436,790(ish) women live in New Zealand, of that number 292,415(ish) will have experienced incest.  And those numbers do not include the many boys and men that also experience incest.  And those are not just arbitrary numbers, they represent real human lives.  Think about how many women there are in your family and do the math.

We don't talk about it, but it effects a great deal of us.

For those who live with the experience of incest the impact can be huge.  Associated issues include:***

• Problems with close relationships
• Depression
• Self-destructive behaviours
• Difficulty/fears around parenting
• Issues with sex
• Chronic pain/health issues 

Imagine living with this, living with the associated issues and not telling anyone?  Imagine how lonely and scary that might feel?

Why we don't talk about it isn't difficult to guess.  Shame and fear.  When someone close to you hurts you like this you wonder why they did it.  What did you do to bring this on yourself?  The perpetrator will often tell the victim that for whatever reason, the abuse is their fault.  For victims of incest, the fear is completely rational.  Telling someone can hugely impact every aspect of your life.  What happens when the abuser lives with you?  What happens if your abuser is your caregiver?  What will I lose if I tell someone?  What will happen if no-one believes me?  In speaking up, victims of incest stand to lose a lot.  Telling someone can feel like a huge gamble.

I am writing this because someone in my family gambled on telling us.

There is no need to go into specifics over the many abuses she has survived.  All I will say is that the abuse happened for years over her childhood and beyond and it was violent.  The reason it has only come out recently is because she (like many other victims of sexual assault) had repressed memories that started surfacing.  The impact on her life has been huge.  She cannot remember a time in her life before she was abused.  As a consequence, she is neurologically wired differently to those who grow up with healthy childhoods****.

There were a lot of signs that something was wrong, but we missed them.

So what happened when her abuse was finally revealed?  Suppression.  Minimisation.  Interrogation.  Thinly veiled disbelief.  Fear of the family being 'outed', fear of what others would think.  After years of keeping this to herself and her partner, when she finally did talk she was told to keep it to herself until her revelation could be 'managed'.  Her wider family did not learn of this until well over a year after she first told her parents.  Another lonely year.  Once her closer family members were told she gained some support, but not without cost.  And once the larger family were told what came about was anger, blame and abuse.

And amongst all this the craziest thing that happened was that none of the extended family***** reached out to her.  No-one called to say 'I'm sorry this happened to you, how can I help?'  No-one.  I cannot speak for how this must have felt for her, but for me it broke the illusion that our family was close.  Would they do the same if it were me?  Would my truth be met with silence?  Unlike many other families my extended family comes together regularly to celebrate.  So why is it that we couldn't come together to help when we learned one of us had suffered so much for so long?  I have waited in hope that this would change, but it hasn't.

I can only give an educated guess as to why this is.  My guess is that her parents response has set the tone for how others in the family respond.  I guess that this is something people don't know how to approach so they don't approach it at all, or that they feel it is not their place.  I know how difficult it is for many to believe they have spent so much time with the abuser and had no idea he was doing this.  I have faced this disbelief regarding my own history.  I know these things can be easier not to believe.  If the abuse never happened then there is no need to question our ability to judge the morality of others.  Then we don't feel guilty for 'letting' the abuse happen or stupid for not realising it could.  It is easier to blame the victim than to hold the abuser to account for their actions.  It is easier to pretend it never happened.

My current family situation reminds me of The Beach by Alex Garland; what will people sacrifice to continue living in 'paradise?'  What will they give up to maintain the status quo?

And this probably sounds like my family are terrible people.  But they are just regular people.  This response is very common.  It is awful, but it is normal and I think this is because so many of us are taught to value public perception over reality.  To value keeping things 'in the family.'  To say nothing, if we have nothing nice to say.  We are taught not to talk about this stuff and in not talking we allow the abuse to continue.  In this, our family is not unique and this is just so sad.

It's a cycle.  As a consequence of valuing family ties over honesty, victims are alienated and disempowered.  Abusers are free to continue on in their lives without consequence.  Society continues to support abusers and alienate victims therefore abuse can continue unchecked and violence begets violence.  I don't believe any well person wakes up one morning and just decides 'Hey!  I think I'm going to rape someone today.'  I believe getting to this point is a gradual process of unhealthy behaviours going largely unhindered and is aided by how women are treated by society.  And males who are abused by relatives in childhood are more likely to become abusers.  Abuse begets abuse.

