Start of the Ration Challenge

I am not going to post every day - probably just today and at the end.  And these posts will be short.  Because this challenge is tough.

Unfortunately I have not gone into this challenge strong: I am sick.  Flu sick - again.  Coughing up gross stuff - again.  Sigh.  Regardless, I will persevere unless advised otherwise.  I desperately want some lemon.  I usually use food/drink not just as a crutch, but also as genuine medicine.  If I were not doing the challenge I would be starting the day with lemon in warm water and having a hot curry for dinner followed by a hot toddy.  That'll cure what ails ya!  If you can get it...

Murray has assured me that cough medicine is not cheating.  So I did buy some today and felt massive guilt because it is like a 'food' because it contains calories and sugar and usually I quite like it.  Thankfully, the medicine recommended by the pharmacist is the most disgusting medicine I have ever swallowed in my life* so I feel much less guilty now.

Besides that, yesterday was ok.  I felt ok.  The hardest part of the day was coming home after work, seeing the balls of energy that are our children, and having to cook a meal amongst all of it having just worked all day.  The actual work day was fine.

The grossest meal I've had so far - sweet rice pudding with nuts

And the food was mostly fine.  I have learned though that I do not like sweet rice porridge.  I should have known as I have always hated rice pudding.  So here on in I will be making a savory congee for breakfast instead.  My gluten free roti does not keep well.  Not really at all.  So it tastes ok but is a little like eating a tire.  But it does fill me up.

The winning meal - bean stew

My dinner was definitely the winner in the flavor category.  I made a kind of refried bean stew using all my beans, some finely diced carrot, minced tofu and water.  I have rationed it out so it can last for three dinners with a little extra to have with roti for lunch.  AND I decided to use make a bigger batch of my peanut butter cookies so I have enough to have TWO small cookies a day.  I am so glad that I did.  I had one on my afternoon tea break, and another after dinner, so I feel like I have a dessert.

Bath string treat   

Last night I was pretty tired so I basically just watched crappy TV after eating my dinner.  I made myself a cup of tea using about 1/8 teaspoon of tea leaves from the bag and a little sugar and milk.  It actually tasted a little like tea and made me feel quite happy.  The nice thing I did for myself to feel better was paint my nails.  Tonight I plan on having a bath.

Today was harder.  After a full day at work on rations combined with being not so well I have a headache, am light headed, freezing and very tired.  Aside from that, I am craving... anything!  Mostly carbs that are not rice.  When I took Etta's lunch box out of her school bag I had to stop myself from eating her leftover crackers.  Partly autopilot of 'don't waste food!' and partly desperation.  Just for something outside of the monotony of this diet.  And it's only been two days!

It's tough.  It is hard for me to imagine this being someone's diet all the time.  No fresh vegetables.  I swear, when this challenge is over I am going to appreciate them so much more.  As a former vegetarian, my diet is still quite high in vegetables, but I tend to cram them all in in my last meal.  Right now I just want a whole raw carrot so bad.  Something fresh and crunchy and not oily or salty or ricey.

Someone asked if I was going to weigh myself before and after.  I wasn't but figured - yeah, why not.  I weighed myself a day in as didn't have time yesterday, but figure it's still a good measure.  I'll let you know if there's any difference at the end of the challenge.

Doing this challenge is a very good reminder of how easy my life is compared to some.  I think we all need a serious reminder like this every now and again to help us appreciate what we have.  And to better understand those who do not have things so easy.  Doing this challenge reminds me why I am doing this challenge and helps me have more empathy for those I am doing it for.

There is still time to donate if you would like to - just click the link here.

* Besides charcoal.  PSA - don't OD kids!  Charcoal tastes really bad!  So bad, I had to take mine via a naso-gastro tube.  Better living everyone.

Preparing for the Ration Challenge (5)

So on Saturday I met my Ration Challenge team-mate Sonali.  It was so awesome that she made the effort to come all the way to out West from her place over on the Shore.  And it was so lovely to meet someone else doing the challenge too.  The thing that is so cool about doing this is the connections you can form with others.  I imagine this would be a hugely important aspect of life in a refugee camp.  Friends are important, especially when times are tough.

