On How I Feel When I See #istandwithjohnny

I'm writing this because it just won't stop niggling at my brain.

Like many I've been following the court case.  I don't want to be - it's like trying not to look at a car crash - you know it's wrong, but it's hard to look away.  I don't want to be interested in this*.  It's frustrating.

What I find more frustrating than my own inability to look away is seeing so many folk sharing the hashtags 'I stand with Johhny Depp' or 'I stand with Johnny' (there are 17,000 + posts linked to those hashtags).  The simplification of this case into 'with him or against him' is extremely unhelpful.

Because unfortunately, things are just not that simple.

A chunk of the problem here is due to social media.  It's great at boiling things down to their bare essentials - Are you pro Trump or anti Trump?  Are mandates a good thing or a bad thing?  Is the dress blue or is it gold?  Choose a side, plant your feet and argue with anyone with an alternative position.  Increasingly the presentation of ideas on social media are like these - black and white.  Spat out in ways that pit people against each other.  This is not only problematic in how it fuels dissent, but because life is rarely black and white.  There are many, many grey areas.

When I see #Istandwithjohnny it feels like these people believe if you don't get hit, you have not been abused.  Therefore Amber abused Johnny - he did not abuse Amber.  That because she was abusive toward him, what he did to her is longer constituted as abuse.  This feels massively reductive, and unhelpful - particularly after seeing footage of Johnny Depp's behaviour around and toward Amber.  It feels like a punch in the guts because it's saying my experience of abuse don't matter.  That so many women's experiences of abuse do not matter.

The Power And Control Wheel

Yes, domestic violence can and does happen to men too.   It isn't specific to heterosexual relationships - it can occur in any relationship.  But these crimes are more often than not perpetrated by men against women.

In New Zealand, 35% of women have experienced physical or sexual violence from an intimate partner in their lifetime.  When other forms of violence like those in the wheel above are included, this jumps to 55%.  And 87% of women who experienced physical or sexual violence from an intimate partner did not report it.  More recent statistics (published after the lockdowns) suggest this rate to be closer to 94%.  And 78% of intimate partner homicides in Aotearoa are perpetrated by men against their current or former partner.

In comparison 7.4% of men have experienced physical or sexual violence from an intimate partner in their lifetime.  When all forms of abuse are included, this jumps to 17%.  And just 2% of intimate partner homicides are perpetrated by women against their male partner or ex-partner.  That's 76% less than homicides perpetrated by men against women.

I do not use these statistics to back the notion that Amber is innocent in this.  I use this to show you just how many women may have experienced similar situations and not reported them.  Amber also did not report her abuse.  I expect like most people that don't report their abuse she was quite terrified of being dragged through court.  That she was aware she had some culpability in things, or that even if she didn't it would be made to look as if there was.  That she was uncomfortable with being poked and prodded by defense lawyers about the specifics of her abuse.  I can fully understand instead using a pen to vent her frustrations with her dysfunctional relationship.

                          Johnny's mangled finger

I have no doubt from what I've seen from the court case that Johnny Depp and Amber Heard's relationship was dysfunctional.  There is plenty of evidence to confirm this whether he cut off the top of his own finger as initially stated, or whether she did with a broken bottle.  To me, the truth of the specifics are largely irrelevant.  The court case is a defamation suit.  The level of violence from either party shouldn't come into it.  That Amber Heard stating (without using his name) that her relationship with Johnny was abusive is the crux of the matter.

And the footage I saw of Johnny losing it - slamming doors and throwing things - is by any clinical definition abusive.  Living with a person who thinks this kind of behaviour is ok, that it's 'normal' is living with someone who is abusive.  Using threats and intimidation is classic controlling behaviour.  And I very much doubt that short clip was the extent of the abuse perpetrated within this relationship - whether it came from both sides or not.

Choosing not to see the grey area, choosing to #standwithjohnny, signifies to very many of us with lived experience like Amber's, that abuse that is not physical or sexual does not count.  Abuse, when retaliative, is acceptable. That women in these dysfunctional relationships should just keep their mouths shut as the vast majority of us have been doing for centuries.

