Prep for Living Below The Line

So I am starting this challenge tomorrow.

I just finished the last of my shopping (veges) and am feeling pretty good going in to this.  Certainly, compared to the Ration Challenge, this feels easier.

Last years Ration Challenge gave me this plus salt, lemon pepper, cinnamon, 125g of tofu, 170grams of carrots and 120 grams of peanuts.

This year, my $19.95 has bought me all this plus I have $2.03 left over to spend on small, cost calculated, extras from the pantry*.  I opted to just shop at my usual places that are easily accessible by foot, rather than going to the bulk foods store which is a bit further.  Shopping around is  something not always easy for someone on limited means.  All of this comes from Pak n Save Alderman Drive and our local Asian vege store - besides the pumpkin which was an impulse buy from Countdown when doing a fruit dash for kids lunches as it was just $2!

I feel like for me, this is plenty.  My $19.95 bought me 500g of rice, 6 eggs, 500g yellow split peas, 750g oats, a tin of creamed corn, tomatoes and coconut cream, a large pumpkin, about 1/2 a cup of roasted, salted peanuts, some popcorn kernels, 2 mushrooms, 2 lemons, some onions, a bag of carrots and a little bit of ginger and garlic.  It is definitely enough to make enough meals for me to live on.  And it wasn't all planned!  Although I am very much a planning down to the last cent kind of person, the pumpkin was so big and cheap I couldn't walk past it and I kinda splurged on mushrooms and lemons.  So I don't feel hard done by.

But there are some notable things missing.  Meat is expensive, and something that I lived without for years, so it was a no-brainer to not even bother.  Also, no dairy.  I had hoped I'd be able to afford some cheese, but the sacrifices I'd have had to have made for that cheese was not worth it.  Nor is there bread.  I could definitely not afford the gluten free bread I usually buy, nor is it worth it for me to buy $1 bread even though it would make this coming week easier**.  I really wanted to buy a bag of fruit, but when it came down to a choice between carrots and fruit, I went with carrots because they were cheaper, and also more flexible.  There are no quick meals here - besides porridge, carrots and eggs.  All my main meals take time and preparation.

Vege shopping (sans pumpkin)

There are no drink things here.  Even though I do drink coffee every morning, it hadn't crossed my mind until after I'd done my supermarket shop.  Not that I could afford it without cutting into other things.  And even then, it would have to be the cheapest instant coffee and I'd have to have it without milk, which is yuck.  And spend more on pantry sugar.  All round, it was not possible.  This week's 'coffee' will be lemon in hot water.  That way I still feel like I'm having 'something', while also having some vitamin C.

Because while this week is more vegeful than my Ration Challenge week, it still doesn't meet the nutritional minimum.  I've worked out I'll get about 3 or 4 out of my 5 plus a day from this.  So while it's ok, it's not ideal.  Looking at this picture, I have no idea where my calcium will be coming from, and I'm guessing there will be other things I've missed out on nutritionally given I'm not a trained nutritionist.

Tarka daal, YUM! (and cheap to make)      

 But I am excited about the meals!  I decided to base my food choices around healthy(ish) comfort foods that I usually eat.  So I'm making my favourite Taarka Daal, pumpkin soup, sweetcorn fritters and egg fried rice, in quantities that will give me multiple meals.  I will supplement this with 'found' salads, oat-flour flatbreads, carrot sticks and peanuts.

To make this experience more 'true' to living below the line, I will also not exercise any personal spending.  It feels silly to restrict one side of life, and not any other.  So no retail therapy, no Instant Kiwis (secret bad treat) and only free-to-air TV this week.

While I am not asking for donations directly, if you appreciate what I'm doing here, feel free to donate to Live Below the Line, the Ration Challenge ***, KidsCan or Foodbank New Zealand.

Watch this space for updates!




* Limited, cheap spices cost 10c per teaspoon, salt costs 1c per teaspoon, soy sauce costs 6c per Tbsp, canola oil costs 6c per Tbsp, brown sugar costs 25c for 1/4 cup, white flour costs 15c for 1 cup, baking powder costs 7c per tsp.  I'm not intending on using much of any of these.

** The only naughty for my health thing I bought was the onion, but that quantity spread over a week should not cause a drama.

*** If you don't know anyone doing the challenge, you can still donate!  What I did last year was topped up a few teams or individuals who were at the bottom of the leaderboards to help them feel more supported.  Great way to boost someone doing something super tough whilst giving to a great cause.

Why Food Challenges are important... to me anyway.

It's weird being middle class.  Having grown up very not middle class, it's confronting*.  It's a daily battle amalgamating two different sets of values.  And this reiterates to me just how much our childhood impacts us.  From the foods we like to eat, to the people we socialise with to the jobs we choose and the aspirations we have.  My childhood defines me, for both better and worse.

Growing up I never thought I would own my own home.

Living in relative comfort, I feel a sense of guilt every day.  I know what I have.  Poverty is not theoretical to me.  Not only have I been in this position, but I still have family in this position.  My daughter goes to a decile 3 school, a KidsCan school.  We can see the need for that support in our community.  Conversely, we have enough food to fill our kids lunchboxes.  We have enough money to pay our mortgage - we own a house in Auckland.  We have Netflix.  I know these are the sorts of things many people we know may take for granted as basics.  But I also know they aren't.

At the moment I'm feeling especially guilty because The Ration Challenge is starting again soon and I'm not doing it.

