On Etta's First Christmas

                                     Our humble Christmas tree (and bless our mess)

Hello Blog

Sorry it's been so long.  With a barrage of baby illness and parental brain fuzz there's been no chance of visiting you.  Don't get me wrong - there's been time - just not brain or stamina to even consider writing.  My brain has been awash with blog topics over the last month: baby feeding, Unitec Design department job losses, the marketing/gendering baby clothing debacle.  And today I've decided not to be precious about my writing, and not to be intellectual, but to write about the obvious at hand: Christmas.

So it's Etta's first Christmas and time to start establishing our own family traditions.  And as a lover of  Christmas, this is super important to me.  BUT, there are a lot of things about contemporary Christmas I don't love.  One of those things is Santa and here are my main reasons why:

- Santa divorces gifts received from the notion of 'giving'

- Santa makes more visible the gap between rich and poor

- Santa encourages us to lie to our kids

'What do you want for Christmas?' is the standard Santa-lap-child dialogue.  Not who are you spending Christmas with, not what are you getting Mummy and Daddy - just what do you want.  And combined with the amount of marketing we encounter in our daily lives, the message that 'YOU NEED THIS THING' is constant, and really doesn't need reinforcing by a bearded man in a red suit. 

To me Christmas is about giving to those you love.  It may be gifts, it may be food, it may be time, or it may just be kind thoughts.  If you are Christian, the importance of giving is highlighted through the nativity story - Jesus wasn't expecting anything, but people wanted to give to their new messiah.  Jesus wasn't making lists and awaiting Furby's - and if he weren't a newborn babe I think he would just have been stoked so many people showed up to say hi.* 

I love giving to others, and Christmas is prime time for doing that.  I want to share this love of giving with Etta.  So of course she is going to get presents, but from us, not 'Santa'.  And because Murray is 'pro Santa' we've come up with a compromise - which is St Nicholas who made gifts for the orphans (in simplified version).  So in the vein, Etta will have one handmade St Nicholas present to remember this kind act each Christmas.  And coming up to Christmas we will also sort through her toys, and give half of them away to charity.  When she is older, she can choose what she keeps, and what she gives away, and to whom, herself. 

Because Santa is all about gifts, and what kids want from Santa is informed by marketing, Christmas is a time that clearly establishes the kids whose parents have money, and the kids that don't.  This, combined with the 'Santa only gives presents to good kids' thing further concretes the rich = good, poor = bad dichotomy which has been exacerbated by the 'bene-bashing' of our current government. 

This is not only important to me because of my political leanings, but because I was the poor/bad kid growing up.  I was the kid that asked my Mum if I'd been bad, as my Santa gifts were not comparable with that of my middle class cousins.  This must have been heartbreaking for my parents.  They did their best, and in spite of this I have very fond memories of Christmas because we celebrated other things.  But for many, Santa puts undue stress and pressure on those who just can't afford him.  Because of my values I can't pass this dichotomy on to my daughter.  Plenty of other people will do this for her.  I want to ensure that at least, at home, she knows that a person is not valued by what they, or their parents, earn.

The lying thing... now this will be the hardest point for folks to swallow.  For most, Santa is not lying, but 'magic' and I totally get that.  I get the wonder of childhood, the tooth fairy, the mystery of falling asleep somewhere and waking up somewhere else.  I get the excitement around reindeer excrement.  Trust me, I do.  But for me, when I found out that it was a ruse (and I didn't find out until I was quite old, maybe even 9) because I had believed so strongly in the magic I lost faith in my parents.  I know that most kids don't feel/react this way.  I know this will have been more pertinent to me because I had other reasons to distrust my parents, but in spite of this, I can't conscionably lie to my daughter.  I just can't.

We will do our utmost to ensure that she doesn't ruin the magic for others, but as my Mum pointed out - she will not be the only kid at her school who doesn't 'do' Santa.  We live in a multicultural world these days, especially in Auckland.  Many people who live here do not have faith systems that revolve around Christmas.  Etta will not be alone in her Santalessness.

And instead of Santa we'll teach her about the origins of Christmas.  About the nativity story and why Jesus is important (culturally, not just in a theological sense).  About St Nicholas and the orphans (ignoring the whole 'dowry' drama), and about Winter Solstice.  We'll go at her pace, but we will not boil Christmas down into the simple Santa/gift dealio.

And Etta will still have magic.  The magic in Christmassy smells - ginger and cinnamon, fresh pine and mint, BBQ and roast.  The magic in the rustle of wrapping paper, in Christmas carols and fairy light lit nights.  And the magic in that warm feeling you get when you give to others and receive a genuine smile.

Meri Kirihimete ki a kotou, arohanui mai x x

           Cookies me and Mum made for the dementia residents at Craigwell house

* Just need to clarify I am not religious (although I was raised vaguely Christian), but love the nativity story and am totes down with Jesus.  So many good life lessons in his teachings, many of which are especially pertinent today.

On Our Strong Reaction to Roast Busters

Every now and then our nation goes totally crazy over a local news article.  In this case, people have  started a petition, managed to get popular radio hosts taken off air, and have even offered a $4000NZD reward for 'footage of the Roast Busters getting hidings'.  I just wanted to talk about why I think there has been such a massive response to the Roast Busters case.  Just in case anyone out there didn't understand.

In terms of numbers men and women are fairly equal in New Zealand - we have 0.99 males per female - which means we have about 2.3 million women living here.  And of those women, about 25% of them will have been sexually assaulted as girls.  That's 575,000 women - almost 13% of all Kiwi's.*  So if we just think about these people, if we forget about everyone else who thinks that having sex with underage drunk girls and bragging about it on the internet is not ok, we're looking at a large percentage of our population for whom this case probably feels quite personal.  That's a lot of people.

I am one of those people.  I am not one of the people who is traumatised by this, but it is probably why I care enough about this case to write this post.  I never reported the date-rape (whilst comatose drunk), or the many sexual assaults as, like many, I thought they were probably my fault.  And because these things happened to other people I knew, I figured it was normal, not something worth reporting and not a big deal.

But it is a big deal, and these days we seem to be (or are supposed to be) more aware of that.  And because we (the people) should be more aware, our police should be too.  The second reason people are upset is because of the handling of this case by police.  Like many other people, I thought our law enforcement teams had evolved past asking a 13 year old rape victim about what she was wearing.  This information is irrelevant and unhelpful victim blaming.  Willie Jackson and John Tamihere's interview with 'Amy' about the Roast Busters actions generated more victim blaming, which sat in stark contrast to their description of the boys actions as 'mischief'.

