On Joining The Gym

So I joined the gym.  This is a thing I never thought I'd do.  I've been a gym member once before.  That was 20 years ago.  I cannot remember for the life of me why I joined.  I think I was teaching aqua-aerobics around the same time so might have been on some weird fitness kick.  I went regularly for about a month.  Then there was a fire drill and I had to exit the gym.  I was mortified to be seen out in my gym clothes (lord forbid other humans see my bare arms).  I never went back.

Me in my moonboot at my cousins wedding.             
Oh to be so slender without trying again!                

Besides that my only gym experience has come from seriously injuring myself*.  This required months of physio - I had to learn to walk all over again.  This was a positive experience for me.  My time in the gym translated very literally to my body's ability to do normal stuff again.  Watching my progress was exciting.  Even though I really enjoyed my time in the gym, I didn't continue with it after physio as other aspects of my life pressed on both my time and finances.

I never thought I'd join a gym because I:
a) Dislike intentional exercise
b) Hate exercising in public

I'm oddly self conscious about people seeing me exercising.  I can pinpoint the specific incident this anxiety stems from, but this doesn't thwart the feeling.  I know my feelings are irrational - that what happened then is not happening now - but knowing this does not make those feelings disappear.  Just like the many other facets of my anxiety, it's an irrational, annoying constant.  You learn to live with the discomfort.

In gyms my self-conscious feelings compound.  Fit people go to gyms.  People with great bodies go to gyms.  I am neither fit nor buff and my inexperience with gym equipment sets me firmly as an outsider to the gym world.  When I was rehabbing my ankle at the Unitec gym it felt ok because I was almost always there with my physio.  She kept me focused.  Plus I had an obvious injury so I did not feel as if others would judge my performance.  On top of that, with it being a student gym the membership was diverse -it wasn't just fit people - there were people there just like me.

So when I joined the gym I promised myself I did not have to go.  It only cost $3 a week more to get access to the gym on top of the pool membership.  It seemed worth the gamble.  It's only $3.  If I can walk up those stairs to the gym even six months after joining, then it's worth it.  Because it gives me a reason to overcome that fear**.  Because I am a tight arse.  I was never going to be ok not utilising that $3 investment that I could better spend elsewhere.  I used a conscious subconscious trick to push myself to walk up those stairs.

Fancy equipment!  Well, any equipment is fancy to me...

And it worked.  It took me less than a month.  Last week I put on the running shorts I'd asked for for Christmas and climbed those stairs.  I introduced myself to the man at reception and he showed me around the cardio area.  Luckily, I had chosen a time to visit when the gym was fairly quiet.  This made it less scary.  And there were nice, big lockers I could just put my stuff in for free.  And the gym equipment was clean, modern and fancy.  And while most people fit my idea of what 'gym' folk look like they didn't seem to care I was there.  They were too busy working out.

Last week I walked up those stairs three times.  Not only that, but I actually exercised too.

The awesome thing about this particular gym is that it offers a series of five one-on-one sessions as part of the membership.  This is optional.  If you just want to get on a treadmill and do your thing, that's ok too.  But if you want the extra support, it's there.  I decided if I was going to come this far I might as well utilise the professional support available.  Given I have so little experience, even just from a safety perspective it makes sense.  I had my first appointment on Sunday.

The trainer I met with was lovely.  Relaxed, non-judgmental, relatable (impressive given I'm old enough to be his Mum and his interests are sports and mine are not) and friendly.  Being weighed and measured and asked personal health questions are things that are probably uncomfortable for quite a few people.  Especially folk going to the gym to get in shape.  He understood that, and was so chill and professional that it felt ok.  The only part I struggled with was watching my arm measurements being done.  I'd never seen my arms like that in a mirror before.  I hadn't realised how big they were.  But that was only one uncomfortable thing.  And maybe the more I do this uncomfortable stuff the less uncomfortable I will feel in the future.

I have lost 12 butters!       

