Man I wish I could be like some of the people I know!
Me as a cadet... Photo taken by local reporter
I wish I could just choose one or two creative endeavors and just buckle down and be amazing at them. It's never a thing I have been able to do. Even at high school I struggled to balance school work with Cadets, a part time job*, a boyfriend, school plays and other extra curricula activities. During my first year at University I also worked three jobs - concurrently, and managed a social life. My life has always been more hectic than life seems like it should be.
But now I'm starting to rise from the sleep-deprived haze of parenting small children, I'm realising that aside from the kids, my life will probably always be hectic.
I wish this was not the case. Because it's just logical to me that if you direct a good chunk of your time, thought and energy into one place then you will have more experience behind you to become really good at that thing. Regardless of what that thing is. Especially if it's something that's interesting to you (why would anyone bother with anything else?). Whether it's parenting, or breeding roses or swimming. Focus usually gets results.
And if you are focused on that one thing, when you aren't thinking about it your brain can maybe have a rest. Watching a movie is relaxing. Computer games are relaxing. Reading is for fun, and maybe also relaxing. Maybe when your brain has exhausted its focus on that one thing it will allow you to sleep at night. And that would ensure you had more energy to refocus on that thing in the morning.
I have never had focus. And up until recently, I was fairly sure this inability to do just one (or two) things was a coping mechanism. Always busy. Seldom (but sometimes**) in the spotlight. Excited about the prospects of multiple projects. Happily rushing along wherever life has taken me. And maybe this idea is right. It makes sense given my background and mental health history. But I recently started to think if maybe I'm supposed to be like this.
I've been reading a lot of Temple Grandin lately (after having enjoyed some other books on animal psychology) and am currently reading one of her most recent books on autism (as well her work with animals she is also very well known for talking about and investigating her own autism). And it made me start thinking. Obviously, initially about Etta, because despite this not being her diagnosis there are many things she shares with folk with ASD (in particular sensory issues, fixations and difficulty managing her own feelings). But also in reading a generic checklist of sensory issues, I realised I tick a lot of boxes myself.
I think most people will probably relate to some of the issues. But when I went through Grandin's list (very helpfully accompanied by management techniques) I realised there were two sections where I either struggled, or still struggle, with more than 50% of the things on the list (auditory processing and olfactory). And this helped me realise how I crave over-stimulation: I struggle with quiet (usually have mindless TV in the background to soothe my mind), I have a slight obsession with foods and smells, I struggle to just sit still let alone stop talking. I talk to myself constantly. When I reflect on this It's not hard to see why I struggle to focus. A constant hum seems to help me navigate the world but it's also very distracting.
Patchwork - one of my favorite two player boardgames
So now I am considering that some of us are destined never to be great at one thing. Because some of us can never just sit down and do one thing. I have never been able to pick one creative endeavor I love more than any other. I love writing. I love cooking. I love singing. I love reading. I love gardening. I love drawing. I love designing/making books. I love photography. I love animals and wine and board-games and knitting and film. I cannot choose any one of those things that I love above any other.
And sometimes when I start working on one thing (knitting) it will automatically make me want to do another thing (making jam) because something about it will remind me of the other thing. And then something about that thing (the colour of jam) will make me think about another thing (painting, or glass work or planting seeds) and then I will be off on a new tangent of passion.
If someone asked me what my greatest talent was I would tell
them that it was my ability to make connections between things. Many
aspects of education were simple for me because I remembered facts easily and could fit ideas together naturally. And the reason I did well in writing essays was my ability
to connect seemingly disparate things with ease. It has aided me in everything - whether through making links between knitting and pixels,
understanding how to structure layered incentive programs or writing
info sheets for varying basic gut health issues. Every one of those
things came down to me connecting the dots.
So I think maybe I am not meant to be good at one thing. Maybe I am meant to be interested in many things and use those varied interests to make connections. Maybe those connections will somehow, at some point in time, be useful in some way. Maybe they already are and I just don't know because my skill is not to recognise usefulness, but to just make connections.
I guess this is a form of self acceptance - I hope so. I hope I'm not just excusing poor mental health management techniques. I hope accepting being like this is ok. And I think probably it is. What I am working on now is creating structures so that I can at least get to the end point of creative endeavors rather than leaving them cluttering up computers and cupboards.
Plum and Crab-apple Jelly - just gorgeous!
I think most of the reason I prefer working collaboratively is that I have other people to answer to. Being so far from my tertiary days in both time and life, collaborating with others is now trickier. So I've started delegating people to be my 'boss' on certain projects so I can set
deadlines that I (choose to) believe has an external affect. They don't even have to do anything, read or see anything - they just have to pretend they're my boss so it creates the illusion that my self enforced deadlines matter.
I've started setting short term, mid-term and long-term creative goals so that each year I can explore something exciting, whilst still plodding away at a constant practice (currently that's my Suburban Birds project), while having room for quicker turn around projects (jam, baking, crafts).
I'm hopeful that this will help me feel less envious of my talented peers. And I'm hopeful that while I do not imagine my brain will ever not be busy, maybe instilling a little more order will help me feel calmer, and more able to watch movies for fun.
* OMG I loved this job so much. It was just a cafe job but it truly has shaped me as a human being in so many ways that I am still grateful for it over 20 years down the track. I am still so grateful for that time, and the people I met during that time, and how they grew me into who I am now. It forged my love of cooking, food and counting money. Cheesy I know, but still very true.
** When mental health allows it. I love doing little bits of film, tv and ad work and love love LOVED being on Family Feud (have always wanted to be on a game show!) I have been featured in varying publications over time for so many different things - advice on IBS and gut health, singing, making art, cadets. Admittedly most of that has been about time and place though. And dressing like a hipster before 'hipster' was a term is something that gets you noticed..