This year is a bit of a struggle for me.  My workload is heavy, family stuff is heavy and my health is suffering.  The Ration Challenge is bloody tough!  I struggled to get through my normal workload last year.  And currently, I'm working more than I was last year so it just doesn't feel feasible**.  Last year I got the shakes.  I cried.  I lost 2kg that week.  And I wasn't even living on the minimum.  As one of the fortunate folk connected enough to get good sponsorship, I enjoyed a few extras.  I can't imagine how hard it would have been without them.

I know I'm making the right decision.  But I still feel guilty.  It's not even just about the money.  After last years challenge, facing the reality of what thousands of people live with on a daily basis, I started donating a small amount monthly to Oxfam.  I know that even a small amount makes a difference.  But giving money isn't enough to assuage my guilt.

     The Ration Challenge is bloody tough!

Doing this challenge last year was hard, but doing it felt really good.  Not only because I raised much more money than I ever thought I could, but because it reminded me of just how lucky I am.  It reminded me how easy it might be for someone in my position to forget.  And that if someone's never felt hungry for longer than a few days, it is difficult for them to understand the long term impact of hunger.  In fact, every person I've spoken to who works in fundraising has said that the areas where people give the most, often have the least.  Fundraisers do better in low income areas, like Henderson and Mangere, than in places like Remuera or Parnell.  I think it's because in wealthy areas many have no concept of what it's like to live with so little.

Of course, many people rise from poverty to relative financial success who have also forgotten.  The two people foremost in my mind are our former PM John Key, and National MP Paula Bennett.  They too lived through tough times.  Both were reliant on government support for a time - John Key as a child who's mother was on the Widows Benefit, and Paula Bennett via the DPB as a young Mum.  I'm not saying they didn't work hard to get to where they are now.  I've seen the video of John Key working the stock market, pissing into a bottle.  I'm just saying that other people work just as hard and don't move far from where they started.  I'm scared that if I forget where I came from, if I forget how it feels to have less choice, to be hungry, I could easily be like them.

The Cycle of Poverty                 
It doesn't always look like this         
but a good overview nonetheless.       

So while I am not doing the Ration Challenge, I've decided I will do a food challenge.  After last year, I think I'm going to have to do one every year to ensure I don't forget.  This year I've decided I'm going to do the Live Below The Line challenge for 7 days instead.  The last time I planned on doing this I had to flag it as I found out I was pregnant with Etta the week before I was due to start...  Now the time for this actual challenge has already passed this year.  But given my goals are (in a way) selfish, there is no reason why I can't just do it anyway.

I have chosen this challenge because, while it feels as though it'll be easier than the Ration Challenge, it is still going to be a challenge.  I will have $19.95 to feed myself for seven days.  The main difference between this and The Ration Challenge is that I have some choice.  The Ration Challenge was particularly hard due to the dire lack of vegetables.  While the perks in the Ration Challenge did drive me to fundraise more, it simultaneously added to the stress of doing the challenge.  I know people who live on this amount, or a little less, or a little more, most weeks.  It is important that I remind myself of how it feels to be like them.  The flow on effect of having limited options.  And I can write about my experience and hope it gives an insight as to why it's so important to have compassion for those with limited means.

I also understand that donating money is a privilege.  Many want to give, but truly cannot.  Last year I felt as if a few of my friends and whanau felt bad about not donating, or not donating more.  I don't like making people feel bad.  So I'm not going to ask for donations on social media.  I will post some links in my blogs in case people want to donate independently, and will also provide links later on for places you can donate food or time to help those in need.

The wonderful, prolific vege, puha

Doing this off book means I'm allowing myself a couple of perks.  The perks are things we can all do to supplement our diet here in NZ, but were not possible in the Ration Challenge***.  Because I'm an experienced forager, and know many in poverty are not, I'm only going to forage basic foods found in most places around NZ - dandelion, puha, nasturtium, rosemary and wild fennel.  Equally, I've opted to spend a little of my $19.95 on pantry basics that will last six+ weeks, to trade (by value amount) for pantry basics I could conceivably have bought during previous weeks if this was my normal budget.  I've chosen salt, pepper, turmeric, garam masala, soy sauce and small amounts of flour and white sugar.

And because I don't want this to impact my family as much as The Ration Challenge did last year, I am doing it at a time that works best for us.  So my Challenge week will be the 21st to the 27th of May (after Etta's birthday celebrations are finished).  Last year the last night of the Ration Challenge fell on our annual Matariki celebration - which is literally a feast with old friends.  That was hard!  I'm also not taking on as many additional hours at work that week (this was hard in that I suck at saying no).  I know that doing this demonstrates my privilege, but I am making some allowances for my health this year.

Refugee camps in Jordan.  It's no small thing.

If you are in good health and want to understand what it's like to live with less, I highly recommend participating in The Ration Challenge.  It is tough, but it gives the gift of insight into how whole communities survive on so little.  It forces us to form communities, and support strangers.  The lessons I learned from doing this year are invaluable.  I cannot emphasise this enough.  And I promise I will sponsor you.

* Talk about First World Problems...

** In fact, Murray told me he was very glad I wasn't doing it again as last year was also tough on him and the kids...
*** Because it was emulating the situation for refugees in camps in Jordan, which are basically settled on dust.

On NZd's Culture of Abuse Part 2

This post will focus on what makes abusers, and how we can change this.

Recent police data shows that the majority of those directly affected by violent crimes in Aotearoa are women (54%), and perpetrators are overwhelmingly male (76%).  And violence resulting in injury is perpetrated by a higher percentage of men (87%) against a higher percentage of women (65%).  While these stats also reflect that men are also victims, and women perpetrators, they are the minority.  3/4 of all violent crimes, and almost 90% of serious violent crimes (resulting in injury) are perpetrated by men. 

