On Working Out How To Parent Etta Part 3

So then we were back to where we had kinda started - with Indigo to have Etta assessed for giftedness.

This was a two part assessment - the first part where Etta was assessed, and the second part going over her assessment results and what they meant. 

To be able to take Etta I had to arrange childcare for Abby - which meant (because of available time frames) we had to explain to someone outside of our immediate family why we were doing this.  While this made me nervous - because I wasn't totally sure it was necessary - it went ok.  Murray's parents had kids that were different too, so his Mum genuinely understood why we wanted the assessment and thought it was logical to want to do it before she started school.

We arrived extremely early because we weren't sure of traffic (we don't commonly head to Glenfield during peak) - then had a very long wait until our appointment with usual specialists-running-over-schedule issues.  Not the best way to start an hour long assessment!  But Etta enjoyed the one-on-one time with me drawing pictures and reading books.  And the psychologist was great so consequently Etta mostly enjoyed the assessment.

Questions were on flash cards, and looked a little like this

It was basically an IQ test for little people which looked at memory, language skills and spacial understanding.  And whilst carrying out the assessment the psychologist was looking at indicators of other issues - motor skills, verbalisation, empathy et al.  Etta enjoyed the areas of the test she was good at - but got very frustrated attempting the things she struggled with, even refusing to participate in certain activities.

I didn't really need the follow up to get the gist of the results*.  Whilst Etta is extremely bright in some areas - memory and language, some of her other skill sets are below average.  The gap in skill levels causes her frustration when engaging in new or difficult activities, so she prefers to do things she is good at.  So when she feels forced to attempt activities that are harder for her, she melts down.

Whilst this gap in abilities is very normal for gifted kids, the thing which makes things more difficult for Etta are her sensory issues.  She struggles most with fine motor skills and spacial awareness - which is unsurprising given that she doesn't like engaging with certain physical sensations.  Not wanting to self feed, dress herself or - for a long time - walk**, also meant that she missed out on a lot of practice time that other children have with learning the basics in motor skills.  And because - like most people - she seeks praise, she wanted to focus on doing the things she did well.

The recommendations for Etta were very simple: look into seeing an OT to help her manage her sensory issues, and provide learning support so she could direct her frustrations into positive projects to feed her mind and keep her focused.

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I am not proud to say it, but we have not yet sent Etta to an OT.  I have ummed and ahhed about it, and we still might.  One reason I haven't is that we discussed our concerns/ test results with the head teacher at Etta's Kindy.  This is a woman I like and trust who has over 20 years experience working in Kindergartens with many, many children.  She was very certain it was not necessary for Etta to see an OT.  That it wouldn't cause any harm, but just wasn't necessary  The other reason I haven't is that Etta has made progress.***  Which, I think, is in a part, to do with Kindy.

Being outside her comfort zone with starting Kindy pushed Etta to try things she previously wouldn't do.  And whilst it was a tricky adjustment for her initially, the child we see now is very different to the child we saw a year ago.  This is partly due to age, but a big part of this (I think) is due to feeling confident and secure in a learning environment with peers.

One of the things I really liked about the book I read on gifted children is that it didn't prescribe ways of managing gifted kids.  In terms of education the thinking was basically that different kids need different things - Montessori and extension programs will not work for all bright kids - some kids excel in a regular learning environment, surrounded by lots of kids.  Because in numbers there will be other kids that are different.  So you are not alone in your difference, because there are many kids who are different in many ways.  Etta is very secure at her Kindy****, and consequently at this stage we feel confident that sending us to her local school, alongside her peers, is the best move for her going forward.

The other thing that felt a little like kismet, is that the parenting approach recommended for gifted kids is that of 'the good enough parent' - the very premise of the Secure Beginnings parenting course.  I felt like I had literally come full circle.