An estimated 90% of sexual assaults go unreported in New Zealand.  I don't think it's hard to see why when our police** and our elders (two political figures/media personalities) clearly do not take sexual assault seriously.  When you are traumatised and you know you were doing something you probably shouldn't have (drinking underage) when the assault happened, in the current environment you need a very stable sense of self worth to feel you can report it.  And sexual assault is a pretty good tool at eroding a persons feeling of worth.  The Police's treatment of this case has confirmed all our fears around reporting sexual assault.

And the third reason the fecal matter has really hit the fan is because one of the boys at the center of the scandal reportedly had familial links to the police investigating the case.  Another boy has a famous father, and some investigative journalism turned up that Mr Tamihere is friends with another boys father.  So it looks very much to the public as though preferential treatment has been given to these boys because of who they are.

We New Zealanders have a long history in protesting injustice (although the current government has attempted to quash this).  From Parihaka's peaceful 'Year of the Plow', to the Springbok tour of '81, through to the recent Occupation of Aotea Square.  We strongly support the underdog because, really, we are the underdog.  So of course we rail against these boys and their celebrity Dad's treatment (or lack of treatment) regarding this case.  It's just what we do.

*                *                *                *                *                *

So that's why there's such a big fuss being made.  And I agree that a big fuss should be made, but I am concerned that people are missing the big picture here.  Although I understand the villagers/pitchforks/drive-them-out mentality, threatening these boys will not solve any problems.  And as far as I'm concerned they are still boys.  18 is not as young as 13, but these boys were 16 when the specific incident happened.  And 18 is still very young.  At 18 I got myself into credit card debt and did all sorts of other stupid things (blame it all on the pre-frontal cortex).  Don't get me wrong, I'm not excusing their behavior, but instead of destroying these boys, surely it's more important for us to ask why this happened?

Because I personally think (I could be wrong here though?) that our sexual assault statistics paint a pretty screwed up picture.  The Roast Busters case is purely a symptom of a much bigger issue.  The issue that we are failing to acknowledge, and it might be because they are children of celebrities, or because they go to public schools in West Auckland***, is that these boys are doing what MANY other boys are doing - the only difference is that they were stupid enough to brag about it on Facebook.

How do I know that many boys are doing this?  Because 1/4 of our girls are being sexually assaulted.  I don't think it takes a genius to realise that this means a large proportion of our boys/men think that sexual assault is ok.  Sure, you can lie to yourself and say it's probably just a few bad apples doing all of the bad things, and that you know lots of guys, and none of them would ever sexually assault anyone, but I just don't think that's true.

As long as sexual assault goes unreported, and unpunished, we have an issue.  And as long as people think a girl in a short skirt is 'asking for it', we have an issue.  And as long as we think it's ok to disrespect women, we have an issue.  I think the fourth reason this case is hit home is because secretly, deep down, most people know that we are accountable for it.  I never reported what happened to me.  I have no idea how many other girls/women those boys assaulted, or to what degree.  My choice, although understandable, has helped form the environment these boys grew up in.

These boys need to be accountable for their actions, but not via a lynchmob.  No-one can be surprised that a boy whose family friend said, on air, that sexually assaulting a 13 year old was 'mischief', would think this behavior was ok.  As the chair of White Ribbon  said regarding this case, the misogynistic attitudes of these boys are 'endemic' in New Zealand.  This is what we really need to be looking at.  Aspects of our rugby, racing and beer culture are well past their 'best before' date.

We need to teach our daughters differently.  We need to teach them that no matter what happens, no matter what they're wearing, or how intoxicated they are, or if they've already given that boy oral sex, non-consensual sexual contact is not ok.  We need to create a safer environment for these girls to talk about it.  And we need to teach our sons differently.  We need to model respect for all women.  We need to teach them about equality, ESPECIALLY in terms of sexuality (that women and girls have a right to one).  We need to teach them about consent. 

We need to look at our own behaviors before we raise our pitchforks.**** 

* About 1 in 10 boys in NZ will also be sexually assaulted

** in this instance

*** As did I, and I can tell you right now it doesn't necessarily mean you are not a child of means, or of parents who love you, or of low intellect, or a 'trouble maker'

**** Even if the pitchfork is only $12.50 at Mitre 10

On Baby Sleep Part 3: Mum's Sleep

I have always been a very light sleeper.  And I have always had difficulty getting to sleep.  As a very anxious person I sometimes have difficulty shutting down my brain.  And shutting down became nigh on impossible with the advent of being responsible for another human life.

To get to sleep, I (like babies) need to follow a sort of routine (learnt after many years of sleep-drama*).  I need to be comfortably warm (I wear socks to bed).  I need to be in absolute darkness (I wear a sleep mask).  I need things to be pretty much completely quiet.  To help shut down my brain, I read pointless stuff just before bed (at the moment it's Game of Thrones).  If I am still having trouble shutting down my brain, I focus on my breathing, or do some counting exercises.  It usually takes me half an hour to an hour to get to sleep at night.

I cannot sleep in hospital.  I cannot sleep on planes.  I generally struggle to sleep in places other than at home.  And I wake easily.  I usually have to pee once or twice during the night (and no, I'm not diabetic, just have a tiny bladder), and when Murray comes to bed, or gets up for work, or snores it completely wakes me up (we hardly ever sleep in the same bed).  This means I honestly can't remember the last time I've slept for a consecutive period of more than six hours.  It was definitely before I was pregnant.

And now I have a baby I can only vaguely remember the last time I had three hours of consecutive sleep. 

This is also in part because I am an excessively paranoid crazy person regarding SIDS.  This is a silly thing to obsess about.  The rates in NZ are really low compared to when I was a baby.  And it's not like I have any of the factors that increase the chances of Etta having SIDS.  I have never smoked.  I am not obese.  I am not an alcoholic.  I don't co-sleep unsafely or let her sleep on her stomach.  But I can't stop thinking about it.  I still check if Etta is breathing at least once an hour (because if she wasn't breathing I'd have more of a chance of resuscitating her than if it were less frequently.  I've brought this down from half hourly..)  It's insane and not good for either of us.  And now I'm so used to checking her that if I sleep for longer than two hours I usually have a nightmare, wake up, freak out and have to check her.