So when we don't talk about incest, when we shut down conversations about incest, when we disbelieve victims of incest we perpetuate that cycle.  And this is not only in the worst interests of the victims, but the abusers too.  I have no doubt in my mind that most abusers feel as much guilt over their actions as their victims feel shame, and while there are many other factors involved, could this guilt also play a part in our high male suicide statistics?  I do not believe that all New Zealand's terrible statistics are islands unto themselves.  If we give abusers the opportunity to talk about what happened, the opportunity to make changes, the opportunity to raise their children differently, we may start to solve many other problems too.

While NZ is often touted as a pillar of Woman's Suffrage due to being the first to give women the vote******, our rates of incest, our domestic violence rates and our sexual violence rates (one of the top 5 in the OECD) tell a very different story of how women are treated here.  Because while these are issues for men too, the perpetrators of this violence are predominantly male and offending primarily against women.  And we have the capacity to change this.

So what can we do to prevent incest within our own families?

• Create a safe environment in which your children feel like they can trust you and talk to you freely.
• Teach your children about consent
• Teach your children the correct words for genitalia
• Know the signs of sexual abuse in children.  Read about them here.
• If you see any of these signs, talk to your kids about it.
• Get professional help and support if you need it

And what can we do if incest has happened within our own families?

• Believe the person who has been abused.  Remember that only 2 - 10% of victims of sexual assault falsely accuse the perpetrator.  That means that 90 - 98% of the time victims are telling the truth.
• Focus on the needs of the victim first.  What boundaries need to be in place to help them feel safe?  What can you do to ensure those boundaries are enforced?
• Make sure they have professional support.  For abuse of this type therapy is funded through ACC regardless of how long ago the abuse occurred.
• Make sure you have professional support yourself.
• Talk to the abuser and encourage them to get professional support.  Remember that many abusers have been abused themselves.
• If abuse is suspected to be ongoing, ensure your family is safe from further abuse.  It is possible to do this whilst still giving support to the victim and the abuser.

I for one do not want to maintain the status quo.  I want better for my family and my children.  Our silence leaves victims alone, and frees abusers to continue abusing.  There is no shame in being honest about abuse.

I am so proud of my family member for taking a gamble on speaking out.  I can only imagine how hard that was for her.  But in doing so, she is paving a way for all our children to grow up differently and she has my full support in this.  We have the capacity to change our statistics.  Silence is not the solution.

* To equate this to another statistic, this is the same reported rate as that which boys/men are sexually assaulted in New Zealand.

** There's a fantastic blog post about this here

*** Taken from the NZ Rape Prevention Education website

**** Just as I am.  I did an intensive Circle of Security parenting course because I have no idea how to be a 'normal' parent and raise healthy children.  All we can do is try and re-wire our brains using methodologies from psycho-therapy and the reality is that we will never 'get over it'.  We will never be 'fixed', all we can do is work on recovery and conscious acts of doing things differently for our children.

***** Besides my Mum and myself.  I think this is largely due to what we lived through, our understanding of how it feels to be a victim of abuse and what we have learned over years of therapy.


****** Sorry to burst your bubble here but that was mostly due to an attempt at getting prohibition through in NZ.  Kate Sheppard was a strong prohibitionist and a certain group of politicians believed if they allowed women to vote, Kate Sheppard's voice along other women's would aid in pushing through new laws prohibiting alcohol.  While women won the right to vote, they didn't vote for prohibition at that time as expected.  But this is why we got the vote so early, not because we value our women's rights, but due to drinking issues in the goldfields...

Me Too Part Two

Last weeks post had the highest initial hit rate of anything I've posted to date.  I think this is thanks to the zeitgeist of the #metoo campaign, however this doesn't lessen the personal relevance of this topic.  Today I'm focusing on addressing questions that came up - both from others and from myself - from the last post.