Learning about Etta's sensory issues helped me feel justified in my frustration about the recommended course of action in managing Etta's tantrums at that time.  She didn't need me to hug her - but she did need me to be there.  In practicing 'being there' for her with an awareness of what that meant, it helped her to feel more secure.  Over time, this has meant that she feels so safe with us as parents that sometimes when she's going to tantrum she will allow us to hug her and it does actually help her calm down.  So this course has proven extremely valuable to us.

The other thing that has been helpful generally is my awareness of how it feels to be anxious.  It breaks my heart seeing my child live with something that, for me, has influenced every aspect of my life.  It breaks my heart, but I am grateful that I can use my experience to, hopefully, make her path a little easier than mine.  It means we can have very honest conversations about our feelings, which in turn makes it easier to find ways to help manage them - on both sides of the conversation.  And it means that Etta has been 'calm breathing' since she was two - which definitely can't hurt!

A few weeks ago Etta desperately needed some 'Mama time', so I organised for Murray's parents to take Abby for a few hours so we could have some time together.  Because she loved playing mini golf in Rarotonga we decided to go to the mini-golf place in New Lynn for a special outing.  This was a bad call on my part.  The moving and talking characters terrified her.  We were the only people there, so the operator offered to turn them all off.  It took me a while to calm her down, but I persevered.  I wanted to give her the opportunity to calm down and experience something I knew she would enjoy.  We managed to play about five holes and she was quite happy.  Then she saw a troll and it was all over.  I carried her screaming and hitting out of the mini-golf course.

This was difficult.  Not just because I felt I'd blown $22 on nothing, but because I felt bad for misjudging things.  And for blowing the little bit of time we had to spend together that was supposed to be fun.  And truthfully, I felt a little irritated by her behavior.  But I understood it.  Whilst I could have gotten upset about it I redirected our plans to include things that were nice and comfortable for Etta.  We played at the playground.  We went to the library.  (We went to McDonalds...)

And we talked about our feelings.  I talked about how I was sorry I had got things wrong, and about how it is hard for me to judge if we need to leave, or if she just needs some time to adjust to a new thing.  She talked about the scary troll and how it was scary.  But she also told me that she really would like to go back there when she was bigger.  When she was seven she would be big enough, she said.

These experiences are where the growth lies - these awkward truthful conversations.  These moments of being kicked and punched in public and just sitting with it.  In order for Etta to grow and feel confident in negotiating the world, these moments will happen.  But how we manage them, and how we view them, is what makes the real difference.

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Today Etta used the hand-dryer voluntarily in the bathrooms at Kelly Tarltons.  I was not there, this was with Murray and Abby (I have been home ill).  Etta has been terrified of hand dryers since birth.  But today, she decided to confront her fear.  When they came home from Kelly Tarltons it was the first thing she told me - she had the hugest smile on her face.  I am so proud of her.

We are making progress.



* I did go to the results assessment part, but that was just an expansion of things that were already apparent from her initial assessment comboed with what I already knew about gifted kids - so I don't think it needs writing about.

** Etta started walking properly when we went to Rarotonga.  We are fairly certain that she decided to do this because she didn't like the sensation of the grass and dirt on her knees, but it was ok on her feet (wearing shoes).  Etta regularly walked a few steps - religiously - on the big parachute mat at Wriggle and Rhyme.  In short, we are fairly certain Etta didn't walk for so long because she didn't like the sensation of walking, so only walked when it felt sensually better than other alternatives.

*** The other reason is that I get very anxious about making phone calls.  Honestly.  I never know what to say when starting a conversation about something that seems a little flimsy as a premise.  And I feel guilty cos a lovely friend recommended we see someone she knew, and she told them we were seeing her, and then I got busy and then I had that Kindy conversation and then I got anxious, and then I forgot.  And by the time I remembered again I felt like that window had closed.  I am not proud, but this is the truth.

