On How To Look Good Like Me Part 1: Skin and Hair

I had a thought this morning as I got myself ready for the day. That thought was I look pretty damn awesome for 30. I wondered if you folks would like to know my tips for how to look awesome like me, so I thought I’d share them with you. This will be a two part blog as it involves a lot of complicated stuff. Today’s main focus is how to look young. Follow these easy tips and people will mistake your face for a baby’s arse.

Firstly: the skin.
I have pretty awesome skin aging-wise. I still get ID’d at bars and at supermarkets sometimes. It’s the only reason I have a license. Having skin like this doesn’t come easy. It takes hard work, sacrifice and a stringent routine. The hard work part is remembering the routine, and the sacrifice is looking like a grown up person. Also it takes good genes. Make sure your mum and dad don't look like raisins at 30. I don't know how you can pick your parents, but work it out - it's a must have item in the wardrobe of your face.

I have extreme white person skin. This means that I have to work extra hard to make sure I don’t get cancer or old people skin. My skin is like my mum and Grandma's, which means it reacts to stuff (clearly not enough effort spent in parent picking). And I’m a cheap arse, so I only buy products that cost less than going to the cinema. I use Olay for sensitive skin as my daily moisturiser. It’s cheap, it comes from the supermarket, and my skin doesn’t react to it. I use a Dove cleanser/toner also from the supermarket. My night and my eye cream come from Avon. The eye cream is the most expensive beauty type thing I own, but I can see that now I’m 30, if I don’t do something that area is going to wrinkle.

My routine is this: Morning – Wash face with cleanser/toner. Moisurise with a moisturiser that is also SPF15+. Put on special eye moisturiser stuff. Put on lip balm.
Night – Wash face again. Put on night time moisturiser. Put on lip balm.
Every day – Use sunscreen – especially on the décolletage area.
On occasion – Use a face mask thingee. This is just for fun.

Now on to applying make-up. I own some. I got mascara and some eye liners and some tester lipsticks from when I was an Avon lady (hilarious move), but I only use them for special occasions. I don’t even own a foundation. The only make-up I use on a daily basis is eyebrow pencil. This is just because I haven’t really got proper eyebrows, so I feel the need to draw some on. If you have eyebrows, this part of my routine is unnecessary for you. Aside from this, not wearing make-up means you can get ready for work quicker, and people think you are younger cos if you get pimples then people can see them. TV teaches us that only teenagers have pimples, therefore you must look younger if you aren’t wearing make-up.

Secondly: the hair. Getting hair like mine takes real skill. Part of that skill entails having no skills; never learning how to use a hair dryer, hair curlers or straighteners is a must. The other part is realising that hair is just hair and it grows back. This realisation enables you to cut your own hair into styles only you could achieve (cos hairdressers lack the creative vision let you leave a salon looking like that.)

You have to have the confidence to wear whatever the outcome with pride. Trust me, I've pulled off some amazingly bad haircuts. I once accidentally cut one of my sideburns off. On a short style so it was completely visible. So I fixed it by shaving it off totally, then shaving off the other side to match. Totally good solution apart from looking like I meant to do it so it looked like a hipster cut. And then it was fashion, so really, an accidental win for all.

For keeping your hair in the fab condition mine is in I recommend: a) Shampooing and conditioning with stuff that you aren't allergic to (I use Sunsilk) about three times a week
b) Regular homestyled haircuts (6 weekly minimum)
c) Not using hair dye
d) Some kind of keratin based product for super shine.

It's also good to have some tools on hand, but the best tools are the basics: a sharp pair of scissors, some bobby clips a comb and a mirror. I choose to cut my hair in styles that are low maintenance, and morph into new styles when you apply zero maintenance. If I sleep on my hair wet I'll get an afro style. If I damp and pin my hair a little it straightens it. Versatility is good.

The best thing about spending almost nothing on the upkeep of your hair, and next to nothing on make-up is that you can spend it on other things. Not having haircuts can save you up to $480 a year. Not dying your hair (based on home dyeing) saves you around $100 a year. Not buying make-up could save you some amount I don't know cos I never used it, but probably around $300. That's almost $900! That's at least enough for a tiny holiday, like a three day in Wellington holiday. Or a bunch of fun things like wine tours on Waiheke and fancy dinners and swanky dates in hotels. These things are important cos less stress means less wrinkles and prettier hair. And also maybe staying in a hotel.