Crimes of a violent nature are overwhelmingly a male problem.

There is no 'male' or 'female' brain.  Just brain.

Why is this? It is often blamed on the 'male'* hormone testosterone, but this is a simplistic argument.  Metastudies have shown that in spite of popular opinion, there is little difference between the male and female brain.  Studies that have been touted as 'proving' difference based on gender have for the most part been discredited.  This is due to size (some referenced studies with as few as 12 participants), inconsistency in results, or showing too marginal a difference to be of note.  The only studies which have consistently shown any difference between men and women regard spacial visualisation abilities.  And even so, the difference is less than 5%.**  So testosterone and 'male brains' are not likely the culprits.

If it's not nature, then surely it's nurture.

Aotearoa's 'culture' of the 1960's (when my Mother was born) was all about rugby racing and beer.  And this illustrates an important point.  Because rugby, racing and beer were just for men.  We may have won the right to vote before other nations (thanks to the temperance movement) but, prior to 1961 women weren't allowed to drink in public outside of hotel bars.  Women could not be professional jockey's until 1978 and we did not have an international women's rugby team until 1991.  Although this was recognised as quintessentially 'Kiwi' culture, for decades our culture excluded women.

So many of us have grown up with an image of New Zealand in which our women were rendered invisible.  While this is changing (slowly, we still have more 'John's' in the boardroom than women...) we still have a long way to go in terms of gender equality.  And we constantly seem to be roadblocking that by creating new trends that mark gender.

This new tradition does not serve us.

We live in a time of gender reveal parties.  Where the first question many of us are asked when we discover we will become parents is 'Would you prefer a girl or a boy?'  When you can get blood tests that can determine your babies gender from just 10 weeks into your pregnancy.  Before these tiny humans are even born, their gender is considered the most important thing about them.

Even if like me, you've tried really hard to avoid this.  As a feminist with a strong desire to build a better world for the next generation I have worked hard to avoid gender typing.  But kids don't live inside a vacuum.  Etta was teased by other girls at Kindy for wearing 'boy' clothes.  Now, at not quite six she and her friends are already struggling with physical intimidation by boys in the playground.  I've sat in school assemblies where playground violence has been quietly attributed to 'the boys'.  And even while this may be true, and even while they were being told it was wrong, telling them this is what boys do is not helping.

Even though it mightn't seem so, it's as bad as saying 'boys will be boys'.

Because when we say this, kids hear us.  They hear that this is what we expect from them.  And because gender is talked about as an important defining part of who they are, they want to meet those expectations.  They want to play the part expected of them so they can be a 'good' boy or girl.  So if we tell our boys they are rough, unemotional and not good with words, and we tell our girls to be pretty, they will work hard to be what we say they are.  And this doesn't serve anyone, particularly our kids.

There are many things our violence rates illustrate about what is wrong in our culture.  To me though, the biggest one is that boys need to be allowed, and taught how to manage their emotions and that it's ok to cry***.  In Aotearoa particularly, men are expected to be staunch, to be strong, to not cry.  Sometimes it feels like the only emotion are boys are expected to express is anger.  On many occasions I've seen men I know struggling to process emotion go straight to anger.  And how can we expect any different?  If they are not taught to feel and manage other emotions, where else can they go?

 Voices like John Kirwin's and Mike King's are so important.
What would help even more if someone came out about addressing their anger.

I expect our ever increasing male suicide rates might answer this question.

It doesn't feel nice hurting people.  Yes, there are certainly sadists out there who get a kick out of it, but I believe they are the minority.  Acknowledging that we have hurt someone is hard.  For anyone.  Particularly hard if you don't know how to deal with your emotions.  Statistics show that many perpetrators of abuse were abused themselves.  For those people, they not only have to process their mistakes, but they have to process what happened to them.  It's a lot to process.  I am not justifying abuse as a course of action here, I am simply saying that we need to do more to support our men emotionally.  Equality is a two way street.  Why shouldn't men have the same tools as women?  Not having them is literally killing them, and in the process, us.

So what can we do to change this?

There are many small things we can do to change this culture of abuse, within our own homes, families and communities.  It will take time to change, but it won't change at all if we don't do anything about it.  Here are a few simple things we can do to change this culture.

• Educate ourselves on our countries history.  Use this education to help us acknowledge the impact colonialism had, and still has on Māori.
  
• Educate ourselves on what abuse looks like.  There are plenty of resources online, and many courses you can do.  Can you recognise systemic abuse?  Can you recognise fiscal abuse?  Can you recognise emotional abuse?
  
• Educate ourselves on the links between sexism, racism, abelism and abuse.  Understanding this will help us teach our children differently (hopefully).
  Good on ya Kanoa!
  

• Vote for political parties that acknowledge this issue and are willing to do the work to make relevant changes in law reform, mental health outreach and support, and equality.
  
• Support your local woman's refuge however you can.  Equally, support programmes that support men in accessing and managing their emotions.  Do not assume all programmes out there are helpful, or that if someone is attending one they will be 'better'.*****  This is not a simple problem that can easily be fixed.
  
• If abuse has happened in your family try and work through the shame.  Seek help to address proactive ways of managing what has happened through counseling, or talking with people that you trust.  We need to erase the stigma around abuse.
  
• Make sure your children understand what emotions are, why they are feeling them, and things they can do to manage those feelings.
  
• Do not tolerate violence in your own home (where possible).
  
• Realise this is not a black and white issue.  There are many sides to any story, and while all are relevant, resolutions should focus on respecting boundaries set for safety.
  
