On Surviving School Holidays

I've done it.

I've survived another two weeks of children at home.

Another two weeks of sister on sister violence. 
Another two weeks of hearing 'I'm bored!' when I've already suggested four things to do.
Another two weeks of counting the hours until the end of the holidays

I have no good parenting tips on how to get through this.  I am never going to win a Mother Of The Year award.  My techniques aren't going to work for everyone.  But I survived.  And here is how I did it.

Working More
I cashed in on other parents wanting to spend time with their kids by taking on more hours at work.  The thing is that someone's got to do it.  Some people straight up can't afford childcare for the holidays.  Some folk aren't so lucky to have family available to help out.  And those people need the flexibility of being able to take time off for the holidays.  I'm lucky to have an amazingly supportive mother and a partner who loves spending time with his kids.  So while I was limited in how much I could take on (because Mum and Murray can't do it every day!) I did take on a few extra hours to give me a little bit of space.

Etta with her bestie at Chipmunks

Playdates 
While we didn't do as many of these as we'd planned, they really did help break up those two weeks.  Etta got to spend a whole day with her bestie, while Abby got to spend that whole day alone with my Mum (one of her most favorite people) and I got to go to work.  And when I got home from work they were actually nice to each other because they hadn't got under each others skin all day.

And when Etta's friend spent an afternoon here, it was just heavenly!  Having that extra little person, even if she was technically 'Etta's' friend, broke up the usual dynamic so all the kids played together and I could actually do something enjoyable!  I watched a (child appropriate) game show and knitted wash cloths for my hapu friend and actually got some writing done.  I made up a plate of snacks that they could eat when they were hungry, and other than eating, they just played happily.  Bliss!

We had planned an epic time at a local park with a bunch of school friends, but sadly this was thwarted by the weather.  But I do think it would have been an awesome thing to do.  Something I'll revisit in the Summer holidays.  Often we'll stay at school to play on the playground with other families we know.  This would be just like this only even better because the kids have missed each other.

Not Sweating The Small Stuff
I let the kids watch TV when it's raining.  I let Etta coerce Abby into counting their button collections together.  I let them stay in their PJ's all day if we don't have to go anywhere.  I let them stay up late reading, or doing yoga, or drawing in their rooms.  I bribed them to help me clean with the promise of a Lego blindbag (just the one time).  No point in worrying.  It's just two weeks.  We've just gotta survive it without driving each other too crazy.

Normal Bedtime
My kids are cranky enough when they're out of a routine.  So why would I change the one routine that doesn't need to change?  While I allowed them read/draw/yoga longer in their rooms than usual, I still put them to bed at the usual time.  For their well-being, but equally for mine.  Mama needs some grown up time away from the kids.  Especially after playing referee all day.

Making Them Clean...
So they're home more than usual and they're bored?  Oh well, they can help me clean the house!  The great thing is that at the moment, cleaning the toilet is still a novelty for them, so they actually argue over who gets to do it!  They also care more about pocket money because there's more free time to actually go to a shop, so I cash in on that opportunity.  Even if it's just a 'do three small jobs' tidy, it all makes a difference to the livability of our home, and that's even more important during rainy school holidays

Abby riding a pony at Crystal Mountain with my Mum

Treating Myself With Kindness
It is hard not to beat yourself up over not using the school holidays as an opportunity to do something great.  To connect with your kids, to take them away on an actual holiday, to do a bunch of educational activities.  I mean, doing any or all of those things is the ideal, but not always the reality.  My reality was having less time than usual to actually sleep.  So school holidays is mega tiring.  I had to focus on the fact that actually, the kids did get to do some pretty cool stuff and no-one had to go to A&E.  So really, that's a pretty good outcome.

Snatching Those Minutes
I am a person who needs her space and time.  And during the holidays that daytime time just doesn't exist any more.  The kids are there.  Every day.  And when I'm not working, so am I.  So I have to cash in on those small bits of time where no-one is there.  On days where I was super tired I would beg a half hour of 'rest time' where I would set a timer for half an hour and read in my room and shut my eyes for a bit.  Bliss.  Sometimes.  Some days the kids would be in every five minutes to tell me about something they'd just read, or made or injured... But some days I actually got a wee break to just be without someone talking at or needing something from me.  I also left for work a little early some days so I could just sit quietly in the car for five minutes alone.

The kids with their portraits.  So cool!

Utilising Free Activities
Being a suburban Mum is weird for me because I didn't grow up in the suburbs.  As a country kid I'm pretty sure I hardly saw my parents during the daytime in the holidays*.  I would have been either reading somewhere, climbing a tree, catching frogs and generally finding stuff to explore around the farm.  And I can't quite let the kids run free around the neighbourhood here.  There are cars, and predators and it's just not what small kids do these days. 