Because taking those initial measurements gives me a place to work from.  And given I've already lost 6kg, it's likely my arms were even bigger than that a few months ago.  So who knows?  Maybe when I do another measure in a couple of months time they will be a bit smaller.  My arms are already feeling stronger.  All the regular swimming has tightened up the muscles on my thighs, and I can feel my shoulder muscles for the first time ever.  These are pretty exciting changes.

And I am hopeful that seeing these changes helps me want to stick with this gym business.  Even if I don't end up liking the personalised program they set for me, coming this far is a huge achievement.  In just one week I've discovered I like using cross trainers.  I've discovered I can do a cardio work out for half an hour without keeling over.  And just a few months in to regular swimming it's difficult to imagine my life without it in it.  Maybe this will happen with the gym too?

One study found up to 60% of women experience diastasis recti
   post-partum.  Super common, but seldom talked about.

For now, I am focused on the exciting parts of this lifestyle change.  I am excited about the improvements I've made in my swimming.  When I started, I was tired after swimming 500 meters.  Now, my standard session is at least 1000 meters.  I have visible muscles where there was just bulk before and (the most exciting improvement) after years of diastasis recti, and feeling like it would never get better, I no longer have abdominal separation.  Well, a little, but it's down to a 1cm gap which is far less than it used to be.

I still have a lot of weight to lose to hit my goal weight (about 13kg).  But even if I don't lose another gram I feel like I've accomplished a lot.  I'm starting to feel like I am enjoying life.  After years of struggling with my body, its changes and limitations, I'm starting to feel more invested in living inside it again.  Just overcoming my anxiety about going to the gym is pretty huge.  It shows me that I can just make a decision to try something different and uncomfortable.  It might not always work out, but it is absolutely worth the risk.


* I fractured my talus and tore a bunch of ligaments through my ankle misjudging a jump in a trampolining gym (why I was doing a trampolining class in the first place is a whole different story).  I fell from about 3 meters onto the solid edge of the trampoline.  I was in hospital for four days because they weren't sure what to do with me.  The kind of injury I had is termed a 'pilots fracture' as was common amongst pilots falling from planes during WWII

** And something to do when the swimming lanes are really busy or being used for waterpolo.

On a fresh start

It was a tough year last year.  I lost two friends to cancer and had a few unexpected things come up which required some serious lifestyle renovations.

But we got through.  Pretty much intact.  Losing people you care about sucks but there is one positive: it really helps put things in perspective.  Especially when those people have fought through so many barriers to achieve what they did during their own lives.  While I struggled not to be swallowed up by grief for a time I realised neither of my friends would want me to do that*.  They would want me to get out there and live my life and appreciate all that I have in front of me.  I am blessed with the gift of living in this world while they have moved on.

    Recent pic of me - much bigger
than I feel comfortable seeing myself

This realisation helped me to understand that I've been stuck in the quagmire of grief for quite some time.  Ever since my health diagnosis a year and a half ago, I have struggled to make sense of how exactly to manage my life.  And I have used it as an excuse rather than facing my feelings head on.  While yes, I do normal Mum things and have a job and pay the bills I have been using numerous crutches to survive day-to-day.  Namely food and alcohol**.  And it has slowly been killing me.

Being heavier has been killing my confidence.  It is an awful thing to admit when you pride yourself on being a feminist, but I have discovered sadly, just how much of my confidence is tied up in how I look.  I have always been ok with being curvy.  I have pretty much never been a 'skinny' girl.  But I have always been roughly the same give or take a couple of kilos.  The reality is, that when I had this realisation I was about 20kg heavier than I was before I got pregnant with Abby.  And when you are short like me, 20kg is a LOT.

What brought me to this realisation?  Seeing friends get off their butts and do this for themselves.  The good and bad thing about social media is that it allows you a sneak peek into the lives of others.  And while these peeks should always be taken with a grain of salt, sometimes they really are the kick in the behind you need.  Because when pondering how amazing it is that a friend could write an amazing book after surviving brain cancer, you also see friends in the here and now making huge changes in their lives it drives home the fact that you can do it too.

I have lost 6kg since then end of November.  2kg so far this year.  I'm still heavier than I was the last time I attempted to lose weight, but it's still a significant achievement.  Especially given I've achieved most of it through entering a new territory: planned exercise.