So with my regular sleep issues and the crazy SIDS stuff combined, I consequently don't sleep very much.

This is not something I get off on.  I am not one of those people who thrives on coffee and energy drinks and three hours sleep and how-much-work-I-can-get-done-at-crazy o'clock. 
'Man, after getting all the housework done I only had about three hours sleep'...
That's not me.  I am someone who actually likes sleeping, would never stay up past 1am to finish an assignment, and if I could do it, I would sleep most of the day.  Pre-baby, I was a bed-by 11-at-the-latest-preferably-10.30 type of person, and a big night out meant I was out until midnight.  Now I have a baby, I'm in bed by 9.30 at the latest in an attempt to maximise any kind of sleeping opportunity.

And the whole sleep-while-your-baby-is-sleeping is a total crock when you have a baby who naps in 45 minute blocks (unless you're like my husband and can fall asleep in seconds)... by the time I get to sleep there are about 10 - 15 minutes until she wakes up again... Due to exhaustion and little brain I have been using 'wake aids' to survive - berocca, cups of tea and chocolate... probably not the healthiest way to exist, but gets me through each day.

And I know this is crazy.  So lately I've been doing my best to think of other solutions to my no-sleep saga.

I need to ensure ya'll know that yes, I have a wonderful supportive partner, and that he really does his best to look after Etta so that I can sleep.  But unfortunately, we have a baby who WILL NOT take a bottle (of expressed breast milk or anything else).  So our pre-pregnancy plan (he minds her until midnight so I can get some sleep before I take over) went out the window.  We would love to do this, and it would definitely help my sleep, but at the moment it's just not possible.  And Murray does mind her in the mornings on weekends when I'm exhausted, but due to it being daytime ie - not completely dark or silent, I generally can't sleep anyway. 

At the same time as the no-sleep saga, we've also had the our-baby-is-ridicously-tall saga, which has resulted in us having to move her into her own room sooner than we intended.  Her cot is too big to fit in our room, and she is far too big to fit in her bassinet.  Because Plunket recommends sleeping in the same room with your baby for the first six months, I knew this was going to add another layer to my SIDS paranoia, so I started taking some actions to address this.

I'm actually a pretty logical person most of the time and I knew that this fear was ridiculous.  If I could trick the crazy-new-Mum hormonal part of my brain, I figured everything would be ok.  So I compared the SIDS death stats with some regular death stats.  If Etta's been on a car ride during the day, at nap time (or bed time), I say to myself 'Etta is fourteen times more likely to die in a car accident than of SIDS.  And you let her go in the car, so surely you can let her sleep for a couple of hours without checking her'.  Now for some people that'd make them freak out about taking their baby in the car, but I know that's as crazy as my existing crazy (and a way harder to hide kind of crazy), so it's actually been oddly reassuring.  This, combined with getting a baby monitor, has started to bring in line my hypervigilance in checking Etta while she's asleep.  And while I slept on her bedroom floor the first four nights she was in her own room, I have let her sleep in there by herself since then.

Which has been great, and (seems to, sometimes) has helped her sleep.  But it still hasn't magically cured my sleep dramas.  So I decided to invest some money in trying out a breast-feeding-safe sleep naturopathic medicine thingee.  I'd read about some sleep drops on this on an online NZ Mummy forum, and heard it was supposed to actually work.  The first night I tried them (along with a sleep support drink from the same people) it actually had a weird effect on me.  When Etta woke up and I went to feed her (I was sleeping on her floor at the time) I was mega dizzy.  Not a high kind of dizzy, a dizzy exactly like I had been spinning in one direction for a while and just stopped.  Everything was pulling to the left and I worried that I might fall over.  So I didn't pick Etta up.  Murray brought her to me in my bed, and he slept on her floor (to help me get peace of mind).  The next morning I felt fine.

I emailed the sleep drops people to see if they had any suggestions, and they haven't encountered this before, but recommended a different dosage in case I had a sensitivity to one of the ingredients (totally possible, our family has intolerances/allergies up the wazoo).  And it seems like the reduced dose is somewhat helping.  I'm (usually) finding it easier to get back to sleep after having to get up to feed Etta, and I'm (usually) falling asleep quicker at night.  It's quite possibly a placebo effect, but it doesn't matter - the end result is the same.

But after all this hard work, at the end of the day when your baby's not sleeping, you can't really sleep.  And Etta's just hit another rough patch (partly wonder weeks, and partly stupid fireworks).  So I still haven't managed more than a three hour sleep run, but I'm feeling confident that it WILL happen at some point.  And the past 5 months have flown by, so what's another year or two...




* In short form, sleep drama means bouts of insomnia that are untreatable via sleeping pills or sedatives as they don't work on me (weird extreme susceptibility to some medications, and absolutely no effect on me from others.  Causes problems in hospital) and just issues with sleeping in general.

On Baby Sleep Part 2: Keeping Baby Asleep...

                              Etta in bed for a day nap... I thought she was still asleep

Just because we worked out how to get her to sleep doesn't mean we know how to keep her asleep!  Up until three weeks ago, this wasn't really an issue as she was sleeping, unlike many her age, up to a nine hour block at night most nights.  Shortly after turning three months old this deteriorated, and at one point last week she was waking hourly from 2am to feed.  A few friends of ours have had babies with serious sleep problems.  Because of this, Murray's initial response to this was 'Oh no!  We need to do something!'  My initial response was meh.  I'd read about the three to four month old changes.  I knew that Etta was just hungry and that she still had a very good grip on the difference between night and day - she was just waking for food and was settling straight back into sleep afterward.  Yes, it is annoying, yes it is hard and yes, I am an overtired, horrid bitch, but we just have to get through it.

After almost three weeks of little sleep and Murray not feeling heard because I refused to acknowledge a 'problem', I called Plunket Line.  And (surprise surprise) I was right.  Babies this age go through lots of developmental changes and just need more calories.  And with brain development comes a more easily distracted baby - so often they aren't feeding properly during the day.  The lovely Plunket lady said they get about five calls a day about sleep changes in babies Etta's age - it's completely normal.

And although I can't say I'm happy with this change, I'm happy to know that my baby is developing as she should, and that we are dealing with this change as we should.  It's a good reminder that babies are consistently, if nothing else, changeable.  It never pays to be smug about anything in baby land, cos the next day it's highly likely that thing will no longer exist.

