2020: A Year Of Firsts

Oh, what a year it's been!  Consequently, like many folk, my mental health has not been the best which has made things that usually come naturally feel like walking uphill through thigh-high water.  Last week was especially not great.  But the good thing of a long history poor mental health is a lot of experience with getting it back on track.  So I sat down and made a list of things to sort it out.  And started actioning it immediately.

And this week already looks different.  While I was swimming today I was thinking of how many 'firsts' I'd had this year.  Not all of them have been great, but all of them have certainly given me an opportunity to understand myself better.  And I thought that thinking of what has been deemed a universally awful year from a different angle, might be useful.  So here are some of my 'firsts' from 2020.

1) I have survived a global pandemic (so far...)
And guess what!  If you're reading this, so have you!*  Congratulations!  Worldwide, it has taken the lives of over 1.14 million people.  But not mine, or yours.  I am extremely luck to live in Aotearoa where we have one of the lowest death rates in the OECD.  I really hopes it stays this way.  And I really hope other countries manage to get there too.  At no point in time prior to this year have I ever even considered having my life taken away due to pandemic.  At no point has this ever been a concern until now.  And now it is, I am so, so grateful to be alive.

During the first lockdown I built the Millennium Falcon

2) My whole family survived two lockdowns
And truly, this feels like an achievement.  Lockdown is not something I could ever have even conceived of having to go through in pre-Covid life.  And as a person who needs time and space alone to stay sane, the idea of being stuck with my family** at home for an undefined period of time was horrifying.  So the first lockdown was pretty tough.  Particularly the last few weeks.  Etta coped even less well than me and started stimming which totally freaked her out.  She missed her friends, and video calls actually just made that worse.  The great thing though was, we learned from this.  All of us did.  So the second Level 3 lockdown was ok.  Murray listened regarding some of the things I struggled with the first time and really made an effort to help.  The kids understood what was happening and were ok.  I do think this experience made us stronger as a family, and a little better at communicating our needs to each other.

The biggest bird I saw in Miranda

3) I went to Miranda
And holy crap I loved it!  While I had to cancel what would have been my first alone time trip outside of NZ on the sunny shores of Rarotonga, I still did get a holiday after the lockdown was lifted.  While I don't think this little piece of Aotearoa will be the pinnacle of every persons travel ideals, it certainly was for me.  Other than birds and a fabulous fish 'n' chip shop, there is nothing there.  The bird watching is amazing.  The weather wasn't  great, but that just meant less people around to interfere with my bird watching.  I give Miranda 5 stars and will certainly be back.

One of the dotterel I saw up in Kaiaua       

4) I saw dotterel and kotuku
Obviously a direct follow on from the last post, but still deserving of their own section.  The owners of the place I was staying in had said a kotuku had been hanging out in one of the neighbouring paddocks, and turns out - it still was!  I saw it twice during my stay but didn't get a photo as both times I was driving.  Still, very exciting.  And while I didn't see any dotterel in the actual reserve, on a tiki tour up the road I walked along a very stony beach and randomly found a few pairs.  I loved seeing them so much I went back the next day and they were still there.  I loved how they communicated with each other, and how they were wary, but curious, about me.  I managed to get pretty close, but didn't want to disturb them too much.  But it really felt special being on a completely deserted beach in the middle of nowhere with a couple of pairs of endangered birds.

5) I became a chicken Mummy
So two 'chickens' turned up on our street.  We had a decrepit hutch (courtesy of a friend) that we had loaned to our neighbour, so we caught and housed these 'chickens' and then about four days into lockdown they started crowing.  Crap.  They had been dumped due to their gender.  So sadly, these poor roosters had to go.  But this opened a window for me to plead a case for getting chickens.  My cousins neighbour happened to have excess young chickens, and with Murray's consent, three of them came to live with us during the first Level 3.  They are bantam/silky crosses and full of personality!  At the moment they are broody and not laying, but they have been laying gorgeous wee eggs before that.  And Taco (Murray named her) will let me pick her up and cuddle her.  It has been a wonderful addition to our whanau, and something positive for the kids to enjoy during the lockdowns.

Blanche, Taco and Luna when they first arrived

6) I tried Hello Fresh
This doesn't seem like a big deal, but it really has made a difference to our year.  I am cheap.  I run a tight budget.  Not because it's necessary, but because I just always have.  I grew up with not a lot and I've always budgeted, so it's hard to let out the purse strings.  But this year, well, I let them out.  Hello Fresh is not cheap for what it is when it's not a free box or on special.  And as someone who has decent cooking skills, I couldn't immediately see the value of it.  But I have since discovered that it makes a big difference to my mental load.  Just the simple thing of not having to think about shopping for a healthy meal truly helps.  Plus, Murray is more likely to cook because the directions are far easier to follow than my 'just chuck some courgette in' style of directing cooking.  It saved us during the last lockdown.  And during times where Murray's epilepsy wasn't great.  And now that I've broken my thumb... And I've used the recipe cards to reinvent my favourites to incorporate into our normal rotation.  It is not the greatest for the environment though, so definitely a stop-gap measure for us, but has absolutely been worthwhile.

7) I managed an emergency at work
This was another not so great thing.  But it happened, and it's important to take away the positives from the experience.  One of our customers had a stroke.  One of my colleagues who had been serving her realised, but her workplace first aid certificate was out of date, and she knew I'd just done mine.  While it took a few minutes before I called the ambulance (a little difficult to make the call to call as she was quite argumentative), my colleagues and manager were amazing.  They stayed with her and got her seated while I stayed on the phone with the operator.  And then the mall fire alarm went off and we had to evacuate the mall...

Our manager gave me her mobile to call emergency services back on, and went to evacuate the store while a colleague and our security stayed with me as we tried to work out how to get her out (she was not easy to carry).  Mall security realised we were there, we explained the situation and he grabbed a wheelchair from customer services and they managed to lift her into it.  I stayed on the phone as we wheeled her through the mall, and when met by the fire brigade (it took a while to get out) they helped us by taking her obs and assisting us to the ambulance bay where they got her on a stretcher and took her to hospital.

Sadly, our customer passed away that night.

In spite of this, I knew we had done our best.  Even if we had have been two minutes faster (which we could have been) sadly, the outcome would not have been any different.  This helped me realise I am calm in crazy, unpredictable situations.  And that I work with an amazing, caring team of people who will do whatever it takes to help people.  I also had a window into what our emergency service teams do for our communities every day.  Seriously, we are so lucky to have people who do what they do every day.  They are are real heroes.

8) I did Dry July
The best thing about doing Dry July, other than raising money to support those affected by cancer, is the difference it made in my life.  I am not a heavy drinker by any means, but I do enjoy a woody chardonnay or a cheeky sav a few times a week.  What I realised is how much better my sleep is when I'm not drinking at all.  So if my sleep is bad, or my mental health not so good (like now).  I just stop drinking for a bit.  It's brilliant.

