On My 100 Days Project

This is a quick post cos IT'S DAY ONE OF THIS PROJECT.  Luckily for me the planets have aligned and there will be someone else home tomorrow to help mind the midget which makes starting seem slightly more achievable.

So I already enlightened you fullas on the reasons why I was doing this in my last post but only hinted at what it would be.

Watch this:

. 

You kinda need to watch the whole series to really get why this is inspiring, but you probably get the general idea.

No, I don't want to put my life at risk for art or science.  But I do want to do ridiculous things as dictated by my interpretation of my daily horoscope.  Because ever since I first saw Dave Gorman's Important Astrological Experiment I haven't been able to stop thinking about it.  Bless and damn you Josh Knight!

Like Dave Gorman, I'm gonna go with the multi-horoscope approach, because otherwise it'd just be boring.  I'm simplifying 20 down to 5 though cos I just won't have time to read 20 horoscopes, formulate a plan and execute it every  day.  I am choosing to use what I consider to be pretty every day places to find your horoscope: The NZ Herald, Stuff, Woman's Weekly, Facebook and The Daily Mail.

From this, I plan to craft an art object of some kind from stuff around the house.

Today's five horoscopes say this:

NZ Herald:

Lions love to be in the public spotlight but today's stars encourage you to slow down and spend some quality time on your own. Solitude is soul food for you at the moment.

Stuff:

The proverb goes: Honey is sweet, but the bees sting. Today you'll take a calculated risk in order to taste the good side of life. The potential danger isn't too great, so go for it.

NZ Woman's Weekly:

There is a chance today to look more closely at the amount of give and take in your life, whether it's at work, in your social life or at home, with your emotional and intuitive responses to things likely to reveal where you may be doing too much for others, at the expense of your own needs. In the meantime, as the Moon returns to your work sector ahead of tomorrow's Full Moon there's a need to keep your finger on the pulse and your ear to the ground, especially on the work front.

Facebook

You have an incredibly strong influence on others just by virtue of the fact of your fun-loving, peaceful, and harmonious nature, Leo. Your natural charm will take you any place you want to go today, so feel free to use it at will. Accentuate the positive and make sure you're walking on the sunny side of the street. Whistle as you walk down the sidewalk and get out into the light.

The Daily Mail:
Highwaymen were once the scourge of the road network. With their dark hats, masks and horses, they terrorised travellers, forcing their carriages to a halt and declaring, 'Stand and deliver, your money or your life.' Yet whilst there may be many issues that concern the modern motorist, and plenty of wise preparations that should be taken before anyone goes for a drive, nobody nowadays worries about a problem like that. Is there a fearful reservation that is unnerving you, even though it is equally irrelevant?

So based on what this wise advice is telling me, today I will attempt to make honey flavoured whistlepops in solitude ie: without a recipe, and then I will dress like a highwayman and try to give them away for something in return.

Let's see how that goes.  Wish me luck.  I will need a lot of it.

On art or not to art

 

                                            The art of Robocake                                                              The art of DIY apothecary

 The art of fridge display

So, you know how recently I posted about Etta sleeping through the night and me having time to do more fun stuff?

Well, that was short lived as Etta's had a cold for about a week and her sleep has reverted to waking two to six times a night.  Babies huh?  Can't live with 'em, can't continue the human race without 'em.

And before that happened, I made a decision to take part in something to help encourage me to try and be more creative.  So I thought the perfect place to start was with the 100 Days Project.  Back in my prior life as an art student, many of my earlier projects (2nd year painting) were focused around the repetition of a certain thing daily (or hourly) in a set time frame.  So this appeals.  Also, the scope is broad enough that I can pretty much make it work for me.  Initially, I set my sights low (make and photograph a cup of tea a day - talking about the importance of self care), but then decided it wouldn't really push my brain much, so I've decided to be just slightly more ambitious.

