So last weekend Roe VS Wade was overturned.
It's hard to find the words to describe how sad and angry this makes me. But struggling to articulate my feelings does not mean I don't care. I care greatly about this atrocity and the impact it has on all of us. Overwhelmingly so.
I care because even though this is not happening here in Aotearoa it effects me. And I believe if you are a woman, a queer person or represent any group marginalised by society, this effects you too.
For me, queer rights and feminism go hand in hand.
In the Merriam Webster dictionary feminism is defined as:
Belief in and advocacy of the political, economic and social equality of the sexes.
Such an amazing book - I highly recommend it
It's pretty much just intersectional feminism which in my way of thinking, is the only feminism truly focused on equality.
And while I am comfortable being gendered as a woman today, I certainly haven't always felt that way. I grew up for the most part in small-town, rural New Zealand in the 80's and 90's. And whilst I'm aware of how this has shaped me I was recently reminded of the gravity of this impact while reading Hannah Gadsby's Ten Steps To Nanette.
Her perception of growing up in Tasmania during the same time period is not dissimilar from mine. We both lived in places where gender roles were fairly well set in concrete. The men did physical labour for long hours while the women managed the house and the childcare. Sometimes the women also did the hard, physical labour - it's often just a necessary part of farm life - but their efforts were always considered supplementary to that of the men. While in Gadsby's case, her upbringing implanted a deep hatred of her own queerness, my upbringing implanted a deep hatred of my gender.
Because of what I witnessed at home, being a woman was never of any interest to me. I associated womanhood with subservience. My own home was ruled by my father. It was his way or the highway. Not understanding the complexity that is domestic violence I struggled to empathise with my mother. To me, the dysfunction of our home was quite obvious so I could not understand why she didn't just leave. I perceived her as weak.
This association became further entrenched when I moved to a larger school. Around age eleven I watched something of a shift as girls moved to the margins of play. Instead they sat around talking or playing elastics. I did not understand this culture. I wanted to keep on playing handball like I'd always done. So I did. I played handball with the boys a few years younger than me and the few girls who also did not fit in. We were definitely not cool.
At that time, we would have been called 'tomboys'**.
The very idea that I could be a different gender from what I was labeled at birth was foreign to me. 'Transgender' was not a commonly used term when I was young. While I was exposed to aspects of queer culture from a young age, this wasn't part of it. Yes, there was a little girl born as a boy in the community we grew up in***. She was my brothers age and was clearly trans from as soon as she could communicate. This was accepted by our family who were friends with her mum. But we didn't have the terminology. She was just a little boy who should have been born a girl.
Ken and Ken - I have the BEST retail secret story about them
By my mid 20's I realised that the disillusionment I felt from my proscribed gender actually had very little to do with women. I came to realise this was a carefully crafted experience, a side effect of growing up in a strongly patriarchal society. As a teen in many respects I was a misogynist. Most of my friends were guys - I found them more relatable because they did stuff. Like them, I catcalled women. I condoned their sometimes shitty treatment of their girlfriends. I bought into toxic masculinity because I pitied the condition of being a woman. It was totally fucked up.
So here is my point.
Because of my personal history, I see gender identity and woman's rights as one and the same. My dysfunctional relationship with my biological sex had nothing to do who I was or my behaviour, but with growing up in a world with strongly defined gender roles. If I'd had the language at that time, I may have identified as transmasculine - but maybe not - other than wishing I could stand up to pee I was ok with my body****. I most likely would have identified as gender queer. I think if I were the teen person I was then today, I'd identify as non-binary. I am glad that young people today have vocabulary to express this interior struggle.
What's messed up is that this should never have been a struggle. Feeling as if I didn't belong to my biological sex was a direct result of the patriarchy. Why, as an outspoken, intelligent, active person would I want to identify with a sex I was told was of lower status? As someone who already grew up poor, nerdy and in an unstable home, being a woman was just more shit on the pile. Now, after years of therapy, of study, of reading and engaging with the protest movements of recent history I can see the problem isn't me. It has never been me. For me today, identifying with my biological sex regardless of my outward gender expression is a revolutionary act*****.
I love mixing things up in the looks department and that this is still, and always, me.
It's revolutionary in that it doesn't buy into the notion that women need to be or act a certain way. I can just be myself and whoever that is is what a woman looks like because I am a woman. To me, this alone pokes holes in the patriarchy. My children will hopefully experience the world a little differently than I did. Not just because gay marriage is legal and AIDS is now treatable but because I work my arse off to ensure they know their gender does not determine who they are. They know women can have short hair, or shaved heads. They know that women can be strong and outspoken. They know that women can have jobs and kids and cook and clean if they want to - or not if they don't.
And I can use just the way I look to help other children - particularly those still growing up in strongly gendered environments - question aspects of that thinking.
There are a rainbow of ways to be a woman.
One of our current faves
My children still live within a (shifting) patriarchal system, but I work hard to ensure their experiences around and understanding of gender are vastly different to mine.
What's happening in the US now is scary.
Not just because women will die as a consequence, but because this is just the first step. This is the patriarchy's attempt to quash their opposition. Make no mistake. This is not about abortion. This is not a 'pro-life' position - it's an 'anti-women's rights' one. Gay rights, immigrants rights and religious rights (outside of Christianity) will be next on their agenda.
And as we've seen with the emulation of the 'freedom' protests worldwide, this thinking will be emulated in other places. It will be emulated here. There are no guarantees that if elected a certain leader of the opposition who is openly 'pro-life' will not repeal laws here. And with the backlash against difficult choices in a difficult time, it's highly possible he will be elected.
Just because I am overwhelmed does not mean I am not ready to fight.
Whenever we are teetering on the edge of change, there is a backlash. This is what this is. And to overcome this, we need to work together. Regardless of our gender identity. Regardless of our sexual identity. Regardless of our religious beliefs. If we care about humanity and equality we will support each other in our efforts to fight this hatred and oppression.
I need this world to be a safer one for my daughters than it was for me.
* Yes, it says 'sex' as opposed to 'gender' here. Yes gender is a social construct and sex is biological. But biologically speaking, sex is a spectrum in the same way gender as a social construct is. Advocating for equal rights only for certain sexes or genders feels to me like the antithesis of the definition of feminism - just a patriarchy from a different hegemonic angle. I do not view TERF's as feminists. I cannot see them as anything other than one of the many societal problems caused by the patriarchy. If you aren't advocating for the equality of ALL sexes and gender expressions then in my book, you ain't a feminist.
** I find the concept of 'tomboys' problematic in that it implies that if a girl acts differently to what is expected she is not a girl. This implies that girls are not differentiated from boys due to any physiological differences - but by behaviour. And I find linking behaviours to certain genders problematic because all genders should be allowed to, and are capable of, behaving in many different ways.
When we imply this is not the case we limit people's capacity to experience the world on their terms. Fuck this. Fuck limits. Gendered brain theory has been discredited by many scientists for decades. The only limits imposed on biological sex are social ones. Being a girl who likes sandpits and rugby and cares not for dresses does not make that girl a faux-boy. She is a girl who likes sandpits and rugby and hates dresses. Unless or until she identifies otherwise.
*** She was the first person I knew personally to transition.
**** Not that bodily dysphoria is necessary for someone to identify as trans. I just don't think I ever felt trans.
***** This is how I feel for me. Every person who identifies as trans, non-binary or gender-queer has the right to claim that identity. My choice in my identity is not a commentary on that. I am grateful that the world is moving even a little toward being accepting of these identities, and that my children now actually have a vocabulary to express their experiences of gender.
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