So I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Which, if you read my blog regularly, may come as no surprise. But recent events, both personal and political have caused me to need to speak. This week I read about a friend celebrating her one year anniversary since her stalker was convicted. I have heard Brian Tamaki threaten prison riots and minimise rape purely because his Man Up courses have not been instituted in prisons. This week I had my voice silenced by someone I've known for most of my life, simply for speaking about the impact of abuse. I am probably not saying anything on this topic that hasn't already been said. In fact, I read a fantastic article about this on Noted earlier this week.
But for me, blogging feels like taking action. I only voice things publicly when I feel that if just one person reads this and learns something from it then it's worth sharing. On topics around trauma, I speak because I know so many can't. This isn't easy for me. But I'm a strong believer that the personal is political and I know that the small things we say and do can make big changes. I believe this, because I see it happening in both good and bad ways every day. And I think this is particularly true to us here in Aotearoa, where each one of us is a greater percentage of population than in larger countries.
Here in Aotearoa, every single one of us will know both someone who has been abused, and someone who is an abuser. Every one of us.
Even if we don't know it.
Those who are abused are often not in a position to come forward about their abuse. What I mean by this is that coming forward may risk victims of abuse a loss in financial or family support, or even their lives. Almost 75% of domestic violence homicides happen while the person is trying to leave, or in the two weeks after they leave their violent partner. 90% of sexual assault is perpetrated by someone known to the victim. 33 - 39% of women in New Zealand experience physical or sexual violence from an intimate partner. Our abusers are our partners, lovers, friends and family. This is not easy to talk about.
Everyone should be familiar with this
Secondly, many people do not understand what abuse looks like. Abuse is not always bruises and black eyes, or hate speech or unwanted sexual contact. Abuse can be many things. Abuse can be someone using finances as a mean of controlling your behavior. It can be having threats made against pets or loved ones. It can be acts of violence against inanimate objects. The cycle of violence is a great resource to refer to if you are questioning whether something happening in your life constitutes abuse.
For me, growing up with abuse was not about getting smacked. I did, but not often and never with undue force and smacking was pretty normal in the 80's. The infrequent smacking was never the problem. For me, the abuse was more about a sense of fear. That if I said the wrong thing, there would be consequences, and these consequences were demonstrated. I was 13 when Once Were Warriors was released and I saw it in the cinema with my family. And my family said 'this is not us'. And that was true. It wasn't. But I still didn't think I would survive my childhood.
Even when abuse does not leave a physical mark, it leaves a mark.
For children growing up with abuse this mark often takes the form of Complex PTSD. Young children who suffer abuse or neglect have brains that are wired differently. Their neurological pathways are not able to develop normally. Children who have grown up with abuse struggle with many things others take for granted like regulating their emotions, sleeping or trusting other people. They struggle with self image and feeling worthy of love. Those with Complex PTSD are far more likely to attempt suicide than those without.
My actual diagnoses are PTSD and Dissociative Disorder. But basically, I have CPTSD*. This is a lifelong diagnoses. I have always had it. I always will. I have no idea what it feels like to be 'normal.' I am anxious, particularly about social situations. I take medication to manage this. If I don't, it takes so much energy to go to work, or take the kids to Kindy and school I become non-functional. I often feel that I am wearing a 'human suit' and staring out through the eye holes. This feeling often makes me question my existence. I have attempted suicide. I have bouts of insomnia but I've learned ways to manage this**. I am sensitive to the emotions of others. I am easily startled.
These marks compound mine, and others, ability to speak out. How does one speak out if they do not feel they can trust others? How does an emotionally fragile person present as a viable witness?
If we contrast that with the skills we know perpetrators of abuse often have, it is easy to see why it's simply easier to ignore abuse. Abusers are manipulative. They are often charming and affable. And they are all of these things precisely because if they weren't, it would be difficult to maintain their position of power. Wikipedia defines abuse as:
The improper usage or treatment of a thing, often to unfairly or improperly gain benefit.
Abusers treat people improperly for their own gain.
If we look at this from a wider angle it makes it easier to understand why we are so accepting of abuse here in Aotearoa. Our country is premised on it. Colonialism is an abuse of power to the
advantage of the colonisers. The colonisers here still benefit from
this. The people who were here first still suffer for it***. Much of
our history is still not taught in New Zealand schools. I only just learned the true origins of the ANZAC's this year. There is a reason for this. That reason is simply that those in power want to keep the status quo. Because it benefits them. And when this is challenged by someone who is unhappy with the power imbalance, they are painted as 'extreme' 'crazy' or 'stuck in the past.' Or, they are arrested, or discredited.
We have the same problem regarding attempts to right our gender imbalance. This week Sean Plunkett said: Within the next two years, the liberal left wing woke feminazis will call for the banning of rugby entirely****.