I argue with myself a LOT over whether to make art or not in general.  In light of having made a person, it now seems trite.  I stopped writing poetry because it just seemed lame.  Please don't take offense my poetry peoples I'm just being honest.  Post-Etta I'm just not in the head space to write apart from stuff like this.  It just doesn't make sense to me any more.  It may be temporary.  And it's not writers block, it's a gut wrenching aversion to writing poetry (as in if I try, I feel like puking on myself in shame).

And making art feels similar, but not the same.  There is still fun in 'making' for me, but there is no fun in 'wanking'.  By this I mean I enjoy the act of doing and creating, but I have absolutely no desire to put it into a social framework, or seriously look at art that does that.  This is not just cos I have no brain (although I'm sure it's a part of it), but also that I'm finding it hard to dedicate thought to something as esoteric as fine art.

Because at the moment, my life is too basic.  It is about eating, sleeping, working, surviving.  And with an election coming up, and even The Lego Movie taking the piss about NZd's poverty situation (right around 1.27, sorry, couldn't find a shorter clip), I feel like I have bigger things to worry about than whether people can view my knitted vibrators within the context I've created around them.  And I'm not one of those romantic people who think that art can change the world (sorry, I'm an asshole).  I'm more of a food sharing on social media type.  I'm a teach-people-how-to-grow-and-cook-food type.  I'm more a lets-change-the-world-by-voting-and-actions-and-education type.  And I knit vibrators.  That's not going to help with the poverty.  Trust me. 

I still enjoy art discourse, and am grateful I am still a little in the loop with being lucky enough to contribute to Ngaio Rue's Rework (which I encourage you all to read and comment on).  But it's hard for me to see it's validity in the same way as I did pre-Etta.  Most of my brain is dedicated to deciphering Auckland's ridiculous weather patterns in order to get nappies dry, and how to distract a baby while you cut it's claws, and working out meals we can all eat, and budgeting, and if I do X many hours of extra work what cool family thing can we do.  Which probably seems banal and boring.  But I guess I like being banal and boring.

I think that many people post art school with borderline practices, or non practices still feel this pressure to create.  I have spent a little time trying to reconcile this myself having dedicated four years to study, and much time to exhibition organising, writing, crafting and zineing since.  But the conclusion I've come to is that I utilise all these things, and all these aspects of me in my daily life, so I don't feel like I need (much of) another outlet.

I make up (and sing) stupid songs.  I build cool stuff with blocks.  I make yum (and pretty) foods.  I bake.  I play Etta's xylophone.  I work out creative ways to manage exhaustion (ie: fueling on coffee and sugar and bad films to stay awake - not hugely different from art school except that coffee used to be booze).  I engage in discourse around pirates with the Wiggles.  Basically, my life is just one giant arts party.

But I guess most of that party is being thrown for someone else.  Maybe.  I'm not totally sure on that one.  But it will probably be good for my brain if I try and focus some of that creativity on something a little more 'real world art'.  As practice.  For if I want to rejoin the grown up world some day.

So watch this space... I promise you there will be fun things to follow.  The only hint I'll give you as to what form my 100 Days Project (which starts on Friday) will take is this: DGIAE...

to be continued...

For new Mums/Mums to be

Day 1 of being a Mum - totally clueless

 

I know a few people in this position, and while I's sure I've said all this before, I thought maybe it needed a summary. 

And instead of being a crazy person and writing epic cards to everyone I know in this position containing some of this information, I thought hey, I'll just blog it.  Cos I'm tired and time-poor.  (If you have no brain due to new baby, just skip to the quick paragraph in italics at the end.)

First I want to say take all this advice with a grain of salt because EVERYONE will try and give you advice when you become a Mum.  Most people that give you advice (like me) is not a professional at child rearing.  They also do not live your life, or know what it's like to be in your skin.  So most advice is not actually aimed at you.  Most advice givers (like me) are doing it for themselves.  Because they want to be of use and because they care about you (or in the case of street weirdos, probably just your infant).  Everyone's experience with motherhood will differ so the advice will differ, and not all of it will work for you or your child.  Try to only take on board what makes sense to you.