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

Ha ha!  I wrote the above about six weeks ago... It's amazing how quickly everything changes!  After a few more weeks of Etta's crazy sleep thing I was going insane (hence long time no blogging).  And surely she should have grown out of it by now?  She was coming up to 20 weeks and that seemed too old for such nonsense.

Our friend who's son had sleep issues had forwarded us all her 'sleep program' notes - I decided it was time to actually read them.  Her program was designed specifically for her son, so I just took the parts of it that seemed to make sense to our daughter and situation and started putting them in place.

Despite being great at using the 'controlled cry' method to get Etta to sleep, we weren't using it consistently through the night.  I just assumed she was hungry, got up, and fed her.  I also was trying my best to be super Mum (and let Murray sleep) so was getting up as soon as she made a noise.  I decided to work on those two things and see what happened. 

We decided (based on her weight) that she might still need two - three feeds over night, but made a new rule not to give her a second feed after bedtime until at least 10pm*, and subsequent feeds four hourly.  I started leaving her to make noise for 5 minutes before I initiated feeding - or if at a no-feeding time, our normal settling routine.

We also have a baby that has from six weeks, very rarely, napped for longer than one baby sleep cycle (45 minutes).  I started leaving her for 5 minutes (like at night time) to grizzle before getting her up, and if she was awake but not crying, leaving her for 20 minutes in case she would resettle to sleep.

These were easy things for us to do - but what a HUGE difference they made!  I was just being hyper vigilant after Etta went through her three month growth spurt.  Etta often just cries a little between sleep cycles, but she goes back to sleep straight away.  I didn't know this because I'd never given her a chance to self settle.  Such a simple thing, but such a massive difference - I felt like such an idiot! The first night I think I fed her once at 11pm and again at 4am - and didn't have to do any controlled cry back-to-sleep things at all.  And she started having one 'proper' (over an hour) nap a day.  It was amazing!

We're almost four weeks in to the sleep changes now and things have changed again.  Etta has stopped properly napping most of the time (I think she worked out what I was doing).  So I just leave her the amount of time I'd like her to nap (1 hour), even if she's awake to try and encourage proper napping.  It might work one day...  I'm still working on getting her down to three naps a day consistently - it happens sometimes, but mostly she's still needing four naps.  I haven't had to feed her more than twice overnight AT ALL since I made these changes - and there are only a few nights we've had to use controlled crying to get her back to sleep - she usually self settles just fine. 

Our next big sleep challenge will be Etta going into her own room at night.  We are napping her in there now to get her ready, but she has to move soon as she is WAY too big her for bassinet now.  Wish me luck!  I'll let you know how it goes...**

* Apparently overfeeding in the evening can cause them to wake in the wee hours more often.
** I'm sure she'll cope fine, just not sure if I will.

On Eating on a Budget

     Being gluten free, making my own cookies is a great way to save money

I love food, and I love budgeting.  But when we had to tighten the belt a little on grocery spending, nevertheless, I got a little worried.  Over a month in now, I have to say we haven't really missed out on much.  So as I said in my 'Money' post earlier this month I'd write some tips on how to eat on a budget.

Be Realistic
Like with my other money advice, make sure your budget is realistic.  If you know you can't live without coffee find a way to incorporate it into your food budget.  I'm a serious sweet tooth, so we buy one big block of chocolate a week (whatever's on special) and have a little each night after dinner  Budgeting for these temptations is safer than just being tempted by what's on special and then getting a shock at the checkout.  It all adds up.  It is more cost effective to shop monthly, but for us shopping weekly works better - set your own boundaries and work within them.

Plan Your Meals
This is the best way to avoid food wastage.  In the past we often accidentally wasted feta because it was left over from another meal and found it's way to a back corner of the fridge.  Now I plan meals around those short-life products - a block of feta means two to three meals that feature feta over the next week.  And we shop to the meal plan.  I plan five meals a week and base the other two meals around what veges we have, and what else is left in our fridge.

If you're on a tight budget, pick one or two 'luxury' items a week to make your meals a bit less bland and plan around those.  It's great if one of those is a luxury that goes a long way - like parmesan cheese or sundried tomatoes - these last us for a month or more and pack a lot of flavour, so for their lifespan are actually fairly inexpensive.

And it's important to plan for more than dinner.  You need to also take into account breakfast, lunch and snacks.  I find I need high protein foods in the mornings to kick start my day, so cheese, eggs and smoked chicken are staples in our house.  Murray is always in a hurry (mornings are not his thing) so we always have vast quantities peanuts in the pantry (cheap protein, high calorie) and plenty of little snacky things like Cruskits (we have fruit too but he's less keen so that's more for me and the rabbit).  If you cook enough dinner to cover lunch the next day, you'll save on time in the morning, and you won't spend unnecessary money buying lunch.  I highly recommend this.  If you don't need it for lunch, you can freeze the extra and that's a meal you don't have to cook one night when you're tired.

Always Use A List 
Shopping without a list is a very dangerous thing.  It's a great way to spend money on things you don't need, and to forget to buy the things you do, which can mean paying bigger prices picking them up from your local dairy later on.  I am mega-anal, and go through grocery receipts so I have a rough idea of what most of our regular groceries cost, and cost out our list as I write it so I know (roughly) whether it's in budget.

How do you know what to put on your list?  I have weekly and fortnightly staples which are always first to go on the list.  These are things we consider necessary - in our house eggs and cat food are a weekly necessity, coffee is fortnightly.  Then I check the pantry/fridge/freezer to see what we've run out of/are running out of and put those onto the list.  Then I do a quick tally of how much it'll cost so far, and based on that, plan what meals I'll make.  If we've run out of a lot of stuff, we have very inexpensive meals (using lentils, veges, stuff from the freezer).  And once we've done that, if there's any extra money it goes on extra tinned food or snacky meal things for Murray (he eats much more than me, and more than I'm prepared to cook for). 

Knowing (roughly) how much the items you usually buy cost makes preparing a useful shopping list much easier.  If you don't know, shop with a calculator (or use the one on your phone).  Get your necessities first, then if there is money left over, get the other items on your list.  Once you've done this a few times, you'll have a better feel for things and can probably start shopping without it.