• Act with kindness.
  
• Share what you learn with your loved ones and children.

* Women produce testosterone too... Just in smaller amounts.

**Please read Delusions of Gender by Cordelia Fine for more info.

*** The flip side of this is, of course, that girls need to it's ok to be strong.  It's ok to go against the grain and they shouldn't be punished for it.  The other thing those stats illustrated is that females are more likely to suffer a violent assault than men.  Sadly, other data shows that girls who grow up in a home where their Mum is abused by their Dad are six times more likely to experience sexual abuse, than girls who don't.  Equally, a young boy witnessing his mother being abused is 10 times more likely to abuse a future female partner.

**** I've been to a few domestic violence groups now where women have said their partners/ex-partners used their anger management classes as justification for their behavior/ to minimise the abuse they perpetrated.

***** Although it overwhelmingly impacts on trans folk more than any other group, queer people and women.

On NZd's Culture of Abuse Part 1

So I've been thinking about this a lot lately.  Which, if you read my blog regularly, may come as no surprise.  But recent events, both personal and political have caused me to need to speak.  This week I read about a friend celebrating her one year anniversary since her stalker was convicted.  I have heard Brian Tamaki threaten prison riots and minimise rape purely because his Man Up courses have not been instituted in prisons.  This week I had my voice silenced by someone I've known for most of my life, simply for speaking about the impact of abuse.  I am probably not saying anything on this topic that hasn't already been said.  In fact, I read a fantastic article about this on Noted earlier this week.

How can any person run a course on violence who
incites and promotes violence himself?            

 

But for me, blogging feels like taking action.  I only voice things publicly when I feel that if just one person reads this and learns something from it then it's worth sharing.  On topics around trauma, I speak because I know so many can't.  This isn't easy for me.  But I'm a strong believer that the personal is political and I know that the small things we say and do can make big changes.  I believe this, because I see it happening in both good and bad ways every day.  And I think this is particularly true to us here in Aotearoa, where each one of us is a greater percentage of population than in larger countries.

Here in Aotearoa, every single one of us will know both someone who has been abused, and someone who is an abuser.  Every one of us.

Even if we don't know it. 

Those who are abused are often not in a position to come forward about their abuse.  What I mean by this is that coming forward may risk victims of abuse a loss in financial or family support, or even their lives.  Almost 75% of domestic violence homicides happen while the person is trying to leave, or in the two weeks after they leave their violent partner.  90% of sexual assault is perpetrated by someone known to the victim.  33 - 39% of women in New Zealand experience physical or sexual violence from an intimate partner.  Our abusers are our partners, lovers, friends and family.  This is not easy to talk about.

      Everyone should be familiar with this

Secondly, many people do not understand what abuse looks like.  Abuse is not always bruises and black eyes, or hate speech or unwanted sexual contact.  Abuse can be many things.  Abuse can be someone using finances as a mean of controlling your behavior.  It can be having threats made against pets or loved ones.  It can be acts of violence against inanimate objects.  The cycle of violence is a great resource to refer to if you are questioning whether something happening in your life constitutes abuse.

For me, growing up with abuse was not about getting smacked.  I did, but not often and never with undue force and smacking was pretty normal in the 80's.  The infrequent smacking was never the problem.  For me, the abuse was more about a sense of fear.  That if I said the wrong thing, there would be consequences, and these consequences were demonstrated.  I was 13 when Once Were Warriors was released and I saw it in the cinema with my family.  And my family said 'this is not us'. And that was true.  It wasn't.  But I still didn't think I would survive my childhood. 

Even when abuse does not leave a physical mark, it leaves a mark.

For children growing up with abuse this mark often takes the form of Complex PTSD.  Young children who suffer abuse or neglect have brains that are wired differently.  Their neurological pathways are not able to develop normally.  Children who have grown up with abuse struggle with many things others take for granted like regulating their emotions, sleeping or trusting other people.  They struggle with self image and feeling worthy of love.  Those with Complex PTSD are far more likely to attempt suicide than those without.

My actual diagnoses are PTSD and Dissociative Disorder.  But basically, I have CPTSD*.  This is a lifelong diagnoses.  I have always had it.  I always will.  I have no idea what it feels like to be 'normal.'  I am anxious, particularly about social situations.  I take medication to manage this.  If I don't, it takes so much energy to go to work, or take the kids to Kindy and school I become non-functional.  I often feel that I am wearing a 'human suit' and staring out through the eye holes.  This feeling often makes me question my existence.  I have attempted suicide.  I have bouts of insomnia but I've learned ways to manage this**.  I am sensitive to the emotions of others.  I am easily startled.

These marks compound mine, and others, ability to speak out.  How does one speak out if they do not feel they can trust others?  How does an emotionally fragile person present as a viable witness?

If we contrast that with the skills we know perpetrators of abuse often have, it is easy to see why it's simply easier to ignore abuse.  Abusers are manipulative.  They are often charming and affable.  And they are all of these things precisely because if they weren't, it would be difficult to maintain their position of power.  Wikipedia defines abuse as:
The improper usage or treatment of a thing, often to unfairly or improperly gain benefit. 
Abusers treat people improperly for their own gain.

We have a system that saw no issue
in raiding Ruatoria for fear of an 'uprising',
yet turned a blind eye to known concerns in Christchurch.  