So that concludes Part 1 of How To Look Good Like Me. Next time I'll share my tips on fashion, dressing yourself and perfecting 'The Walk'.

On the short shorts dilemma

Happy New Year! I know I’ve been slack. I thought I’d post a little blog about short shorts, as it was a topic which brought with it much debate on Facebook earlier this week. My exact post was this:

‘Witnessed butt cheek walking to work this morning. This girl’s shorts were SO short that every time she moved her leg you could see butt. Glad it was a nice butt. For future knowledge, in this situation should you tell said person you can see their butt? Or is it implicit that they are already aware of this?’

This post elicited 61 comments. The first few comments were from female friends instructing me that I shouldn’t tell her that I can see her butt, that this is, in fact, the intended fashion. Now, her shorts were not quite as short as those in the images above, but that was about the amount of her butt that I could see as she took each step forward. It’s quite a bit of butt.

It is because I wear short shorts myself that I wanted to know what the protocol around buttocks is. It is not my intention to show my buttocks to strangers (even though I am quite fond of my bootiliciousness, cellulite and all) via short shorts. I wear short shorts as it is Summer and it is hot, and I run around all day for a job and skirts and dresses look bad with running shoes. BUT, if you can see my butt, please let me know. I would feel as embarrassed about my visible buttocks as if one of my boobs accidentally fell out of my top and I somehow didn’t notice (I know someone this has happened to. It can happen).

It is also very easy to not know that your butt is showing in short shorts because:

a) Dressing rooms and mirrors are ill-equipped for a proper short shorts butt check and we don’t all shop with our mates, or get our mates to check our arses when we walk.

b) Sometimes we put on weight on our bouncy back bits and don’t notice…

c) Shorts ride up. Front and back. This can also create the dreaded camel toe.

I think the comment that started the real debate (which was about freedom of expression vs children being exposed to sexually charged ideas to early) was from Peter:

‘i find it interesting here its women regulating the bodies of other women , honestly shouldnt they do it any way they want as long as it aint Genitalia?’

Regulating the bodies of other women was not my intention by the post. My intention was purely to find out the protocol around buttock bearing. I know it goes against most people’s sense of decency to wear a top so low cut that you can see the areola, I wondered if this protocol extended to butt cheeks, as this would be my assumption.

I thought I’d check out NZ law around nudity to support my point about publicly displayed buttocks and I found this website. It turns out there is no law in New Zealand which bans partial or full nudity, unless it is accompanied by ‘obscenity’. ‘Obscenity’ is a fairly subjective term. Some may find the display of buttocks via short shorts obscene, some may not. So the law is really not designed for such petty things as the control of short shorts.

So I then scoured the internet to see whether I could find an article about fashion and dressing etiquette and I have to say, the pickings were slim. I found lots of articles on how to dress for a black tie event, and some poorly written blogs, but nothing especially helpful. I found this: an article on a study of how men respond to women based on how they are dressed in nightclubs.

‘Any more than 40 per cent and the signal changes from ‘allure’ to one indicating general availability and future infidelity. Show some leg, show some arm, but not any more than that.’

By ‘not any more than that’ I’m sure they mean no butt. So putting together two and two from this article, and the fact that we women appear to be 'regulating' seeing buttocks on the street, I'd say naked butt is quite probably off-putting to many. I guess the reason I had difficulty finding any article about the protocol of arse in public is due to the general assumption that most of us know not to display our backsides in public like baboons. I think the only thing clouding our logic here are the artificial, media driven 21st century ‘Gods’ fashion and celebrity.

I know the kids these days are doing it because those they most want to emulate are doing it: Katy Perry, Rihanna, Lady Gaga and even Hannah Montana have recently sported some pretty public butt. And fashion trends follow the celebs, and the cool kids follow the fashion trends and everyone wants to be cool. But just as we don’t expect people on the street to be wearing Haute Couture, or to turn up at a wedding and find the bride dressed in this, we don’t expect to see naked buttocks on Symonds Street overbridge at 8.30am. If you can ever see my butt in short shorts I assure you, it will be because I got fat. Please tell me. I will not be offended, I will just feel like a bit of a dick.