**** I just want to point out that I love Etta's Kindy.  I feel like its values line up fairly well with ours, and the culture around accepting different cultures and ideas matches that at home.  Because we live in an area that is culturally diverse, this is reflected in the local Kindy and school, which means Etta is already not alone in her differences.  Consequently she has friends which in itself helps her feel included and part of her community.  Which, speaking from experience as someone who was also a 'different' kid, is a really important thing to feel.

Also, she would never have attempted this climb (pictured) before Kindy.  Truly, she has literally grown leaps and bounds there.

On Working Out How To Parent Etta Part 2

And apparently smarts often go hand in hand with other things.  Smart kids will always try to push the boundaries.  Because they're smart they are naturally curious so will question everything.  Often kids that have a lot of skills in one area will struggle with another, and because of anxiety around failing focus on what they're good at.  This will be why some smart kids avoid social situations, or physical activities.  Gifted kids are often developmentally imbalanced.  At the extreme you have kids who are 'twice gifted' - kids who are smart, but have other issues, like ASD or dyspraxia.

After reading all this I felt like a massive weight had been lifted from my shoulders.  Maybe I wasn't just a terrible parent?  Regardless, Etta still needed support.

Einstein didn't talk until he was four.

At this point in time Etta was not quite four.  I know it sounds like I'm being a crazy, overprotective Mum, but hey, I'm anxious and truthfully, her behavior was out there.  Her tantrums dictated whether we could even leave the house.  She once went into a spin about leaving the park and ran out onto the road (I had to leave Abby with a stranger and run)*.  And she wasn't being naughty - she was literally terrified and overwrought by emotions.  Any attempts at direct intervention was wood on the flames so having other people 'attempt' to help only made her tantrums last longer.  With another small child in the house, this was just not a feasible (or fun) way to live long term.

And it was frustrating.  Because not only was it eating into the family's time, but into hers.  This prevented her from being able to do lots of the regular things that kids her age do: zoo trips, visits to friends, actually just playing with her toys.  I could see her childhood slipping away in terrifying tantrums that sapped her energy and stopped her from engaging with the world.

And in just over a year Etta would be starting school.  If she did have additional needs it would be in everyone's best interests - hers especially - if we could get an understanding of these before she started school.  Because big picture - her needs might indicate to us that we need to enrol her in a different school than initially planned.

Murray was keen on taking her to the GP and going from there.  With my vast personal experience with GP's and what our public health system is capable of, I thought this would put us into an unproductive loop.  Like most things, unless someone's behaviors are problematic on a larger scale, they are just written off as 'normal' at this level, and especially at this age.

So I did my own research.  The first place I called was Marinoto - which is the children's mental health unit at Waitakere Hospital.  Having dealt with the hospital for my own health, and being in my locale, I thought it a good start.  Unfortunately, they were unable to help in terms of assessments but at least were very clear about this from the outset.  So then I looked into help through private specialists in the area of gifted children.

While I felt I was jumping the gun in terms of diagnosing her, I didn't feel much like I had a choice.  Her behaviors and attitudes exactly matched those in the book I had just read.  But did I think she was a genuis?  No.  She did start talking very early - around 8 months.  She had a developed sense of humour before she was 18 months old.  And she memorised most of her books and would read them back to us before she was two.  So we did know she was smart.  But genius?

The common theme with info on gifted kids seems to be really boring images

I read up on the net and found Indigo.  Their tagline is 'Assessment and counseling for individuals who connect with the world differently'.  This statement in itself made me feel confident I was headed in the right direction.  Now as someone with social anxiety, making phone calls is not really my strong point.  So after a garbled conversation with the receptionist about crazy behaviors and road safety she told me someone would call me back.  She wasn't sure if they were going to be able to help us either.

Someone did call back though.

They also were not sure if they could be of help.  But they did tell me about someone who might be.  Links is a two bit organisation** that helps link families of kids with behavioral issues with the right support.  It sounded like exactly what we needed.