But what we do have is a variety of free holiday things to do!  The malls have activities on.  Bunnings has activities on.  The library has activities on.  Honestly, we could probably do three or four free activities a week without going further than 10 minutes from our house.  This holidays we learned how to make balloon swords and dogs and the kids had their portraits drawn by some pretty amazing Kiwi artists from the Quick Draw Sketch Gang.  And not only was it great for the kids, but I discovered that not only do I like making balloon animals, but I'm actually pretty good at it.

Our growing seeds: thyme, radish, squash

Tricking The Kids Into Helping Out
Much along the same lines as the cleaning thing.  I like having a garden, but I am a very slack gardener.  I made visiting Bunnings and planting things a 'fun activity' so I could get it done without complaint from my clingy kids that I wasn't paying attention to them.  I let them choose some $1 seeds each to plant and we've watched baby radishes, thyme and courgettes emerge as the holidays has progressed.  We planted out Abby's sunflower from Kindy and put strawberries and lavender into bigger pots on my new planter.  And it was fun!  Even if the kids were mostly just keen on watering stuff, I got a little gardening done.

Being Grateful
The best thing about the holidays is that they end.  And when they're done, you can finally have some time out for yourself.  While I do find holidays hard**, it helps me to appreciate what our teachers do not just for our kids, but for us.  Not only do they educate and care for our children, but they allow us time to do the other things we need to do.  Whether it be going to work, cleaning the house, doing things to keep us physically fit, or doing things to help our mental health.  While I know not everyone feels the struggle like I do, I hope that everyone is on the same page in being so grateful for what these wonderful people do for us.  Whether they teach ECE***, Primary or Secondary, our teachers are an invaluable part of our lives.

And I am blessed in that our kids teachers are lovely ones. Because of this our kids were actually excited about returning to school and Kindy.  And while for Etta this was more about seeing her friends and only a little about her teacher, for Abby it was ALL about her wonderful teachers.

And now they're out at school and Kindy, I might go have a nap.

* This was very well probably not the case at all.
** 2 weeks is liveable, the Christmas holiday period however...  That's something else.
*** Here's a link to a petition for more equal pay for our ECE teachers if you are interested in signing and/or reading.

Coping With Change

I swear I'm going to be an awful complaining old person.
I'm already like a grumpy old lady and I'm not even 40 years old!
I hate change.

And while I know that change is necessary for progress, and something I facilitate within my own life, some change just sucks.

My local supermarket closed on Saturday.

It seems petty, but it really is a big deal.  I mean, our kids cried, and we had to make a special trip to go and say goodbye.

My kids dig Stickman

It's not just because it's Pak 'n' Save and it's affordable and less than ten minutes from home and the kids love Stickman.  It's not just because I know the layout and write my shopping lists via an imaginary walk-through down its aisles.  It's because we know the people who work there.  Many of those wonderful people have been a regular part of my life since we moved out West more than seven years ago.  They have seen me through pregnancy and crying babies.  They have seen me in tougher times, armed with a calculator and in better times with treats in the trolley.  They have showered our children with free teeny chip packages from unexpectedly opened multi-packs.  The staff at Alderman Drive Pak 'n' Save have been a big part of my life for the last seven years.

And now they won't be any more.

And what makes the whole thing worse is that how the owners went about this was not the best.  Sure, as a customer the store had some great deals prior to closing.  But the staff there were not offered a fair redundancy*.  And few have jobs to move on to.  And they have had to endure the whole will they-wont they back and forth over when the store would close.  I've been in that position myself and I can tell you it's really not fun.  Those people who have made us feel so welcome in our local community, many of them are now jobless after, for some, decades of good service.  I am mourning for those wonderful people.

And I am dreading having to do the grocery shopping this week.

Countdown cannot tempt me with
their parental guilt traps...      

My next closest supermarket is the Westcity Countdown.  But our food budget doesn't stretch to Countdown prices without making some serious sacrifices.  Our next best option is Pak 'n' Save on Lincoln road.  But it's on Lincoln Road.  And it's huge.  And huge shops freak me out.  I will have to learn a new supermarket layout.  I will have to change my usual tightly timed Thursday shopping schedule to accommodate an extra 20 minutes for travel time.  And no-one there will know me.  No-one there has watched my children grow up.  No-one knows my name.  That might change in time, but currently, I'm resistant to it.  It's not my supermarket.  I don't know how it can be.  I am currently bereft of a supermarket.

And I haven't just lost my supermarket.