Me before having Abby.     
Oh to be this size again!     

I've never been an 'exercise' person.  It's just not my thing.  I'm just not one of those people who thinks it's 'fun' to go for a run or 'hit the gym' or go tramping.  Fun things for me are board games and writing and comedy and cooking and drawing.  While for me some sports are fun (soccer and touch) I am not very good at them and thus anxious about joining a team.  And while I do enjoy being in nature and walking, in truth, the outside world is not my friend.  Bugs love me.  No matter which sunblock I use, the sun will burn me.  Going for a bush walk will result in welts and burns.  The beach is the same.  Summer is not designed for people like me.

I have always loved swimming.  The thing is though when you are uncomfortable with your size, the scarier getting into a pair of togs feels.  While swimming with the kids was once a fairly normal part of our week, once I got to a certain size I made excuses to avoid it.  My endo is playing up.  Etta's just started school.  Everyone is sick.  But truly, most of the time I was uncomfortable chasing my children around with so little to cover me.  But then I saw my friend was doing it.  My cousin was doing it.  My colleague was doing it.  All around me people were sucking it up and putting their bodies in the water no matter their size.  And it was good for them.

So I did too.

Most of my weight loss has come from swimming.  And even before I lost that much a funny thing changed.  I stopped feeling self conscious in my togs.  While I did buy a suit that had a little more coverage, it wasn't the main factor.  I just got used to it.  I realised that I was the only person who cared what I looked like.  People did not stare at me in horror.  I was just one of many bodies of many shapes and sizes going for a swim.

Similarly, my self-consciousness over being 'good' enough to go swimming dissipated over time.  When I started swimming, I was extremely anxious about lane swimming.  I was worried I would be bad.  That others would be annoyed by me being too slow or too clumsy or too anything.  So I mostly waterwalked unless I could be in a lane by myself.  A few months on I no longer care.  I dive straight into a lane and swim.  Just swim, without thinking about what everyone else is thinking about.

When school holidays began, for a time my swimming life was over.  As the primary caregiver of our children, all the time I had free before to swim was now sucked into childcare.  For two weeks I did not swim.  And then I realised (again) that I was just making excuses.  Of course I could still swim! I just had to get creative with time.  Now I swim Wednesday nights once Murray is home from work, Fridays after work, and Sunday afternoons.  I am swimming 3 - 4 kilometers every week.

Gotta love a good spreadsheet!

And I love it.  Not only am I losing weight, but it helps give me space away, not just from the family, but from my thoughts.  Once I've been swimming for about 20 minutes or so I go into a sort of meditative state.  I get into my body and out of my head and actually relax.  This is quite a hard thing for an anxious person to do.  And with the help of my favourite Microsoft program I can track my weight-loss and set myself goals and incentives.  This is fun for me!  Making weight loss fun is just smart!  Today, I hit my first incentive goal - 2kg***.  Which means tonight I get a celebratory teeny vino.

     Me today not feeling as self-conscious

So my goal is to get back to my pre-Abby weight - around 60kg.  But I have set other goals along the way.  I have already reached my goal of being able to fit my clothes more comfortably.  I have reached my fitness goal of being able to swim comfortably for half an hour non-stop.  And in all honesty these goals are more important than the numbers.  If I am healthy, and feel good in my body, then I will be happy.  Basically, if I am between 50 - 66kg I am in the healthy weight range for my age.  If I manage to get to 66kg and feel good, then that will be ok.

I still have a way to go to to get there, but right now I am just focused on enjoying the journey.  I will do my best to keep you updated and who knows?  Maybe I can help someone else feel like they can do it too.

Big thanks to Miriam, Penny, Lashaya, Cass and Jess.  Seriously, you are all fabulous.


*Well, maybe Sam a little.  He was fabulous and liked knowing it.  It would be good for his ego knowing how sad the world is for us without him.

** Not in a classic 'alcoholic' sense, but definitely in a 'having more than is good for your health' sense. 

*** I started my weight loss incentive chart at the beginning of this year