Buy In Season
You can save crazy money just buying stuff that's in season - and it's fresher and (usually) grown locally, so carries less food miles.  You can sometimes buy strawberries in Summer at three punnets for $5, so it seems stupid to spend $6 on a punnet in Winter.  Especially when you can freeze them.  Yeah, it's not quite the same as you can't just eat them like in Summer, but you can use them in smoothies, salads and desserts, and they're still full of antioxidants. 

When avocados were cheap I made a bunch into guacamole, froze it in little individual portions (used silicon mini-muffin pan as easy to get out later) then put into a freezer bag.  When a friend dropped around a bunch of lemon I squeezed them and froze the juice in ice cubes, then moved them into freezer bags.  And those apples from Maggies garden?  Peeled, stewed and bagged in the freezer.  My favourite is charring red capsicums (cheap over Summer) then freezing them so have sweet roast capsicum to add to meals all year around (well, almost, we just ran out).  Yum!  And way cheaper than paying for a capsicum in Winter.  The freezer is totally your friend here - and that's great because a well-packed freezer is actually more efficient - so keeping it full also helps save on power!

Shopping Around
Shopping around isn't always going to save you money - it's important to factor petrol and time into this equation.  Driving to Orewa to go to Bin Inn once a month may prove more costly than just buying those things at the supermarket.  In saying this, I highly recommend not buying vegetables at the grocery store.  Even Pak n Save charges crazy amounts for regular veges.  Guess how much a courgette was going to cost me from there the other day?  $3!  That's more than a king size block of chocolate - I put it back.  We do our vege shopping at an Asian grocery store just around the corner from Pak n Save and it's much cheaper.  And if I happen to be in the local mall I'll check out what's on special at Countdown - again, only buying things on my list, or that are regular staples in our house.

If highly recommend checking out your local Asian grocery store - some of them are terrible, but many of them are fine and you can pick up ok quality fruit, veges and other stuff at very reasonable prices.  We spend under $20 a week on fruit and veges, and that includes our eggs (free range eggs are cheaper there than at Pak n Save).  Often rice and other staples (for us, rice noodles) are cheaper there than at the supermarkets.  And if you're looking for bulk bin products, you'll often find them at Indian grocers - the cheapest way I've found to buy gluten free flours, beans and legumes - but again, only worth it if you aren't going out of your way to shop there.

Grow Your Own 
 I have never had a green finger.  I was the one in the (farming) family that could not even grow radishes (and also didn't care a fig about growing radishes - farming fail).  Despite this, I've learned how to grow some edible things, and that spending time setting up (soil/manure etc) makes everything a lot easier in the long run.  Murray has always been the vege gardener, and I've always grown the herbs.  His fingers are only slightly greener than mine, but we've still been able to cultivate chili, rhubarb, kale, silverbeet, Maori potatoes, tomatoes and the occasional strawberry, courgette or capsicum.

By far the two easiest things we've ever grown are silverbeet and kale.  These are great as they are full of iron and B vitamins and are versatile and tasty.  If you were to grow one thing, I'd recommend silverbeet - it seems to survive anything, and is pretty fast growing.  I highly recommend growing your own herbs too.  I tend to stick with the 'bushy' ones - oregano, thyme, sage, rosemary and the 'sturdy' ones - mint and parsley as they don't die as easily as things like basil.  Fresh herbs add huge flavour to anything and cost next to nothing to cultivate, so are a great, cost effective way to add something special to cheap meals.

Can't put a garden in your rental property, or live in an apartment? No excuse!  Many veges do well in pots, and some even indoors.  Our in-laws grow basil on their kitchen windowsill and rocket and other salad greens in a long plastic trench pot thing on the deck.  We've grown capsicums and chilis in pots - the chilis actually grew slightly better.

And once you've got something growing well - even just one or two things, make friends with your neighbours, or talk to your friends and swap produce!  Heaps of people have fruit trees that produce more than they can eat - we almost always have oranges going free to good homes.  And our neighbours (lucky us) often have an excess of eggs.  And don't forget about 'weed' foods like puha and watercress - they are fantastic and full of vitamins.  Free food is the BEST food! 

Every Little Bit Counts
Small things add up to big things, and it's important to remember this with both money and food.  If we underspend on the groceries - which we often do these days, the extra money either goes to the side to buy a foody treat (like ice creams or wine...) or gets put on our Pak n Save Christmas Club card.  The club card is great as you can put as little as $5 on at a time.  So once we've done our shopping, and know if there's any extra, I put that in there.  Even if you only save $5 every other week, over a year that's $130 extra saved for Christmas groceries - which for us is plenty!

I hate wasting food, so find ways to use up all the little 'bits' left in our fridge.  Necessity is the mother of invention, and random bits of food have helped me invent an array of random meals - some to be repeated (weird lentil and pumpkin meatball/dumplings) and some not.  A little bit of left over sour cream can add lovely creaminess to soups or bolognaise, refried beans adds viscosity and flavour.  And don't waste those celery leaves!  They're edible!  Wash and chop them and add to soups or stews.  Roasted a chicken?  Don't throw out that carcass, use it to make stock and pop it into the freezer.  All of it adds up to more meals that cost nothing but creativity and a little extra of your time.

Make It Fun
I never used to trust Murray to do the grocery shopping.  When we first went on our strict budget, I'd do the shopping (armed with a calculator) and he would hang out with Etta in the car (I don't drive).  It wasn't the best way to do it, but now I have a better idea of what our regular groceries cost, I'm better at costing out our shopping list, so am happy to send him out.  And he's awesome at it now, because now he COMPETES with my budget to prove his awesomeness.  This is fun for him, and helps distract him from his desire/tendency to impulse shop which is great.  I'm a weird, anal nerd, so shopping within a budget is just fun for me full stop.  I have a Christmas fund to watch go up every time we save on groceries.  That's fun for me.

It might not be fun for you, but something else might be.  Like competing with your flatmates to see who can get the best deal on chicken (or whatever) each week.  Or seeing how much free food you can score by whatever (legal) means.  Or calculating how many food miles you've saved by shopping seasonally.  Or giving Living Below The Line a go one week, and spending the extra money from that week on super exciting stuff (chocolate and wine {or charity}) the next.  However you do it, it's important to focus on the positive aspects of living on a budget. 

                                A few of the awesome money savers from my freezer

On Baby Sleep part 1: On Getting Etta to Sleep

                                          Aren't they lovely when they're asleep?