9) I swam 5km in one week
So, I'm not a sportsing person.  The last time I tried to go to a regular exercise class - I broke my ankle.  Since then, I've been wary.  But after getting back in the pool about a year ago I realised, that even though I did love trampolining, maybe that wasn't the right sport for me.  But swimming absolutely is.  I started small.  Having never had any lessons outside what I learned in Primary School, it's never been something I'm amazing at.  And I'm still not.  But I don't swim to be amazing at it.  Swimming really helps keep me grounded.  And, before going into the first lockdown it helped me to lose 8kg***.  And the more I do it, the easier it gets.

Re-starting after the last Level 3 lockdown I thought I would be struggling to swim the distances I had been previously.  But the first day back I swam over 1km.  After that, I set my goal slightly higher - at least 1250 metres per swim.  And I did achieve that for a few weeks before my recent accident, swimming between 1100 - 1500 metres each session four times a week.  While I haven't lost weight, I feel fitter and stronger than ever.

My thumb splint.  It will be with me a while yet.

10) I fractured my right thumb
Another not so great thing.  Quite debilitating actually.  But at least I did it in a funny way.  I smacked it into the edge of the table when playing air hockey with Murray.  He will want it on the record that he won this game.  I want it on the record that I finished this game - with a fractured thumb.  Now that's a decent story at least.  The positives in this are that because I cannot do all things exactly as I used to I have had to try new things.  I put a housework plan in place (because I can't do all I used to do yet).  I simplified our meal planning whilst keeping things nutritious (a little less handy with knives).  I realised that I can use chopsticks with my left hand.  I got my first ever pedicure after realising I can't cut my toenails and it was not awful (I hate people touching my feet).  And, just ten days after my accident I got the all clear to get back in the pool (provided I wear my splint).  While I haven't managed the distances I was doing before - because it is still sore - I did finally manage to swim over 1km today which feels great.  I'm also back to being a regular at Hands Out West which is not a bad thing.  We're going to work on my strength once this is a bit better so that I stop continually spraining this thumb.

Pretty toes.  Might even do this again some time.

And there are more firsts than just these.  We also had our first pet picked up by the SPCA (the SPCA do amazing work), Abby's first day at school, our first home grown pomegranate, my first double vote Green.

In spite of all that is happening in the world, our lives go on.  And while this can be overwhelming, and have real impacts on our lives, this is not all that is happening.  It's so important to see this, to see what we have in front of us each day and to appreciate it all, the good and the bad, and use it as a place to grow from.

* Unless you are the ghost of someone who passed away from Covid this year.  If so, I am very sorry.  But please, continue reading.  You may find other things relatable.

** I love them, I just also really, really need to not see them every now and then.

*** I gained most of that back, but 2020, well, I'm going easy on myself.

On How Privilege Impacts The Covid Response

 If you are reading my blog right now you live with certain privilege.

Social media helped me feel connected
during the lockdowns           

• You are able to read
• You have time to read
• If you are from Aotearoa and can read this, it means you understand the language most used most commonly in public spaces.
• You understand how to use the internet
• You have access to the internet
  
• And this may not be true, but if you are reading this it is also likely that you use social media.  So you have a means of connecting with other people without seeing them.
  
  

Regardless of how much money you have in the bank, what colour your skin is, or when or where you were born.  If you are reading this, these things are true.

This also means you will have access to current affairs.  That you are able to watch the 1pm Covid updates, live or later, or read the summaries on news websites.  And if you are reasonably educated it means you can research the current pandemic.  That you can find the thoughts of expert epidemiologists at the click of a button.  You can see what solutions are being utilised overseas.  What is working, and what is not.  It means that, if you are unsure of the statistics, or what your government is telling you, you are able to research and find out more for yourself.

While this has become a normal image for many, there will be plenty for whom it is not.

Many, many people do not have these privileges.

I know this to be true having grown up with less privilege than now, but things I see in my daily life confirm it. My daughters friends parents, for whom English is a second language, are terrified.  It is hard for them to understand everything said about what is happening here, and their homeland - where most of their family still live - is not handling the pandemic well.  I've seen it when encountering someone at a supermarket over the last lockdown who didn't even know about Coronavirus.  They lived in an isolated place and did not use the internet.  Where this difference in privilege was most obvious yesterday was when I worked as a greeter at work next to the QR code at the entryway.

Not all retirees are this tech savvy

Many older customers were afraid of the QR code.  They thought that because they did not have the app they would not be allowed into the store.  They have become so used to being excluded due to lack of technology that they actually believed this.  They saw the QR code and were either angry or scared.  And it was heartbreaking.  I also saw a young woman pretend to scan the QR code with her phone.  Probably because I was there and she was scared I was judging her.  We also had customers afraid they would not be allowed in if they weren't wearing a mask.  I told a few anxious people where they could buy masks.  I helped someone use the app for the first time.  I did my absolute best to reassure folk struggling with our new normal that they were welcome and that I for one was not judging them.

But many are judging.

My colleague told me of an incident she witnessed at a butchers shop during level 3.  Where someone attacked another customer for adjusting her mask in a store where mask wearing was compulsory.  That the attack turned racial, attributing blame to a specific community* for the current Auckland cluster.  We have had customers act as though certain staff members were contaminated, purely because of the colour of their skin.  Customers literally saying they wouldn't use the eftpos machine because a specific staff member had touched it.  I was tagged in a Facebook post and called a bully because I had disagreed with someone's anti-lockdown stance.

While these things may shock folk who haven't encountered it, it is important to remember there is a reason for these attitudes.  And that reason is fear.

We are entering a time like none most people living have experienced.  And this is a global experience.  With the arrival of the internet we are more connected than ever before.  For those with access there is a flood of information available.  Whatever information we choose to believe, change and uncertainty is scary.  Humans naturally respond in certain ways to fear: fight, flight or freeze.  And here in Aotearoa, and many other Westernised nations the culture of attributing blame is very real.  When something goes wrong instead of asking 'Why did this happen?' many ask 'Who did this?'  Rather than focusing on solving the problem, many tend to fixate on who caused it.  And whoever they deem that to be becomes the target of their fight response.

And it is hard not to let fear dictate what we do.  While I work hard to avoid our 'blame' culture, I struggle with fear.  Not only am I human, but I have an anxiety disorder.  While I understand when my fear is irrational most of the time, I still struggle with managing the 'fight or flight' signals my body sends me.  So when I had stepped away from the internet only to come back to being tagged in a post where I was called a bully, I did not respond in the best way.  While I never attacked this person, I also did not take on board how scared she was.  I am used to healthy debates on differing ideas on social media.  I did not think to apologise.  Clearly she was overwhelmed with information.  She felt unsafe and attacked on her Facebook page.  Even though I did not technically do anything wrong, I should have recognised how upset she was, apologised, and moved on.