Now you have to understand that we did all of this outside of public health - this meant it was not exactly cheap.  But Etta needed help (our family needed help), and I didn't know how else to provide it, so as far as I was concerned this was necessary.  I am just saying this to precursor folks going 'OMG!  I need this too!' then finding them and getting freaked about the cost.  It is a little expensive.  But at this point we believed it to be a necessary expense.

So we booked a time.  This was a big deal as they needed to meet both me and Murray to accurately assess us, our home and Etta, so Murray took time off work.  It was a two part operation with one (the child psychologist) spending about an hour with Etta, while the other one interviewed Murray and I about Etta, our relationships, and our main concerns.  This tag-team approach meant they had a fuller picture of what exactly was needed (and seeing kids away from their parents makes it easier to assess the kids).

Truthfully, I did not like the woman who did our side of the assessment.  She seemed to have some kind of God complex and was totally self involved.  But she was apt.  And she was honest.  And while I didn't like her personally, I did think that she did a good job.  Both her and her partner (who was lovely) concurred that Etta was most likely gifted.  They also did not think she had ASD but picked up that she did have sensory issues.

I did not know what sensory issues actually meant.
I did see that Etta had issues with sounds, light and textures - but because society so strongly links this to ASD I hadn't got past that roadblock.  Sensory issues occur when the brain has trouble processing the information it receives from the senses.  Etta's tantrums were her way of managing her brain overloading on information.  This is why any verbal or physical attempt to stop them exacerbated things.  Conversely, this is why her comfort thing was her snuggly.  When feeling scared she could self calm by twisting the wool between her fingers.  She had already learned (without help) how to reassure herself with positive sensation.

If the ugly book was the first lightbulb moment, this was the second.  Etta needed some skills and some compassion, in negotiating her way around what was for her often a very scary world.

Etta bracing herself for more facepaint..
She loves the idea of it, but hates getting it put on.

to be continued (only one more installment I promise - it's just looooong!)

* This was exactly the point at which I decided I needed some help...

**  They don't have a website yet, nor do they know how to professionally format assessments in ways regular people will read them.  But they were very helpful - message me if you need a phone number or email address.

On Working Out How To Parent Etta Part 1

Etta has always been a bit different.

The difference was not something I could easily put a finger on but a collection of things that just seemed a little off.   If you said any of the things in isolation to another parent or a Dr or Kindy teacher they'd just say 'well, that's normal - some children do that'. 

But there were just so many small things.

 Etta patting Casper at a party

She would tantrum for up to an hour.  During tantrums she was lost: throwing things, screaming, breaking stuff - including things she loved and injuring herself, usually by accident.  The best way to calm her down was to stay with her but not talk or touch - these seemed to exacerbate things.  And this started when she was 11 months old.  She couldn't sleep when her room was untidy.  She had a strong need for routine and created and extended her own making every day events (like bedtime) take increasingly longer periods of time.  She had issues with light/noise/smells and new foods.  When we tried starting her on finger foods she flat our refused, so ate purees well past the ages of the children of our friends.  She didn't start walking until she was almost two years old.

And once I had another child those differences became more apparent.

I have never wanted anything but the best for my kids and knowing how little experience I have in the area of childcare I thought it was highly possible it was just me and my anxiety.  Maybe I was overthinking things.  Maybe she was completely normal.  Maybe I just wasn't getting this parenting thing right.  It was also very likely that Etta was - like me - anxious.  I was very anxious when pregnant with her and anxious pregnancies make for anxious kids.  So I was totally happy to do an intensive parenting course.

The Circle Of Security was recommended to me by my maternity mental health facilitator.  She thought it was a good fit for my style of parenting and our values and she was right on the money.  Over 20 weeks I watched myself, and other parents, on film interacting with our kids.  We did this to  decode the language that our relationships with our children was built upon.  This was not an easy emotional journey - but it was absolutely worthwhile and I highly recommend the course and the ideal of trying to be a 'good enough' parent rather than a perfect one.

