On A Santa Free Christmas

So it's that time of year again...

For me, it's a hectic, stressful time.  Not just because Christmas, but because I work retail at Christmas.  This year, I have decided to pull back a bit, which has been helped by enforced limitations (broken oven, poor health).  Being on medication has aided me greatly in my ability to do this.

Me last Christmas night after all the madness.  
Enjoying some quality time with our cat family.

Don't get me wrong - I love Christmas.  For me, Christmas is the season of giving - which is why I often end up over-committing myself to gift projects and baking and events.  It is also the season of family.  Christmas Day is all about spending time with family - both my immediate and extended.  The time around Christmas is all about showing those friends and whanau further afield that I care.  This is important, because in the craziness that is daily life I know I miss a lot of opportunities to do this.  Christmas time is an opportunity to give to those who have already given so much to me.

And I can do all of these things without Santa.

The major problems I have with Santa are all expressed in this blog post from four years ago.  There is no point in restating these issues - for me nothing has changed. 

What has changed is that I now have more cognitive children who have their own ideas.  Whilst we have iterated to Etta that Santa is not real, but is a modern representation of St Nicholas (who we have taught her about), that many children grow up thinking he is real, and that is ok too.  While I'd love to say she understands that part of things - she doesn't.  I heard her tell her bestie that Santa wasn't real.  The bestie replied that she was wrong - he was real - she'd seen him at the mall.  Etta has also seen him at the mall.  She is on the fence about the reality of Santa.

Terrifying Queen Street Santa - 
The lord of creepy marketing

And that's ok.  The main thing for me is that I'm not lying, and there is no pressure on the 'good' and the 'bad' regarding presents at home.  What Etta chooses to believe is her choice.  We will not denigrate it.  But we will also not reinforce it by introducing gifts from this fiction at home.

Working in retail I have seen a new negative side to Santa.  The first weekend that Santa was in the mall the shopping atmosphere changed.  Overnight, it shifted from cavalier shoppers looking at their lists and feeling a bit smug about being on track for Christmas, to folk madly darting this way and that aimlessly searching for 'the right gift'.  I actually told a man who appeared to be losing his mind to go sit down and have a coffee and make a list on his phone before stepping back inside Farmers.  I was genuinely concerned for his ability to make rational decisions he wouldn't regret.  This was on the 25th of November.

This is in no way Mall Santa's fault.  This is 100% the fault of marketing and consumerism.  For many, Santa has become a visual symbol of the need to fulfill some weird emotional/fiscal obligation.  This is just sad.  While I agree with what many friends and family say - Santa is about giving - he has been commercialised to the point that he is also now associated with buying.  This is sad.  And it reaffirms to me that keeping my home free of this symbol is not a bad thing.

I work in retail, so I know that product placement for Christmas actually begins the last week of September.  Three months before the 25th of December.  It sounds insane (and I am of the mind that it is), but from a profit generation perspective it isn't.  It programs folk to be looking ahead for Christmas.  It helps fix that shopping mindset into the back of shoppers brains.  This is a great little read about just a few of the tactics employed by retailers coming up until Christmas.  Christmas is all about the dollars for retailers.

And Santa... Santa is the icon of the spending.

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This is just my perspective.  I am just trying to explain why we don't have Santa.  As I said earlier, I have no issue with other people having Santa.  And I am not trying to convince you to get rid of Santa - I am not going to be the Vegan at the Christmas dinner explaining all the bad things about pig farms* while you eat ham.  Eat the ham if you want - just understand that it's ok if I choose not to partake.

I am saying this as we have experienced all sorts of responses to us not having Santa.  From straight up outrage, to accusations of 'ruining the magic of childhood', to assumptions that we must be Jehovah's Witnesses - or more generally that we must not celebrate Christmas.  I do struggle to understand why something which has no impact on anyone but us, is any kind of a big deal to anyone else.

Because for us, it's not.  It helps us focus on our family and how we show appreciation for each other.  Our kids know their gifts come from us, because we love them and work hard to choose things that both reflect our values, and their interests.  It helps us not go OTT.  Christmas is a time to recharge - Christmas stocking fillers in our house include things like batteries, new felt pens (if needed), sunblock, bubble bath and fruit.  They do get treat things too, but we try to keep these to a minimum as we know they will be spoiled with this stuff from other family members**.

Shoeboxes with little gifts and treats (under $15 each)

Simplifying also helps us have a little more money at Christmas time to give to others who have greater need than us.  This year the kids decided to do Christmas In A Shoebox and we made up boxes for children in Northland that may otherwise not have very much (if anything) for Christmas.  When they are bigger, I hope we can do more together for charity.  To me - this is all part of giving at Christmas - it's important to give back to our community.