If you are overwhelmed by too much advice (I was) I recommend just tuning out when people try and give it to you.  Just nod, and sing a catchy song in your head.  Appear to be listening, but really, don't.  Enjoy that song in your head.  Make it a happy song.  Try not to sing it out loud, it will seem like you're not listening and you'll blow the ruse. 

Becoming a Mum can flip everything you know on it's ear, so be kind to yourself.  It is like starting at a job you have no experience in and will have to do for the rest of your life.  You will make mistakes.  You will not have all the answers.  You will be ok.  Your expectations of what you would be like as a parent may not match up to the reality.  You may have thought you'd never wear a sling, but find yourself suddenly with a baby strapped to you.  You may have thought you'd be starting Playcentre when the baby was a few months old but instead find yourself crying on the couch and eating Tim tams.  That's totally normal.  When mapping out motherhood pre-baby there are a lot of outliers you probably won't have taken into account.  Like exhaustion, crazy hormones, loss of your sense of self, or changes within your relationship with your partner.  You may experience none of these, or all of these.  Either way, be nice to yourself.  Your kid is fed?  Yes.  Your kid is wearing clothes?  Yes.  Your child is not in the fridge?  Yes.  You are a good parent. 

Accept all offers of help.  And by help, I mean things that actually are helpful to you.  If you have an anxiety disorder (like me) and someone offers to clean your house and you are terrified of this and it will make you have a panic attack, this is not going to be helpful to you, so decline.  Your friend means well, but they are trying to be helpful cos they care about you, not cos they want to clean your house.  I am terrible at asking for help, but am becoming better at accepting offers of help.  So if someone offers help that is not actually helpful, maybe ask for a similar alternative that may actually be helpful to you.  So if someone offers to cook you a meal but your fridge and freezer are so full already it'll just be a nuisance - ask if maybe you can take them up on the offer later, when the cupboards are bare and you are crying from hunger.  It truly does take a village to raise a child so don't feel like you have to do everything by yourself.  You are not weak if you need help, you are human.  People know this.  This is why they want to help. 

Remember that it's not just you who is going through a whole lot of craziness - but if you have a partner, or your baby has a baby-Daddy, they will likely be feeling a bit crazy too.  And while we have the hormones which usually push us into a biological closeness with the kid (they might not, this is also normal, don't worry), they don't, and may feel left out.  And they will (usually) feel an obligation to support you through what is a known cray-cray for the Mum time.  So may be feeling overwhelmed.  They need support too.  And it may be hard for you to give to them as you are already gonna be looking after a new, completely dependent little person, so it's really important that they have people to talk to.  It might be just someone to go have a beer with, or to play board games with.  It might be a therapist.  Whatever works for them.  Just make sure they have someone to talk to so they don't suddenly wig out.  That will be bad for everyone.

This is the thing I still struggle with, but it's important to know all the same - put you and your family first.  Try not to feel guilty about it.  Sometimes this means missing important broader family events, birthdays, Christmas do's just in order to sleep after a night of no sleep.  Don't demean your needs.  They are valid.  Feeling not completely insane from lack of sleep makes parenting easier.  Doing this makes you a good parent.  In the early days, it's really just about survival.  Most people will understand that you have a good reason to miss your Uncle's cousins dogs thirteenth birthday.

Try to ignore the expectations and comparisons of others.  This is hard.  All babies are not the same.  They will learn things at different paces and in different ways.  Your baby is not retarded just cos it's not crawling at X months old.  If you are worried, talk to professionals like your GP or Plunket.  And try not to compare yourself with others.  There are sooo many ways to raise a kid, not just one right way.  Do what works within your framework of beliefs and values, and do what works for your child.  Don't worry if it conflicts with what your friends or family are doing, or the 'rules' of a certain ideology of child rearing.  Whatever works for you is good.  Do that.

