On Our Strong Reaction to Roast Busters

Every now and then our nation goes totally crazy over a local news article.  In this case, people have  started a petition, managed to get popular radio hosts taken off air, and have even offered a $4000NZD reward for 'footage of the Roast Busters getting hidings'.  I just wanted to talk about why I think there has been such a massive response to the Roast Busters case.  Just in case anyone out there didn't understand.

In terms of numbers men and women are fairly equal in New Zealand - we have 0.99 males per female - which means we have about 2.3 million women living here.  And of those women, about 25% of them will have been sexually assaulted as girls.  That's 575,000 women - almost 13% of all Kiwi's.*  So if we just think about these people, if we forget about everyone else who thinks that having sex with underage drunk girls and bragging about it on the internet is not ok, we're looking at a large percentage of our population for whom this case probably feels quite personal.  That's a lot of people.

I am one of those people.  I am not one of the people who is traumatised by this, but it is probably why I care enough about this case to write this post.  I never reported the date-rape (whilst comatose drunk), or the many sexual assaults as, like many, I thought they were probably my fault.  And because these things happened to other people I knew, I figured it was normal, not something worth reporting and not a big deal.

But it is a big deal, and these days we seem to be (or are supposed to be) more aware of that.  And because we (the people) should be more aware, our police should be too.  The second reason people are upset is because of the handling of this case by police.  Like many other people, I thought our law enforcement teams had evolved past asking a 13 year old rape victim about what she was wearing.  This information is irrelevant and unhelpful victim blaming.  Willie Jackson and John Tamihere's interview with 'Amy' about the Roast Busters actions generated more victim blaming, which sat in stark contrast to their description of the boys actions as 'mischief'.

An estimated 90% of sexual assaults go unreported in New Zealand.  I don't think it's hard to see why when our police** and our elders (two political figures/media personalities) clearly do not take sexual assault seriously.  When you are traumatised and you know you were doing something you probably shouldn't have (drinking underage) when the assault happened, in the current environment you need a very stable sense of self worth to feel you can report it.  And sexual assault is a pretty good tool at eroding a persons feeling of worth.  The Police's treatment of this case has confirmed all our fears around reporting sexual assault.

And the third reason the fecal matter has really hit the fan is because one of the boys at the center of the scandal reportedly had familial links to the police investigating the case.  Another boy has a famous father, and some investigative journalism turned up that Mr Tamihere is friends with another boys father.  So it looks very much to the public as though preferential treatment has been given to these boys because of who they are.

We New Zealanders have a long history in protesting injustice (although the current government has attempted to quash this).  From Parihaka's peaceful 'Year of the Plow', to the Springbok tour of '81, through to the recent Occupation of Aotea Square.  We strongly support the underdog because, really, we are the underdog.  So of course we rail against these boys and their celebrity Dad's treatment (or lack of treatment) regarding this case.  It's just what we do.

*                *                *                *                *                *

So that's why there's such a big fuss being made.  And I agree that a big fuss should be made, but I am concerned that people are missing the big picture here.  Although I understand the villagers/pitchforks/drive-them-out mentality, threatening these boys will not solve any problems.  And as far as I'm concerned they are still boys.  18 is not as young as 13, but these boys were 16 when the specific incident happened.  And 18 is still very young.  At 18 I got myself into credit card debt and did all sorts of other stupid things (blame it all on the pre-frontal cortex).  Don't get me wrong, I'm not excusing their behavior, but instead of destroying these boys, surely it's more important for us to ask why this happened?

Because I personally think (I could be wrong here though?) that our sexual assault statistics paint a pretty screwed up picture.  The Roast Busters case is purely a symptom of a much bigger issue.  The issue that we are failing to acknowledge, and it might be because they are children of celebrities, or because they go to public schools in West Auckland***, is that these boys are doing what MANY other boys are doing - the only difference is that they were stupid enough to brag about it on Facebook.

How do I know that many boys are doing this?  Because 1/4 of our girls are being sexually assaulted.  I don't think it takes a genius to realise that this means a large proportion of our boys/men think that sexual assault is ok.  Sure, you can lie to yourself and say it's probably just a few bad apples doing all of the bad things, and that you know lots of guys, and none of them would ever sexually assault anyone, but I just don't think that's true.