My chemist is also closing this week.  This is completely understandable.  The Chemist Warehouse has opened up across the road, and if it's affecting aspects of my workplace's trade (which it is) it will certainly be affecting theirs.  While this isn't as big of a shock - while my chemist is not such a big part of my life, it's still sad.  And again, many of the staff do not have jobs to move on to.  Many of the staff have worked there for a long time.  This closure will impact on their lives in a big way.

There are plenty of other chemists nearby, but, sadly the cheapest and closest option for us is the very reason my chemist has closed.  I've only been to The Chemist Warehouse once and it is really not my cup of tea.  Like the Lincoln Road Pak 'n' Save it is huge and overwhelming.  But like my chemist, there is no charge for prescriptions.  And when you, or others in your household are on more than one regular medication, avoiding this cost really makes a big difference.

Where have all the postboxes gone?

And our postboxes over time have gradually disappeared.  I filled out my voting form for the local body election ages ago, but am yet to post it as I am unsure as to where I can post them any more.  And I don't trust the post box maps online because the last time I tried using one, it was out of date.  I have to drop the forms off to my local library today because it's now past the time that I can post my forms.  I don't post things often, but when our electoral system, hospital system and social service systems (WINZ) are still dependent on snail mail, it's quite important we can still easily access post**.  I mean, if they have real concerns about voter turnouts maybe this is a simple thing they could consider.  If it affects me, a relatively 'young' person, what impact will this have on older folk, or people in poverty, or folk with health or mobility issues?

Some changes are made without consideration of their wider impact.

I know that my reaction to these changes is probably bigger than it maybe should be.  But when you're overwhelmed by big changes, every little change becomes harder to process.  The last two years have seen huge changes for me.  Issues within my broader family have meant major changes to our family life. Where we used to have a huge extended family Christmas dinner, last year for the first time ever, it was just our wee family of four.  We have had to make big changes in order to keep our family safe.  And while those changes have been by no means ideal, they have been necessary.

Sometimes we have to make drastic changes to work toward changing this culture

And while all change is hard, the reality is that it is necessary for growth.  As a nation, our family violence rates are appalling.  And when in our own lives, we actively, or inactively allow abusive relationships to foster and grow, we are contributing to this.  I know this is something that we can change.  I know exactly why this change seldom happens because I live with the consequences of my choices around this every day.  It's not easy.  I am labelled a 'shit stirrer'.  I am told I don't understand the value of 'family.'  By calling out abusive behaviours I have become a target for further abuse.  This isn't exactly fun.  Actually, it's quite lonely.  But I want to build a better world for our children, and in order to do that I cannot allow abusive behaviours to manifest in either mine, or their lives.  I refuse to normalise abuse because 'Aunty Betty is just old fashioned.'  It's just not ok.  I don't want my kids to ever think that's ok.

I think one of our biggest problems is we are not taught to recognise abuse
Here are some of the warning signs.

I know that for those staff from Alderman Drive Pak 'n' Save and Westcity Life Pharmacy this change is hard.  But I hope that this is one of those changes that is for the better.  I hope they get to move on to places that actually pay them what they're worth (Pak 'n' Save and Countdown union members are both fighting for Living Wage).  I hope they move on to places that appreciate and understand the experience they have gained in the work they've been doing and recognise how good they are at dealing with people.  I really hope that the Auckland Zoo Gift shop re-looks at their applications and realised they missed a gem in not even giving Kat Stellar an interview.  I can think of no other person who would be more enthusiastic, better with children or experienced, to do that job amazingly well.

Change is hard, but I always hope that with it comes positive growth.

I went to Pak 'n' Save on Lincoln Road for a recce yesterday.  It was awful.  The kids hated it.  There were too many people and too many things to shop.  But I found some reasonably priced chorizo, something not at my old Pak 'n' Save.  And I don't eat that stuff, but Murray does.  So I built him a pizza with it because I was going out for a work dinner and felt a little guilty.  And he said that pizza was so delicious he ate the whole thing and had none left for lunch the next day.

It's a small win, but it's a start.

*  There is no point going into details, but I do know some of the details and it is extremely unethical, particularly toward the staff that have been there for longer than the current franchise owner.

** It now costs $1.30 to send basic post within NZ now.  That really isn't accessible.  Particularly for the elderly, many of whom still rely on post and many of whom are reliant on a pension to survive.

On How I Manage My Life

This year has been very busy and very hard.  My mental health has suffered and as a consequence, my creative practice.  While last year I managed my goal of writing one short story every month, comparatively this year I have written very little.  I had not set a large goal for this year.  I had a project earlier on which I knew would eat into my brain matter, so I had decided at the outset to take things easy.