Choosing to #standwithjohnny is choosing to maintain the status quo.

I have little to no doubt that both Johnny and his lawyers were aware that the footage and texts highlighted would come to light in court.  So this tells me:

a) He and his legal team do not constitute those behaviours to be abusive and/or
b) His character witnesses and social status will allow people to forgive this level of behaviour (if he appears remorseful of course).

These are both deeply problematic.

A little love from Johnny's fans...                      

The fact that Johnny Depp's fans

are allowed to attend court is just wrong.  Standing up in court is hard enough without knowing that there are people there who do not know you, have no interest in knowing you and will never believe or support you.  His fanclub is like a physical manifestation of the size of his ego.  Men with egos this big seldom admit they are wrong.  Men with egos this big do not believe they will fail.  And in my experience, men with egos this big are much of the time, dangerous people.

The fact that he hired a psychiatrist to 'diagnose' Ambers mental health disorders is also deeply problematic.  His legal team hired the psychiatrist.  And what they diagnosed her with was of no surprise to me.  Not because it was an obvious diagnosis for Amber, but because these diagnoses have been used to discredit women for decades.

The term Borderline Personality Disorder was proposed by Adolph Stern in 1939 but didn't make it's way into the DSM until the third edition in 1980 courtesy of Otto F. Kernberg.  It is used to describe a collection of symptoms attributed to people (predominantly women) with primitive psychological defenses - mood swings, unstable self image and a tendency toward self harm.

These days, BPD is considered a controversial diagnosis.  Not only is it rumoured** to have entered the DSM III as a means of sectioning psychiatric practitioners problematic wives, but it's resistance to treatment and continued problematic behaviour means it's not a particularly useful diagnosis for those unfortunately so diagnosed.

And as for histrionic personality disorder, well.  Not only is it's name rooted in misogyny (hystera being Greek for 'womb' hysteria meaning 'wandering womb' ie: displacement of womanhood) but it's considered to be the most ambiguous diagnostic category in psychiatry.  In other words, pretty much useless.  Other than being a disorder which helps remind us all that 'bitches be trippin'.'

I have zero doubts that Amber Heard has mental health issues just as I have zero doubts that Johnny Depp is an egotistical narcissist.  But I equally do not doubt that Johnny Depp's 'psychiatrist' diagnosed her with these outdated mental illnesses to discredit Amber in court.  No decent, up-to-date, psychiatrist would simplify her behaviours to two such outdated, and vague diagnoses***.

A more suitable diagnosis, in my personal opinion, is PTSD.

As someone formally diagnosed with PTSD (in my case now considered CPTSD) I can say that many of her behaviours could result from this.  Her misremembering the brand of the makeup she used to cover up bruises could easily be a result of PTSD.  I have had someone try to discredit one of my experiences of sexual abuse because I could not remember one specific.  I know how easily you can want to fill in the blanks to lend credibility to what happened and get it wrong.

Aside from problems with memory some of the things I have struggled with include anxiety, depression, dissociative episodes and difficulty managing my emotions.  Now I have safety nets in place and a more stable life, this is the extent of it and it's generally quite manageable.  However when I was younger, it presented quite differently: engaging in self harming behaviour, abusing alcohol, acting bizarrely, drastically changing my appearance when unhappy.  I recognise all of these behaviours in Amber.

Me in my mid 20's - almost naked and entirely blue...

Based on her op ed and her early experiences of abuse it's likely that Amber's PTSD existed well before she met Depp.  have no doubt she was drawn to a relationship fraught with problems because of her PTSD.  And living with someone who has a problem with addiction and has an ego like Depp's, would certainly be triggering.  I have no doubt Amber Heard acted out as a consequence of this situation.

*        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *       

I understand completely that her op-ed negatively impacted his career.

