I think I've always espoused feminist values, but couldn't marry those values with my concept of who 'feminists' were. And for a big chunk of my life I had difficulty relating to women - I had to reconcile the fact I was a woman before I could even consider my relationship with feminism.
Little Hannah (in the pink) - Calf Club day out in South Head
I grew up (for the most part) a country girl. In terms of gender typing it meant I got to sit on the fence a bit. I was expected to do all the usual 'girl' things (have long hair, wear dresses, play with dolls, bake and do jobs around the house), but I also got to do regular 'country' stuff - chop kindling, ride bikes, catch fish, drive farm vehicles and do farm jobs. It kinda felt like my family subscribed to the 'girls can do anything so long as they do the dishes' kind of thinking.
While this was good to some extent, I also grew up in a predominantly white, affluent farming area where gender typing was standard. Men who weren't good at farm work were pansies and homos and women who were different from the norm were bitches and sluts. Feminists were lesbos or dykes. Throwing like a girl was a bad thing.
For me, growing up as a girl generally seemed like a bad thing. I didn't fit in well with most other girls. I was an outspoken, imaginative and bright kid. I preferred hanging out with boys from an early age as I felt like boys actually did stuff and girls just sat around and talked. This was reinforced at home where Mum was a passive voice and Dad was anything but. I saw this as a weakness*, and while I loved my Mum I could not relate to her and did not want to grow up to be her.
I hit puberty early and that further estranged me from my female peers. I wasn't aware of it at the time, but boys were now interested in me in a different way and some girls perceived me as a threat. Though I had always been bullied ( I was always a 'nerd'), this was when the girl specific bullying really came into it's own. I had friends, but never felt a part of anyone's inner circle. I was lonely, although by no means alone.
I struggled to cope with my new womanly body. It was a drag. Suddenly, running was uncomfortable and doing the physical things I used to wasn't the same. I felt estranged from myself.**
At High School I formed strong bonds with my male peers as, for the most part, I didn't really have to acknowledge my femininity when I was with them. I could be bright and imaginative and have fun. I felt more myself with them. When I look back on teen Hannah though I am sad. Without meaning to, by attempting to escape her gender she became the antithesis of a feminist. I can remember a friend telling me how he made his girlfriend clean up after one of his epic parties and just replying 'if she's dumb enough to do it then it's her fucking problem.' I didn't like or understand other women. I couldn't empathise with them. I felt as though I'd escaped the whole equality quandry by just hanging with the boys. I didn't think it applied to me.
A (15ish) Hannah - one of the boys.
But at the same time I bought into the rape culture that is pervasive in New Zealand. There were several occasions where I was date raped, on one occasion by a close friend - although at the time I never would have seen it as that. Every time I was intoxicated. I was young, I was flirtatious and I was dressed provocatively. I believed it was my fault. I felt that if I were stupid enough to put myself in the situation how could it not be? And despite having said no, several times, every time, I eventually stopped fighting. Every time. I felt my giving up was an indication of my consent.
My general attitude toward other women reflected this same culture. I wolf whistled at women in short skirts on the street. I belittled other women. I thought women were generally silly and deserved everything they received as a result.
When I was about twenty I moved into an entirely female flat. And they were different. They didn't just sit around not doing anything. They were kind and warm and open. And while I had met other girls like this previously***, I had not met them en masse and it was enlightening. I felt comfortable with myself in a group of other women for (what felt like) the first time.
And at Unitec I found even more like minded ladies (love you guys so much x x). Whilst studying I also engaged with ideas around feminism academically for the first time. I was (and am still) grateful for my time with the boys - it meant I took nothing at face value. Whilst I read a lot about feminism I was still not ready to call myself a feminist. I felt that much I read did not equate to striving for equality. Very few texts (at the time) talked about balancing women's liberation with men's liberation.