The first thing I want to restate is that my intention with blogging is not to shock.  I write to help people feel less alone in their experiences.  I mean this generally - not just in terms of last weeks topic.  It took going to rehab to come to this realisation myself and it completely changed my life.  Because no matter what you've experienced in life, someone else will have experienced it too.

Maybe not down to the infinitesimal details - but the crux will be the same.  For me, realising I was not alone helped me feel stronger - like thousands of strangers were standing behind me and propping me up.  When I write, I hope to impart this feeling to others.  Yes, reading something on the internet is a dilution of living with people like yourself (as I did in rehab) - but the gist is the same.  You are not alone.  Someone else understands what you are going through no matter how strange or awful it is.
I promise you this.

* * *

The next thing I want to say is that I know my post did shock some people.  I'm glad as it means that some people have not had the experiences I have.  When I look back at my life objectively it is not an exaggeration to say I was an easy target for this kind of abuse.

• I came from an unstable nuclear family
• My parents came from unstable families
• I had an upbringing focused on the differences in the roles of men and women
• I grew up in an era where it was commonplace to leave kids to their own devices
• I was a fast developer

Coming from an unstable family meant that it was difficult for me to feel I could rely on my parents.  And moving frequently meant it was difficult to build stable relationships with adults outside of my family.  I felt independent from a very young age - I think this was a combination of situation and personality.  As a means of maintaining my independent position, I rarely took my problems to my parents.  They had other stuff going on and I genuinely believed I was better at managing them myself.

In defense of my parents, they both grew up in unstable homes too.  I will say no more than that as it's their story to tell, but it is an objective truth.  Both of my parents wanted to be better parents than they felt their parents had been.  And for the most part they were good parents.  We were by no means neglected and we were definitely loved.  But I think they lacked the skills - having not had it themselves - to really emotionally connect with us.  As a child I never felt close to either of my parents.  And living among the instability of their relationship further distanced me from them.

Haphazard religion provided an odd focus on some old fashioned ideas regarding gender roles.  Growing up on farms, I learned that a woman could do anything provided she came home and cooked and cleaned afterward.  And good women kept their hair long.  A dominant scary father and submissive, shy mother were my gender role models.  And whilst from a young age I rallied to be defined differently, it was difficult to fight my conditioning.

And it was the 80's.  I think people may have forgotten how normal it was to just let kids play by themselves back then.  In this respect my childhood was no different than that of my peers.  In truth, we were even more closely monitored than many kids I knew.  And in the country especially, most of the time (I feel) we were safe.

To me Boy reflected how things were growing up in the country in the 80's,

albeit a more extreme reflection than how I personally grew up.

The only times these incidents took place was when there were small opportunistic windows.  And they only happened more than once because I never said anything.

* * *

And once something becomes a bit dented it breaks more easily the next time it falls.

Being exposed to sexual things early made me come to expect these experiences as normal*.  I had also been groomed my entire life to be a 'nice girl'.  I found (and still find) it hard to deviate from this.  As a 'nice' teenage girl with early sexual encounters I struggled to understand how to set boundaries in terms of sex.  I struggled to even understand my own sexuality, as it always seemed be defined by who I was with.  I was a 'nice' girl - lost.

Teen me, my boyfriend and bro crew (faces greyed for privacy.

I soon found a solution to that boundary setting problem which meant I rarely had to deviate from 'nice'.  I became a serial monogamist.  Constantly having a boyfriend meant I no longer had to have those awkward conversations.  I could just say 'Sorry, I have a boyfriend'.  This was especially helpful as growing up, most of my friends were boys**.  Always having a boyfriend meant I could still hang out with my guy mates as mates with no worries.  The longest I've ever been single since I was fourteen was for about three months.

Before I came up with that solution however, I tried something else.  Hitting puberty before my peers was hard.  There were different expectations of me and new interest in me.  This was uncomfortable, along with the new feeling of jiggle when I ran.  And when things became worse at home and we*** finally left, I started trying to instill my own control with how I ate.

I wouldn't say I was anorexic - my weight loss and outlook were never that extreme.  I would say I went through periods of very unhealthy relationships with food.

