Yeah, yeah, nah.
I have had a range of reactions from people when I've said 'yes, we're having a girl, but please don't buy us pink clothes.' They range from 'Sweet!' to 'Just dress her up when the grandparents come over', to 'That's never going to work'. So I thought I'd blog about why I'm making this choice. This way I can direct any confused friends or relatives here, or print it out for any older relatives who don't use the internet. I don't expect people to support us in this choice without understanding why we're making it.
I am definitely the driver in this decision, but Murray agrees. And we aren't just doing this because she's a girl and cos 'feminism' - we decided before we found out the gender of our child (and we only found this out because I am impatient) that this would be part of how we choose to parent.
In having a quick look to check if my memory serves me right, I found this article on the history of pink and blue baby clothes. Until the mid 19th century babies were dressed pretty much the same, and through the early 20th century the typical colours were actually pink for boys and blue for girls. This didn't morph into the current gender/colour norms until the 1940's. And there was a revival of non-gendered clothing for babies in the 1970's (cos feminism). So I do find it a little odd that people would care that I don't want to dress my likely-girl in pink. This concept ain't nothing new.
The main problem I have with gendered clothing and toys is that it encourages us to use gendered language around little people: 'Isn't she so pretty?' 'Isn't he so big and strong? Are you going to be a truck driver like daddy?'. And using language like this around little people tells them what we expect from them. Language like this alongside saying 'girls (and boys) can do anything' is just confusing. It's like saying 'You can do anything, but we'd prefer it if you do X'. I don't want to confuse my kids. I want them to be able to choose to do whatever without ever feeling worried or guilty about their choice.
Secondly, I don't understand dressing little girls in restrictive clothing when they are just learning to move around. Dresses simply make moving harder to do - I know, I'm a dress wearer. Babies and small children are just learning how to get about - which is why they toddle like drunks. If I were planning on getting drunk and going out, I would not wear impractical clothing (heels, tight dresses). Because I know from experience the likelihood of falling over and humiliating myself is high. So why would I dress my small, tottering child this way? And lace and decoration only aid in making movement awkward or uncomfortable.
Which brings me to a another point: lace and bows aren't necessary. They are just there to make something 'pretty'. Do we dress our little boys in lace and bows? And if not, why not? I'd say the reason is because we care more about making our little girls 'pretty' than our little boys. Because we want other qualities than 'pretty' from our little boys. I expect my little girl than to be more than just 'pretty' also. Therefore I will try not to dress her in ways that will elicit this response from myself or others (I know this will be hard - I shop, I buy, I look at cute things, I'm human). I will do my best not to objectify my child.*
Little people are like sponges - they absorb what is going on around them. I found it fascinating when I learnt that at 21 weeks pregnant your baby can actually taste what Mum is eating through the amniotic fluid. In utero, we are already influencing our babies future taste in food (need to cut out this lolly habit). Our choices have a huge impact on the understanding and future choices of our kids. And because of how I was raised/society etc, it will be difficult for me not to use language that gender types. So I am going to give myself as many tools as possible to aid in this.
I am well aware that I live in a world full of other little people and external influences and marketing that will influence my child. I have no plans to wrap her in cotton wool, prevent her from watching TV or engaging with others so that she turns out like scary Victoria from this cycle of ANTM (yes, I watch junk TV, I'm not some feminist Nazi). But until she is big enough to make choices for herself, I will try to keep her home environment as neutral as possible (ANTM in secret). There are plenty of awesome, non gendered toys that most of us played with growing up: blocks, teddy bears, puzzles, books, wagons and trikes, educational games (square shape goes in the square hole) et al. Toys are about modelling behaviors and learning new skills through play. If we give her a doll, it'll come with a truck - 'dressing' things is no more important than 'driving' things.
This is particularly important to me as Murray and I fill fairly stereotypically 'gendered' roles at home. I am the person who usually cooks (not at the moment due to malaise ie: pregnancy), and keeps the house respectable. Murray is the person who works hard and earns money to support our family. This is a choice we made independent of gender typing. Murray earns, and has potential to earn more money than me, so it is logical he does this. I care more about home maintenance, and a fair chunk of my life revolves around food - so it is logical I look after these things. There are many other things we do that are less gender 'typical', but this is the face of it. We will need to discuss and be open about the fact that this is a choice we've made, not what is necessarily 'normal' or 'proper'. And we can reinforce this notion of 'choice' through gender typing as little as possible.
Although I'm sure most people I know aren't going to be thinking this, I need to mention it anyway: gender and sexuality are completely separate things. There is no evidence to suggest that raising your children in a non-gendered environment makes them 'gay'. I am not trying to make our child 'gay'.
And because we recognise 'choice' we also recognise that fairly early on in the piece, this kid is likely going to want gender typical things. She will probably want to wear pink like 'Dora'. And that will be fine (Dora is annoying, but not a bad role model for a two year old). But if she wants to wear overalls and play in the sandpit, that will be fine too. Like all parents-to-be, we want to do our best for our child-to-be. And for me, modelling equality is as much a part of that as trying to cut down on the sugar so this kid isn't a sugar junkie like me.
For more info on gender neutral parenting, have a look here (I found this interesting)
* I know that most parents aren't intentionally objectifying their children, and I'm not trying to be judgy, just being blunt.