Every time some ground appears to be made up for women like by, say, the #metoo movement, or having a new bill passed through parliament to grant leave to those trying to leave abusive situations, some old white dude tries to redirect the conversation. The reason for this is because these old white dudes are desperate to stay at the top of the heap. Every time a privileged white dude says 'it happens to men too.' or 'Not all men' he is basically just desperately trying to stay relevant in a world where he can see his position slipping.
So grateful to have so many amazing women
in parliament. There is so much work to do!
We live within a power structure which is inherently abusive. This is why it is so easy for many of us to miss it, or to ignore it. If we are at the top of the heap and doing ok, it is simply easier to shrug our shoulders than to acknowledge that which doesn't directly affect us. If we are not, our voices are ignored.
And I cannot ignore this. I cannot ignore this because it happened to me, and I see it happening to others on a daily basis. To people I care about. And no-one deserves this. I have come to a point in my life which I call PFO - Post Family Obligation. What that means is I refuse to feel obligated for the sake of blood ties. This was not an easy place to get to. It took me almost 40 years. As an eldest child, as an empathetic, educated child within a family that I love dearly, this was not an easy decision. But becoming a parent simplified things for me.
When we ignore abuse, it allows this cycle to perpetuate. And I do not want this legacy for my children.
I know that if I allow behavior that I know is not ok to continue, this impacts my kids. Not just because it heightens the possibility of them being abused, but because they learn to allow it themselves. When I excuse the obviously hurtful behaviors of others, it teaches them to excuse them too. I grew up like this. Most of us will have grown up like this. 'She'll be right' is part of our Kiwi culture.
So I'm working to change this. For me, therapy was helpful. Particularly going to group therapy and meeting other people with similar backgrounds to me. When I became a parent of two it became apparent I did not know what I was doing. My mental health compounded this. But I did not want to repeat the mistakes of prior generations. I sought help from Maternity Mental Health. I did a parenting course. I work hard to do the best I can by our kids. I make mistakes. I make a lot of mistakes. But I try to learn from my mistakes. From my families mistakes.
My obligation to them is more important than any other obligation.
I cannot change New Zealand. But I can work on the culture in our home.
Part two to follow soon!
* This term wasn't in common usage when I was diagnoses 17 or so years ago.
** I have a sleep routine. I have my Shakti mat. If my brain won't shut up, I read until I'm so exhausted that it does. If my anxiety is so bad none of this helps, I take Phenergan, a simple hayfever medication, because sleeping meds do not work for me.
*** Just make an effort to read any of our current median wage stats, or NZ prison stats, or education stats. Or read my last blog for a link
**** I comfortably consider myself to be a liberal left wing woke feminazi, and while I have little to no interest in watching rugby, I personally have no interest in banning it. His very suggestion completely ignores the fact that the Black Ferns exist, and have the highest winning percentage of any international rugby team. And no, I don't just mean in Women's rugby - all rugby. If I were able to make any changes to rugby it would simply be to give the Black Ferns the props (pun intended), and the income, they deserve.
How can any person run a course on violence who
incites and promotes violence himself?
incites and promotes violence himself?
But for me, blogging feels like taking action. I only voice things publicly when I feel that if just one person reads this and learns something from it then it's worth sharing. On topics around trauma, I speak because I know so many can't. This isn't easy for me. But I'm a strong believer that the personal is political and I know that the small things we say and do can make big changes. I believe this, because I see it happening in both good and bad ways every day. And I think this is particularly true to us here in Aotearoa, where each one of us is a greater percentage of population than in larger countries.Here in Aotearoa, every single one of us will know both someone who has been abused, and someone who is an abuser. Every one of us.
Even if we don't know it.
Those who are abused are often not in a position to come forward about their abuse. What I mean by this is that coming forward may risk victims of abuse a loss in financial or family support, or even their lives. Almost 75% of domestic violence homicides happen while the person is trying to leave, or in the two weeks after they leave their violent partner. 90% of sexual assault is perpetrated by someone known to the victim. 33 - 39% of women in New Zealand experience physical or sexual violence from an intimate partner. Our abusers are our partners, lovers, friends and family. This is not easy to talk about.
Everyone should be familiar with this
For me, growing up with abuse was not about getting smacked. I did, but not often and never with undue force and smacking was pretty normal in the 80's. The infrequent smacking was never the problem. For me, the abuse was more about a sense of fear. That if I said the wrong thing, there would be consequences, and these consequences were demonstrated. I was 13 when Once Were Warriors was released and I saw it in the cinema with my family. And my family said 'this is not us'. And that was true. It wasn't. But I still didn't think I would survive my childhood.
Even when abuse does not leave a physical mark, it leaves a mark.
For children growing up with abuse this mark often takes the form of Complex PTSD. Young children who suffer abuse or neglect have brains that are wired differently. Their neurological pathways are not able to develop normally. Children who have grown up with abuse struggle with many things others take for granted like regulating their emotions, sleeping or trusting other people. They struggle with self image and feeling worthy of love. Those with Complex PTSD are far more likely to attempt suicide than those without.