I understand that aspects of their relationship have likely been exaggerated - by both parties. But the relationship was abusive whether that abuse went both ways or not.  Regardless of her part in things, Amber was abused.  The major problem with him winning this case is like many, it sets a very messed up precedent for victims of abuse.  It's a very clear message that it's not abuse when someone throws stuff around the room and jokes about killing you and 'fucking (her) burnt corpse afterward to make sure she's dead'.  It's not abusive to attempt to control how your partner looks and what work she chooses to do.  

But it is wrong to the tune of $50,000,000, to talk about your experiences.

And this is just so wrong.

It is hard for me seeing stories like this played time and time again.  Woody Allen is still making movies in spite of being a pedophile. As are Charlie Sheen and Dustin Hoffman, both accused on multiple occasions of sexual assault.  While some men have been prosecuted, found guilty of their crimes and been 'cancelled', an equal amount of women are labelled as 'hysterical' or 'impossible to work with' simply for not fitting the mold of a passive object and speaking their mind.

It's hard for me not to view these kinds of trials as the witch trials of modern times.

But it's very easy for me to understand why 94% of victims of intimate partner violence do not speak out.

* There is a clear and obvious reason why.  People with my background will either be following this case closely or avoiding it like the plague because it's triggering.

** Murray told me it was commonly described at Auckland Uni (psych degree) as a condition which made it into the DSM as a way of being able to diagnose and section psychiatrists and medical practitioners wives...

*** Just incidentally, what is the usual cause of BPD?  Abuse and trauma.  It's also considered to 'run in families'... like intergenerational abuse and trauma.  What is the cause of PTSD?  Abuse and trauma...

Scars

So I recently fractured my thumb.  It was a ridiculous accident.  I was playing air hockey and, intent on winning, accidentally smacked my thumb on the edge of the table.  That was it.  But as you can see in the xray that little thing caused a small section of bone to fracture off the base of my top thumb bone.  It's a small thing but has been quite debilitating.  Eight weeks on, I still have some pain, some weird nerve stuff, decreased movement.  I'm still in fortnightly physio.  I still can't use it to turn the keys in the ignition.

And although I was somewhat surprised that I'd managed to break it so easily, that wasn't the biggest surprise for me in this xray.  I have circled the interesting thing.  Another fracture.  A fracture that has healed very well over time and causes me no problems.  But I never had an xray when that fracture happened.  I know it didn't happen in my adulthood as I've been damned good at having things xrayed when I've suspected injury.  And being someone who isn't super coordinated there have been a few.  But this is the first one I've taken the time to look at myself.

I remember how this fracture happened.  At least I'm pretty sure this is how it happened.  Unless it happened when I was very small where my memories are patchy.  I'm pretty sure it happened the only time I can remember thinking I'd broken my finger.

It was after school.  A girl a few years younger than me asked me to help her regarding someone who was bullying her (her brother).  So I had a chat with him in the classroom.  The chairs had been put up on the tables ready for the cleaner.  He threw one at me*.  I put my hands up to protect my face and it hit my right hand.  My finger hurt and had a lump sticking out the side.  Not wanting him to see that it hurt, I didn't cry.  Instead, I pointed my weird looking finger at him and chased him.  He ran away.

Now I know this happened.  I remember this happening.  But I never told my parents that this happened.  I may have taped them together myself - it seems like something a 12 year old me might have done - but maybe I didn't.  Maybe I didn't want to draw attention to my injury.  Whatever I did I didn't tell a single adult about what had happened.  I didn't seek medical help.  I just kept on trucking.

Here's me dressed up for Halloween aged 9ish
in our kitchen in South Head              

This probably seems crazy to most people so I'm going to break it down into two parts.  This is the first part.  It's the easy and logical part - the believable part.  And that part is that we were poor.  We mostly lived in very isolated places - at times more than an hour from even a dairy or petrol station.  We hardly ever sought medical support because we simply could not go.  We could not afford the petrol to get there let alone the medical fees.  Since he was little my brother has been prone to skin infections**.  At one point he had some awful ones on his back.  Dad lanced them with a hot poker in our dining room.  I once got a 2cmish piece of bark stuck in my foot from running the inter-school cross-country barefoot.  I had seen the medic at the event and they had diagnosed a cut filled with dirt and put a sticking plaster on it.  Back home, Dad cut open my foot to extract the bark.  It hurt like hell.  While home surgery was generally as sterile as home surgery can get, it was never accompanied by pain relief.