If we look at this from a wider angle it makes it easier to understand why we are so accepting of abuse here in Aotearoa.  Our country is premised on it.  Colonialism is an abuse of power to the advantage of the colonisers.  The colonisers here still benefit from this.  The people who were here first still suffer for it***.  Much of our history is still not taught in New Zealand schools.  I only just learned the true origins of the ANZAC's this year.  There is a reason for this. That reason is simply that those in power want to keep the status quo.  Because it benefits them.  And when this is challenged by someone who is unhappy with the power imbalance, they are painted as 'extreme' 'crazy' or 'stuck in the past.'  Or, they are arrested, or discredited.

We have the same problem regarding attempts to right our gender imbalance.  This week Sean Plunkett said: Within the next two years, the liberal left wing woke feminazis will call for the banning of rugby entirely****. 
Every time some ground appears to be made up for women like by, say, the #metoo movement, or having a new bill passed through parliament to grant leave to those trying to leave abusive situations, some old white dude tries to redirect the conversation.  The reason for this is because these old white dudes are desperate to stay at the top of the heap.  Every time a privileged white dude says 'it happens to men too.' or 'Not all men' he is basically just desperately trying to stay relevant in a world where he can see his position slipping.

So grateful to have so many amazing women
in parliament.  There is so much work to do!

We live within a power structure which is inherently abusive.  This is why it is so easy for many of us to miss it, or to ignore it.  If we are at the top of the heap and doing ok, it is simply easier to shrug our shoulders than to acknowledge that which doesn't directly affect us.  If we are not, our voices are ignored.

And I cannot ignore this.  I cannot ignore this because it happened to me, and I see it happening to others on a daily basis.  To people I care about.  And no-one deserves this.  I have come to a point in my life which I call PFO - Post Family Obligation.  What that means is I refuse to feel obligated for the sake of blood ties.  This was not an easy place to get to.  It took me almost 40 years.  As an eldest child, as an empathetic, educated child within a family that I love dearly, this was not an easy decision.  But becoming a parent simplified things for me.

When we ignore abuse, it allows this cycle to perpetuate.  And I do not want this legacy for my children.

I know that if I allow behavior that I know is not ok to continue, this impacts my kids.  Not just because it heightens the possibility of them being abused, but because they learn to allow it themselves.  When I excuse the obviously hurtful behaviors of others, it teaches them to excuse them too.  I grew up like this.  Most of us will have grown up like this.  'She'll be right' is part of our Kiwi culture.

So I'm working to change this.  For me, therapy was helpful.  Particularly going to group therapy and meeting other people with similar backgrounds to me.  When I became a parent of two it became apparent I did not know what I was doing.  My mental health compounded this.  But I did not want to repeat the mistakes of prior generations.  I sought help from Maternity Mental Health.  I did a parenting course.  I work hard to do the best I can by our kids.  I make mistakes.  I make a lot of mistakes.  But I try to learn from my mistakes.  From my families mistakes.

My obligation to them is more important than any other obligation.
I cannot change New Zealand.  But I can work on the culture in our home.

Part two to follow soon! 

*  This term wasn't in common usage when I was diagnoses 17 or so years ago.

** I have a sleep routine.  I have my Shakti mat.  If my brain won't shut up, I read until I'm so exhausted that it does.  If my anxiety is so bad none of this helps, I take Phenergan, a simple hayfever medication, because sleeping meds do not work for me.

*** Just make an effort to read any of our current median wage stats, or NZ prison stats, or education stats.  Or read my last blog for a link

**** I comfortably consider myself to be a liberal left wing woke feminazi, and while I have little to no interest in watching rugby, I personally have no interest in banning it.  His very suggestion completely ignores the fact that the Black Ferns exist, and have the highest winning percentage of any international rugby team.  And no, I don't just mean in Women's rugby - all rugby.  If I were able to make any changes to rugby it would simply be to give the Black Ferns the props (pun intended), and the income, they deserve.

On NZd's Darkest Day

I am writing because I was too upset to press 'refresh' on the news pages any more times.

I am writing because I tried to read my bedtime book and I cannot focus.

I am writing because I just want to eat salt and vinegar chips until I pass out but I have no chips left.

I am writing because I need New Zealand to know what in spite of what Jacinda said about why they chose us, and in spite of what many are saying across social media* we have to own our shit and recognise that New Zealand is still largely a racist nation.

Yes, the nutbar gunman social media live streamer said he chose us precisely because he wanted to demostrate that 'this' could happen in even the quietest place.  And yes, that nutbar gunman was Australian.  But if you think he and the other gunman acted alone then you are kidding yourself.

How did they get access to weapons here?  How, under our strict gun laws, do you think that happened without help from people here?  And why would this happen in Christchurch?  Why not Auckland where we have bigger, more populated mosques?

I cannot recall the amount of times I have witnessed racism during my life because it is countless, but I can recount some events.

Like how when my Kiwi Chinese Uncle got beaten up in Kaitaia so badly that his jaw was broken and needed pins put into it just because some randoms decided he was a 'g**k.'**

Like how in my first ever job an older colleague told me knowledgeably that all Islanders were lazy which I thought was an odd thing to say given there were almost zero Islanders in the small town we lived in and I had said nothing at all about Pasifika peoples.

Like how when I called the local police that time our neighbour was beating the shit out of someone on their deck their response was 'Are they coconuts?'  They're probably coconuts.  They're always beating each other up.  Don't worry about it.'  I was too gobsmacked to say anything (I was 18).

Like how my Kiwi Chinese boyfriend wouldn't tell people his ethnicity in certain circles and just let them assume he was part Maori so he could keep skateboarding in Helensville without dramas.

Like how I've only seen my POC boyfriends*** get punched in the face by random strangers and never my Pakeha boyfriends.