But not quite this easy...

I'm the tallest one in the picture for once!   
Winning a Mothers Day Card comp circa 1993

When I have little to no creative output everything just feels wrong.  It's not due to guilt, or ego.  It's more a loss of my sense of self.  I've been creating in some form or another for as long as I can remember.  I started keeping a poetry journal when I was about eight, which I still have* alongside some of the obsessively crafted stories of imaginary worlds a nine year old me put on paper.  While creating is a large part of who I am I strongly suspect that it's a coping mechanism.  Sometimes a means of escaping.  Sometimes a means of analysing and understanding.  Always an important tool for managing my mental health.

A stack of frozen baby food.  So pretty!

When the kids were little and my brain function was at an all time low, I focused on creating manageable things.  I made jellies and delighted in their colours.  I made a sourdough starter and from that created gluten free bread twice a week.  I exulted in the rainbow of homemade baby food I blitzed for Etta.  I focused on different creative outputs so I still felt human.

But this year my brain has felt too full to do even that.

I have had patches of activity and patches of nothingness.  There has been no consistency.  My mental health has been the worst it's been since Abby was small**.  And I'm not sure what this is like for other creatives, but for me it forms a vicious cycle.  Down and exhausted so no energy to create.  Don't create, so feel further disconnected from myself.  Disconnection makes me feel even worse about myself.

Plum jellies, such a gorgeous colour!

But recently I've had a breakthrough.

This breakthrough was, in part, due to going back onto medication to get some stability***.  Once I gained my equilibrium I had a brilliant idea.

Excel.

I love spreadsheets.  They help me feel calm.  The absolutes of mathematics are comforting.  While I mostly use them for creating budgets (I love making budgets), I've used them for many other things.  I used them to monitor Etta's sleep when she was a baby.  I use them to create week planners and charts for the kids.  I used them to chart my temperature when I was attempting to conceive Etta**** - which totally worked.  In fact, one of Etta's middle names (Sally) is derived from Murray's workmates nickname for our potential progeny: Celly.  Thus named for mine and Murray's***** obsession with Excel.

A few weeks ago I suddenly realised another way I could use Excel to improve my life.


I started tracking my writing.

I set myself an optimum goal of writing four hours a week.  I know it doesn't seem like much, but it is much more than zero.  Four hours is half of an eight hour work day.  Four hours feels like a manageable amount plus enough to achieve something tangible.  And while I haven't managed that goal as yet, I have managed to get some semblance of a writing practice happening.  I am excited about creating data to analyse and decide what else I should be tracking.  I have managed to post a blog once a week over the last three weeks while posting consistently on the same day.  This has never happened before.

I have built some LEGO this year, but building
without instructions meets a very different need.

It probably seems a bit silly, but I'm a list maker.  I'm a chart filler.  I'm a box ticker.  Having a visual reminder of what I should be doing makes me want to fill in those little boxes.  I'm a teachers pet from way back.  So it means that even if I really don't feel like writing.  Even if my brain is tired or my mind is blank I am picking up the laptop in bed and putting words on the screen.  I'm taking the lappy to work and snatching five minutes of writing time in the car.  I am editing in the lunch room.  And those words might be rubbish.  But it doesn't matter.  Because it's a start and it gives me a place to work forward from.  Building something is better than building nothing.

And I am starting to feel better.  I am still saddened that two wonderful people have left this earth sooner than they should have, but I'm coming to terms with it.  They were both problem solvers.  Both determined (some might even say stubborn) to do what they felt they were called to regardless of what barriers were put in their path.  Even if what I'm making currently is unremarkable, I am making.  And making is helping this grief, this loss, feel more manageable.



* Oh dear lord there is some awful stuff in there!

** A colicky baby who will not sleep alone plus a toddler with sensory issues does not make for good mental health
*** I had gone off my meds by accident (again), but had been coping ok.  I found that I was sleeping much better when I wasn't medicated, and that felt friggen amazing.  But with all the things that happened this year, after a while that ability to cope faded.  And, even with the negative affect it has on my sleep, medication became necessary again.

**** I only have one fallopian tube and had just been the go ahead to try to conceive.  But when not on the pill, my cycle is super irregular (thank you endo!) so I needed all the help I could get.  We had been told due to my medical issues we would be eligible for one bout of free IVF on the government, but having been through unsuccessful IVF as an egg donor previously, I really hoped to avoid that.

***** Murray is not so much obsessed with Excel, as someone who has had to use it as part of his job.  He is the master of adding buttons to make cool stuff happen to your data collection.