Now this is the second part.  This is the hard part, the part I've always struggled to talk about in a way it can be made sense of because we're discouraged to talk about these things.  This part is that I was afraid.  I was afraid that if I told my parents what had happened I would get in trouble for 'fighting'.  As a girl in an at times*** extremist Christian household, this kind of behaviour was certainly not deemed to be ladylike.  And I was afraid of creating another problem in a home that already had enough problems.  And I felt this way because I lived with someone who gave me good reason to be afraid.

This is hard to write.  Even harder to publish hence the revisit since the first draft about five months ago.  It's hard because I have always tried to protect the people that were part of my childhood, that are still living and still part of my life.  But I know this silence is exactly what perpetuates family violence issues.  And in Aotearoa, family violence is a big problem and big reality for many of us.  Here, in about half of all homicides the offender is a family member.  And one in three women will experience physical or sexual violence perpetrated by an intimate partner.  There's plenty more awful stats which you can read for yourself here.  And while some people are not safely positioned to talk about what's happened, I am hoping I am not one of those people.  As such, I feel it's important I try and articulate aspects of my experience so that those not living with family violence can gain some kind of understanding.  And so that those living with it feel less alone.

The second part is that I was afraid of my Dad.  Growing up, my home was not a safe space to be injured in, not a safe place to be sick in and definitely not a safe space to speak up or disagree.

When I was about eleven he beat our puppy so badly he broke its leg.  He beat it because it was howling at night.  Because it had been put outside alone in the kennel.  Because it was not used to sleeping alone because it was just a baby not long weaned from its mother.  And in the morning when he realised how badly he'd injured it, he shot it.  He put it out of it's misery.  He never said this, but I'm sure it was because he was ashamed of what he'd done.  He told us it was because we couldn't afford to take it to the vet.  This was equally true.

I was afraid of my father because his behaviour was erratic.  Because sometimes he could be patient.  Because sometimes he answered my questions about the world as honestly as he could.  But other times I was expected to maintain complete silence - to be seen and not heard.  Because he taught me that a woman's place was in the home, but I was still expected to go and work on the farm.  And once, when I questioned this imbalance regarding washing dishes, he threw his cutlery at me.

I was afraid of my father because he threatened us.  He threatened to take my brother and I away from our mother to Australia.  Sometimes he threatened to kill my mother.  He threatened to kill us all and himself afterward.  I was small when he first said these things - but he was still saying them when I was fourteen years old, and I still believed him.  I was afraid of my father because he was so charismatic that many, many people in our local community sang his praises.  Because my mother voluntarily went back to him after fighting so hard to get away.  Because I didn't understand what this magical power he had was, and why it seemed to work on everyone but me.  Because I knew if I told, no-one would believe me.  Growing up, I felt afraid and very, very alone.
          

*            *            *           *            *            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

My thumb is completely healed now.  Sometimes it hurts a bit, but by 12 weeks my flexibility and strength were basically as good as new.  The finger that I broke also healed completely fine.  On the xray I can see it has healed in place with the slight calcification on the outside you'd expect from a simple fracture.

I'm not missing that giant thumb splint!

I have told the story of how I broke my thumb to countless people - customers at work, friends, whanau, people on the street.  I had never told anyone how I broke my finger until I checked in with Mum before writing this post.  Bones can knit.  And muscles can regain their lost capacity.  Through physio.  Through witnessing progress in movement, through gaining strength as time passes.

When we don't talk about our other scars, we don't allow them to heal cleanly.

We all have scars.  Whether physical or emotional we all have them.  Our lives, and the lives of those who shape us, are imperfect and we cannot change our past.  For those of us who have scars like mine, scars that impact how our synapses form as toddlers, scars that change us markedly from our unscathed peers, it is so important that we talk about them.  That we acknowledge that pain and loss.  That we treat them more like we would a fracture, we diagnose, triage and physio them.