If you are like me, try not to get caught up in your head.  The best way to do this is to get back into your body.  Do something simple like have a shower or a bath and really focus on each part of your body as you get clean.*  Find someone to mind your baby for even just ten or fifteen minutes and go for a walk (or a run if you do that sort of thing).  Think about your breathing.  Drink a coffee alone somewhere.  Enjoy it.  Your head can be a dangerous place to live.  Taking a break for a bit every now and then can give you some perspective and make things feel a little simpler. 

There.  I said the things.

Here is the summary for those of you who have no brains cos babies: 

So you've decided to become a Mum.  It's hard.  Really fucking hard.  It will make you crazy - but being crazy is normal.  Everyone knows this so they will try and help.  Ignore all unhelpful help.  Do what works for you.  Get support when you (and your partner/baby-Daddy) need it and be nice to yourself.  Also, chocolate.

* As and when possible, of course 

A quick catch up

Me with sprog just before work (Video Ezy shirt under jersey)

Hi blog!  I missed you

There are important things I want to write about, but I just don't have the brain at the moment.  So I thought I'd just write a catch up on life blog to lubricate that brain muscle for better things to come in the near future.

So why haven't I been blogging?  Well, besides the usual laziness there are a couple of legitimate reasons.  Firstly, I've been sleeping.  Basically every time Etta naps, I try and nap to catch up on all the not sleeping I've done over night.  Before going back onto antianxiety meds this wasn't possible, but now it is, it's really hard not to take those opportunities to rest for a while.

Because being a Mum is tiring.  And being on drugs that help make me not crazy is tired making.  And not being anxious means I'm not going to freak out about every little thing around the house not being done, so not only can I sleep, but I don't beat myself up about not using my time more wisely.  Cos sleeping is wise.  And being not anxious gives me clarity to be logical about it.
The second reason is that I've gone back to part time work.

Why have I gone back?  To be honest, it's mostly because the opportunity presented itself.  Because Auckland is a small, serendipitous world, we live a few houses down from my old boss.  Consequently, I've run into him a few times in the hood so he's aware that I'm sprogged up.  And when some stuff came up at work, he thought I might like it.  At the time he offered I wasn't quite ready to go back.  But awesomely, he basically said there would be a part time job for me whenever I was ready.  Hence my return to the exciting world of Video Ezy Pt Chevalier.

And it's PERFECT!  I loved that job.  It's simple.  It's minimal responsibility, maximum fun and requires little brain.  I also love that boss.*  He's pretty much my age and a choice guy, so working for him is no stress.  Which is good.  Cos I have no room for stress.
So I work on Sunday's and Murray minds Etta, which has been brilliant for other reasons.  The selfish reason is that it's enabled Murray to understand what it is to have to look after Etta for a whole day, and how tiring it can be.  The less selfish reason is that it helps me understand how much Murray must miss her while he's at work, and the huge sacrifice he makes for our family every day going to work.  So I think it's strengthened our respect for one another, and helped make our family unit a bit closer.
It's also helped Etta be a little more self reliant.  I often pick up extra shifts and she's minded by the sitting team of my Mum, Murray's Mum and (of course) Murray.  And (of course) bonus money has helped relieve a little financial pressure.  It's not much, but it means we can put a bit more into savings, and have a little more beer and skittles, and a little less worry about the future.
And I feel like I have more independence.  Simple things like catching the bus without a pram have initially felt really odd, but over time have helped me feel like a separate entity again.  I talk to humans outside of the home.  It's great!
And, of course, there's the free movies.  I don't have time to watch them with all the sleep I need to do, but it'll happen eventually.