Because having not done so, I became the target of her fight, flight or freeze response.  This means she is even less likely to tolerate any information that goes against her existing mindset.  This means all of the stats, links, evidence, logic and hope I provided her with are completely useless.  And it isn't because she is stupid.  It's because she is human, and she is scared.

So how do we counter this fear?

With kindness and compassion**.  With understanding and communication.  None of us are perfect and we are not going to get things right all the time, but we can try and do better.  If we see someone not wearing a mask at the supermarket, rather than flicking them a scowl, we should give a smile.  And we can wonder why.  What do they not have access to?   Maybe they are struggling to adjust to a world of masked faces?  Maybe they are trying to normalise things for their kids?  When you see alternative info shared online, consider why they are sharing it.  How much education does this person have?  Is it easier to believe this than the reality of our current situation?  Is it easier to believe what is happening in the US is just 'fake news?' than facing the idea of mass graves?

Rather than prodding this fear we must understand where it comes from.  We can refrain from posting memes*** that exacerbate it, or reacting to memes that propagate it.  We can share balanced information that does not attribute blame.  Or, we can share information that helps others understand their privilege better, or the very real lack of privilege others experience which is exacerbated by our current situation.  And when sharing, understand that this will not be accessible to everyone you know.  We can help when we are asked to help, and we can step back when we are not.  We can recognise our privilege and not judge those who may not share it.

And we can stop focusing so much on blame and start focusing on problem solving.  We can follow the advice of experts and do simple things - hand washing, social distancing, staying home when we are sick****, mask wearing in situations where we can't easily distance.  We can focus on doing the best job we can at this - on setting a good example.  As I constantly say to my kids 'Please focus on what you're doing, not on what she (their sister) is doing'. 

The more we alienate ourselves from each other, the less likely it is that this 'team of 5 million' can come together and work toward beating this thing.  For us to be a team, we need to work together regardless - we need to help each other.  Regardless of our political beliefs, regardless of what we have or do not have.  Because if we don't, we are contributing to the problem.

Now this is a meme I can get behind!

* I don't think I need to explain this further, but I do need to reiterate that these folk did absolutely nothing they weren't supposed to do, and I am so sorry that not only did they have to experience Covid firsthand, but the massive, unwarranted public backlash as well.

** I need to make it clear I do not mean that if you see attacks on others you should not intervene.  You absolutely should if it is safe for you to do so.  But you should do it in the kindest way possible.  You have to recognise these actions come from fear, and articulate from a place of caring.  It is never ok to abuse someone because of your assumptions about them.  That abuse should always be called out.  But you can try not to exacerbate the situation.

*** Yes, memes are fun because they simplify things people relate to.  The problem with this is that they encourage folk to 'pile on' that particular issue.  And often they are centred around people  The other problem is that they propagate our desire to attribute blame.  And this does not help anyone.

**** Please understand that this is absolutely a privilege that many will struggle to afford..  If you can do it, please do it.  But you cannot know the impact taking time off may have on others, whether missing that shift is the difference between eating that week or not.  If you have the privilege not to have to make these kinds of decisions, please understand the difficulty it places on those that do.

On Coping with being Unproductive

So like many folk, I'm in an unproductive glut.

And it's not just the Covid blues.

Am I affected by this?  Yes!  Absolutely.  Even here in Aotearoa where we are comparatively safe our world has been completely turned on its head.  Overseas travel?  Nope.  Family visiting for upcoming important events?  Unlikely.  Entire industries have had the carpet pulled out from under them.  Those birthing babies during Lockdown did so under extremely unexpected circumstances.  And many missed the opportunity to give their loved ones a final goodbye.

I think most of us will be affected by this to varying degrees.  And for those of us who work creatively, this can really impact our ability to work.  Right now I am struggling not to compare myself to others.  The onslaught of amazing creative ventures (like this) posted regularly on social media makes it hard not to.  I have to remind myself on an almost daily basis that everyone's needs are different.  Our circumstances may be different.  The way we work, is very likely different.  Our mental load, the time we have available to us, may be different.  Our coping mechanisms may be different.

Right now, I'm struggling with my mental load.  As someone who juggles family and work commitments, I always do.  But right now it's different.  There is the added load of not only adjusting to life during a pandemic, but parenting through a pandemic.  And recently we added another ball to those currently up in the air.

Murray was diagnosed with epilepsy late last year.  It was not a shock based on previous history, but it has meant we've had to make some significant changes to our family's lives.  And after a couple of specialist visits, tests and some medication and lifestyle adjustments, Murray is still having seizures.  One of the fantastic things for us about Lockdown was that Murray could finally work from home.  We had been trying to get his work to put things in place so this could happen for over a month before, and suddenly, all the previous barriers disappeared almost overnight.  And there was a short reprieve from seizures.

At Waihi Beach just after Level 2 was announced
(we had left for holiday just before this happened)

But it was short.  Now we are a household juggling multiple needs.  We are juggling both mine and Murray's medical needs*.  We are juggling both of our mental health needs.  We are trying to manage our workplace relationships - both of us have had to take time off suddenly to manage health or childcare.  And while we both have very supportive workplaces, this still feels hard**.  As parents, we are doing our best to meet our children's multitudinous needs while still paying the bills and keeping up with the washing.  And we're still trying to make sure we have fun things to look forward to.

The catch 22 of Murray working from home more is that I have less time where I am completely alone.  And this is the best condition for me to get creative work done in.  Unlike many creatives, I am not a night owl.  I cannot stay up until 3am painting or writing or making.  After about 8pm I am done for the day.  All my brain is good for is laughing at sitcoms.  The best time for me to work is during the day with as little interruption as possible.  Equally, Murray's health is so much better when he works from home - Lockdown proved that.  The ideal compromise would be that Murray works from home three days a week with two of those being when I am at work but that's just not feasible.  Wellness does not conform to any schedule.

The other thing I'm struggling with is the decision making aspect of things.  Do we need a bigger house?  Can we afford a bigger house with the impact health is having on our ability to work?  How much do we expect of our children in terms of managing/understanding seizures?  Should I take on more hours to lighten Murray's workload?  What is feasible?  What is best?  What sort of future should we be preparing for?

And the guilt.  The guilt over whether I am making the right decisions for our family.  The guilt about ordering Ubereats because I'm too tired to cook or drive - spending money we may well need for more important things tomorrow.  The guilt about not doing better as a partner to someone who is having a shit time.  The guilt about calling work to say I can't come in because Murray isn't well enough to look after the kids.  That feeling that I am failing everyone, that I have left tasks incomplete.  That I can never do or be enough.  I know that this guilt doesn't help anyone but it's really, really hard to shake.

