Everyone knows that when you get pregnant, you're going to get fat. However, knowing this in advance doesn't always make coping with the getting fat part any easier.
I was somewhat grateful that my tummy didn't proper 'pop' until around 13 weeks, but having that tummy-free time made me think there was a slight chance it wouldn't. That for some inexplicable reason I would stay small, and a baby would just fit into my body somehow (like when our rabbit was pregnant). As everyone that has ever been pregnant, or ever known a pregnant woman will know, this is not how that works.
Pretty much as soon as I 'popped' I started to freak out about weight gain. I didn't want to be this person. I wanted to be the relaxed 'it's ok, I'm pregnant' person, but that's not what happened. I imagine that most people with issues around 'control' like me, may react similarly when this happens to them (this is how I placate myself into feeling somewhat normal). When you are a person who schedules, maps, budgets, monitors and graphs most areas of your life (including getting pregnant), falling into territory where you have no control of what happens is difficult - especially when it's regarding your body.
I want to be the 'happy Buddha pregnant lady', but actually, I'm the 'paranoid/ anxious possibly delusional pregnant lady'.
I am not self conscious about being pregnant. I want to be pregnant (well, not pregnant, but to become a parent so pregnancy is somewhat necessary). I don't care who knows that I'm pregnant (look, I even posted a picture of me, being pregnant). In fact, it's the first time I've had a bump and actually been pregnant, so it makes a nice change from saying to people 'No I'm not pregnant, (IBS sufferers, you know what I'm talking about). But I don't like the out-of-controlness of the changes happening in my body (I can somewhat control IBS - want gaseous bump? Eat cheesecake. Simple). I knew these changes would happen, but this knowledge hasn't made dealing with these changes any easier.
Because I am already uncomfortable in my body, when others comment on it, it makes things worse. And if anyone touches my tummy, it's the worst it can get. Imagine grabbing a girls breasts when she's going through puberty - that's how inappropriate it feels. I am still coming to terms with touching my OWN tummy, which is why the idea of anyone else touching it is creepy (seriously, Murray's not even allowed to touch it without prior written consent). I am sure that people don't think my tummy is gross, this is not wherein lies the issue. And no nice things you, my husband, or anyone else tell me is going to make this any better. I truly don't give a rats what you think (no offense), because it's what I think that matters. And I'm not quite coping with the baby belly yet.
And I'm ok with that. I am sure this will get better. I'm already feeling slightly better because the number on the scales at the midwife said I haven't put on too much weight. I know 'the right weight' is an abstract idea, but it's another thing that placates me. Or freaks me out (which is why I don't own scales).
I know it isn't healthy, but I do have a number in my head* which I don't want to surpass in pregnancy. And as long as I'm eating properly, is it really THAT unhealthy? I'm not dieting. I'm not excessively exercising, I'm just conscious of the pregnancy/weight trajectory. I'm not eating extra 'because I should be eating for two', because I shouldn't be. I am snacking often. I HAVE changed those snacks from chips (initial pregnant ARGH need chips) to mandarins, Summer fruits and this awesome scroggin mix (nuts and cranberries and seeds and yum). I do still eat takeaways (pregnancy makes you tired and cooking is hard). I am drinking lots of water, in fact, I have to snack and drink water otherwise my blood pressure drops and I get cranky and deaf. I am starting pregnancy yoga soon, and I do walk almost every day (which is the same as before I was pregnant).
I do actually care about the little thing inside the bump. I felt it kick for the first time yesterday, well the first time I was 100% sure it wasn't gas. And I'm sure as this 'thing' feels more and more like a 'baby thing', I will probably start worrying less about my tummy and more about 'other things'. In the meantime though, I'll freak out as much as I bloody want. I'll yell at strangers who look downward then come at me with open palms. I'll design some sort of metal spiked 'chastity belly belt'. I'll douse myself in cocoa butter and pray to the God of stretchmarks that they will never come (I have plenty already). And I don't care what anyone thinks.
* This is a realistic number based on how much weight doctors/midwifes say you should gain if you are a healthy weight to start with (which I was), also taking into account my miniscule stature. It is NOT me working out how much the baby should weigh at birth and adding that to my start weight. I'm crazy, not stupid.