After cutting so much from my diet that my body started to reject food (uncontrollably vomiting after eating) I freaked out a bit and made a conscious effort to eat more normally.  Since then though - up until my mid 20's I had patches of binging and purging, excessive exercising and extreme dieting - each incident sparked by something in my life which triggered a strong urge to control whatever I could.  This hasn't been problematic for years, but viewing food as a facilitator of control or pleasure is something that will never go away.

The latest Kardashian cover

Following this, I tried to love the body I was in - curvy.  But not seeing this body type reflected on TV or in magazines at that time, I turned to the only outlet that seemed to appreciate women who looked like me - pornography.  I watched it.  I read it.  I drew pictures of it.  It wasn't a thing of sexual titillation - it was just the only way I could see women who looked like me 'appreciated' other than in paintings that were hundreds of years old.  None of this will have helped me in terms of having realistic expectations regarding my body, sex and relationships.

These days, us curvy ladies have the Kardashians to look up to.  But like the women in porno, they are there to sell one thing - sex****.  If society idolised women based on their skills rather than their looks we could begin to see a larger representation of women in terms of looks.  And the focus would start to shift from what we looked like at all.  To me, this is optimal in terms of shifting the focus from women as objects to women as people.

The Librarians 'cover' - way more awesome

* * *

The other thing I realised after posting is that in all my history of this stuff is that I never personally experienced any kind of workplace sexual harassment.   Have I witnessed it?  Yes, a number of times.  But it never happened to me.

I think this is because at work I'm quite a different person.  Work has preset boundaries which makes it easier for me to set personal boundaries.  Also, I'm kinda bolshy - I'm the person people dreaded having in operations meetings because I would always bring up (important) issues not on the agenda.  In the workplace colleagues were (and maybe still are?) a bit scared of me.  Consequently, they have never been any kind of sexual threat.

The kinds of women I've seen harassed at work were almost the antithesis of me at work - shy, soft-spoken, or possessing a fragility obvious underneath a staunch facade - this hasn't changed over the 20+ years I've worked.  It's horrible.  I've seen sexual harassment perpetrated by colleagues, bosses, clients and customers.  They purposefully target quieter women as they seem like a 'safe' bet.  And in only one instance I witnessed did the victim actually speak up about her experience (I was her boss.  We took it to HR.  We sorted it).

In every case I have seen (bar one, and I still feel bad about it) I have encouraged these women to speak up.  Sadly, not all of them did.  I had one workmate who suffered ongoing harassment from customers.  I encouraged her to talk to our manager but she didn't want to be a problem.  I knew our manager would back her - it was a very caring family business we worked for.  Regardless, she was scared she would lose her job.  I couldn't speak for her - I understood and respected her position - how could I not?  I was in it so often in my own life.  But I still felt sad for her.

Thank you Taylor Swift for outing this opportunistic creep.  Straight up workplace harassment.

* * *

I think I could write about this all day every day and still have more to say.  But I have to leave it here for now.

I am so grateful for all the people who messaged me - publicly or in private - last week.  Mostly because it shows we are starting to open up a dialogue about these uncomfortable things.  Because they need to be talked about***** if we are going to understand how to change things to make this a safer place for the next generation.

Thank you Poto Williams         

I hope this legislation gets through!

 

I am hopeful that the #metoo movement heralds bigger changes.  It is hard to see us able to move very far when we still have men in power like Donald Trump.  But it's certainly a possibility.  I am grateful that at least here in New Zealand a change in government will likely mean changes to our criminal justice system putting the onus on the accused rather than the accuser.  At least that's a start.

We still have a long way to go.

* Not exactly relevant to me, but important to note that about 1/3 of women who experience rape before the age of 18 experience rape as an adult (US stats - struggling to get the link to work sorry).

** As a kid I didn't really 'get' most other girls.  I generally had different interests, and on hitting puberty early, and becoming even more different, I started to get bullied for those differences.  Until I hit my late 20's all my closest friendships had been with dudes, and I'm grateful to still count some of those guys in my close circle today (although also grateful to have met a bunch of fucking amazing women who get me and love me anyway).

*** When I was 14 I left home and my Mum followed shortly after.  We then got a small flat in Helensville and Mum and Dad had joint custody of my brother.