      Me and Sonali at our place.

It's only two sleeps to go until I start The Ration Challenge and reality is setting in.  I have started my food prep and am feeling pretty good about things.  Thanks to our amazing and generous sponsors, we have collectively earned more rewards than I anticipated we would.  While you start out with just seven different foods for the challenge, between forming a team, donations and the extra challenge set to get salt or pepper*, I know have eleven foods and three seasonings to work with.  Which makes this much more achievable.

So far I've raised over $1000!  This makes me eligible for 2 teabags (or 2 tsp of coffee), which I am giving to my team-mate as she drinks tea every day, so she will miss it more than me.  We have almost raised $2000 together anyway (only $91 to go) so I may get them yet.  If I do, I will likely use one tea bag as fuel in my smoking gun to smoke some salt, cumin and tofu to add some flavor.  And will keep the other in an emergency box for an especially hard day.

And I am organised!  I have decided on what I am choosing as my bonuses** and feel confident I can survive this week.  I have a plan for breakfast/lunch/dinner and snacks that feels like enough food.  Here is my meal plan:

• rice porridge with a little milk, peanut butter and sugar for breakfasts
• a little of dinner left overs, flatbread or rice cakes and hummus for lunch
• kidney bean and tofu 'stew' with rice for dinners
• lentil and carrot soup for dinners
• carrot and tofu rice cakes (if needed as extra for more dinner)
•  thinly sliced carrot, rice crackers, peanuts, cookies and hummus as snacks

My snackbox for work/home: one days allotment of hummus, carrot sticks, rice 'chips', peanuts

 

I know snacks aren't a biggie for everyone, but they are for me.  My blood pressure is low, and if I don't eat or drink regularly and my blood sugar drops I can get pretty dizzy.  Eating a little regularly helps prevent this.  It also helps prevent me from getting too hangry.

This will probably sound a bit crazy but I am already getting a little anxious and hoardy about food supplies.  As I am using ingredients from my 'Ration Challenge Box' I am aware of how the stuff in there is going down.  Even though I know it is being turned into food for the challenge, I still feel nervous about it.  What if I mess up my whole allotment of chickpeas when soaking them?  What if my carrots go bad before the end of the challenge?  What if my husband accidentally eats my hummus?

I grew up poor.  Not super poor, not always hungry - but poor enough that food scarcity was a genuine concern.  I have written about this before in posts on poverty, but I cannot stress enough how this has a lifelong impact.  Even though I live in relative wealth now I still struggle to find balance with food.  I'm either overindulging, or starving myself.  I always feel guilt about food - what I eat, what I waste, what other people don't have.  There are still many foods I struggle to eat because of considering them 'rich people' foods as a child (ice-cream, oranges et al).

Cooking meals in Zataari camp    

I am so glad I can do this small thing to help others living with severe food scarcity.  And I am simultaneously saddened that this lack of basic need affects so many.  I am sad that while I am nervous about living on these rations, for others - they are a lifeline.  I just wish they had more.  For refugees living on rations, things like food contamination is a real concern with serious consequences.  If I am still affected by my comparatively minor childhood poverty***, how are the kids growing up in these camps going to be as adults?  It makes me feel very sad.

There is still time to sponsor me (or someone else) if you want to help out.  Just click on this link - or if the website annoys you text or email me (or comment on this blog) and I'll organise another way you can sponsor me.

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So the recipe I am posting today is for hummus.  My recipe includes some of the 'extras' I've got through sponsorship, but it doesn't need to.  I'm also including here how I prepped the chickpeas from dried.