My actual diagnoses are PTSD and Dissociative Disorder. But basically, I have CPTSD*. This is a lifelong diagnoses. I have always had it. I always will. I have no idea what it feels like to be 'normal.' I am anxious, particularly about social situations. I take medication to manage this. If I don't, it takes so much energy to go to work, or take the kids to Kindy and school I become non-functional. I often feel that I am wearing a 'human suit' and staring out through the eye holes. This feeling often makes me question my existence. I have attempted suicide. I have bouts of insomnia but I've learned ways to manage this**. I am sensitive to the emotions of others. I am easily startled.
These marks compound mine, and others, ability to speak out. How does one speak out if they do not feel they can trust others? How does an emotionally fragile person present as a viable witness?
If we contrast that with the skills we know perpetrators of abuse often have, it is easy to see why it's simply easier to ignore abuse. Abusers are manipulative. They are often charming and affable. And they are all of these things precisely because if they weren't, it would be difficult to maintain their position of power. Wikipedia defines abuse as:
The improper usage or treatment of a thing, often to unfairly or improperly gain benefit.
Abusers treat people improperly for their own gain.
We have a system that saw no issue
in raiding Ruatoria for fear of an 'uprising',
yet turned a blind eye to known concerns in Christchurch.
in raiding Ruatoria for fear of an 'uprising',
yet turned a blind eye to known concerns in Christchurch.
If we look at this from a wider angle it makes it easier to understand why we are so accepting of abuse here in Aotearoa. Our country is premised on it. Colonialism is an abuse of power to the
advantage of the colonisers. The colonisers here still benefit from
this. The people who were here first still suffer for it***. Much of
our history is still not taught in New Zealand schools. I only just learned the true origins of the ANZAC's this year. There is a reason for this. That reason is simply that those in power want to keep the status quo. Because it benefits them. And when this is challenged by someone who is unhappy with the power imbalance, they are painted as 'extreme' 'crazy' or 'stuck in the past.' Or, they are arrested, or discredited.We have the same problem regarding attempts to right our gender imbalance. This week Sean Plunkett said: Within the next two years, the liberal left wing woke feminazis will call for the banning of rugby entirely****.
Every time some ground appears to be made up for women like by, say, the #metoo movement, or having a new bill passed through parliament to grant leave to those trying to leave abusive situations, some old white dude tries to redirect the conversation. The reason for this is because these old white dudes are desperate to stay at the top of the heap. Every time a privileged white dude says 'it happens to men too.' or 'Not all men' he is basically just desperately trying to stay relevant in a world where he can see his position slipping.
So grateful to have so many amazing women
in parliament. There is so much work to do!
And I cannot ignore this. I cannot ignore this because it happened to me, and I see it happening to others on a daily basis. To people I care about. And no-one deserves this. I have come to a point in my life which I call PFO - Post Family Obligation. What that means is I refuse to feel obligated for the sake of blood ties. This was not an easy place to get to. It took me almost 40 years. As an eldest child, as an empathetic, educated child within a family that I love dearly, this was not an easy decision. But becoming a parent simplified things for me.
When we ignore abuse, it allows this cycle to perpetuate. And I do not want this legacy for my children.
I know that if I allow behavior that I know is not ok to continue, this impacts my kids. Not just because it heightens the possibility of them being abused, but because they learn to allow it themselves. When I excuse the obviously hurtful behaviors of others, it teaches them to excuse them too. I grew up like this. Most of us will have grown up like this. 'She'll be right' is part of our Kiwi culture.
So I'm working to change this. For me, therapy was helpful. Particularly going to group therapy and meeting other people with similar backgrounds to me. When I became a parent of two it became apparent I did not know what I was doing. My mental health compounded this. But I did not want to repeat the mistakes of prior generations. I sought help from Maternity Mental Health. I did a parenting course. I work hard to do the best I can by our kids. I make mistakes. I make a lot of mistakes. But I try to learn from my mistakes. From my families mistakes.
My obligation to them is more important than any other obligation.
I cannot change New Zealand. But I can work on the culture in our home.
Part two to follow soon!
* This term wasn't in common usage when I was diagnoses 17 or so years ago.
** I have a sleep routine. I have my Shakti mat. If my brain won't shut up, I read until I'm so exhausted that it does. If my anxiety is so bad none of this helps, I take Phenergan, a simple hayfever medication, because sleeping meds do not work for me.
*** Just make an effort to read any of our current median wage stats, or NZ prison stats, or education stats. Or read my last blog for a link
**** I comfortably consider myself to be a liberal left wing woke feminazi, and while I have little to no interest in watching rugby, I personally have no interest in banning it. His very suggestion completely ignores the fact that the Black Ferns exist, and have the highest winning percentage of any international rugby team. And no, I don't just mean in Women's rugby - all rugby. If I were able to make any changes to rugby it would simply be to give the Black Ferns the props (pun intended), and the income, they deserve.
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