Like how the first time I visited the Gold Coast I found it so racist I cried and wanted to go home after the first two days but the thing is, the people who were most racist were all ex-pat Kiwi's who said things like 'at least they know how to treat their Blacks over here.'

Like how I had an argument about anti-Muslim ideologies with certain family members whilst on holiday in Rarotonga and was told to walk away so as not to ruin our holiday.

Like how I'm still having to argue with people on social media about systemic inequality and why Māori scholarships are not racist.

Like how I'm still having to explain income inequality due to ethnicity using basic statistics anyone could easily find themselves if they could be bothered.

Like how I had to tell my four year old that her friend telling her she should only be friends with white people was wrong.  And I had to hear her friend was bullying a new kid at Kindy because of her skin colour.  And how I then had to front up to Kindy and tell them this awful thing, in a place we had chosen for our kids because it reflected the diverse community we live in.  And I had to remind my daughter that her friend was not a bad person, she had just been taught unkind things.

I see and experience racism in New Zealand on an almost daily basis.

And this is what this terrorism is about.  The gunman's manifesto is largely anti-immigrationist and separatist.  In one part it states: “We must crush immigration and deport those invaders living on our soil. It’s not just a matter of prosperity, but the very survival of our people.”

So it is no surprise he chose New Zealand as a place to carry out this horrific act of violence.  Here, we are all immigrants or descendants of immigrants.  From the Māori who traveled here from Hawaiki, to the Pākehā who have arrived here steadily over the past 200+ years, to our Pasifika, Chinese and Indian communities and our refugee communities.  We, or our parents or Grandparents or distant ancestors came here to Aotearoa to find a better life.  In this, we are all the same.

Yet still, so many of us are focused on our differences.

No, casual racism is not the same as spitting bullets in a mosque during prayer time.  But it builds the culture that grows extremists.
 
We spent some time in our honeymoon in Brunei, and what struck me about being in this predominantly Muslim country was how friendly it was.  We were welcomed into the homes of strangers.  We got into cars with strangers.  We experienced hospitality and kindness from this community every day we were there even though we were different.  Even through we were travelers who were not only not Muslim, but not religious.

If any good is to come of this horror it should be that we think about how we treat others.  We need to acknowledge our failings as a nation and accept that we need to change.

We can do better.  We need to do better.  And we need to start now.



*Fucking Aussies!

** Just a heads up - this isn't a euphamism for 'geek'

*** And no, they weren't getting lippy.  Both times, they'd not even engaged in conversation with their face puncher.

Why I will not listen to Michael Jackson any more

So this morning while driving to Pak n Save I was startled by the opening throngs of Thriller on full blast.  And I wanted to cry.

Thriller, reinterpreted by Taika Waititi in Boy.

But I wasn't surprised.

Because this is the world I've grown up in.  A world of rape culture.  A world where people will fight for their right to keep the status quo at any cost.

Jimmy Safechuck with MJ                    

While I was gladdened by Mediaworks and NZME's response to the Leaving Neverland documentary I knew that by pulling Michael Jackson from their playlists there would be backlash.  That many, many people would say James Safechuck and Wade Robson had made it all up for a little bit of fame and money.  That people from Jackson's past would come forward to protect his image, his legacy.  I knew the likelihood of hearing more classic Michael Jackson tracks pumping out from sound systems around the world.

I know this because this is how society responds to rape accusations.  This is how society responds to any kind of abuse accusations against anyone who is not a random scary guy in the bushes.  Especially when that person is deemed exceptional, as if talent translates directly to moral fortitude.  I have lived with the consequences of standing up for myself against abuse*.  My abuser was not exceptional, just a regular charismatic and likeable person.  But no matter what my abuser had actually done, speaking out would put me on the stand to have my personhood questioned.

I know what it is like to struggle to find the language to articulate what was wrong in my life because I was a child.  I know how it feels to grow into an adult and find a voice and words to express what happened.  How I've had to do this tactfully, with minimal detail.  Because I still love the person who impacted my life in this way.  And because I am still fearful of the consequences of speaking out**.

Because even though I was only a child, and never possibly to blame for what happened, I would be blamed for speaking out.  When the truth is difficult for others to hear or comprehend, the fate of the speaker is to be silenced.

Me and a cousin as kids in the early 90's

I have experienced this silencing in many forms.  Firstly, I have had my personhood discredited.  It was my fault I could not process my abuse.  The abusers place in this was never mentioned.  The abuser was never a concern.  And this silencing began when I was just 14 years old***. 

I was told as a child I was 'too sensitive', 'over-dramatic', 'too contrary.'  When I did find words to wrap around my experience it was minimised.  I was told by people who never asked what happened to me that what happened was not that bad.  I was told the actions I was taking for self preservation were unfair and cruel to my abuser.  Sometimes I am still told these things now.

The hardest part about this is that the people silencing me were my family.

My family simultaneously saved me from my situation whilst never really speaking about it.  I never felt I was encouraged to speak, and to be fair I was also very scared of what might happen if I did.  Part of me is still fearful.  So it certainly wasn't easy for them.  In defense of my family, we are not taught how to speak about these things.  But a part of me believes that even had I been specific about the abuses I suffered it would have made no difference to my family's response.

This is Andrew.  He was always the
perfect gentleman.  He helped us get
gigs.  He helped me contact The Labour
Party when they were late taking their

hoardings down.  He is also accused of
abusing young women.

Because no-one likes to believe that people they know are capable of such acts.  Including me.  A few years ago Andrew Tidball was accused of having inappropriate relationships with very young women.  Initially I was shocked.  I was one of the many people who 'liked' his initial statement on Facebook.  He had never been anything but a gentleman to me.  My gut response was that it could not possibly be true.