In fact, it's starting to happen now.  Because Etta has started to (sometimes) sleep through the night.  Last week I managed about five nights where I got five or more hours of consecutive sleep.  That's a serious miracle.  I do think her newfound self reliance has a big role to play in this sleep magic and for this I am also thankful to be back at work.
So now I will start training myself not to sleep during her naps.  And once I've got that down, who knows what I'll achieve?  I'm hoping it means I can blog more often.  Hell, maybe I'll even do something amazing, like bake a lasagne.  Or watch a movie.

* not in a sexy way.  Nicole and Murray, you have nothing to worry about.

On the aftermath of pregnancy

C section scar starting to fade in parts, and stretch marks?  Hardly.

I just realised I haven't really written about this yet, and with Etta being almost one thought it was high time that I did.  Given that I walked you through the horror that was my pregnancy and labour (a fairly standard horror I'd say), I thought it best I should warn you about what comes next.

And this warning may be messy as the first, and probably most consistent thing, is sleep deprivation.

There is a reason why this is used as a torture technique - lack of sleep actually hurts.  There are still days where I cry simply because I am exhausted and can't rest, and there is no end to this torture in sight.  Because while I have a wonderful, thoughtful, cute and amazing child she (not unlike her mother) is yet to unravel the mystery of consistent sleep.  I can't hold this against her as sleep patterns are hereditary and I'm a pretty awful sleeper.  So her inability to sleep is mostly my fault really*.

Lack of sleep physically hurts, and also hurts your brain.  My brain is still in a post-pregnancy fog, and Etta is almost a year old!  The only reason I am writing this blog today is because I got 5 HOURS OF SOLID SLEEP LAST NIGHT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 9 MONTHS!  And that was probably only because Etta has a cold.  I applaud all mothers (and fathers) who return to work early and manage to not get fired or have a nervous breakdown.  I have just started working part time in my old-old job (yay for Video Ezy), and this is going ok.  But it's only because it's a job that I did for years that requires little of my brain and I don't have to take work home with me.  I don't know how people manage to teach, write novels or do surgery when they have a small child.  Those people need trophies.

Back in my early 20's, friends and I who were (and still are) a pretty un-PC bunch used to refer to post-baby lady bits as 'train-wreck vagina' or 'wreckage cunt'.  And although we were yet to experience the wonder of parenthood ourselves, I have to say, we were not far wrong.  Even though I didn't quite make it to a vaginal delivery (almost!) I did manage to wreck my vagina.  Sex is only just now becoming not painful.  It took nine months to get to that point.  Nine months people.  No one tells you this stuff!

Etta got stuck in my vagina, so even though she didn't and up exiting that way, she messed it around some when she attempted to come out face-first.  I've retrospectively discovered that both myself and my mother also came into the world in this fashion, and Etta's entrance was by far the least traumatic - Grandma almost died and my Mum, after several hours of pushing was snipped big time by Dr's to help 'get me around the corner'.  I don't need to go into details of Mum's gynae health subsequently - I'll just say it's been tough times.  So even though things have been bad in my lady parts, I suspect they could have been much worse had I not lucked into the conservative surgeon who opted for C Section.  Makes no-sex-for-nine-months seems like a present.

Please don't let this freak you out too much!  My body has always been a little slow to heal, and I know a bazillion other people that never had a problem (hello babies with 16 month age gaps, what?)  But this problem is fairly common.  And in all honesty, the post-baby hormones were screaming for me to not have sex (probably cos it didn't want to be wrecked further by another baby).  I had no libido until recently.  None.  And I was (and am) exhausted.  So I was (unsurprisingly) not super keen on sex (poor Murray).  So if you don't want to have sex straight after having a baby, try not to beat yourself up about it.  It's pretty normal.  And if you do want to then go you!  You (and your partner) are lucky.  Have fun with the sexy sexy times.  Just beware that the old wives tales lie - you can get knocked up while breastfeeding.  So if you don't want to get knocked up, use some kind of protection.