This was particularly apparent to me having come from a farming background where the male archetype is as ingrained, if not moreso, than that for the ladies. And having been one of the 'boys' for much of my teenagehood I really felt like there was this whole issue of 'man' that was being ignored. Like 'man' was this blank slate for projection of all of 'women's' issues, without acknowledging their personhood or needs. I felt feminism, and (some) feminists I knew at the time took a very one sided approach, and I was horrified to be lumped in with them.
At the same time I felt the feminism I saw around me neglected to acknowledge women's sexuality, or desire to be sexual. Whilst I completely understood the backlash against being objectified, I couldn't equate that restriction with freedom. Why couldn't I wear sexy clothes and own my body? Why couldn't I be intelligent and still enjoy cooking and knitting? What was wrong with being just a Mum? I felt as though feminism imposed as many rules on me as the patriarchy. It was still a regime, just one run by someone else.
The face of an unkempt feminist
Today I am happy to be called a feminist because I take it at its word. A feminist is supposed to be someone who strives for equal rights. I am definitely that someone. I have decided I am ok with people thinking whatever they like about me regardless of this label - that's their problem.
Today there are many subgroups and branches and offshoots of traditional feminism. There are many new definitions and names for these, so many I don't remember them all. It's all too confusing. This is why just being called a feminist is good enough for me. The main gist of my values is there. People can pick it apart all they want. I no longer give a shit.
So do I think women deserve equal pay? Yes, of course we fucking do! I would like it if we could compare equal work in equal jobs at equal levels (which is not how this statistic is calculated currently) so we could see exactly wherein the issue the inequality sits****. But I also think we need more support out there for Dads. Why aren't there change tables in men's bathrooms too? Why don't men get support from Maternity Mental Health for the first year too? When will 'flexitime' be normalised not just for working Mums, but Dad's too?
There has been a lot of work that's gone into giving women choice in terms of staying home or going to work (or both), but not vice versa. And from a practical perspective this is just stupid. Cos if I want to go to work, but Murray has less support to stay at home with the kids than I do, it's a no brainer as to who stays at home. How can we change this dynamic if we're focused on only one side of the picture?
And if we want to break through our rape culture we need to work on breaking down our hard man culture. Because not only are Kiwi dudes great at sexually (and otherwise) assaulting women, but they are first class at topping themselves. So it's not really working out so well for anyone. And whilst us ladies still strive for equal treatment, at least we have our close mates to bitch about it with. Most of us talk things through, get stuff off our chests and feel ok. And if we can't do it with our mates, we go and get help. It's acceptable. Guys don't seem to feel they can do this. So what do they do when they're not coping? They act out. It's not rocket science.
Anyhow, that's enough ranting for one day. In summary, today I'm a proud feminist. It took me a while to get here, but I am comfortable with that path. I strongly believe in equal rights for all. Everyone matters. And everyone should be free to be whoever they are without fear. So I strive to teach my kids things can be different. Because they can. I know they can.
* It took me a long time to understand that not all strength is visible and not all decisions are simple. I love my Mum to the moon and back and have much respect for her now.
** I have to clarify: I have never felt I was trapped in the wrong body. I just struggled to feel my athleticism slipping off my bones (how it felt). I remember that juxtaposition between childhood and adulthood and I didn't like it. I liked the sameness of childhood - how boys and girls were the same, really. Just kids. But I relate strongly to those who are trans or identify as gender queer as I really feel that imposition of gender. At times it's fine, and others it's uncomfortable to wear.
*** Please don't get me wrong. I had LOTS of female friends over those growing up years, some whom I was quite close to, still talk to and admire greatly. I just never felt like I fit into those girl friend groups where there were dynamics, and back chat and gossip and stuff.
**** I suspect it's to do with low paid 'women's industries' like care work, the fact women have to take more time out for childcare which slows career progression and women's higher participation in voluntary work that is doing it. But I can't know this. Because we need a few law changes before we can get the statistics to know this for sure.