As long as sexual assault goes unreported, and unpunished, we have an issue.  And as long as people think a girl in a short skirt is 'asking for it', we have an issue.  And as long as we think it's ok to disrespect women, we have an issue.  I think the fourth reason this case is hit home is because secretly, deep down, most people know that we are accountable for it.  I never reported what happened to me.  I have no idea how many other girls/women those boys assaulted, or to what degree.  My choice, although understandable, has helped form the environment these boys grew up in.

These boys need to be accountable for their actions, but not via a lynchmob.  No-one can be surprised that a boy whose family friend said, on air, that sexually assaulting a 13 year old was 'mischief', would think this behavior was ok.  As the chair of White Ribbon  said regarding this case, the misogynistic attitudes of these boys are 'endemic' in New Zealand.  This is what we really need to be looking at.  Aspects of our rugby, racing and beer culture are well past their 'best before' date.

We need to teach our daughters differently.  We need to teach them that no matter what happens, no matter what they're wearing, or how intoxicated they are, or if they've already given that boy oral sex, non-consensual sexual contact is not ok.  We need to create a safer environment for these girls to talk about it.  And we need to teach our sons differently.  We need to model respect for all women.  We need to teach them about equality, ESPECIALLY in terms of sexuality (that women and girls have a right to one).  We need to teach them about consent. 

We need to look at our own behaviors before we raise our pitchforks.**** 

* About 1 in 10 boys in NZ will also be sexually assaulted

** in this instance

*** As did I, and I can tell you right now it doesn't necessarily mean you are not a child of means, or of parents who love you, or of low intellect, or a 'trouble maker'

**** Even if the pitchfork is only $12.50 at Mitre 10

On Baby Sleep Part 3: Mum's Sleep

I have always been a very light sleeper.  And I have always had difficulty getting to sleep.  As a very anxious person I sometimes have difficulty shutting down my brain.  And shutting down became nigh on impossible with the advent of being responsible for another human life.

To get to sleep, I (like babies) need to follow a sort of routine (learnt after many years of sleep-drama*).  I need to be comfortably warm (I wear socks to bed).  I need to be in absolute darkness (I wear a sleep mask).  I need things to be pretty much completely quiet.  To help shut down my brain, I read pointless stuff just before bed (at the moment it's Game of Thrones).  If I am still having trouble shutting down my brain, I focus on my breathing, or do some counting exercises.  It usually takes me half an hour to an hour to get to sleep at night.

I cannot sleep in hospital.  I cannot sleep on planes.  I generally struggle to sleep in places other than at home.  And I wake easily.  I usually have to pee once or twice during the night (and no, I'm not diabetic, just have a tiny bladder), and when Murray comes to bed, or gets up for work, or snores it completely wakes me up (we hardly ever sleep in the same bed).  This means I honestly can't remember the last time I've slept for a consecutive period of more than six hours.  It was definitely before I was pregnant.

And now I have a baby I can only vaguely remember the last time I had three hours of consecutive sleep. 

This is also in part because I am an excessively paranoid crazy person regarding SIDS.  This is a silly thing to obsess about.  The rates in NZ are really low compared to when I was a baby.  And it's not like I have any of the factors that increase the chances of Etta having SIDS.  I have never smoked.  I am not obese.  I am not an alcoholic.  I don't co-sleep unsafely or let her sleep on her stomach.  But I can't stop thinking about it.  I still check if Etta is breathing at least once an hour (because if she wasn't breathing I'd have more of a chance of resuscitating her than if it were less frequently.  I've brought this down from half hourly..)  It's insane and not good for either of us.  And now I'm so used to checking her that if I sleep for longer than two hours I usually have a nightmare, wake up, freak out and have to check her.

So with my regular sleep issues and the crazy SIDS stuff combined, I consequently don't sleep very much.

This is not something I get off on.  I am not one of those people who thrives on coffee and energy drinks and three hours sleep and how-much-work-I-can-get-done-at-crazy o'clock. 
'Man, after getting all the housework done I only had about three hours sleep'...
That's not me.  I am someone who actually likes sleeping, would never stay up past 1am to finish an assignment, and if I could do it, I would sleep most of the day.  Pre-baby, I was a bed-by 11-at-the-latest-preferably-10.30 type of person, and a big night out meant I was out until midnight.  Now I have a baby, I'm in bed by 9.30 at the latest in an attempt to maximise any kind of sleeping opportunity.