A power pole on the lawn.  Just so thankful no-one was hurt  

And I have this weird guilt about how I process.  When bad stuff happens, instead of reacting emotionally, I just manage the practical aspects of it.  And while this means I'm not bad to have around in an emergency, it does make me question my own humanity.  A few weeks ago I had a week so full of unexpected events that my life sounded like a week of Shortland Street.  Regular not great things happened, but also more than one extremely unlikely traumatic event.  After watching a power pole fall toward the house I called out to Murray 'The powerpole just fell.  You need to call Vector.' And he laughed because while the kids were screaming around me there was no emotion in my speech.  I just sounded resigned to this fact, exhausted.  I did not cry that week but I did feel absolutely shattered.

And I still am.

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

And when I read back over what I have just written and take a step back I'm not surprised.  It is a lot.  Whilst I have been creatively unproductive, my hands have been pretty full.  My brain has been so full it has literally been shutting itself down early so it can recharge and regroup.  And while my to-do list is endlessly overflowing it is understandable that I just let that be.  That I ignore the list and rest when I can.

And while my circumstances are likely different to yours - most of us have a lot more on our plates than we were expecting.

While I think at times it is easy, positioned as we are in the pandemic, to ignore the devastation rolling out overseas, it's still there in our subconscious.  If you are distancing yourself from this reality it may be because processing this change, this massive loss, is overwhelming.  Maybe this feeling comes out in how we feel about wearing PPE at work.  Maybe it impacts how strongly we feel about folk returning home to New Zealand.  Maybe it comes out in how much contact we have with friends and family overseas.  Regardless of how you are personally affected by Covid-19, it will have an impact.

While we (thankfully) do not feature on this list
       that doesn't mean this doesn't affect us.

And I think it's good to take a step back and look at that.  Assess just how full your hands are.  How much more you have to process these days.  How fair are you being on yourself?  I think right now everyone should be doing their best to be kind to themselves and understanding of others.  Now is the time more than ever to just focus on just living each day the best we can with what we have available.  And if that just means getting out of bed and brushing our teeth, or managing to make beans on toast, then that is enough.

It is important to remember that what we going through is in many ways, unprecedented.  Yes, there have been pandemics, but not on such a global scale.  We now live in a more globally connected era than ever before so this impacts on so many things we take for granted in our daily lives: imports, exports, tourism, the ability to travel.  Yes, we may be safer here in New Zealand, but that doesn't mean we are not affected.  Even if we try to distance ourselves from the changes ahead, from the unimaginable scale of loss, we still feel it.  The impact is catastrophic, and while we may not be conscious of it, it leaves a mark.

So regardless of your personal situation, it really is ok to just focus on the basics.  It's ok not to have all the answers to the questions your kids are asking.  It's ok to just hug them and say 'I don't know.  It is scary.'  It's ok if you aren't coping as well as your neighbour is.  It is ok to need time to process this. It's ok to take time to rest.

* Thankfully mine are minimal currently.  This endo thing is a rollercoaster for sure, but right now I'm in a sweet patch and have been for some time which is a huge blessing.  I also have a new GP who is really up to date with current research and has me using more effective medication (when I need it) which really makes a difference.

** It really, really triggers my anxiety as I don't like letting people down and work is very busy right now.

Live Below The Line: Day 5

So Friday was our last day of this challenge.

And while I learned a lot from doing this, I am not unhappy to see the back of it.  This is tough!  While it's not as tough as when I did the Ration Challenge a few years ago, it was still harder than I thought it would be, which was an eye opener.

Before doing the challenge I knew that it would be tough having to say 'no' to things.  I knew it would be tough going without even if I was hungry.  What I only knew after doing it, and analysing my diet afterward was exactly how much nutrition I would miss out on.  It's a lot more than I thought it would be.  I can appreciate a little better the challenges faced living on so little - and there are an increasing number of them in these unstable economic times.

   While pies are an affordable option at just over $1 per serve, they aren't exactly healthy..




Murray struggled with this - but he did get through.  I asked him a few questions this morning on how he found it:

Hannah: What did you miss eating the most?
Murray: Pies*

Hannah: And what was it that you missed most over all?
Murray: Just being able to snack.  Like, being able to get something from the pantry when I was hungry.

Hannah: How did eating this way impact you the most?
Murray: I was really tired.

Hannah: And what do you think the consequences would be of living like this long-term?
Murray: I don't imagine it would be very healthy.  Missing out on fruit.

A man of few words.

Anyhow, this is my analysis of specifically how much would be needed to boost this to a livable level.

The second cheapest apples at Pak-n-Save

Firstly, fruit.  I could afford one piece of the cheapest, in season, fruit for each of us a day.  In order to boost this to what is required, I need to boost it by the cost of one piece of fruit per person - preferably different to the other piece of fruit.  I have costed this by what is easily accessible to most - supermarket prices - and at a reliable per kg price.  So I went with apples at $1.99 per kg (they are sometimes half this price, but not reliably so).  To do this, we need to add another 38 cents per person per day to this budget.

Cheapest dairy available            

Secondly - and this was the thing we missed out most on - we need to add extra for dairy or dairy equivalents.  We were averaging about 1/4 of our daily requirement with what we had.  One serving of milk costs about 44 cents, my usual cheap dairy alternative costs 67 cents per serve.  The cheapest yoghurt costs a whopping 56 cents per serve, and cheese costs 55 cents per serve.  So the very least we could increase this by to meet this need is 66 cents per day - but for variety and health this should be closer to 77 cents.

We managed to make our protein quota most days, but it wasn't always healthy.  In an ideal world I would up this by about 21 cents - half the cost of a barn egg - per day.  This could equally be spent on healthier chicken, fish or beef options if used in meals that can be frozen and spread across a few weeks, or on nuts or tofu for those who opt not to eat meat.

And fibre... On review I could have made better decisions regarding the fibre I chose to use.  Brown rice is the same price as white rice, but takes longer to cook.  As like many who are time poor, I sacrificed nutrition for time.  Brown bread equally costs the same as white bread in the cheap bread stakes, and while we did eat brown bread, it was still cheap bread, full of sugar and other not ideal stuff.  Ideally, you'd have enough to buy slightly healthier loaves.  And ideally you'd have enough to indulge in different grains every now and again.  Grains are not too expensive.  I'd just add another 20 cents per day to make these more accessible.

I'm not adding anything for veges.  We did manage to make this quota most days - apart from when we were being fussy.  If you buy seasonally, and stick with the specials, this is achievable on this budget.  But to do this, other areas are sacrificed.  It's a hollow achievement when so much else is being missed out on. 

Carrots and onions are not super exciting,
but they are reasonably priced.

Given that an unhealthy diet is the highest preventable risk for poor health in Aotearoa, no-one should knowingly have so little money that they cannot eat healthily.  I mean, it's just straight up crazy.  The cost to our health system at the other end surely outweighs the cost of basic foods.  And this is not taking into account the cost poor health has on quality of life.  And while the majority of us do not live like this, many of us still do.  In fact, one in seven Kiwi households lives below the line.  That's a lot of Kiwis who are not having their basic nutritional needs met through no fault of their own.