**** They do this so they can sell us something else - the Kardashian brand.  Because they know that sex sells.  From their perspective, it's smart marketing, but unfortunately most of us don't really watch the Kardashians because we appreciate their marketing skills.

***** I don't think that everyone should feel like they have to talk about this stuff.  For some people, this may not be helpful to their mental wellbeing.  They should not feel like they have to talk about it until they are ready.  That is unfair.  I am comfortable having this dialogue which is why I do it.  Although it may not seem so, there are plenty of things I do not feel comfortable talking about.  Yet.

Me Too And Why I Didn't Tell Anyone

** TRIGGER WARNING** Sexual assault.

Please don't read if you know this may be triggering or unhelpful to you.  I am not trying to be gratuitous, I am trying to give an honest account of my experiences as a woman as I don't believe them to be uncommon.  I am hopeful that in doing this I can help other women feel that they are less alone in their experience, and maybe give an insight to those who do not live with suffering sexual harassment and abuse on a regular basis.

If you want to skip the incidents and just read about why I never told anyone, and what I think we can do differently - just miss the first section in italics and read ahead.  If you are in New Zealand, and you do read this and things come up for you you can call victim support on 0800 842 846.

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When I was nine years old an older boy I had not met before showed me his penis in a spa pool.  It was the first time I'd seen a penis that didn't belong to my Dad or my brother.  He wanted to see  something in return so I showed him my hand which made him angry.  I didn't know what to do (there were no adults around at this time) so I showed him my flat nine year old chest which placated him for a while.  Then when I refused to cater to his next request (oral sex) he chased me into the house and pinned me down.  Then someone (an adult relative) arrived home and he got off me and pretended like nothing had happened.*

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Me around age 10 wearing my Brownie sash.

When I was eleven years old I went to a very small country Primary school.  During Summer, we were allowed to have supervised swimming at lunchtimes which was great because it was hot and we were kids.  For a period of time, during swimming an older boy would chase and grab me then try to forcefully penetrate me with his fingers under the water.  This happened many times and I always fought him because it really hurt me, and I didn't understand why he was doing it.  He was much bigger than I was.  He would just laugh at me while he did it while I tried not to drown.  It was a game to him.

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When I was fourteen years old I started going out with a guy my age.  He, and other friends were sleeping over at a party at my house for my fourteenth birthday.  We thought we'd try to give sex a go.  I didn't really know how it worked, and neither did he.  Long story short, we didn't have sex and we broke up shortly thereafter.  He told all the boys in my year that I was too tight to have sex with so he dumped me.  Unsurprisingly, I was teased about it at school by strangers mercilessly**.

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When I was fifteen years old I was at a party at my boyfriends house.  I was extremely intoxicated.  He wanted to have sex with me.  I told him no - we had had sex before but I was not interested at that time because of my drunken state.  I don't even know how many times I said that word.  In the end I was so drunk and tired I just lay there and let him do it because it was just easier that way.  We never spoke about it and remained friends.

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My award winning team-mates from YES       
(I'm not in this photo as I had work that day)    

  

When I was sixteen years old I was walking from a friends house (mentioned above ^) to High School for a Young Enterprise Scheme meeting.  A man stopped me on the street to ask me the time.  He then grabbed my wrist and tried to drag me into a bush.  I managed to wriggle out of his grip and run to the Massey shops, then waited until I was sure he was gone before continuing on to my meeting.  This was in the afternoon on a main thoroughfare.  I was wearing a long brown velvet skirt (it was the 90's), a black shirt, and a smart/casual brown jacket.  I thought I looked like a businesswoman.

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When I was eighteen years old I went on a couple of dates with a guy I had known some years earlier through High School.  We had only ever kissed.  One night we were at a party with mutual friends.  We were playing drinking games and I became very intoxicated.  He took me to a bedroom and locked me in there with him.  A friend was concerned so was banging on the door trying to get him to unlock it.  I don't remember any of this - she told me the next day when she was checking that I was ok.  I can vaguely remember the sex.  I remember trying to seem enthusiastic even though I was barely conscious - it was what you were supposed to do, right?