With the slow healing plus Caesar came other post Etta complications I was not expecting.  The first being that the C Section scar really, really hurt for a really, really long time.  The reason it was common to find me in my jim jam pants at home is because wearing proper adult pants rubbed my scar and hurt.**  I wore those gross, giant-K mart-a-size-too-big-pregnancy-knickers for about the first six months so my undies didn't rub on the scar.  It's pretty good now, and the scar is slowly turning into that normal white line, and I am glad.  Trust me, this isn't about looks -  I think scars are cool, but I don't like being hurt by clothes.

In the looks department the biggest change has been that I actually started going grey!  I thought Murray was wrong (he thinks there are only four colours) so completely ignored him when he first told me, then I checked, and it was true!  Surprising for me cos I still don't even feel like an adult, and I still get IDed when buying booze and scratchies.  How can someone forever young get grey hair?  It's sleep deprivation I tell you.  I am glad to say that pregnancy affected me less than puberty in terms of stretch marks.  Maybe it's cos I already got my allotment, but I only have a few on my tummy, and not much more on my boobs than was there before.  So that's nice.  Again, no biggie to me anyways - stretchmarks are just like scars, and scars are cool in my book.  Make up a story.  Shark attack, bus accident, conjoined twin - it'll be sweet.

One thing I wasn't expecting was more due to the C Section being my third abdominal surgery in a short period of time - my core strength was screwed.  This seems like a small complaint until you experience it.  Going from being a normal, healthy person with pretty good strength and balance to someone who can't stand up from a crouch feels weird.  And it's also dangerous when learning about carrying babies - I nearly dropped Etta from becoming unbalanced a few times.  I am kinda grateful my back was so bad during pregnancy so I had a change table - I would have been pretty screwed without one.  The best way to fix this was through light exercise - walking and running with the pram (when I finally had enough energy/motivation) got this to come right pretty quick smart.

 Physical changes aside, the biggest change has been in my outlook.  I will never view the world the same way again.  My priorities are, and will always be, different to what they used to be.  I will never judge another person's parenting again as I've learned that an ideal, and what is practical are two very different things.   I can never live up to my former expectations of what a parent does.

I am learning to live with letting people down.  This is hard as a former people-pleaser but I know I need to put my daughter, my family and my sanity first at all times.  This often impacts on my broader circle of people.  It doesn't mean I care for those people any less, and I am grateful that those closest to me know and understand this.  But I still feel bad.  Not only for them, but for me.  Because I miss being social, and going out, and eating food, and drinking wine and feeling like a separate human entity.  But if I'm worried about my child, or exhausted, I can't enjoy doing those things anyway, so I'm better off at home.

And in spite of all these changes, I don't feel like a different person.  Because I am still myself.  I still say really inappropriate things at inappropriate times.  I still love cooking and animals and bad TV.  I'm just a tired me with a different job which is all encompassing.  Yes, the subject matter I talk about has changed - but my job has changed.  And it's not like my old job where I could avoid checking my emails - I'm at work 24/7 every day for the rest of my life.  I can't just switch it off. 

And I love it.  It's seriously the best thing that's ever happened to me.  Because nothing else will ever teach me as much as becoming a parent has and will.  And because we made the coolest person.  She's smart, cute, funny and really social.  She is a little different (mega tall, Wolverine style healing abilities, super bendy and will be late to walk) but pretty much every baby is in one way or another, and it makes them all the more awesome.  Bum crawling is hilarious.  I laugh every day.  Pregnancy and sleep deprivation are a bitch but so worth it for the life I have now.

Our first Mothers Day (with Etta on the outside)

* If only she had inherited sleep from her father - he can fall asleep mid conversation.  Frustrating at times, but a pretty awesome skill nonetheless.

** This no longer hurts, but you will still find me in my jim jams because I can.  And why wouldn't I?  And if you find me in PJ pants it means that I like you - I am comfortable enough with you not to even put pants on.  That means you're pretty cool.  Go on, give yourself a hug.