At a minimum I'd say you need an extra $1.45 per adult per day to make this food budget able to meet nutritional needs.  This brings the total to $4.25 per day to get the nutrition needed - that's $29.75 per week per adult up just $9.80 on what is considered the current poverty line.  Remember, an average family of four spends $290 on food per week - for an equivalent family, this is still less than 1/3 of that.  It does not take much to lift a family from living without nutrition to just scraping by.

Going out for a coffee is a very important thing for some folk

But this is the minimum.  It does not leave room for price increases.  It does not leave room for cooking mishaps.  It does not leave room for days when you're too tired to cook, or are tired of eating rice or just feel like eating something more hearty.  It doesn't leave room for socialising - for having a friend over for a meal or going out for a coffee** - let alone a meal.  An extra $3 or $4 a week could change this.  It would allow for a coffee once a fortnight with friends, or to buy an extra can of beans, or a pie for those days when you're just not feeling it.  You could make an extra portion of a meal, or make a bigger meal to share with friends in potluck style.  An extra $3 would add the ability to be a little more like other people.  Which would make interacting with other people more comfortable.  To not be having to have others pay all the time.  To feel a little less trapped.  If I had $35 a week to feed myself - I think I would be ok.

Yes, the permanent increase of $25 to the base benefit will help with this.  Free school lunches will help with this.  But other things need to occur for this to be helpful.  Rent, food and power prices need to stabilise.  Transport costs need to stop rising.  Minimum wage should be a living wage.  And while rental rates are frozen at the moment, and public transport costs lowered, these are not long term solutions.  While $25 will make a significant difference to someone living on their own, it will be just a drop in the bucket for bigger families.

For those of us who are spending that average amount, for whom having so little is almost inconceivable, we are in a position to make a difference.  Firstly, we can give.  If we can survive on $10 less a week for food which given the example above, many of us can - we can give that to those who need it more.  By donating food to places like the Salvation Army and St Vincent De Pauls, which you can do at most supermarkets these days.  Or by making regular donations to KidsCan - you can start this from as little as $15 per month - this is achievable for many of us.  Or we can just check in with our friends and whanau that have less than we do, and see if they're doing ok.  Charity begins at home.

But the biggest thing we can do costs us nothing at all.  We can vote.  We can vote with those most in need at the heart of our vote.  We can vote to raise these households to a livable standard.  We can vote to fill hungry tummies, to lift the burdens from those single parents having to calculate every meal, every day, by themselves with no break ever in sight.  If we lift these people up, think of the possibility of not only their futures, but our future as a country.  These children could be our future academics, our sports heroes, our teachers, our changemakers.  What are we missing out on when we do not give these one in seven households the same opportunities we have?  We are missing something greater than tax breaks.  We are missing our humanity.  And we have the ability, every single one of us, to make a difference.




* While pies are an affordable option, on this diet, I was doing my best to meet our needs nutritionally, so I avoided them.

** You may not think of this as a necessity, but if you'd seen and spoken to the elderly folk that live around my work in the week following Lockdown you'd have some understanding of just how important this element of socialising is to many.  There is a coffee shop directly outside of my work and for many folk that live in the residential apartments nearby, a coffee and a chinwag with mates is just a part of their weekly routine.  One women in her 80's told me that she would not survive if she had to go into Lockdown again and she was dead serious.  It was because she missed getting out and socialising.  Socialising is a normal and important aspect of being human.

Live Below The Line: Day 4

So here is the funny thing that happened on Thursday.

A coffee and a muffin treat for me!

Last week at work I got an incentive for doing something good.  It was $10 for a coffee and a muffin.  I hadn't realised they meant it literally until they asked for the receipt today.  While I absolutely appreciate the kindness from my wonderful superiors I just don't usually buy coffee and muffins so just hadn't yet.  But then yesterday they needed the receipt for petty cash...  So I went and bought a coffee and a piece of cake which I could not eat.  I gave the coffee to a colleague in the lunchroom and popped the cake into the fridge.  I'm sure it'll still be good on Saturday and will be very welcome after this challenge has finished.

But lets get back on track.

I have eaten rice every day of this challenge.  And I will be eating it tomorrow too.  And there's a reason for that.  Like many folk with similar health issues I try to follow a low FODMAP diet to lessen the inflammation which causes me pain.  The thing with FODMAPS is that everyone's issues are different - usually only 2 - 3 groups of those six are an issue for most.  I used to have major problems with gluten.  Since having kids this has improved slightly, but I still try not to have it too much.  I have issues with lactose and some foods high in fructose.  The worst reactions I've had have been to things high in sulphites - particularly those used in sausages and salami.  So while I'm not allergic to any of this eating it can still cause me quite a bit of pain.

Coeliac symptoms in adults

Rice is a cheap, safe bet.  Gluten free bread and pasta was far to expensive to even consider.  If I were doing this challenge for longer I'd try to add in some other gluten free grains like sorghum or buckwheat - but at over double the price of white rice it's still a tough call.  One of the reasons our dairy intake has been so low is that I can't drink milk.  It makes me ill.  I had less than 1/4 of a cup per day over this challenge, and that was pretty much the max I can tolerate*.  I couldn't afford my usual almond milk.  There is no way anyone can have their dietary requirements met with so few funds, and folk with health issues are also unable to manage their health needs.

If you are a beneficiary you can apply for a disability allowance to help cover costs incurred for those with ongoing health issues.  You can use this to buy specialty foods.  When I worked at The Gluten Free Grocer I did WINZ quotes for families with Coeliac disease often.  Coeliac disease is an autoimmune disorder which affects about 1 in 70 Kiwis - this rate is higher here than in most parts of the world.  The consumption of gluten negatively impacts on their autoimmune system, meaning that eating it lowers their bodies ability to keep itself safe.  Between 10 - 30% of cancer patients also have an autoimmune disorder.  These have a huge impact on someone's quality of life and longevity.  Still, WINZ often rejected applications.  And if you were someone like me, where it was recommended by a Dr but not considered 'necessary', that rejection would be all the more likely.  When you are living on not enough, even an extra $10 a week makes a huge difference.  I always encouraged people to try.

So what did we eat on day 4?

We ate not a lot.  The protein filled night of day 3 did its job and I wasn't crazy hungry.  Murray also had a busy work day and just ran out of time for lunch.  So we didn't eat a lot, how was our nutrition?

Well, not great.  Even though the egg fried rice was full of veges, they would have only equated to one serving in the lunch version.  And daal, whilst delicious, healthy and filling contains just one serving of veg per serve.  Our protein was borderline - definitely a full serving in split peas, and maybe a half serving in the egg fried rice.  Fibre was still basic and we still cannot afford to eat any more fruit.  So it's probably a 1.5/5 day nutritionally.  So even though we both felt ok, eating like we did today is not going to serve us long term.