In the morning, I remembered that I had my period.  The sex had been had while I had a tampon in and it was very stuck and took some time to dislodge.  I never heard from or saw this boy again.

*            *            *            *             *            *            *            *             *            *            *            *

When I was maybe 24 years old I went to a Halloween party down the road from my house at the home of an acquaintance where I was meeting friends.  On arriving to the party someone - I have no idea who because the hallway was as crowded as a moshpit - grabbed me through my dress between the legs and tried to insert their fingers into me.  I writhed away from their hold and screamed out exactly what had just happened.  No-one in that crowd even asked me if I was ok - they just moved away from me like I was a crazy person.

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Last week I was walking home from the dairy with my kids when an older man I know (he is a friendly fixture of the neighbourhood) stopped to say hi and talk to the kids.  He gave me a bag of oranges even though I told him please, I don't need any oranges.  We have an orange tree.  He ignored me.  He then tried to kiss me on the mouth and touch me in an inappropriate way.  I left as quickly as I could.  I felt like I was going to throw up.  I have not felt comfortable walking to the dairy since.

 Me, the day after the incident above - at Paw Patrol with my family.

These are just a few of the many incidents that I've dealt with over my life.  There are many more but I don't think it's necessary or helpful to share all of them for you, reader, to understand my point.  Women like me suffer incidents like this far too often.

And I know many women who have suffered far greater that I.

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The Harvey Weinstein allegations and the #metoo social media campaign have opened up an international dialogue around women's every-day experiences of sexual harassment and assault.  Sadly, so far nothing I have read - none of the heartfelt personal statements from any public figures or strangers or friends or family have shocked me.  Because, as you may already know, these experiences happen to women everywhere, every day.

The other commonality is that we don't tell anyone.  And we carry the shame and guilt of the experience, and of not telling anyone.  Discussing why this is, and how we can change things, is what I want to focus on today.

I never told anyone about what happened when I was nine.  I think I might have told a therapist in my 20's, and probably some friends when I was older but I definitely never told anyone at the time.  I can remember aspects of that day with crystal clarity, because even though I wasn't 100% sure what was happening, I was sure it was meaningful.  I felt a mix of feelings - fear of getting in trouble for what had happened and excitement - that an older boy did things that demonstrated that he 'liked' me.

It's the same story with the incident when I was eleven.  Even though I felt sick and disgusted and hurt and not an ounce of excitement.  And even though I was asked by an adult if I was ok because it was apparent something was going on (supervised swimming) - I still said nothing.  The adult who checked on me (the principal of the school) had previously referred to me in passing as 'a flirt'.  I wasn't entirely sure what that meant, but I didn't think it was good.  And I was sure it was linked to attention from boys.  So I was sure that if I told him what was actually happening to me I would get into trouble.  Because I had somehow initiated things.

It took me until I was in my late 20's to even begin to consider those date rape stories as such.  Even though I had said no and even though I was intoxicated and clearly not consenting.  Because I felt that  probably during sex I would have made some sort of consenting noise in order to speed the process along.  Because I didn't want it to be happening, but felt powerless to stop it from happening.  I stayed friends with one of the guys until the friendship ran its natural course.  I put the incident down to a fumble on both our parts due to lack of knowledge of how sex was supposed to work.  I never saw a need to tell anyone and in truth, I still don't feel mad at him.  That second guy though - retrospectively - he was a predatory creep and I really should have told someone.  But what do you say when this happens?

Teen me, wearing the same brown skirt.

I did tell someone about the incidents with strangers.  I told friends, and I think I did tell my Mum about the man who grabbed me on the street.  Telling someone about strangers acting dangerous didn't feel so awkward because strangers are the people we are told will do this to us.  I didn't tell the police.  It never even occurred to me that this was something I should do.  Now I'm a parent and reading awful articles about guys trying to (and sometimes succeeding in) grab(bing) kids and young teens, I would call straight away.  But I didn't know this then.  And at the time, both my Mother and myself had had negative dealings with police.  I had been given no reason to trust them to do anything if I did tell them.