And hopefully by talking about our scars, we can prevent future injuries.

* This incident doesn't even rank in the worst bullying/physically violent things that happened to me whilst at school.

** He still is.  He can literally scrape his knuckles on something and it'll be red and infected with lines going up his arm the next day.

*** I am very certain that Dad had undiagnosed bipolar.  While he had grown up in a Christian household, we were not a church going, Bible thumping family.  He would go off on religious benders.  At those times, simple things like me cutting my hair into a short bob were considered major breaches.  I was 'unfeminine' and short hair on a woman 'went against God'.  He wasn't like this all the time.  Religious mania or Messiah complex are commonly experienced during bipolar episodes.

On NZd's Culture of Abuse Part 2

This post will focus on what makes abusers, and how we can change this.

Recent police data shows that the majority of those directly affected by violent crimes in Aotearoa are women (54%), and perpetrators are overwhelmingly male (76%).  And violence resulting in injury is perpetrated by a higher percentage of men (87%) against a higher percentage of women (65%).  While these stats also reflect that men are also victims, and women perpetrators, they are the minority.  3/4 of all violent crimes, and almost 90% of serious violent crimes (resulting in injury) are perpetrated by men. 

Crimes of a violent nature are overwhelmingly a male problem.

There is no 'male' or 'female' brain.  Just brain.

Why is this? It is often blamed on the 'male'* hormone testosterone, but this is a simplistic argument.  Metastudies have shown that in spite of popular opinion, there is little difference between the male and female brain.  Studies that have been touted as 'proving' difference based on gender have for the most part been discredited.  This is due to size (some referenced studies with as few as 12 participants), inconsistency in results, or showing too marginal a difference to be of note.  The only studies which have consistently shown any difference between men and women regard spacial visualisation abilities.  And even so, the difference is less than 5%.**  So testosterone and 'male brains' are not likely the culprits.

If it's not nature, then surely it's nurture.

Aotearoa's 'culture' of the 1960's (when my Mother was born) was all about rugby racing and beer.  And this illustrates an important point.  Because rugby, racing and beer were just for men.  We may have won the right to vote before other nations (thanks to the temperance movement) but, prior to 1961 women weren't allowed to drink in public outside of hotel bars.  Women could not be professional jockey's until 1978 and we did not have an international women's rugby team until 1991.  Although this was recognised as quintessentially 'Kiwi' culture, for decades our culture excluded women.

So many of us have grown up with an image of New Zealand in which our women were rendered invisible.  While this is changing (slowly, we still have more 'John's' in the boardroom than women...) we still have a long way to go in terms of gender equality.  And we constantly seem to be roadblocking that by creating new trends that mark gender.

This new tradition does not serve us.

We live in a time of gender reveal parties.  Where the first question many of us are asked when we discover we will become parents is 'Would you prefer a girl or a boy?'  When you can get blood tests that can determine your babies gender from just 10 weeks into your pregnancy.  Before these tiny humans are even born, their gender is considered the most important thing about them.

Even if like me, you've tried really hard to avoid this.  As a feminist with a strong desire to build a better world for the next generation I have worked hard to avoid gender typing.  But kids don't live inside a vacuum.  Etta was teased by other girls at Kindy for wearing 'boy' clothes.  Now, at not quite six she and her friends are already struggling with physical intimidation by boys in the playground.  I've sat in school assemblies where playground violence has been quietly attributed to 'the boys'.  And even while this may be true, and even while they were being told it was wrong, telling them this is what boys do is not helping.

Even though it mightn't seem so, it's as bad as saying 'boys will be boys'.

Because when we say this, kids hear us.  They hear that this is what we expect from them.  And because gender is talked about as an important defining part of who they are, they want to meet those expectations.  They want to play the part expected of them so they can be a 'good' boy or girl.  So if we tell our boys they are rough, unemotional and not good with words, and we tell our girls to be pretty, they will work hard to be what we say they are.  And this doesn't serve anyone, particularly our kids.