Hannah's Ration Challenge Hummus

      Yummy yummy chickpeas

Ingredients

85 grams dried chickpeas (full allotment)
2 - 4 Tbsp oil (to preferred consistency)
1 Tbsp peanut butter
salt to taste (maybe 1/4 tsp)
cumin to taste (about 1/2 tsp)
lemon pepper to taste (about 1/4 tsp)

1. Pre-soak the chickpeas.  I did this by washing them then popping them into a small saucepan of salted water (enough to cover plus about 2cm extra water), bringing them to a simmer for a few minutes, then allowing them to cool for four(ish) hours.
2. Soak the chickpeas - I did this by putting them into clean water and leaving them to soak overnight.
3. Cook the chickpeas - I did this in my slow cooker on high for just under 4 hours.  Same deal with amount of water.  They need to have plenty to help them expand, but not too much.
4. Once cool, put in small blender with oil and peanut butter (if you have it) and blitz until smooth.  Add more oil if needed.  Add seasonings to taste.
5. This makes just under a cup of hummus which means you can have about 2 Tbsp of hummus a day.

Of course you can make this without the extras!  The peanut butter replaces the tahini in a traditional hummus and the lemon pepper helps add a little citrus flavour but neither are necessary.  If you have garlic as extra I recommending adding some for flavour but this is delicious without (I can't have garlic as am on a low FODMAPS diet).



* If we privately messaged 10 people we got unlimited salt or pepper which (of course) I did, because salt!  So grateful for salt.

** For self sponsorship me and Sonali both got a spice so both have unlimited lemon pepper and cumin for the challenge.  For the 170g of vegetable after much debate I decided on carrot as I do think the fresh veg and sweet snack aspect of them is important given my snacking needs.  And went with peanuts as my extra 120g of protein as so versatile!  And also easily divided into small serving portions (and make great cookies).  The only thing I am undecided on is whether to go with the extra 25g of sugar, or extra 100mls of milk Sonali and I get for each raising over $350.  I think I will just see how low I am and make a call during the challenge.

*** Reminder: NZ is full of greenery and my parents made the most of it.  We had a garden, Dad went fishing and hunting, I understand foraging.  We always had something to eat.  The Zataari Camp is homed in the dessert.  They do not have the luxury we have here of side of the road watercress, puha, dandelions, nasturtiums and kale.  If you have the knowledge - living in NZ there is food to be found.  This is not the case for the Syrian refugees in Jordan.  They are massively deprived of fresh vegetables.  I imagine the long term health affects of living on these rations are not small.

On Sally Anderson's Kauae

Fresh page.

I have started and restarted writing this post so many times.  This is the first post I've ever done by request.  It is belated and post discussion now, but I do not care.  It took me a while to fully unravel my feelings about it not just because of the subject matter, but also because it was hard amongst all the many voices of strong opinions and varying takes on history and personal narratives to feel my voice worthy enough.

Yep, that is little Hannah.

Because yes, I have Māori heritage.  But I grew up within a  Pākehā framework in a post-colonial New Zealand.  I grew up with understanding of Marae, but distanced from them.  I grew up proud of my where I came from, but discouraged from engaging in that culture*.  I live with white privilege and the knowledge that I have cousins, Aunts and ancestors that never had, nor will ever have this.

 

I feel a little like I'm living in The Matrix - I'm aware of The Matrix, but no matter what I do I cannot escape it.  I have been told my approach to this discussion is post-colonial and this is undeniable.  But most approaches will be, because this is the time we live in.  And for a while this is why I thought I shouldn't write about this.  But I realised my perspective does not negate the many other peoples truths I have read.  There are many possible truths.

 

I am also writing from a place of knowing Inia Williams, the artist who did Sally Anderson's Kauae.  And knowing his perspective on performing tā moko on Pākehā.  I do have some knowledge of the history of tā moko through both a strong personal interest and tertiary arts education where I opted in to learning about te toi a Māori.  I have been offered two tattooing apprenticeships in my life, and one of those offers came from Inia**.

Sally Anderson with her kauae

 

So if you don't already know - Inia's position is basically that Pākehā have been given tā moko by Māori since first contact.  These is plenty of evidence to back this theory***.  It was used as a way of integrating those early Pākehā settlers who wanted to join iwi.  Sometimes, it was used as a way of identifying them as 'property' of specific iwi.  I am certain there were other reasons too.  So knowing this, at first glance at this I thought sure - Sally's husband is Māori, this is their way of integrating her into his whanau and culture.