I told my Murray about the recent incident immediately.  I had already had an uncomfortable dealing with this person and had told Murray I felt unsafe around him.  Murray went around and spoke to him that night to try to 'iron things out' and help me feel safer.  I really appreciate it, because it was not an easy thing to do (this is a big guy from a different cultural background - he could have easily hit Murray) but I still feel unsafe.  He knows where I live and work - how can I feel safe?

So why didn't I feel safe enough to tell anyone about most of these incidents at the time?
Because I thought all of them were somehow my fault.

Many of us 70's and 80's kids learned about the

'facts of life' from this illustrated tome.      

While I remember being read Where Did I Come From vaguely as a young child, those awkward period discussions at Intermediate and seeing horrifying images of STI's at High School, I don't remember anything else in the way of sex education.  I didn't feel I could talk to my parents openly about this sort of stuff.  I remember my Dad catching me and the next door neighbour boy kissing behind a horse float when I was about five and him saying 'Don't let boys touch you.'  He never said why, and I was actually a bit scared of boys for a while (five year olds are notoriously imaginative).  What was implicit in that sentence though was that I was the gatekeeper of my body.

It doesn't seem that huge a leap to feel that if someone breached my body it was going to be my fault: 'Don't let.' = my job.  So every time a boy touched me inappropriately, I felt I had failed to do my job.  And if the adults in my life found out, I would be duly punished.

I don't think this feeling is unusual.  Sure, other girls mightn't have had it said in those exact words. But maybe when they were older someone said: 'You're not going out dressed like that are you?' or 'You shouldn't be out so late at night' or 'You shouldn't have got so drunk.'  Every single one of these statements puts the ownership of women's safety squarely on their own shoulders.

Every one of those statements implies that it's our fault if someone else breaches our bodies.
That we failed.

*            *            *            *             *            *            *            *             *            *            *            *

How have these things impacted on my life?  Well, they certainly haven't helped with my social anxiety that's for sure.  I doubt my own judgment or my ability to accurately assess situations.  I have trust issues - generally, with humans.  Having been penetrated before I ever knew self love, I have never felt my body was my own to love.  I was promiscuous from very young - sex just never felt like much of a big deal because my body never felt like it was my own.  I do not feel strong, or capable of being strong.  I feel tired and worn down and angry. 

And when incidents like the most recent one happen these old feelings become stronger, my anxiety worsens and I develop insomnia.  So yeah, I'd say there's a significant impact.

How can we change this?

There are many thoughts about this already out there (like this great list) but I see no harm in adding to them.

Here are some of my thoughts:

• We need to create a safe environment for our children to come to us with their thoughts, fears and mistakes.  If we can show them they can tell us anything and we will still love them and take their concerns seriously, they will be more likely to come to us.  And if we can start this process when they are young, we have a lot of time to put in the building blocks for when they're older.

• We need to educate our kids about sex, age appropriately, from very young.  We have to stop assuming that abuse only happens post-puberty.  We need to remember that 90% of victims of childhood sexual abuse know their abuser.  We have to arm them with knowledge - about their bodies, their rights and what to do if something goes wrong (there's some good stuff here).  We need to make sure they feel safe to tell us what's happening even if their abuser is Uncle Bob.

• We have to stop forcing our children to have physical interactions with family members and friends.  I don't care if Aunty Margaret thinks it's just polite.  This sends mixed messages regarding consent and unwanted touching.  Our children's well-being is far more important than Aunty Margarets traditions or hurt feelings.   End of story.

Harvey Weinstein - a powerful man.  Now accused 
by over 40 women of sexual misconduct spanning decades

• We need to remember that abusers are manipulative and most abusers are known to their victims.  If they weren't good at hiding their actions, they would not be able to continue the abuse.  Abusers will lie, coerce, bend truths and 'correct' peoples memories to ensure their position is secure.  Our abusers are our fathers, our uncles, our sons, our partners, our friends, our family friends, our neighbours, our work colleagues.  They will usually seem like 'a bloody good bloke' to most.  They will do their utmost to seem like the pillar of morality when it serves them.

Why do we immediately think Bill Cosby

is innocent?  Because he was a tv Dad and

because we don't know the women who

have accused him so we don't believe them.