            Our daal and naan dinner - very delicious and affordable but not a lot of substance

So tomorrow I will write about the last day and also interview Murray to see what his thoughts were.  I know he found it tough - he hasn't had to eat on this restricted a diet in decades.  I'll also cost out how much more would be needed to meet nutritional needs for adults with our current economic conditions.

* I can eat some other dairy that is lower in lactose with no problems - like hard cheeses and yoghurt, but with so little funds this was just not an affordable option.

Live Below The Line: Day 3

Aside from nutrition, one of the biggest challenges with doing this challenge is limited choice.  Limited funds limits the choices available to you.  One of the hardest things was deciding not to buy free range eggs for this challenge.  We usually always do.  But free-range eggs are over double the price of the cheapest cage eggs - so in order to up our protein, which is still sorely lacking in this diet, we had to go with the cheapest option.  I put nutrition over ethics.

My Mum does this.  She's a vegetarian.  I don't think she's eaten meat in more than fifteen years.  She'd prefer to buy free-range, but she has limited funds.  She will not be alone in having to make these kinds of sacrifices.  Families NZ wide make these kinds of choices each week at the grocery store.  And other places too.  Families having to choose between turning a heater on or being able to have credit on their phone.  Selling their car to cut down on maintenance expenses so they can afford school trips.  Parents skipping meals to ensure their kids have enough in their lunch boxes.

While I don't agree with all that Labour does,   
this plan is a good'un                     

Speaking of which, our school is one of the lucky ones benefiting from the Free Lunches In Schools programme.  It happened very quickly - the budget was announced then exactly one week later - poof!  The lunch programme is on.  What is fantastic about it is that it doesn't single those in need out.  The food is available for everyone.  While we did have Kidscan lunches available at our school prior to this, the way these were dispersed was tricky.  The teachers had to make a sneaky informed guess at who was missing out that day, then send a message to reception who would ensure they had a lunch.  And while Kidscan is an amazing charity that I wholeheartedly support, it is limited.  It can't afford to feed everyone.  Those with the paperbag Kidscan lunches were more obvious.

As a kid who grew up with less I know how tough that is.  I went to a small, high decile school - you could count the poor kids on one hand - we stood out.  And as a kid that was different in other ways it was just another thing that made me feel left out.  The great thing about the free lunch plan is it removes the need for othering.  All the kids are allowed to say yes to some free lunch.  Our kids go to school with ample lunches they pack themselves and they've said yes to parts of the school lunch.  Etta tried peaches the other day.  She would never try them at home, but her friends were having them.  Not only does this plan fill empty tummies and helps everyone do better in the classroom, but it builds a sense of community.  Like the whakatauki in Abby's classroom says - 'He waka eke noa.' - we are all in this together.

Anyhow, on to what we ate yesterday.

The cheapest meat I could find.

Yesterday was the one day I bought meat for.  And the only reason I could buy meat was because I found this bargain at Pak 'n' Save a week ago and popped it into the freezer.  The only thing I could have got cheaper that was actual meat, was chicken bones.  Since the rise of MKR, even offal is dearer than this.

And I am so glad that I did.  After just two days eating on limited funds, we were both hungry.  Murray felt dizzy on the way home from work and I was grumpy and hungrier than usual and very excited about the prospect of dinner.  The thing that high protein foods do is keep you full for longer.  While carbs are a good stopgap, they are not a great long term fix.  If you want energy to last through the day you need to eat decent protein (which is why many nutritionists recommend having protein based breakfasts when you are trying to lose/or maintain a healthy weight).  So with this chicken, egg fried rice and some peanuts we actually managed to make our recommended protein quota for the day - but having it at the end of the day meant we lost out on all that it could have given us earlier on.

Consequently, this was our biggest spend day.  We both ate more than planned WAY over the daily of $5.70, but with that pittance of food on Monday, we're still on track with budget for the week.  This does mean there is no wriggle room in what we eat over the next two days though, and that makes me feel a bit nervous.  How did we do in the other areas of nutrition? 

We managed to make our vege quota.  This is because I bought seasonally and on special - I got a massive cauliflower from Countdown for $2 and used 1/2 of it in dinner.  Brocolli is reasonably priced at the moment so we had 1/4 of this too.  This plus the mixed veges in the egg fried rice, plus the carrot and corn with our lunch means we had 3 - 4 servings of veg - but still only one serving of fruit.  We also dipped out in the whole grains and our dairy intake was basically negligible - I maybe had 1/4 of my daily dietary requirements so am thankful broccoli is also a good source of calcium.

                                                            Winner winner chicken dinner

So was the food delicious?  Yes!  I like egg fried rice and veges and ginger and chicken.  But did it meet our nutritional requirements?  No.  2/5 is not a passing mark.  And the type of meat you can afford on this budget isn't exactly the healthy kind.  We usually buy skinless chicken breast if I'm using chicken - a good, low fat, healthy protein.  A whole chicken leg with skin and fat and bone isn't exactly healthy, but if I'm hungry, there is no way I'm getting rid of any of it.

Tune in tomorrow to see how I coped with work and this challenge.  I have a funny story to tell you...

Live Below The Line: Day 2

Daily posting is going to be a challenge in itself!  So I will keep these posts brief.

Yesterday went more to plan than Monday.  So I can show you how we spent that days money.  We went a little over what was planned because Mum, bless her heart, decided to make naan bread and give us some.  Because we went so far under budget on Monday, I factored it in and we had a garlic naan entree which was very much welcomed by Murray who had his first day back in the actual physical office* yesterday since the start of lockdown.

This is what we ate yesterday:

Now before I go into the nutritional deficits I want to talk about costings.  I have costed this by the cost of the purchased ingredients, divided by the quantity used.  I googled every single item to check the weight by cup or equivalent measure to ensure this was accurate.  I purchased from where I usually do (Pak n Save and our local Asian grocer) and while I did swap for cheaper brands where possible, I did keep to our usual brands on a few things (mostly because our usual brands are cheap!)  The licorice tea is cheaper than it usually would be because I bought it a while ago at the Clearance shop for cheap.  The black tea is Homebrand - also very cheap.  We opted for the cheapest fruits and veg - which are, incidentally, what is currently in season.  I honestly tried to get as much bang for our buck as we could without changing much about where and how we usually shop.

So lets look at what adults are supposed to eat every day and see how today's eating stacks up:

Two servings of fruit and three servings of vegetables
At least six servings of grains
At least two servings of dairy or dairy equivalents
At least two servings of legumes OR one serving of seafood, eggs, poultry or meat.

 Abby's mandarin tree.  We have seven fruit
trees, all fruiting age (three first fruiting this year)
The ability to plant and own fruit trees is a privilege.