Me as a cadet... Photo taken by local reporter
I wish I could just choose one or two creative endeavors and just buckle down and be amazing at them. It's never a thing I have been able to do. Even at high school I struggled to balance school work with Cadets, a part time job*, a boyfriend, school plays and other extra curricula activities. During my first year at University I also worked three jobs - concurrently, and managed a social life. My life has always been more hectic than life seems like it should be.But now I'm starting to rise from the sleep-deprived haze of parenting small children, I'm realising that aside from the kids, my life will probably always be hectic.
I wish this was not the case. Because it's just logical to me that if you direct a good chunk of your time, thought and energy into one place then you will have more experience behind you to become really good at that thing. Regardless of what that thing is. Especially if it's something that's interesting to you (why would anyone bother with anything else?). Whether it's parenting, or breeding roses or swimming. Focus usually gets results.
And if you are focused on that one thing, when you aren't thinking about it your brain can maybe have a rest. Watching a movie is relaxing. Computer games are relaxing. Reading is for fun, and maybe also relaxing. Maybe when your brain has exhausted its focus on that one thing it will allow you to sleep at night. And that would ensure you had more energy to refocus on that thing in the morning.
Me having a compulsory kanikani in the booth on Family Feud. So fun!
I have never had focus. And up until recently, I was fairly sure this inability to do just one (or two) things was a coping mechanism. Always busy. Seldom (but sometimes**) in the spotlight. Excited about the prospects of multiple projects. Happily rushing along wherever life has taken me. And maybe this idea is right. It makes sense given my background and mental health history. But I recently started to think if maybe I'm supposed to be like this.
Grandin's books are always an interesting read
I've been reading a lot of Temple Grandin lately (after having enjoyed some other books on animal psychology) and am currently reading one of her most recent books on autism (as well her work with animals she is also very well known for talking about and investigating her own autism). And it made me start thinking. Obviously, initially about Etta, because despite this not being her diagnosis there are many things she shares with folk with ASD (in particular sensory issues, fixations and difficulty managing her own feelings). But also in reading a generic checklist of sensory issues, I realised I tick a lot of boxes myself.I think most people will probably relate to some of the issues. But when I went through Grandin's list (very helpfully accompanied by management techniques) I realised there were two sections where I either struggled, or still struggle, with more than 50% of the things on the list (auditory processing and olfactory). And this helped me realise how I crave over-stimulation: I struggle with quiet (usually have mindless TV in the background to soothe my mind), I have a slight obsession with foods and smells, I struggle to just sit still let alone stop talking. I talk to myself constantly. When I reflect on this It's not hard to see why I struggle to focus. A constant hum seems to help me navigate the world but it's also very distracting.
Patchwork - one of my favorite two player boardgames
And sometimes when I start working on one thing (knitting) it will automatically make me want to do another thing (making jam) because something about it will remind me of the other thing. And then something about that thing (the colour of jam) will make me think about another thing (painting, or glass work or planting seeds) and then I will be off on a new tangent of passion.
Attack of the Karate Devils (2006) Knitted Painting
If someone asked me what my greatest talent was I would tell
them that it was my ability to make connections between things. Many
aspects of education were simple for me because I remembered facts easily and could fit ideas together naturally. And the reason I did well in writing essays was my ability
to connect seemingly disparate things with ease. It has aided me in everything - whether through making links between knitting and pixels,
understanding how to structure layered incentive programs or writing
info sheets for varying basic gut health issues. Every one of those
things came down to me connecting the dots.So I think maybe I am not meant to be good at one thing. Maybe I am meant to be interested in many things and use those varied interests to make connections. Maybe those connections will somehow, at some point in time, be useful in some way. Maybe they already are and I just don't know because my skill is not to recognise usefulness, but to just make connections.
I guess this is a form of self acceptance - I hope so. I hope I'm not just excusing poor mental health management techniques. I hope accepting being like this is ok. And I think probably it is. What I am working on now is creating structures so that I can at least get to the end point of creative endeavors rather than leaving them cluttering up computers and cupboards.
Plum and Crab-apple Jelly - just gorgeous!
I think most of the reason I prefer working collaboratively is that I have other people to answer to. Being so far from my tertiary days in both time and life, collaborating with others is now trickier. So I've started delegating people to be my 'boss' on certain projects so I can set
deadlines that I (choose to) believe has an external affect. They don't even have to do anything, read or see anything - they just have to pretend they're my boss so it creates the illusion that my self enforced deadlines matter. I've started setting short term, mid-term and long-term creative goals so that each year I can explore something exciting, whilst still plodding away at a constant practice (currently that's my Suburban Birds project), while having room for quicker turn around projects (jam, baking, crafts).
I'm hopeful that this will help me feel less envious of my talented peers. And I'm hopeful that while I do not imagine my brain will ever not be busy, maybe instilling a little more order will help me feel calmer, and more able to watch movies for fun.
* OMG I loved this job so much. It was just a cafe job but it truly has shaped me as a human being in so many ways that I am still grateful for it over 20 years down the track. I am still so grateful for that time, and the people I met during that time, and how they grew me into who I am now. It forged my love of cooking, food and counting money. Cheesy I know, but still very true.
** When mental health allows it. I love doing little bits of film, tv and ad work and love love LOVED being on Family Feud (have always wanted to be on a game show!) I have been featured in varying publications over time for so many different things - advice on IBS and gut health, singing, making art, cadets. Admittedly most of that has been about time and place though. And dressing like a hipster before 'hipster' was a term is something that gets you noticed..