There are many things our violence rates illustrate about what is wrong in our culture.  To me though, the biggest one is that boys need to be allowed, and taught how to manage their emotions and that it's ok to cry***.  In Aotearoa particularly, men are expected to be staunch, to be strong, to not cry.  Sometimes it feels like the only emotion are boys are expected to express is anger.  On many occasions I've seen men I know struggling to process emotion go straight to anger.  And how can we expect any different?  If they are not taught to feel and manage other emotions, where else can they go?

 Voices like John Kirwin's and Mike King's are so important.
What would help even more if someone came out about addressing their anger.

I expect our ever increasing male suicide rates might answer this question.

It doesn't feel nice hurting people.  Yes, there are certainly sadists out there who get a kick out of it, but I believe they are the minority.  Acknowledging that we have hurt someone is hard.  For anyone.  Particularly hard if you don't know how to deal with your emotions.  Statistics show that many perpetrators of abuse were abused themselves.  For those people, they not only have to process their mistakes, but they have to process what happened to them.  It's a lot to process.  I am not justifying abuse as a course of action here, I am simply saying that we need to do more to support our men emotionally.  Equality is a two way street.  Why shouldn't men have the same tools as women?  Not having them is literally killing them, and in the process, us.

So what can we do to change this?

There are many small things we can do to change this culture of abuse, within our own homes, families and communities.  It will take time to change, but it won't change at all if we don't do anything about it.  Here are a few simple things we can do to change this culture.

• Educate ourselves on our countries history.  Use this education to help us acknowledge the impact colonialism had, and still has on Māori.
  
• Educate ourselves on what abuse looks like.  There are plenty of resources online, and many courses you can do.  Can you recognise systemic abuse?  Can you recognise fiscal abuse?  Can you recognise emotional abuse?
  
• Educate ourselves on the links between sexism, racism, abelism and abuse.  Understanding this will help us teach our children differently (hopefully).
  Good on ya Kanoa!
  

• Vote for political parties that acknowledge this issue and are willing to do the work to make relevant changes in law reform, mental health outreach and support, and equality.
  
• Support your local woman's refuge however you can.  Equally, support programmes that support men in accessing and managing their emotions.  Do not assume all programmes out there are helpful, or that if someone is attending one they will be 'better'.*****  This is not a simple problem that can easily be fixed.
  
• If abuse has happened in your family try and work through the shame.  Seek help to address proactive ways of managing what has happened through counseling, or talking with people that you trust.  We need to erase the stigma around abuse.
  
• Make sure your children understand what emotions are, why they are feeling them, and things they can do to manage those feelings.
  
• Do not tolerate violence in your own home (where possible).
  
• Realise this is not a black and white issue.  There are many sides to any story, and while all are relevant, resolutions should focus on respecting boundaries set for safety.
  
• Act with kindness.
  
• Share what you learn with your loved ones and children.

* Women produce testosterone too... Just in smaller amounts.

**Please read Delusions of Gender by Cordelia Fine for more info.

*** The flip side of this is, of course, that girls need to it's ok to be strong.  It's ok to go against the grain and they shouldn't be punished for it.  The other thing those stats illustrated is that females are more likely to suffer a violent assault than men.  Sadly, other data shows that girls who grow up in a home where their Mum is abused by their Dad are six times more likely to experience sexual abuse, than girls who don't.  Equally, a young boy witnessing his mother being abused is 10 times more likely to abuse a future female partner.

**** I've been to a few domestic violence groups now where women have said their partners/ex-partners used their anger management classes as justification for their behavior/ to minimise the abuse they perpetrated.

***** Although it overwhelmingly impacts on trans folk more than any other group, queer people and women.

On NZd's Culture of Abuse Part 1

So I've been thinking about this a lot lately.  Which, if you read my blog regularly, may come as no surprise.  But recent events, both personal and political have caused me to need to speak.  This week I read about a friend celebrating her one year anniversary since her stalker was convicted.  I have heard Brian Tamaki threaten prison riots and minimise rape purely because his Man Up courses have not been instituted in prisons.  This week I had my voice silenced by someone I've known for most of my life, simply for speaking about the impact of abuse.  I am probably not saying anything on this topic that hasn't already been said.  In fact, I read a fantastic article about this on Noted earlier this week.