The obvious outlier is we are missing a fruit serving.  And while we could have had another kiwifruit instead of the naan, you must remember that this was extra.  We were being polite to my Mum, and this was not planned for.  I worked really hard on this budget, and while there was wriggle room for another piece of fruit on some days, there was not room every day.  If we could eat the fruit that we get for free from our neighbours, or our own trees, we could have made up that deficit.  But the fact we have fruit trees, and friends with fruit trees is a privilege.  So for this week, like those without these privileges, we make do with less.  We DID have enough servings of vegetables.  This is mostly because we had left over salad from a family BBQ on Sunday which we did not want to waste so costed it out and had it with dinner.  The salad, plus the corn in the fritters, plus the carrot snack and in the soup makes our vege tally about four.  So that's good news.

Last nights dinner - filling and tasty, although the salad was weird
(2 leftover salads mixed together)

In the grains department we make it to about five servings if we count the Anzac biscuit and popcorn together as a serving.  We had rice with our soup.  The problem is, ALL the grains in todays diet were not whole.  All were the cheap options - white rice, white flour etc.  So nutritionally, it doesn't quite hit the mark.  Dairy is very much lacking.  I'd stretch and say we each had about one serving with the feta in the salad, the yoghurt in the naan bread and the milk in our breakfast and coffee put together.  The protein is also a miss.  We did have one serving of legumes with the soup for lunch and had about 1/4 of an egg in the corn fritters (as they serve 4 meals), and a few walnuts in the salad but that's it.

And I was trying!  I was really trying to create filling, balanced, healthy meals.  And while it certainly wasn't the worst diet a person could have, it still missed the mark.  The amount of money is just not enough to buy those expensive things - the dairy, the simple proteins, the fruit.  So did I go hungry yesterday?  No I did not.  Was all my food awful?  No it wasn't.  But my nutritional needs were not met.  This is why the kids are not doing this challenge.  While they could easily subsist on a diet of tomato soup, plain pasta, white bread and noodles and come under budget, they shouldn't.  They are growing.  They are learning.  They are kids.  But many kids do.  And it isn't about parenting, it's about a simple lack of funds and trying to keep those tummies full.  Simple carbs achieve that.

Tune in tomorrow where I will show off the only meal with meat for the week and sing the praises of the new Lunches In Schools programme.

* He slipped up and had a coffee at work which has a fancy pod machine, so I had to factor that in.  An expensive slip at 50c a coffee!  Hoping it doesn't happen again today as we don't have much more wriggle in our budget.

Living Below The Line - Day one

So this is awful timing for this challenge, but also, a really good time to do a challenge that illustrates what it is like for many Kiwis right now.  Coming out of lockdown with all the uncertainty of living in this post-Covid world I think it's important that everyone learns to live with less.  Because there but for the grace of God go I.  Right now, we are financially ok.  But had we worked in different industries, this would not have been the case.  For those of us who are ok, we should have a little empathy, and give our strength and support to those who are not.

I don't expect sponsorship.  I know times are tough for many which is exactly why I am doing this.  If you can afford to, and you want to just click on the link here and nominate any amount.  Otherwise, if reading this makes you feel bad, just check in on your neighbours and whanau.  Make sure they're doing ok.

My desire to write today specifically is spurred by the governments latest payment scheme.

Their plan to increase benefits for those who lose their jobs due to Covid may seem nice on the surface.  But the reality is that it shelters those who do from the reality of living on a benefit in New Zealand.  From the reality of tracking the amount you, or your partner earns to ensure it doesn't inversely affect your income.  From the reality of being hungry, of having to plan everything, of having no flexibility, little choice, in your daily life.  Creating this difference - between pre-Covid and post-Covid beneficiaries enforces the ideology somehow these job losses are different.

I know you are a good person Carmel.  Surely you can see how wrong this is.

And it allows the government to continue paying an unlivable benefit.  It allows those whose recent misfortune is now buffered to say things like 'Well, I lost my job and I'm still managing!'  It allows this division of thinking to continue.  My mother worked hard her whole life until her health no longer allowed her to.  Like thousands of other New Zealanders.  And our previous government got rid of the Sickness Benefit.  So, those who have been less fortunate in the health department, like my Mum receive 'Jobseekers support'.  The same as their able bodied peers.  This means that they all have to get signed off by Drs regularly.  Even if they have chronic conditions they must provide paperwork to WINZ otherwise their benefit will be cut off.  This is the case for those going through chemo, those with disabilities, those with chronic illness, those with mental illness.

What this payment says is that these people, who have also ended up in the system through no fault of their own, are worth less than those who recently lost their jobs.  That everyone else who may have lost their jobs, every other person who, through circumstance, was on a benefit before Covid-19, is worth less.  Even though they have managed to survive on a pittance for, in some cases, decades, they still do not deserve a livable income but somehow the recently impoverished do.  This truly sickens me.

Anyhow, I digress.  Now, to the challenge.

Today, and tomorrows, morning coffee.  Farewell Avalanche.

Murray is doing it with me to make cooking simpler (I am pleasantly surprised).  We have to subsist on $2.85 each per day for food for five days.  Now, I know many folk who live well below this.  I know people who've had to live with less than $10 to feed themselves.  But in the context of the rest of New Zealand, an average family of 2 adults and two children spend about $290 per week on food.  This amount is just over 1/4 of that amount.  What I'm hoping to illustrate over this week though is the extra work involved in managing living on so much less.  The amount of time I have to put into managing our budget.  The lack of choice.

Lentil and carrot is the soup of the next two days

I also need to say that I come to this challenge with a lot of privilege.  I did accounting right through school (a positive side effect of growing up poor), so I can budget well.  I have worked in the food industry and have an interest in nutrition, so cooking for health is not difficult for me.  I have more time than many.  Yes I have kids and work 26 hours per week, but that is less than many, especially our working poor.  I also live close to civilization and have access to reliable transport, childcare and internet.  And when this is over I know I can order from my favourite local Indian restaurant.  All of this privilege means that my window into this week is rose tinted.  This is not a picture of the reality for those living in poverty.

Because of this privilege I planned and budgeted this week in advance leaving room (money) aside for alterations.  I am so glad I did this because on the first day I was horribly ill.  This meant I had no interest in cooking, or eating, the food I had planned.  And while this did save some money, it did mean that the nutrition in my diet yesterday was non-existent.  This is what me and Murray ate yesterday.  It's pretty empty.

Were I sick under normal circumstances, I would have filled it differently.  I would have had lemonade, or gingerale.  But on this budget, this wasn't possible.  Murray's epilepsy means he can no longer drive, and I was not well enough to go far.  So this would have to come from a dairy, and would cost at least $1.50 - $4.00.  This was not  a cost I could justify given the amount we have for this week.  Equally, after my visit to A&E (only possible because we aren't in poverty, otherwise it'd have had to be Waitakere Hospital) I might have bought some fries from McDonalds.  At the exorbitant price that they are for something nutritionally negligent and small, this also was not justifiable.

Compare what we ate yesterday with what we are supposed to eat in a healthy diet.
In a healthy diet, this is what an adult should be eating daily:

Two servings of fruit and three servings of vegetables
At least six servings of grains
At least two servings of dairy or dairy equivalents
At least two servings of legumes OR one serving of seafood, eggs, poultry or meat.