Me with my tā moko                 

As someone with white skin who has tā moko designed by Inia, I can relate.  Especially given that this was designed for my Pākehā Grandmother.  At the time, I never even questioned this.  My Grandmother had asked me to help her get her first tattoo for her 70th birthday.  Inia was the best tattooist I knew, but he only did traditional tattoos.  The design itself uses general design motifs used in tā moko and whakairo.  The concepts conveyed are basics in te ao Maori: that of whanaungatanga, whakapapa and universal connection (through Io).  My Grandmother is not Māori, so many will refer to her tā moko as kirituhi - which is fair****.

It took me a long time to work out why I feel so differently about my Grandmothers tattoo than I do Sally Andersons kauae.  And what it really comes down to is intent.  My Grandmother did not seek out tā moko.  Inia was just the best person I knew to create a tattoo for my Grandmother - and of course, I want the best for my Grandmother.  Sally Anderson specifically asked for a kauae.  She asked artist after artist after artist who turned her down and they will have told her why they turned her down.  She asked until she found someone who would.  And she has subsequently used her kauae as currency in marketing herself as a 'guru'.

In choosing to get a kauae, against much advice, Sally Anderson utterly and actively disregarded how her choice would  impact on Māori women.

I have read articles by Māori women saying that moko kauae is the right of every Māori woman.  I have also read articles by Māori women saying that in order to be worthy of moko kauae you must be of a certain age and also meet a list of specific criteria.  I read that Inia's decision to give the kauae came from a place of misogyny (Sally as her husbands property).  I read Moana Maniapoto's take on this debate.  And while all of these pieces came from different places - the key feeling there was the same - moko kauae is for Māori women.

Why this has felt like a punch in the gut for many Māori is that it is the perfect illustration of white colonisation - the continued taking of something that does not belong to you for selfish means. 

And the reason this still hurts is that things are still unequal between Pākehā and Māori.  Massively.  The median net worth of Pākehā in New Zealand is almost 5 times that of Māori.  I read a fantastic article yesterday which summarises this so well that if you do not see or understand this imbalance I strongly recommend you read it.  It's completely understandable why Māori feel this is yet another massive transgression - so much has already been taken from them.

John Rutherford, the 'tattooed Englishman'

Those early times Inia is referencing were very different to now.  These times were pre-Treaty, and pre Treaty breaches.  These times were before the unnecessary take down of Parihaka.  They were before the use of Māori medicine was outlawed, before the renewed land grab of the 1950's and 60's.  Basically, this happened before Māori saw Pākehā take and take and take.

It took me a while to come to this realisation because, like many of us with Pākehā heritage I understand the attachment to Māori culture.  Many of us are descended from settlers that have been here so long we have no direct affiliation with other countries.  This is our home, and for some of us Māori culture is a large part of that identity.  Of course, Pākehā have their own culture, but as a relatively recently colonised nation it has taken many of us a long time to understand exactly what that is, and how we fit into it.

I personally wish that moko kauae could be for those Pākehā who, like those early settlers have integrated into iwi and worked with and for Māori communities.  As the most tattooed nation where one in three of us wear permanent ink, this feels to me like a natural progression.

 

But I know this is a fanciful wish.  Because we live in this post-colonial New Zealand with so much history of loss.  And the thing is that all the Pākehā women I know working within Māori communities understand this.  This is why we do not see them asking for, or wearing moko kauae.  This is why we do not see them asking for what Sally Anderson asked for.

I am grateful for Inia's decision because it has created a platform for these discussions.  In truth, he can be a bit of a shit stirrer - his work has always gone against the grain of many other traditional tā moko artists.  I understand why he felt it was racist not to perform her request.  But I also understand why he is perceived as racist to have chosen to do it.  We, especially those of us who sit betwixt two (or more) cultures walk the tightrope of racism on a daily basis.  It is not easy to keep your balance. 

However, I am shocked that someone who considers herself a healer and who believes she sits outside of 'white' culture, could think this was a good idea.  In doing so, she exemplifies an ideology associated with colonisation - that of taking without consideration.