And the whole sleep-while-your-baby-is-sleeping is a total crock when you have a baby who naps in 45 minute blocks (unless you're like my husband and can fall asleep in seconds)... by the time I get to sleep there are about 10 - 15 minutes until she wakes up again... Due to exhaustion and little brain I have been using 'wake aids' to survive - berocca, cups of tea and chocolate... probably not the healthiest way to exist, but gets me through each day.

And I know this is crazy.  So lately I've been doing my best to think of other solutions to my no-sleep saga.

I need to ensure ya'll know that yes, I have a wonderful supportive partner, and that he really does his best to look after Etta so that I can sleep.  But unfortunately, we have a baby who WILL NOT take a bottle (of expressed breast milk or anything else).  So our pre-pregnancy plan (he minds her until midnight so I can get some sleep before I take over) went out the window.  We would love to do this, and it would definitely help my sleep, but at the moment it's just not possible.  And Murray does mind her in the mornings on weekends when I'm exhausted, but due to it being daytime ie - not completely dark or silent, I generally can't sleep anyway. 

At the same time as the no-sleep saga, we've also had the our-baby-is-ridicously-tall saga, which has resulted in us having to move her into her own room sooner than we intended.  Her cot is too big to fit in our room, and she is far too big to fit in her bassinet.  Because Plunket recommends sleeping in the same room with your baby for the first six months, I knew this was going to add another layer to my SIDS paranoia, so I started taking some actions to address this.

I'm actually a pretty logical person most of the time and I knew that this fear was ridiculous.  If I could trick the crazy-new-Mum hormonal part of my brain, I figured everything would be ok.  So I compared the SIDS death stats with some regular death stats.  If Etta's been on a car ride during the day, at nap time (or bed time), I say to myself 'Etta is fourteen times more likely to die in a car accident than of SIDS.  And you let her go in the car, so surely you can let her sleep for a couple of hours without checking her'.  Now for some people that'd make them freak out about taking their baby in the car, but I know that's as crazy as my existing crazy (and a way harder to hide kind of crazy), so it's actually been oddly reassuring.  This, combined with getting a baby monitor, has started to bring in line my hypervigilance in checking Etta while she's asleep.  And while I slept on her bedroom floor the first four nights she was in her own room, I have let her sleep in there by herself since then.

Which has been great, and (seems to, sometimes) has helped her sleep.  But it still hasn't magically cured my sleep dramas.  So I decided to invest some money in trying out a breast-feeding-safe sleep naturopathic medicine thingee.  I'd read about some sleep drops on this on an online NZ Mummy forum, and heard it was supposed to actually work.  The first night I tried them (along with a sleep support drink from the same people) it actually had a weird effect on me.  When Etta woke up and I went to feed her (I was sleeping on her floor at the time) I was mega dizzy.  Not a high kind of dizzy, a dizzy exactly like I had been spinning in one direction for a while and just stopped.  Everything was pulling to the left and I worried that I might fall over.  So I didn't pick Etta up.  Murray brought her to me in my bed, and he slept on her floor (to help me get peace of mind).  The next morning I felt fine.

I emailed the sleep drops people to see if they had any suggestions, and they haven't encountered this before, but recommended a different dosage in case I had a sensitivity to one of the ingredients (totally possible, our family has intolerances/allergies up the wazoo).  And it seems like the reduced dose is somewhat helping.  I'm (usually) finding it easier to get back to sleep after having to get up to feed Etta, and I'm (usually) falling asleep quicker at night.  It's quite possibly a placebo effect, but it doesn't matter - the end result is the same.

But after all this hard work, at the end of the day when your baby's not sleeping, you can't really sleep.  And Etta's just hit another rough patch (partly wonder weeks, and partly stupid fireworks).  So I still haven't managed more than a three hour sleep run, but I'm feeling confident that it WILL happen at some point.  And the past 5 months have flown by, so what's another year or two...




* In short form, sleep drama means bouts of insomnia that are untreatable via sleeping pills or sedatives as they don't work on me (weird extreme susceptibility to some medications, and absolutely no effect on me from others.  Causes problems in hospital) and just issues with sleeping in general.