Etta slept most of the time for her first month on this Earth - apparently that's quite normal for early babies.  But after that, she woke up, and appeared to never want to sleep again.  Being new parents with no prior baby minding experience we had zero knowledge around baby sleep - how much they need, when they need it, or how to get them to sleep.  I think (early times blurry due to lack of sleep) we assumed she needed sleep at night, and otherwise when she got cranky - and worked out we could get her to sleep by doing the following:

- Feeding her to sleep
- Rocking her to sleep
- Making shhhhhhing noises

Sadly, the rocking her to sleep was not that effective.  Sometimes it was more like rocking her to quiet, then as soon as you stopped rocking she would scream.  And the shhhhhing only worked once she was calm.  One night Murray attempted to rock her to sleep for four hours before coming to get me so I could feed her to sleep.

And shortly after that she would no longer feed to sleep.  The sleep situation was pretty ridiculous.

She was only about six weeks old at this stage.  We had tried the methods my friend had used (her son is two months older than Etta), but they hadn't worked for us and the internet offered so much conflicting advice it was confusing.  The only book I'd read that had anything in it about baby sleep was one by Nigel Latta.  So I re-read his advice, and trialled it for a day nap.  Nigel Latta uses a 'controlled crying' method.  It's where you put your baby down for a sleep (in a quiet place, with some sleepy preamble) and then you leave them for five minutes before checking on them.  No matter how much they are crying.  And then you go back, and if they are crying you pick them up (or rock them) and soothe them to quiet - and then you put them down and check them again in six minutes.  And it goes on like this up to leaving them for half an hour if needs be.

And it worked.  She was asleep after (I think?) six minutes.  It was hard letting her cry, but armed with a book that reminded me babies don't die from crying I managed to hold out on picking her up early.  This was a revelation!  I used it for a few days.  Then I checked this method with the internet.  It was not recommended for babies under the age of four to six months.  I felt bad.  So I stopped using it.

Until I really thought about how hard it was to get her to sleep without it.  So I thought bugger the internet, I'm with Nigel Latta.  It seemed to work for Etta, and Murray was on the same page as me*.  In the first two weeks it sometimes took up to nine minutes to get her to sleep - but most of the time it was six.  And even at the nine minute mark, allowing two minutes each time to soothe her - that's only 45 minutes of crying and not sleeping as opposed to four hours.  So I know it seems bad to leave a small baby to cry - cortisol and all - but in total she cried less during sleep training than she had overall beforehand because she slept more and was generally a more content baby.

We still use this method to get her to sleep - and most of the time (unless she's teething or cranky) she doesn't cry at all.  We have been also using white noise to soothe her, but I've recently discovered she doesn't actually need it.  Sometimes it takes her a while to actually sleep - she often lies there quietly staring at the ceiling, or flicking her head back and forth but she almost always eventually goes to sleep.  For naps, putting her down is quick and easy.  She gets tired.  I swaddle her and put her in her bed (in a quiet, dark room) and say 'It's sleep time now.  I love you and I'll see you soon', kiss her and leave the room.  In the evenings, we have a small routine - we lower our voices.  Murray changes her into night time clothes, we swaddle and feed her, then Murray reads her a story and sings her a song in bed, then it's bedtime.  She's asleep now, and she got there, as usual with a little protest grizzle but no tears.  No picking up, no messing about.  Lovely sleeping baby like the one pictured above.

There are LOADS of articles on why controlled crying is dangerous cos crying babies equals too much cortisol which damages babies brains etc.  Despite this, it works fine with our Etta - she is a happy, normal baby who still seems to love us both.  Like most things around babies, there are several schools of thought on how to do things, and why other ways of doing things are wrong.  I think that just like there are many ways to cook an egg, there are many ways to teach your baby.  And just because you prefer your eggs poached, doesn't mean that scrambling eggs is wrong.

Initially it isn't easy to just sit on your hands while your baby cries - we aren't heartless.  If you do use this method to get your baby to sleep, I recommend going and doing something for the first five minutes - make a cup of tea, or check your emails, or (if you're quick like me) have a shower.  Once they're sleep trained they'll usually be asleep (or at least quiet) once that first five minutes is up anyway.  And then you also have a cup of tea, or are clean and refreshed - so if they are still crying, you are probably in a better mindset to cope with the next six minutes.  And if you really can't cope with the crying, you don't have to start with five minutes - you can start with two like in Jo Frost's controlled crying method.

What I like about this sleep method  is that it has taught Etta how to self settle without sleep aids.  It's an important thing to learn which will help her get to sleep through the rest of her life.  And Murray and I are fairly independent people, so a method that teaches independence to our child makes sense to us.  Because we are not leaving her to cry indefinitely, she knows we haven't abandoned her, and that she is loved and cared for.  And I don't think it has emotionally retarded her - she has absolutely no trouble communicating her emotions - be them happy or sad. 

And most importantly, she sleeps! 


* Having him onside is what made this work.  Whenever one of us was about to buckle because she was making such a piteous sound, the other would stand strong.  This definitely got us through the tough first few weeks, and still helps us get through the occasional tough nights now.

My Two Cents on Money (cos apparently it's not just NZ Fashion Week)

I went on the internet yesterday and discovered that there was such a thing as 'Money week' and apparently it's now.  And because my PPL finished and I'm having to be even better with money, and I'm a HUGE fan of budgeting anyway, I thought I'd share some of my basic tips for surviving on an 'austerity budget'*

Know What You Are Spending
If you don't do this already and you'd like to be better with money, track your spending.  This means writing down every transaction you make, in or out, over a period of time and then going through and analysing it.  I don't track my day to day spending often because I'm pretty good with money now - but I do track the big things like the power bill, so that I know what we spend and how much to budget for.  Once you know what you're blowing your money on, you can better target your budget, and your spending habits.  For instance, most people I know spend WAY more than necessary on lunch or snacks for work.  $10 a day is $50 a week, and that can easily be curbed by making lunch at home.  I make biscuits once a week and pop them into little containers for Murray's lunch, and make twice as much dinner as we need so we can have it for lunch the next day.  This is a quick and easy, cost effective way to stop that work lunch spending.  But we mightn't be doing it if we didn't know that's where our extra money was going...