For most of us, moko kauae is associated with status; mana.  Taking the kauae for herself feels like an attempt to bestow this mana upon herself.  While I very much understand her need to self heal past hurts through tattoo***** I do not understand why she had to do this through moko kauae.  Either this act was consciously designed to enliven debate, or it was an active choice in ignorance.

Nanaia Mahuta - a strong Māori woman that I respect

 

Either way, I hope she, and all of us, learn something from what has happened.  I am grateful for the voices of wahine toa I have heard subsequently.  I am grateful that they are not silent.  And I am glad I have opted out of silence.  I am scared of the response to this post more-so than anything else I've ever written.  I am scared of being called a racist.  But I am hopeful that I will live to see a New Zealand less ignorant and more equal than it is now.  And I know we have to have walk these awkward tightropes to get there.

Because I still have fanciful wishes

 * When I was younger. This did a complete 180 when I got to Unitec which totally embraced me as Māori.  Our amazing Tohunga-a-Toi Tim Worrall encouraged us to learn, if we so chose, more about toi Māori beyond the curriculum and supported all of us who were wanted to do this.  It was the most welcome and comfortable I have ever felt being Māori and I am forever grateful to him for this.  I even got to lead the waiata on our noho Marae in Kawhia and it felt amazing.  It felt like the acceptance I never had growing up in a predominantly white area where the local Marae were (understandably) not very accepting of Pākehā, where I was actively discouraged by my Māori peers and local elders not to participate in kapahaka outside of school.

** I felt a lot of guilt in turning his offer down because I felt so privileged to be asked.  And I know this will sound strange, but while I love designing tattoos and I love having them, I do not feel I could indent them into someone else's skin.  I do not have that confidence.  I second guess myself too much.  It took me a long time to turn down his offer because I didn't know how to, but it was the right thing to do.

*** Read Pakeha Maori by Trevor Bentley for more information and references.

**** Although I do find it strange that this same family tattoo becomes tā moko when on me.  But I guess this is about contextualisation - like how we view something differently on someone's living room wall to in a gallery.

***** After drinking a bottle of wine and crying in the bath one night circa 2002, I decided I needed to cover up one of my biggest scars so designed myself a tattoo.  While I still think it was a pretty awesome tattoo, I have never gotten it and have no regrets because many years down the track that scar is much smaller, and tattoo's on ones pubis mons are not really my thing.

Preparing for the Ration Challenge (4)

So, the actual challenge has kind of snuck up on me.

It starts in little over a week's time.

And while I am happy with how my fundraising is going - like, really, really amazed and so grateful to all my super generous sponsors, the reality of the challenge is starting to set in.

I am prepared.  I mean, I have an anxiety disorder, so I am SUPER prepared in terms of meal planning.  But I don't know how prepared I am for the reality of living on such a limited diet. 

And when I signed up for this it was so far in the future I said 'yes' to commitments that I hadn't even realised were during the period of the challenge.  Part of the reason I thought I could do this was that I could pare things back and just try and have an easy(er) week than, say, someone working full time.  What I have since realised is that I am actually working a 31 hour week that week and being parent help on Etta's first school trip.  And like many Mama's of small children, I still cannot recall the last time I managed to sleep more than four consecutive hours (Abby has only slept through the night once ever, I kid you not).  So lordy!  I have not made things easy for myself.

And the truth is, food and wine are my two biggest ways of self-soothing.  Right now, I'm high on cheesy GF pasta, some potato chips, two glasses of wine and a fruity herbal tea.  This is what I do to get through - I live for flavour.  In truth, I am unsure how I will get through without?  I think this is a big part of why this challenge appealed to me.  Yes, I absolutely am in it for helping those whose lives are so much harder than mine.  Who do not deserve to be where they are - who deserve so much better.  But like most humans, there is vested interest in doing what I do.  This challenge is in aid of Syrian refugees, but it is also in aid of myself: maybe I will show myself I can survive without all this food self soothing.