• We have to stop putting the onus on women for sexual harassment, sexual assault and rape.  Slut-shaming, and self imposed curfews on women imply that we are in the wrong.  It is not wrong to want to go for a walk and enjoy the night sky.  It's not wrong to want to feel the wind on your skin.  It is not wrong to go on a date with someone then decide you don't want to sleep with them.  It is wrong to sexually assault someone.  The fault is with the abuser.  As a society we need to start recognising this.

• We need to listen with open minds to women's stories.  We need society to become a safer place for these stories to be heard.  Until it feels safer, why would they tell anyone?

• When we talk about gender we need to stop reinforcing these antiquated fucked up roles that pitch men as this and women as that.  This macho rugby, racing and beer bullshit bro-code does no-one any favours***.  Even better - stop focusing on gender period - gender is a social construct.  We have built our own rape culture.  We need to un-build this.

• We can start by doing our best not to objectify women.  This is such a built in part of our daily lives that as women many of us have come to crave objectification.  We want to be seen as beautiful.  We buy the magazines, we buy the lipsticks, we idolise the Beyonce's.  We need to stop just referring to our female children as 'pretty' and start throwing some other adjectives in there so that they seek approval for their intelligence, their kindness and their wit rather than their ability to be a good object.  We need to focus on all their abilities rather than just those celebrated by society as befitting for women.  Because if you think this isn't a thing maybe just have a look at the slogans in kids T shirts in basically any department store.  Trust me, girls are groomed from babies to be pretty, passive flowers.

• Likewise, we need to stop treating men and boys as unfeeling observers.  We need to give our male children dolls and teach them kindness and empathy and that it's ok to cry.  We need to hug and kiss them and respect their feelings.  We need to stop telling them to 'man up'.

• We need to educate boys to understand consent.  And if we see errant behaviors we need to correct them at the time.  Saying 'boys will be boys' is basically just a straight up license for them to continue doing what they like.  It's not ok.  Do not praise peers for 'scoring' with 'chicks'.  We have to stop creating a dynamic where boys and men get kudos for being hypersexual while women are punished for it.

• We need to create some sort of website or PSA about exactly what to do if you have been sexually assaulted.  Do you know what to do if this happens to you?  I sure as shit still do not.  I picture some kind of pyramid of incidents going from catcalling and the like (at the bottom) to rape at the top.  Each with a series of things to do when this happens.  What do we do?  Who do we tell?  What precisely will happen if we tell?

• We need clear processes and procedures within our schools and workplaces regarding sexual harassment, discrimination and abuse.  And we actually need those processes and procedures communicated to us - maybe even during orientation at a new workplace.  Because if we don't know they exist, how can we use them?

The Roast Busters + John Tamihere and Willie Jackson      

who shamelessly victim blamed *Amy (a victim of the pair)   

on live radio.                                        

• We need to demonstrate that there are consequences for abusers.  Recently we've seen massive public abuse cases like Roastbusters where a cop has received the international award of Most Outstanding International Female Investigator even though no prosecution has been laid.  These are our public examples of what happens to known rapists in New Zealand - absolutely nothing.  What is the deterrent to perpetrators of abuse?  Very little.

And for those of us who have made mistakes, we need to rectify these.  We need to apologise to those we my have hurt and make amends.  We need to stop excusing our behavior and work to do better and we may need to get help and support to facilitate that change.  We have all grown up in the 'rape society' I speak about.  We have all been conditioned to accept and believe certain things.  But we all have the capacity to do better.  We can change this culture.  We can make the world a safer place for our children than it was for us. 

* I realised post-posting that I should point out being left alone was not a common occurrence of my childhood.  This was pre celphones - there was a miscommunication and it was expected that my relative would be home - this happened in a small time frame - probably less than half an hour.

** I think it is important to note that this boy, many years later tracked me down via Oldfriends and apologised to me.  It sounded likely that he was going through a 12 Step Program and was up to the 'making amends' part.  I accepted his apology.  I was no longer upset - it had happened a long time before, and I had some understanding of his family situation.  His apology was surprising, realising that he had held on to the guilt from his actions that long made me feel sad for him.  Even though I didn't need the apology I am grateful to him to this day for realising how this may have impacted on my life.

*** Read previous post re: male suicide rates.