People are in shock that many children are asking for socks and underwear for Christmas.  I struggle to understand how this is shocking when we have the worst homelessness rates in the OECD.  I cannot say how big my Christmas wish is that this were not the case.  I am not trying to be a downer - but I cannot celebrate Christmas without being conscious that so many others are less fortunate than I am.  And it is important to me that my children understand this so they can have compassion for others at what, for some, is an extremely difficult time of the year.

Christmas is a time of added stress for many.  It is unsurprising that our domestic violence rates peak during the holiday period.  There is more financial pressure, there is more pressure on additional childcare (holidays) and there is more pressure to spend time with family.  It is also a time where people may acutely feel a lack of family - maybe they have become estranged, maybe someone they love has passed away in the last year.  During this time of year, these losses can feel much more acute.

Christmas can be hard for many people for many reasons.  It is important to remember this.

In saying that, we still celebrate.  We still gather as a family.  We have a tree.  I make and bake gifts.  We still eat delicious food*** and crack crackers and tell bad jokes.  We still enjoy each others company and share gifts and good times and kindness.  We can remember others, and we can still celebrate what we have.
 
And our kids still definitely share in the magic that is Christmas.     

Etta and Abby last Christmas playing with a singing Christmas ball

in a tent at Nana and Poppa's

Meri Kirihimete everyone!  No matter how you celebrate.  No matter how much or how little you have, I wish everyone peace and love and kindness at this time of the year.

* This example is not indicative of all vegans.
** And we have a really big family! 
*** No ham in this house either.

On Forging A New Relationship With My Body

So earlier this year I tried to do healthier things to lose weight.

I tried properly, in my own way (which is not extreme, as extreme doesn't work well with my mental health) and I stopped blogging about it fairly quickly because for the first time ever my attempts at losing weight felt, well, futile.  I did lose a little bit of weight, but it was gradual.  Like, 100 to 200 grams a week gradual.  Like, I'd rather have just eaten the food and not cared gradual.

So I kinda gave up.

It's not like I usually eat really badly.  In fact, after finding out about my fibroid I went onto a low inflammatory diet* to help manage my pain levels (which, by the way, has worked).  I genuinely like vegetables.  I seldom snack.  I do eat junk food and takeaways, but I try to moderate it and mix it up with loads of vegetarian deliciousness at home.  So it's not like I'm unhealthy, I'm just bigger than I used to be.

Me pre babies - comfy in my skin

And I think what has been most unhelpful with being bigger has been with feeling like I need to be back to how I was before.  This feeling that I should be 8 kg lighter - the weight I was before babies - has meant that I haven't bought nice clothes that fit me - since buying maternity wear.  It has taken me the 2 1/2 years since having my last baby to reconcile that actually, I am ok in this new body - for now anyway.  I have other priorities at the moment, and my health is still good.  What I actually need is just to buy some better fitting clothes.

 Me in new body - no clue what to do with it

 I think this has been a difficult conclusion for me to draw because I have been roughly the same size (apart from unhealthy low weight periods) for my entire adult life.  So buying clothes of a different fit feels as though I have to re-imagine myself as a different person.  Even though I don't feel very different at all.

The other side to this is the realisation that I'm older than I once was.  I've had this conversation with loads of my friends and it's that thing where you don't feel any older than you were at 18.  I think that people should dress however they like - I don't agree with ageist 'rules' of dress.  But I do feel like maybe I am missing out on feeling better in myself by not upgrading my wardrobe to match my phase of life more comfortably.  I mean, I like being ID'ed for booze still at 36, and mistaken for a 20 something young thing at work, but sometimes it's also nice to be treated like a grown up. 

Weirdo pre-kids Hannah.  Shaved head, 
builder hat, rabbit fur coat, merino dress?
Why not?

When you've been dressing the same way since pretty much forever**, the idea of finding a new kind of style is quite scary.  Especially when you're not that keen on fashion, or being trendy, or actually have any kind of clue how to dress yourself.  In my old body - that stuff didn't really matter.  I dressed like a weirdo and I didn't care what people thought because I felt ok in myself.  But with feeling a little more self-conscious of certain parts of my body - it's different now.  It's not that I'm a lot bigger - I'm only one size bigger.  It's more that parts of my body aren't as toned as they once were so I'm more self conscious about them.

So, and this sounds ridiculous, I had to Google 'how to dress'.  Ugh.