This is why there are few photos of me lately
It feels awkward being bigger.

Because the truth of my life right now is that I've been diagnosed with a medical condition that means I put on weight.*  Consequently, I am now the heaviest I've ever been.  I know, it sounds like I'm just overeating, but I am not eating hugely different to how I used to.  And these days when I do diet, it makes literally zero difference anyway (lord, I have tried!) so I'd rather live the tasty life.  I am unused to being much bigger than I've always been.  I've always swung about 5 kg around a certain midpoint.  But I have a strong family history of heart issues - my Grandfather died when he was just in his 50's and my Dad has already had two stents put in after multiple heart attacks.  I've been told by a Dr that getting much fatter is not really a healthy option for me.  And I want to be here for my kids as long as I can be.  So I agree that getting fatter is not an option for me.

But that's enough of that heavy stuff.  I think in order to get through it's important to focus on the positives.  And today's post is mostly for me to refer back to on the days that I have rice brain, and I'm stressed, and I am crying**.  So that I have a plan for those hard days.  So I can make it through the week.  Because all my generous donors are counting on me.  And I am counting on me.

And because aside from raising money, this is the whole point.  To put myself in one small way, in a Syrian refugees shoes.  This list of reminders contains many self care options that refugees will not have available to them.  I feel so thankful that I do.

Hannah's List of Challenge Tips

I got a super fancy Ration Challenge bottle!

1) Remember, it's only one week!  This period is finite.  Just like when you were in labour with Abby and you knew it would come to an end at some point in time, so you had to just focus on getting through as quick and as clean as you could.  The folk the the Zataari camp do not have an endpoint.  Suck it up Hannah!

2) Drink more water!  If you are feeling dizzy, drink some water, or eat a sliver of carrot to get through.  Drink from that fancy bottle you got.  Remember your sponsors who got you that fancy bottle.

3) The amount of food available is enough to sustain you, it is just your regular lifestyle tricking you into thinking it can't.  There is no reason for you to pass out - at any point.  If you are feeling low you do have little sugar boosting snacks on hand.  You can do this.  One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time - you will get through.

Nettie is just so FLUFFY!!  

4) Cuddle Nettie and Roux.  Your cats are awesome and will appreciate the cuddles.  And if they are not feeling like cuddling, buy that dog pillow from work.  It's inanimate, feels like a dog and you can cuddle it indefinitely.

5) Take a bath.  Water therapy works for you.  Past Hannah has (pick up some bath bombs when you're at work on Sunday past Hannah) bought a couple of nice bath things for the days you need baths to make this feel more special.

6) Ask Murray for help if you can think of anything he can do to help.  He is awesome.  He will help you.  Do not ask Murray to share his chips though.  That is cheating.

7) Ask anyone else for help.  Make sure work understands why you may be less competent than usual.  Check in with your usual kid helpers if they can help any extra over this crazy week.  Do what you can to get some support if/when you need it.  Maybe even call a friend (?) to hang out if you randomly feel like socialising will distract you.  Ask.  For.  Help.

8) Do not forget that you actually have cookies and peanut butter.  Yes, they are limited.  But they are still cookies and peanut butter.  You are luckier than most.  Remember there is an extra cookie for a really bad day.  Maybe today is that day?  Think about it - will tomorrow be harder?

Best movie for putting life into perspective

9) Watch Atanarjuat; The Fast Runner.  If you feel like shit just remember that you are not a naked Innuit dude running indefinitely in below zero temperatures with your balls shrunk up into your stomach due to some curse a rando put on your family.  Remember what this movie has done for you in the past - it has got you through.  It can get you through again.  If you have too much rice brain to handle a three hour subtitled movie just watch Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt - it's shorter and funnier and will remind you you have never been a mole woman even though you have definitely been a person trapped in 80's and 90's soundtracks.  Kimmy will help get you through.