Get Organised
I love my husband, but he is not the most organised person in the world.  When we dropped to one income and I had to redo the budget I found out he didn't know how much our insurances cost... In previous budgets I'd estimated these, but with going to an 'austerity' budget, every dollar counts, so it was important to know exactly.  He also didn't know how to find the amount....

If you don't know how much you spend on power/phone/insurance, whatever just go through your bank statement online - pretty simple.  Once we found the insurance figures I found out I had previously over-budgeted, which meant I had slightly more money after paying the bills than I thought.  That felt like getting free money!  But it could easily have gone the other way.  If you underestimate what you spend on regular direct debits you may go into overdraft and have to pay bank fees.  Paying bank fees for this reason is as stupid as purposely flushing money down the toilet - and so easily avoidable.

And if you're organised you can actually make money.  Because I have our power bill budgeted for, and know when it's due I save 10% on my bill by paying it within two weeks of receiving it.  If you have a $200 power bill, that's like someone giving you a twenty dollar note.  It's the same with your car registration or rates - you know you have to pay them, and if you can bulk pay them (like pay for a year instead of just six months) it works out cheaper.  If you budget for these, it will not only stop you from freaking out when you get the letter in the mail saying you have to pay them - but it'll save you money.

You can save heaps on groceries by planning your meals and just shopping for what you actually need.  We have just been doing this properly over the last month and it's so much better as we waste a lot less food then we used to, have lovely meals, and I'm not scratching my head about what to cook at 5pm.  I choose one or two 'luxury' items, like feta cheese, and incorporate that into that weeks meals alongside cheaper ingredients - like tinned tomatoes.  And don't forget that snacks are meals too - having small things you can take with you when popping out will save you spending unnecessarily on expensive dairy snacks.**

Be Realistic
It's all very well and good having ideals, but at the end of the day they could get you into trouble.  When budgeting for your power bill, budget for your average bill - don't budget around your cheapest bill and plan on how you will use less power.  Average out your last 12 power bills and budget based on that amount.  And if you actually are managing to save on power, after three months work out your monthly average again.  This will bring the average down marginally, and over time your power savings will be incorporated into your budget - once you've proven that it's actually achievable!

And if you know you cannot survive without something, like decent coffee - put it in your budget!  Murray would be not worth dealing with if he couldn't have 'real' coffee on the weekends, so it's incorporated into our food budget - but we only buy it fortnightly.  If he drinks it all in one weekend - there's no coffee left for the next weekend.  But if having that coffee means you have no money for petrol to get to work - the reality is you're probably going to have to get used to instant.

Get Friendly With Your Bank
The reason I am good with money now is because I wasn't when I was younger.  Even when I was earning fairly well I spent pretty much all of it - and on horrible things like expensive shiny pants.  I did what many young people do and got into credit card debt.  After that, I was slightly terrified of dealing with banks, but have since learned you can use them to your advantage.

I have seven bank accounts.  This might sound like a lot, but every one serves a purpose.  You probably won't need seven bank accounts but these are mine and what they do:

1) A regular personal chequing account with eftpos card
2) An internet only 'rainy day' account (also for car maintenance)
3) A debit card which doubles as a personal savings account
4) An account for Etta (to pay for things like swimming lessons)
5) A double signatory savings account for our 'real' savings
6) A 'fun' account (this pays for movies/takeaways etc)
7) The 'bills' account (for power/phone/water rates/mortgage etc)

Bank fees through the roof you say?  I only pay bank fees on one of my accounts (my debit card) and also have unlimited transaction fees on all but one account (savings account).  Talk to your bank and see what they can do for you.  Multiple accounts makes it easier to organise your finances and allocate money for specific purposes.  Three of these accounts are both mine and Murray's and three are for me.  Even though we're a couple, it's important to both of us to maintain some financial independence - Murray doesn't want me nitpicking his personal spending, and he doesn't need to see what stupid things I blow money on either.

Probably the most important account I have there is our double signatory savings.  I used to be unable to save money.  And then one day my boyfriend-at-the-time's sister decided that she and the family were going to Fiji for her 30th - we both had to save up to go.  So we set up a double signatory joint account so we could stop each other from taking money out whenever we wanted a new pair of shiny pants.  And it worked.  And we went to Fiji with the family!  Seeing a savings plan come to fruition is a great way to make you want to keep saving, we actually kept it for quite a while after we broke up (cos we were still friends) and I used it to save for other things.  This is how Murray and I managed to save for our Civil Union, and our house deposit.  If you suck at saving, I highly recommend it.  And you don't need to be in a relationship to do it - ask your Mum or Dad, brother, sister or friend - as long as it's someone who won't buckle every time you want new shiny pants it will work, and you will save money.

Compare Prices
This is especially important when looking to buy important things (like fridges), but also a great way to stop you impulse buying using online specials - which can sometimes be a little less 'special' than you'd think...  There are apparently apps you can get for your smart phones which do this for you - but my phone is not that smart so I just use websites like PriceSpy or PriceMe whenever we need to buy big ticket items.  These are great cos they can also let you know about demo models available at certain stores - totally worth doing on most everything but TV's, and you'll save a bunch of money.

Although Pak n Save is usually the cheapest supermarket it's definitely worth checking out the other supermarket's specials.  I get the Countdown specials email every week, and if something I regularly buy is on special and I happen to be passing by Countdown during the week I'll pick it up from there instead - it's sometimes not worth the time or petrol to make an extra supermarket trip, so definitely not something I go out of my way to do - if it costs more in petrol than in savings than you aren't saving anything at all!

And if you're an impulse shopper who is signed up to deals newsletters like Grabone, and you just can't bear to 'unsubscribe', when an offer comes up that looks enticing just do this.  Google that product and see how much it costs.  Is it much more than the cost of the 'special' plus postage?  And do you really need it?  Even just taking the time to stop and look at something else for a few seconds can make you realise that you don't really need those pet brushing gloves after all.

Don't underestimate other revenue streams
This probably sounds dumb but I'm one of those suckers who does online surveys for money.  I figure I'm at home, I have no job and I like pissing about on the internet so hey, why not.  Because I'm the nerd that I am, I have started tracking my earnings from the various survey sites.  Currently I earn about $12 a week in vouchers or Paypal money.  That doesn't sound like much, but it's over $600 a year.  It's enough to sponsor a child, or buy three coffees (in West Auckland), or if you're me, to put aside for Christmas shopping.  Not too shabby really.

