Day 1 of being a Mum - totally clueless
I know a few people in this position, and while I's sure
I've said all this before, I thought maybe it needed a summary.
And instead of being a crazy person and writing epic cards to everyone I know
in this position containing some of this information, I thought hey, I'll just
blog it. Cos I'm tired and time-poor. (If you have no brain due to new baby, just skip to the quick
paragraph in italics at the end.)
First I want to say take all this advice with a grain of
salt because EVERYONE will try and give you advice when you become a Mum. Most people that give you advice (like me) is
not a professional at child rearing.
They also do not live your life, or know what it's like to be in your
skin. So most advice is not actually aimed
at you. Most advice givers (like me) are
doing it for themselves. Because they
want to be of use and because they care about you (or in the case of street
weirdos, probably just your infant).
Everyone's experience with motherhood will differ so the advice will
differ, and not all of it will work for you or your child. Try to only take on board what makes sense to
you.
If you are overwhelmed by too much advice (I was) I
recommend just tuning out when people try and give it to you. Just nod, and sing a catchy song in your
head. Appear to be listening, but really,
don't. Enjoy that song in your
head. Make it a happy song. Try not to sing it out loud, it will seem
like you're not listening and you'll blow the ruse.
Becoming a Mum can flip everything you know on it's ear, so be kind to
yourself. It is like starting at a job
you have no experience in and will have to do for the rest of your life. You will make mistakes. You will not have all the answers. You will be ok. Your expectations of what you would be like
as a parent may not match up to the reality.
You may have thought you'd never wear a sling, but find yourself suddenly with a baby strapped to you. You may have thought you'd be starting Playcentre when the baby was a few months old but instead find yourself crying on the couch and eating Tim tams. That's totally normal. When
mapping out motherhood pre-baby there are a lot of outliers you probably won't
have taken into account. Like
exhaustion, crazy hormones, loss of your sense of self, or changes within your
relationship with your partner. You may
experience none of these, or all of these. Either way, be nice to
yourself. Your kid is fed? Yes.
Your kid is wearing clothes? Yes. Your child is not in the fridge? Yes.
You are a good parent.
Accept all offers of help. And by help,
I mean things that actually are helpful to you.
If you have an anxiety disorder (like me) and someone offers to clean
your house and you are terrified of this and it will make you have a panic
attack, this is not going to be helpful to you, so decline. Your friend means well, but they are trying
to be helpful cos they care about you, not cos they want to clean your
house. I am terrible at asking for help,
but am becoming better at accepting offers of help. So if someone offers help that is not
actually helpful, maybe ask for a similar alternative that may actually be
helpful to you. So if someone offers
to cook you a meal but your fridge and freezer are so full already it'll just
be a nuisance - ask if maybe you can take them up on the offer later, when the
cupboards are bare and you are crying from hunger. It truly does take a
village to raise a child so don't feel like you have to do everything by
yourself. You are not weak if you need
help, you are human. People know
this. This is why they want to help.
Remember that it's not just you who is going through a whole lot of craziness -
but if you have a partner, or your baby has a baby-Daddy, they will likely be
feeling a bit crazy too. And while we
have the hormones which usually push us into a biological closeness with the
kid (they might not, this is also normal, don't worry), they don't, and may feel left out. And they will (usually) feel an obligation to support you through what is a known cray-cray for the Mum time. So may be feeling overwhelmed. They need support too. And it may be hard for you to give to them as
you are already gonna be looking after a new, completely dependent little
person, so it's really important that they have people to talk to. It might be just someone to go have a beer
with, or to play board games with. It
might be a therapist. Whatever works for them. Just make sure they have someone to talk to so they don't suddenly wig out. That will be bad for everyone.
This is the thing I still struggle with, but it's
important to know all the same - put you and your family first. Try not to feel guilty about it. Sometimes this means missing important
broader family events, birthdays, Christmas do's just in order to sleep after a
night of no sleep. Don't demean your
needs. They are valid. Feeling not completely insane from lack of sleep
makes parenting easier. Doing this makes you a good parent. In the early
days, it's really just about survival. Most people will understand that you have a good reason to miss your Uncle's cousins dogs thirteenth birthday.
Try to ignore the expectations and comparisons of
others. This is hard. All babies are not the same. They will learn things at different paces and
in different ways. Your baby is not
retarded just cos it's not crawling at X months old. If you are worried, talk to professionals
like your GP or Plunket. And try not to
compare yourself with others. There are
sooo many ways to raise a kid, not just one right way. Do what works within your framework of
beliefs and values, and do what works for your child. Don't worry if it conflicts with what your
friends or family are doing, or the 'rules' of a certain ideology of child
rearing. Whatever works for you is
good. Do that.
If you are like me, try not to get caught up in your
head. The best way to do this is to get
back into your body. Do something simple
like have a shower or a bath and really focus on each part of your body as you
get clean.* Find someone to mind your
baby for even just ten or fifteen minutes and go for a walk (or a run if you do
that sort of thing). Think about your
breathing. Drink a coffee alone
somewhere. Enjoy it. Your head can be a dangerous place to
live. Taking a break for a bit every now
and then can give you some perspective and make things feel a little simpler.
There. I said the things.
Here is the summary for those of you who have no brains
cos babies:
So you've decided to become a Mum. It's hard. Really fucking hard. It will make
you crazy - but being crazy is normal. Everyone
knows this so they will try and help.
Ignore all unhelpful help. Do
what works for you. Get support when you
(and your partner/baby-Daddy) need it and be nice to yourself. Also, chocolate.
* As and when possible, of course