How can any person run a course on violence who
incites and promotes violence himself?            

 

But for me, blogging feels like taking action.  I only voice things publicly when I feel that if just one person reads this and learns something from it then it's worth sharing.  On topics around trauma, I speak because I know so many can't.  This isn't easy for me.  But I'm a strong believer that the personal is political and I know that the small things we say and do can make big changes.  I believe this, because I see it happening in both good and bad ways every day.  And I think this is particularly true to us here in Aotearoa, where each one of us is a greater percentage of population than in larger countries.

Here in Aotearoa, every single one of us will know both someone who has been abused, and someone who is an abuser.  Every one of us.

Even if we don't know it. 

Those who are abused are often not in a position to come forward about their abuse.  What I mean by this is that coming forward may risk victims of abuse a loss in financial or family support, or even their lives.  Almost 75% of domestic violence homicides happen while the person is trying to leave, or in the two weeks after they leave their violent partner.  90% of sexual assault is perpetrated by someone known to the victim.  33 - 39% of women in New Zealand experience physical or sexual violence from an intimate partner.  Our abusers are our partners, lovers, friends and family.  This is not easy to talk about.

      Everyone should be familiar with this

Secondly, many people do not understand what abuse looks like.  Abuse is not always bruises and black eyes, or hate speech or unwanted sexual contact.  Abuse can be many things.  Abuse can be someone using finances as a mean of controlling your behavior.  It can be having threats made against pets or loved ones.  It can be acts of violence against inanimate objects.  The cycle of violence is a great resource to refer to if you are questioning whether something happening in your life constitutes abuse.

For me, growing up with abuse was not about getting smacked.  I did, but not often and never with undue force and smacking was pretty normal in the 80's.  The infrequent smacking was never the problem.  For me, the abuse was more about a sense of fear.  That if I said the wrong thing, there would be consequences, and these consequences were demonstrated.  I was 13 when Once Were Warriors was released and I saw it in the cinema with my family.  And my family said 'this is not us'. And that was true.  It wasn't.  But I still didn't think I would survive my childhood. 

Even when abuse does not leave a physical mark, it leaves a mark.

For children growing up with abuse this mark often takes the form of Complex PTSD.  Young children who suffer abuse or neglect have brains that are wired differently.  Their neurological pathways are not able to develop normally.  Children who have grown up with abuse struggle with many things others take for granted like regulating their emotions, sleeping or trusting other people.  They struggle with self image and feeling worthy of love.  Those with Complex PTSD are far more likely to attempt suicide than those without.

My actual diagnoses are PTSD and Dissociative Disorder.  But basically, I have CPTSD*.  This is a lifelong diagnoses.  I have always had it.  I always will.  I have no idea what it feels like to be 'normal.'  I am anxious, particularly about social situations.  I take medication to manage this.  If I don't, it takes so much energy to go to work, or take the kids to Kindy and school I become non-functional.  I often feel that I am wearing a 'human suit' and staring out through the eye holes.  This feeling often makes me question my existence.  I have attempted suicide.  I have bouts of insomnia but I've learned ways to manage this**.  I am sensitive to the emotions of others.  I am easily startled.

These marks compound mine, and others, ability to speak out.  How does one speak out if they do not feel they can trust others?  How does an emotionally fragile person present as a viable witness?

If we contrast that with the skills we know perpetrators of abuse often have, it is easy to see why it's simply easier to ignore abuse.  Abusers are manipulative.  They are often charming and affable.  And they are all of these things precisely because if they weren't, it would be difficult to maintain their position of power.  Wikipedia defines abuse as:
The improper usage or treatment of a thing, often to unfairly or improperly gain benefit. 
Abusers treat people improperly for their own gain.