But after thinking about it, and reading more about the specifics of the accusations I thought about his accusers.  What did they have to gain by making this up?  I was not his target demographic for abuse.  While I was young when I met him I was over 20, white skinned and bolshy.  Like most abusers he will have crafted his friend group and situation so that he was always seen as the good guy.  Like most abusers he hid in plain sight.  Like most abusers, he had most of us suckered even though, retrospectively, there were signs that things were not right.

My gut reaction was because I didn't want it to be true.  I didn't want it to be true because it meant I had, in effect, supported someone who abused young women.  And that was a horrible feeling.  I think this is a common response.  I suspect why now we are seeing all these articles by MJ's staff and friends is precisely due to this same gut reaction.  That if the accusations are true, we are guilty by association.

These days I have heard enough stories of abuse to just believe them without question.  These days I know that only 2% of rape accusations are false.  I know that of 100 sexual violations in NZ only 9 will be reported, and only one of those abusers convicted.  Knowing this, I know how few people will share their story.  How can I not believe that Michael Jackson sexually abused those boys?

I cannot believe they had motive in making this documentary other than to have their voices heard.  I cannot believe that the award winning director, Dan Reed, would stake his reputation in film-making on a flimsy premise.  What I can believe is that enough time has passed since MJ's death - almost 10 years, that they felt safe enough to talk about what happened to them.  That they needed to talk about what happened to them to assuage the pain and guilt they felt about not talking about it.

And I am glad they did.  I know how hard it is to talk about this stuff.  I know the likelihood of having your truth stomped on.  I know that 99 out of 100 times someone is sexually violated in NZ the abuser will walk away with no comeuppance.  And I know this is due to our culture.  This is because we don't want to talk about the fact that our friends, our parents, our siblings, our coaches and teachers are also our abusers.  Because we know what happens to people who talk frankly about their, and our, reality.

Michael Jackson's estate has sued HBO.  His estate will do whatever it takes to silence his victims.  They will discredit their words.  They will minimise their accusations.  They will call them thoughtless and cruel.  They will do what the rest of the world does to any one of us who calls out our abusers.

We have only to look at the changing face of Michael Jackson
to see how unhappy he was with himself.  How broken he was.

We know abuse begets abuse.  It's common knowledge that Michael Jackson was sexually abused as a child, that he was beaten by his father, that he had no normalcy in childhood.  This does not make what he did ok.  Rather than focus on the why, we should be focused on what we can do as a society to break the cycle of abuse.  Why did those boys, and countless others have to live through what they did when instead, their abusers pain could have been addressed?

We have the power to re-educate ourselves so our children do not have to live as we did.  We can teach them how to understand feelings, and that they have a safe space to express them to us.  We can encourage transparency by showing them unconditional love.  We can educate ourselves the impact of childhood trauma so we can recognise and repair it.  We can empower our children so they can live different lives than we have.

I know this is not easy.  We are working against what feels natural, particularly here in Aotearoa with our 'she'll be right' attitude.  Things are not right.  33 - 39% of our wahine will experience physical and/or sexual abuse from their intimate partner.  We have the 5th worst child abuse rate in the OECD.  Things are not right and we cannot change this until we acknowledge what is wrong.  We need to start building safe spaces for people to speak.  We need to start listening.

When I heard Thriller booming out on a strangers stereo this morning all I heard was an attempt to drown out the voices of the abused.  And I know this is not how most people will feel.

But I will not contribute to the drowning out of those voices.  Because mine is one of them and it is one of many.

* In my case the abuse I'm referring to was not sexual.  But it was still abuse.  Of course I have a litany of other sexual trespasses against me that will also inform this feeling.  You can read about them here.

** Like most of us, my abuser was known to me.  And like most of us, they too experienced horrific childhood trauma.  Trauma is cyclical.  Trauma is inherited.

*** Even earlier if you take into account the atmosphere of my childhood.

What I'm Crying About In The Bath

My brain is all over the place hence so many weird bath thoughts recently.  And while I think some of these thoughts deserve their own full blog post, I do not have the brain nor energy currently to write them.  But watch this space!  Both of these things will likely return of their own accord some day.  This is the life of the anxious, working, arting Mum.

So I'm not massive, but bigger and uncomfy.
(looking at goldfish in Kaitaia on holiday)

My Body
So my body is the largest it's ever been, almost larger in weight than during my second pregnancy.  And I am struggling with it.  The fact that I am struggling with it is the part I find the hardest.  I do not think poorly of bigger people.  I do not think they are lazy or stupid or any of the other awful stereotypes that come with being bigger.  But I am still not used to being bigger.

And I desperately want to be comfortable because this is just one of the side effects of a medical condition.  This is the reality of my life now.  I do not have the time, energy or headspace to dedicate to a full-on attack on my fatness especially in the face of the likelihood it may be futile anyway due to my body over-producing oestrogen.  And the silly thing is that the futility makes me sad and feel like saying 'fuck it all' and over eating anyway because I may as well derive some comfort while living with this body.

I am struggling to exercise in this bigger body because it feels unweildy.  Because it is different.  It is not that I dislike exercise - I love swimming and walking and waterwalking.  But wearing more flesh than I once did I feel nervous in swimwear and anxious about sports apparel.  And I know this compounds the issue of the body I am not yet accustomed to.