And garage sales are not to be sniffed at.  We had some pretty massive ones at our old flat to help fundraise for our Civil Union and honeymoon - we made over $700 at one of them!  And it's a great way to de-clutter your house. 

Incorporate treats
Being on a budget is not a bad thing - it's a way to work toward getting the things you want in life - like a holiday, or to maintain the things you've worked hard to get, like a house.  But it can be hard to see it that way when it means you've had to change your lifestyle to stick to it.  Because of that, it's important to set a small amount of money aside for treats.  It doesn't have to be a lot.  I put $3 aside each week to spend on Instant Kiwis, cos they are my 'little happy'.  Yours might be chocolate or coffee, Sunday fish 'n' chips or a bottle of wine.  Whatever it is, it's important to make sure there is still room for a little sunshine in your budget.  Even if it's just 50 cents worth of sunshine.

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

So those are my tips for Money Week - sorry I don't have any for Fashion Week.  Being a stay at home Mum I pretty much live in pyjamas these days...  Combo tip: $5 PJ bottoms from The Warehouse's online store - you probably shouldn't wear them to any Fashion Week runway shows though...


* We're not proper poor - but we would be if we didn't budget and watch our spending pretty closely.

** I have HEAPS of money saving tips for grocery shopping/eating - will write a blog just about that some time soon.

On 'Nesting'

     A shelf!  It wasn't there before...  Easier to install than making a baby that's for sure!

I didn't do the whole 'nesting' thing when I was pregnant.  I felt like crap for most of my pregnancy.  I found out I was pregnant a week after having abdominal surgery, so early on in my pregnancy I couldn't even do many simple things.  And from five months in I had hip dysplasia, so cleaning like vacuuming and mopping weren't an option, let alone scrubbing floors, laying gardens or painting a baby's room.  The day before Etta was born I wiped down and tidied our coffee and tea shelves.  And earlier that week I picked up the carseat (thank goodness) and done a larger-than-normal grocery shop with help from my Mum.  That was my pregnancy 'nesting' spree.

And immediately after Etta was born I was recovering from another surgery.  So, again, 'nesting' wasn't really on the cards.  I had difficulty even managing the basics of looking after Etta - so anything requiring more energy than that was a no go.  And with her being a little early, from the outside looking in it would have seemed there was a lot to do.  There was a cot still in pieces.  There was no walking room in the 'baby' room.  Nothing was decorated.  Nothing was baby proofed.  But when we brought her home, we realised pretty quickly that none of that stuff really mattered.  We had a carseat to take her home in, we had a basinette for her to sleep in, we had nappies and clothes and food for us to eat - you honestly don't need to be much more organised than that*.

And while I recovered from surgery and got used to being a new Mum, that stuff still didn't matter.  But once I became comfortable in the role of stay-at-home-Mum and was no longer paranoid that my baby would die if I stopped watching her, I became super conscious of what needed doing around the house.  The nesting bug had finally arrived!  It had very little to do with the baby though.

Being home most of the time makes you hyper aware of the space you live in.  And given time and a little boredom, it was a no brainer that at some point I'd try to improve it.  Our kitchen finally got the extra shelves I've been meaning to put up for herbs and spices - they aren't installed well, but they're sturdy and they work.  Our TV has (finally) been centred.  Our window seat has been cleared of junk and soon I'll be installing hooks to put our hat collection up on the wall.  At some point in time, for possibly the first time in my life, my living room might not be cluttered.

Most parents would be fussing over the baby's room.  But for now, Etta sleeps in our room, so her room is only used for changing her and storage.  Most 'proper' nursery's make me want to puke.  We grew up in rentals, so even painting a room was not an option - if you had your own room, that was awesome.  And I've always avoided babies like the plague, so pastel painted baby centric spaces are completely unfamiliar territory to me.  Pastels?  Blaaagh!  White everything (outside of gallery space)?  Blaaagh!  Themed anything?  Are you kidding?  It's not for me.  Etta's room is getting new Hannah-treated (dyed and painted) curtains, and an edging supplied from my wallpaper collection.  Her room has a BUTTLOAD of fabulous, bright, child friendly artwork from fabulous artists in it.  It doesn't need anything else, besides which there's no rush - she isn't even going to be living in there for at least another three months.

 My main baby 'nesting' has been sorting her clothes as she grows into and out of things.  I've worked out that at this age babies need very little in the way of clothing.  All she needs is three sleep suits (changing into bed clothes are part of our bedtime routine), three pairs of leggings, three merinos, three or four day changes, some warm things, socks and hats.  We have a proper dresser for her, and were given so much clothing that both it, and her wardrobe was full!  I've culled it back to what we need and we've given/are giving the rest away.  Less clothes means washing/dressing/organising is so much easier, and I don't believe in treating babies like living dolls anyway, so it just seems sensible.  There is so much room in the dresser now that we have everything in the next size up in the bottom drawers so we can work out what we want from that lot when she grows into it, and will cull the rest.

The other thing I've culled are her toys...  We've selected a few age appropriate things to keep out.  All the excess (oversized) soft toys - including many I've made in my past life as a knitting/designer will go to live in a brightly coloured Tibetan tent given us by a friend, which is to be tidily suspended from her ceiling.**  But seriously, babies don't need much besides loving parents, and it's important for us that Etta learns values outside of consumerism and materiality.  And I don't want to spend my future days tripping over and picking up hundreds of unnecessary, seldom played with toys.

And we're culling our things too.  I made Murray sort through his clothes the other day and get rid of everything he didn't fit or didn't wear.  It was a revelation to him - he's never done it.  He reckons he still had every pair of jeans he'd ever bought - not any more!  We have so much more room in the closet and he rediscovered a couple of items he didn't even know he had.  I try and do this myself every six months or so.

It's going to take some time but one day, maybe even this year our entire house will be decluttered.  I'm hoping we manage this before Etta learns how to walk, as the less stuff we have out, the less destruction will be left in her wake.  And the less random things about, the less likely she is going to be to choke on them.  I guess at the end of the day, it is all about the baby after all.  But as a new Mum pretty much everything in my life is...

* You don't really need the basinette either - you can easily sleep your baby in a box, or a drawer - check out the awesome pack new Mum's get in Finland from the government.

** This in itself, is the PERFECT small baby toy.  Brightly coloured, covered in mirrors and suspended from the ceiling, no baby could help but stare at it.

                                     Etta in our newly tidied window seat with friends.