We have a system that saw no issue
in raiding Ruatoria for fear of an 'uprising',
yet turned a blind eye to known concerns in Christchurch.  

If we look at this from a wider angle it makes it easier to understand why we are so accepting of abuse here in Aotearoa.  Our country is premised on it.  Colonialism is an abuse of power to the advantage of the colonisers.  The colonisers here still benefit from this.  The people who were here first still suffer for it***.  Much of our history is still not taught in New Zealand schools.  I only just learned the true origins of the ANZAC's this year.  There is a reason for this. That reason is simply that those in power want to keep the status quo.  Because it benefits them.  And when this is challenged by someone who is unhappy with the power imbalance, they are painted as 'extreme' 'crazy' or 'stuck in the past.'  Or, they are arrested, or discredited.

We have the same problem regarding attempts to right our gender imbalance.  This week Sean Plunkett said: Within the next two years, the liberal left wing woke feminazis will call for the banning of rugby entirely****. 
Every time some ground appears to be made up for women like by, say, the #metoo movement, or having a new bill passed through parliament to grant leave to those trying to leave abusive situations, some old white dude tries to redirect the conversation.  The reason for this is because these old white dudes are desperate to stay at the top of the heap.  Every time a privileged white dude says 'it happens to men too.' or 'Not all men' he is basically just desperately trying to stay relevant in a world where he can see his position slipping.

So grateful to have so many amazing women
in parliament.  There is so much work to do!

We live within a power structure which is inherently abusive.  This is why it is so easy for many of us to miss it, or to ignore it.  If we are at the top of the heap and doing ok, it is simply easier to shrug our shoulders than to acknowledge that which doesn't directly affect us.  If we are not, our voices are ignored.

And I cannot ignore this.  I cannot ignore this because it happened to me, and I see it happening to others on a daily basis.  To people I care about.  And no-one deserves this.  I have come to a point in my life which I call PFO - Post Family Obligation.  What that means is I refuse to feel obligated for the sake of blood ties.  This was not an easy place to get to.  It took me almost 40 years.  As an eldest child, as an empathetic, educated child within a family that I love dearly, this was not an easy decision.  But becoming a parent simplified things for me.

When we ignore abuse, it allows this cycle to perpetuate.  And I do not want this legacy for my children.

I know that if I allow behavior that I know is not ok to continue, this impacts my kids.  Not just because it heightens the possibility of them being abused, but because they learn to allow it themselves.  When I excuse the obviously hurtful behaviors of others, it teaches them to excuse them too.  I grew up like this.  Most of us will have grown up like this.  'She'll be right' is part of our Kiwi culture.

So I'm working to change this.  For me, therapy was helpful.  Particularly going to group therapy and meeting other people with similar backgrounds to me.  When I became a parent of two it became apparent I did not know what I was doing.  My mental health compounded this.  But I did not want to repeat the mistakes of prior generations.  I sought help from Maternity Mental Health.  I did a parenting course.  I work hard to do the best I can by our kids.  I make mistakes.  I make a lot of mistakes.  But I try to learn from my mistakes.  From my families mistakes.

My obligation to them is more important than any other obligation.
I cannot change New Zealand.  But I can work on the culture in our home.

Part two to follow soon! 

*  This term wasn't in common usage when I was diagnoses 17 or so years ago.

** I have a sleep routine.  I have my Shakti mat.  If my brain won't shut up, I read until I'm so exhausted that it does.  If my anxiety is so bad none of this helps, I take Phenergan, a simple hayfever medication, because sleeping meds do not work for me.

*** Just make an effort to read any of our current median wage stats, or NZ prison stats, or education stats.  Or read my last blog for a link

**** I comfortably consider myself to be a liberal left wing woke feminazi, and while I have little to no interest in watching rugby, I personally have no interest in banning it.  His very suggestion completely ignores the fact that the Black Ferns exist, and have the highest winning percentage of any international rugby team.  And no, I don't just mean in Women's rugby - all rugby.  If I were able to make any changes to rugby it would simply be to give the Black Ferns the props (pun intended), and the income, they deserve.