The funniest thing about this is that two other women I spoke to within the same week as my search had done the same thing.  I was so glad to hear that I was not alone.  And honestly, that gave me the push I needed to buy some new damn pants!

Pants (or trousers if you're British, I'm not talking about underwear) have been my main problem.  I no longer fit my jeans comfortably.  Not just because I'm bigger, but because my abdominal surgeries and my fibroid mean that denim just isn't comfortable any more.  In Winter, I just rocked me some trackpants and pretened like that was ok.  It wasn't - I had basically given up on having any personal style.  And now it was Summer so it was really time for a pants overhaul.  And - I decided - no more jeans.  Number one rule in my new wardrobe is that it has to be comfortable.  Because what I've noticed is that the clothes I have that I like but that aren't comfortable, don't get worn.

I also want to buy clothes that suit my regular personal style.  Which is, I guess if you had to put a word on it, flamboyant.  But also lazy***.  And stuff I can run around after children in without embarrassing myself.  And cheap.  I'm not made of money, and even if I were, I'd rather spend it elsewhere.  Also I need clothes that cover my skin (but breathe) for several reasons:

1) Bugs like me and my skin reacts to them.  Consequently, I often have large itchy welts which, if seen by the public, could lead folk to the assumption that I am diseased, or, in the least, lice ridden.
2) It's Summer and the sun is not my friend.  A skin specialist told me I shouldn't live in NZ.  True story.  Basically, I treat my skin like I'm a ginger person.
3) I have excoriation disorder.  This means I sometimes - unconsciously - pick my skin.  I do it when I'm stressed.  I only seem to do it on my upper arms so I like to have clothes that cover this area because it is a bit scarred, and if I've been picking, it's also spotty (and if the area is covered, I'm less likely to pick****).

A bit complicated to program all of this into a Google search...

However I did take some advice from some of the Google spews I read about 'dressing for my shape (and height).  That advice was high waisted pants.  With that one piece of information I bravely went forth to the interweb and looked at my favorite local clothing websites in the hunt of cheap, good pants.  THEN, once found, I did the smart thing and went to the store and tried on the pants to see if I could live with them.

Magic pants

It was like heaven.

Yes, they looked a bit different to what I was used to.  But I truly had no idea I could buy pants as comfortable as pyjama pants and wear them during the daytime without social persecution.  This one pair of pants (my 'fatpants') were the gateway to me re imagining my whole wardrobe.  With the confidence gained from my new fat pants I braved the Pagani factory store in the hopes of finding more cheap clothes.  There I gleaned MORE comfortable pants, a floaty Summer over top thing AND a dress for my work Christmas do.  And they were cheap - $5 comfy pants.  Magic.

My $5 outfit - all items cost $5 each*****

My wardrobe theory with the kids is that three is the magic number - I have applied this to myself also.  After receiving an email about a sneaky 50% discount at another women's fashion store where I hoped to grab some basics, en route I saw that Glassons clearance clothing was all $10 or less.  FOR ONE DAY ONLY!  Price was right, and resulted in my third pair of 'fat pants' - the most pyjamaesque yet.

Three comfy pants to build a new Summer wardrobe around.  Which cost me $40 in total and GAINED me a tonne of confidence in myself.  To that, I've added a couple of floaty shirt things for bad-arm (or sunny) days and a new singlet or two.  It has cost me under $100 to rebuild my wardrobe (including the work do dress which I plan to wear the shit out of) enough to facilitate my change in shape.

The most pyjamaesque daywear I have.
OTT Stripes?  YES!  And I LOVE it!

And I feel great!

And I'm sure I'll feel even better when I have the energy to brave budget bra shopping.

* Not following the rules persay, just avoiding the foods that I know don't work well with my system (foods high in gluten or lactose, red meat, sugar and fizzy drinks)

** Apart from forays into 50's fashion (ditched when I broke my ankle as can no longer cope with heels).

*** I don't usually buy materials that require ironing, because - fuck ironing.

**** It's a coping method.  I don't do all the time and it doesn't really interfere with my life negatively so not really quite at the 'disordered' end of the spectrum.  I'm ok with it.  And no, it doesn't hurt.  I'm used to it.  Hence me not even realising I'm doing it.

***** I know this is by far the best look in terms of 'slimming'.  But I like my stripy PJ pants too.  So I don't care if I look a little bigger in them.  I do have serious booty, and I'm not afraid of it (also aware if I hadn't put my arm there you could see it in this photo and consequently I'd look slimmer.)