While Monday's food is not fairly representative of what we had planned, I can tell you there is no way you can meet these nutritional needs on a poverty budget.

Just from planning our meals I can see how very easy it would be to just opt for high carb, high calorie, filling foods.  They are cheaper and easier to prepare.  Using the same budget I could just eat toast for breakfast, 2 minute noodles for lunch and a pie and oven chips for dinner.  And I'd have a little left over for crisps or biscuits or maybe some cheap fruit.

Anyhow.  I need to save some of this vitriol for later.  Tune in tomorrow to see a proper days eating and watch me break it down nutritionally to show you the deficits. 

Covid Pyjama Karaoke Somethings Got A Hold On Me

On the reality of coping with Covid-19

While my blog post out-put started out strong in lockdown, over the last month I've found it hard to write.  I have struggled to do any creative writing.  While I have written a couple of poems that I am happy with I have struggled to work on existing short stories.  They sit untouched and unfinished in a folder on the computer which I've hidden so I don't have to look at it and feel guilty.

Like many of us, I'm doing my best to be positive about our current reality.  The benefits of my long mental health history is that I have a lot of tools available that I know work for me.  So I'm utilising them.  Maintaining a positive outlook isn't that hard for me.  But that doesn't mean this doesn't affect me.  It might be less obvious but I am struggling.

On holiday in Athenree just before lockdown was announced (maintaining social distancing)

And that's unsurprising.  I think that most of us, whether we have diagnosed mental illnesses or not will struggle with what is happening.  Our lives have been turned upside down and we've all had to make massive adjustments in a very short space of time.  Our family went from preparing for our first international holiday, to leaving the substituted local holiday early to prepare for lockdown.  To prepare for not seeing our friends or family.  To prepare for not having access to some of the things we take for granted.  When I should have had four days alone in the Rarotonga sun, I was supporting my kids in learning from home.  We have less support, less space and little certainty as to what the future will bring.

And I'm privileged.  Missing a holiday is a total FWP.  Many are facing much harder realities.  Domestic violence rates are up.  14 women and 2 children have been murdered in the first three weeks of UK lockdown.  Women* are literally trapped in with their abusers.  Single parents are managing their children without support.  Single parents working from home are multitasking in extremely stressful circumstances.  Many elderly folk are struggling to access services in a world which is now largely lived online.  Job losses, pay cuts and industry instability threaten.  Unemployment rates are predicted to leap from 4% to 8.5% with some predictions as high as 13%. The reality is that most of us are having to cope with unexpected change.  We are all processing a loss of some kind.

Because even though there are positives to the world slowing down, this is no less true.  I am processing a loss of space and a loss of support.  Many are processing a loss of choice and flexibility and many are processing a loss in income or their livelihood.  And living in New Zealand we are privileged.  Only 19 people have lost their lives here to Covid-19.  And while this is a great loss, and it is awful for all their loved ones, in many places it is worse.  In the US, over 63,000 have died from covid-19.  Many people worldwide are not only processing the same losses we are here, but also the loss of friends and whanau.  They may have lost their sense of safety, or sense that those they care for are safe.  Or suffered a loss of faith in their health system or their government. The losses from this pandemic are too many to name.  The losses are hard to fathom.

Etta is making her bed every day          

And we all cope with that loss differently.  In our bubble Murray copes by putting extra effort into work, and playing more games with his online communities.  I cope by preparing for the worst; working in the garden, being frugal with food and finance and budgeting for multiple scenarios.  Etta is focused on school work and (a new development) cleaning.  Abby copes by eating, watching too much TV and having extra cuddles.  While there are aspects to our coping mechanisms that are useful, for the most part, they are just distractions.  We are not processing the issues at hand.  But at a time of such uncertainty what more can we do?

We are doing our best to support our kids emotionally, but it's tough.  We are trying to support them in feeling their feelings and those feelings are very big right now.  This is to be expected.  Whilst Etta is smart and has a basic understanding of what is happening she is not emotionally equipped to deal with it.  Because she's only six years old.  While she understands why she can't see or hug her BFF, she can't process the reality of living like this.  She has tried to 'trick' us into seeing her BFF or other friends.  It has been awful watching her face as she sees her ruses fail.  And while she can chat to her friends on video phone this is still difficult.  While it gives her that contact she craves, it simultaneously reminds her of her loss.  The nights after those video calls are full of tears and a child struggling to manage her current reality.

Our bubble kitted crazy for Wacky Wednesday

While Etta's lack of coping is obvious, none of us are coping.  Our 'not coping' just looks differently.  For me, it comes in the form of feeling exhausted** and irritable and doing weird things.  For Murray, it's struggling with past addictions.  And while Abby seems ok most of the time, if triggered by what she misses most (my Mum) she becomes a sobbing mess.  In an unprecedented situation, how do you know how to deal with this?  How do your manage your wellness when everyone is falling apart?

I honestly don't know.  If you have to live just minute to minute that's a way.  If you have to smile to stop yourself from crying, that's a way.  If you have to put your energy into helping others, that's a way (as long as you're not pissing them off in the process).  If you have to dress up in fancy costumes that's a way.  I've been writing ten things I'm grateful for each day, and spending time alone in nature - those things help me.  I have friends who have taken up running.  I have no simple solution.  The purpose of this is that I see so much focus on the positives (and I contribute to that) that I feel the need to remind folk that it's ok not to be ok right now.

The not-so-humble arsehole bird (spur winged plover) at almost dusk

Even if we can see the gains made*** it's still ok to feel that loss.  These two feelings can co-exist.  You can simultaneously feel gratitude while processing loss.

I do think that recognising and acknowledging that loss is a good starting point to finding a way to cope.  What have you lost?  How do you feel about this?  How are you acknowledging and managing those feelings?  Do you need support around this?  What support can you access at this time?  Do you need practical support with anything?  Obviously if you don't feel a sense of loss you don't need to ask these things, but it is just as important that you understand many, many people might.  It's totally ok to be ok too as long as you have compassion for others.

In uncertain times like now the best thing we can do is be kind.  Be kind to others.  Be kind to those in your bubble and those you love.  Be kind to those you don't understand.  Recognise that we all have different strengths and weaknesses, different experiences and different tools in our belts.  And most importantly be kind to yourself.  It's ok to be ok.  And it's ok to not be ok.  And right now it's enough just to be.

* You can say 'it's men too' as much as you want - and it is, but seldom as much as it is women.  In the UK 100% more women then men have been murdered due to domestic violence.

** There are physical reasons for this on top of the mental ones.  Both of the kids are waking more frequently overnight with nightmares.  And as Murray does not wake up (no fault of his, he just doesn't) I am the one getting up overnight.

*** And there are many - for the improvement of our environment, for the revitalisation of our wildlife, to remind us of what really matters, to teach us how simple it is for most of us to live differently.