10) Message Sonali and check in with her - if she is busy, post on the Ration Challenge Facebook page to check in with the other participants.  Remember - you are not alone in this.  Others will be struggling too.  Check in with them.  Rant away.  Get strength from others in the same boat.11) Get our of the house.  If the kids/house/pets are making you crazier than normal cos you don't have your usual food crutches just GET OUT.  Go look at some birds.  Go to the park.  Take your Ration Challenge drink bottle.

12) Read the messages from your amazing donors.  They believe in you.  You can believe in you too.



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Recipes!  Yes, as always, there are recipes.

I am so thankful to have enough donations to have earned an extra protein!  While I strongly considered eggs for a while (120 grams of protein is about 2 small eggs) I decided that peanuts are not only more flavoursome, but also easier to spread out over a period of time.  And I realised that if I make peanut butter from some of those peanuts, not only do I get a fucking delicious spread, but I can use it in making my hummus to give it better depth of flavour.  I have previously often used peanut butter rather than tahini when making hummus just because of the price differential, so I know it tastes good.

This recipe uses most of my 120 grams of peanuts, but it leaves enough that I have a few left for teeny snack boosts over the week.

        

Peanut Butter

Yummy peanut butter!           

1/2 cup of peanuts (shelled)
pinch salt (if you have it)
2 - 3 tsp vegetable oil
1/4 - 1/2 tsp sugar

1) Roast the peanuts by placing on a baking tray in an oven at 180 degrees celcius.  Check after 8 - 10 minutes and turn.  Cook until smells delcious and peanuts are slightly golden.  Yum!  Cool.
2) Pulse in food processor until chopped.  I do not have a small enough food processor for this quantity so I used my magical little Tupperware hand wizz thingee which I usually use to make hummus.  
3) Add oil and salt/sugar (if you have it) to taste.  Wizz until it starts to become a creamy, buttery texture.

This makes about 1/3 of a cup of peanut butter which equates to being able to have 2 teaspoons of peanut butter a day.  And it is delicious!  It has the Abby-licks-it-off-a-spoon seal of approval.  I will likely use some of that to add protein to, and flavour my breakfast.  I also plan on using some to make the following recipe...

My teeny yield of precious peanut butter cookies

Peanut Butter Biscuits

So the real truth about my other biscuit recipe is that it was awful.  Was it edible?  Yes.  But did I enjoy eating the biscuits?  Not really...

As soon as I realised I could make peanut butter, I realised I could make a better biscuit.  I also realised I should just use white sugar.  In terms of dietary health stuff I will not be having enough of it for it to negatively impact on my tummy health, so I don't need to deviate from the standard challenge options on this item.

So anyway, here is my new recipe:

2 Tbsp white sugar
1 1/2 Tbsp vegetable oil
1 Tbsp peanut butter (from previous recipe)
2 tsp milk
1/4 cup of gluten free flour
1 Tbsp chopped peanuts. (optional)

1) Preheat oven to 180 degrees celcius.
2) Mix sugar, oil and peanut butter in a small bowl.  Add milk and flour.  Mix.  Add peanuts.  
3) Use a teaspoon to shape into small balls and flatten with a fork.
4) Cook for about 9 minutes until just starting to brown

Makes about 7 - 9 small cookies.  Enough to make you feel like you get to eat cookies on this challenge.

And these too get the Abby seal of approval.  And mine.  These are delicious and a serious improvement on the caramel biscuit recipe I posted earlier.  I am so grateful to those generous donors who got me some nuts and enabled this cookiness to happen.  Truly grateful.

One very happy Abby

* Adenomyosis means my body produces more oestrogen than usual.  And fat cells love to stick to oestrogen (or something like that, this is how I remember my specialist putting it anyhow), so it's like one of those graphs where things start to curve up.  First, you get a little fat, and then the more fat you get the more fat you get.  There's not much in the way of treatment for it other than what I'm already doing, but often it goes away when you hit menopause.  So I have my fingers crossed that comes sooner rather than later.

* The raised oestrogen levels mean I'm also a crazy hormonal bitch most of the time and this makes me feel like I needs my wine and treats so I feel I'm gonna be one crying, angry bitch for most of this challenge.  Sure, I hope to come to a zen-like state, but I'm realistic about my situation.