I am learning how to dress myself to feel better about this change.  I think in time this will help me feel more confident with my new shape and (hopefully) soon at the point of saying 'fuck it' to the fear of swimwear and yes to getting back in the pool.  In times where I struggle to simply dress myself I often think of my super hot bigger friends and think 'What would they wear?' and it helps me find clothes and confidence to face the day.

I feel silly about this struggle because there are so many bigger issues (excuse the pun).  But this is my truth.  I feel guilty over my discomfort in my body, because I personally love all body types.  I love the diversity that is the world and humans in it.  But from this overweight angle, it is crystal clear that many folk do not feel this way. 

I feel the prejudices that come with being bigger.  I've had the GPs asking about my weight in terms of existing health issues.  I've had the (many) people asking if I'm pregnant.  I've had friends genuinely concerned about my health.  I've had the disbelief that this could possibly be due to medical reasons, from friends and GP's alike (read a bit about women's health issues for a change why dontcha?).

I can see how bigger folk could be beaten with words their whole lives.  I can see how easy it would be to give up.  To believe the haters.  To feel worthless.  I want to give up often and I've only had to feel this for a comparitively short time.  I can see why so many of the bigger women I know are so tough, so fierce.  They have to become warriors to survive this fattist society.

Whenever I feel uncomfortable I try and focus on the gorgeous warrior women I know and emulate them.  Fake it til you make it.  I have hope, but I haven't made it yet.

So even if you don't consider yourself wealthy

if you are in the middle economically you are

much better off than those in the bottom.

Economic Abuse

Recent situations have made me realise how easy it is to become economically abused without even knowing it.  How easy it would also be to become an unintentional economic abuser.  And at the heart of it, I think it's just what happens when there are large wealth gaps.

Those who have wealth often have, or learn other things that ensure they maintain that wealth:

• If wealth has been earned they are more inclined to believe that wealth is garnered through hard work.
• If wealth has been inherited they will have more access to information about financial management.
• Once you have some wealth and are able to invest, you are able to grow more money.
• If you have wealth, you can more easily survive fiscal setbacks so have a more positive view on overcoming obstacles.

Those who do not have wealth often learn things that make it harder to have wealth:

• Those who work hard for a pittance understand that hard work does not always pay off financially.
• Those who have never experienced wealth will have less experience with fiscal management.
• If wealth has been lost people may become more risk averse and less trusting of professionals.
• When you are living paycheck to paycheck it is harder to survive financial setbacks.
• Being in debt costs money.

These differences in perception about money will impact on relationships between those in different 'wealth camps'.  When love or duty are involved it can mean that the wealthy aid the less fortunate.  Which is fantastic in premise.  But often it means those without wealth feel indebted to the wealthy, equally sometimes the wealthy may feel those without wealth owe them something.  This power imbalance can contribute to maintaining this hegemony.  Those without wealth working to repay those with wealth either financially or with gifts or time.  Those with wealth not understanding why those without wealth are in that economic position.

Within families/groups of friends this can mean that those with wealth have power in terms of decision making.  This power is easily maintained by those without wealth feeling they have a debt to pay to those with wealth.  This power means that within this dynamic there will never be equality, fiscally or otherwise.  And most of the time it is not an intentional dynamic, it is just one that naturally develops.

It is the same in broader society.  The best way we can shift to a more useful dynamic, where those who have less have more power and those who have more have less power, is by economically leveling the playing field.  There are many ways we can do this including: paying a living wage, raising income tax on the upper earning brackets, fairer taxing of property and investment, lowering costs for those on low incomes and providing free, accessible fiscal education at school. 

And at a personal level it is important to recognise our privilege and check our judgments and assumptions when making decisions that financially impact others.

What if you never live to see this money?

Kiwisaver 
Following on from this ^ the realisation the Kiwisaver is only designed for the well and the privileged.  Kiwisaver is based on a false premise - that all New Zealanders have equal likelihood of making it to retirement age.  This is just not true.  Māori men and women are expected to live on average seven years less than their non-Māori counterparts.  Most Māori men will pass away just seven years into their retirement if not sooner.

For those New Zealanders that discover they have an illness that will likely shorten their lifespan, this is equally unfair.  If you have already signed on to Kiwisaver yes, you can take a 'contributions holiday'.  But that money you have already worked hard for, to save for your retirement cannot be taken out any earlier even if you know you will not live to see 65.  And while you can apply to take some out for 'Significant Financial Hardship' you need to provide a ridiculous amount of paperwork, be in financial hardship and even then you cannot take out your government contributions.

The good news for your whanau is that when you die your Kiwisaver will go to your estate.  But this isn't exactly heartwarming news when you cannot afford to pay your electricity bill and will not likely see retirement.  Or if you have no living friends or relatives.

A fucking excellent book I highly recommend

Trans Health

Sooo many things here I'm just going to talk about my bath idea.
I've just finished reading a fantastic book called Transition Denied: Confronting the Crisis in Trans Healthcare by Journalist Jane Fae.  It made me think more about our current health system and how it manages our trans friends and whanau.  In a word - poorly.  I'm looking for advocacy in terms of support of someone I know and it is not easy to find (but I will find it don't you worry!). 

My bath idea was that it would be really awesome if there were a directory of services and GPs in NZ that are trans educated and trans accepting.  I know how scary it is for trans-folk to just go to the Drs, and I also know how high the discrimination rates against them are - particularly from the medical community.  Something like this would make it easier for those looking for help and support to hit less road blocks on their path to finding themselves.  And this is so important because sometimes those road blocks end lives.

So if this doesn't already exist, I'm going to try and find a way to build it.  And if it does already exist, I will promote the shit out of it.

Tattoos
I really want another one.  But they are EXPENSIVE.