However, because of the time frame and simple base of this course (and the fact it was trying to help us retrain our brains so had to be simple) it didn't allow for variances.  And whilst much I learned was very helpful I was left feeling I was still missing something.  And I was frustrated.

The course also didn't take into account other relationships - between us as mothers with other children, or between our child with other adults.  Whilst I understand this was due to a focus on bettering ourselves, it also implicated that we were ultimately responsible for our children, and relegated their fathers/other caregivers to a backseat.  This felt unfair to them, and also heaped more responsibility on us as primary caregivers.  I also felt this was unfeasible with other parental obligations.  On the course they said a child feels heard if they are responded to something like 30% of the time.  But what if there are more than one?  How is a mother of five supposed to easily manage the emotional health of all of her children equally whilst also managing a busy household and her own needs?  How is she supposed to do this alone?

A part of the course taught us that children are like cups that need to be kept full.  We fill their cups by 'being with' them.  Which means providing enough quality time, listening and engaging, to keep them feeling secure.  And whilst this approach works with Abby no problem, when applied to Etta it seemed to make her cup grow bigger, her expectations of 'Mummy time' higher and my capacity to meet her needs just never enough.  And when I raised this with the facilitators I was never given any adequate response as to why this would be.

This led me to wonder if we were missing something more big picture.  With Murray* and his brother having dyspraxia, and a history of ASD through my family I wondered about whether this was the issue.  But it just didn't quite fit.  Whilst Etta has struggled with elements of socialising, her understanding of empathy and kindness made this seem unlikely.

Something was off, but I wasn't sure what it was.

On a sit down review of the course three months on with one of the facilitators I brought this up.  She reassured me Etta was a perfectly normal kid - if anything was off it would have been picked up during their interactions with her.  They were two qualified children's psychologists and both very certain Etta was just a regular kid who just needed more connection with me.

I found this hard, because whilst I accept that I struggle with staying connected with people due to aspects of my childhood (like everyone else on the course) I do remember being a kid.  I can remember the things that were important to me.  I can remember the feelings of being not heard**, of feeling less than and, as a parent, I try to incorporate this into how I talk to our kids.  I felt that I was already doing so much split between two kids, managing my mental health, a partner and work, that doing any more was just not feasible.  I felt like mothering Etta was a Herculean task that I would never quite manage.  I felt like a failure.

Then randomly I found a book.

We were at the library on one of our regular excursions, and as usual it was nigh on impossible to leave the kids section without a double kiddy meltdown.  I had run out of books to read at home, and as reading was part of my usual sleep routine I was desperate.  Luckily, the parenting section is next to the childrens section at our library, so after a quick peruse I picked up a book with a hideous cover and a wordy title:  The Challenges of Gifted Children: Empowering Parents to Maximize their Child's Potential by Barbara Klein.  I was desperate.

That ugly book was the first thing that made any kind of sense to me regarding Etta.  All the behaviours she was exhibiting were there on the pages in front of me in black and white.  Suddenly so many pieces clicked into place.

Murray and I were both bright kids.  In the PATs (like America's SATs) at primary school I always scored in the top 98th or 99th percentile across the board and was extended (especially in language) as far as they thought socially allowable (I was held back a little).  And Murray had been put into a special class with other bright kids where they could learn whatever interested them.  We both sat some School Cert subjects early (math and science) and both got UE in sixth form.  And guess what?  Intelligence is hereditary.

to be continued...

* Murray will want it stated for the record that he wasn't officially diagnosed with this growing up, but his mother and A&E record testify differently.

** Just need to point out these are not digs at my parents.  My parents were generally actually pretty good with this stuff.  This is a dig with society generally not taking kids seriously.  That old adage 'children should be seen and not heard' - total uncompassionate hogwash.  Children are little people.  Their ideas, needs and feelings are just as valid (if not moreso) than those of adults.