What I'm Crying About In The Bath

My brain is all over the place hence so many weird bath thoughts recently.  And while I think some of these thoughts deserve their own full blog post, I do not have the brain nor energy currently to write them.  But watch this space!  Both of these things will likely return of their own accord some day.  This is the life of the anxious, working, arting Mum.

So I'm not massive, but bigger and uncomfy.
(looking at goldfish in Kaitaia on holiday)

My Body
So my body is the largest it's ever been, almost larger in weight than during my second pregnancy.  And I am struggling with it.  The fact that I am struggling with it is the part I find the hardest.  I do not think poorly of bigger people.  I do not think they are lazy or stupid or any of the other awful stereotypes that come with being bigger.  But I am still not used to being bigger.

And I desperately want to be comfortable because this is just one of the side effects of a medical condition.  This is the reality of my life now.  I do not have the time, energy or headspace to dedicate to a full-on attack on my fatness especially in the face of the likelihood it may be futile anyway due to my body over-producing oestrogen.  And the silly thing is that the futility makes me sad and feel like saying 'fuck it all' and over eating anyway because I may as well derive some comfort while living with this body.

I am struggling to exercise in this bigger body because it feels unweildy.  Because it is different.  It is not that I dislike exercise - I love swimming and walking and waterwalking.  But wearing more flesh than I once did I feel nervous in swimwear and anxious about sports apparel.  And I know this compounds the issue of the body I am not yet accustomed to.

I am learning how to dress myself to feel better about this change.  I think in time this will help me feel more confident with my new shape and (hopefully) soon at the point of saying 'fuck it' to the fear of swimwear and yes to getting back in the pool.  In times where I struggle to simply dress myself I often think of my super hot bigger friends and think 'What would they wear?' and it helps me find clothes and confidence to face the day.

I feel silly about this struggle because there are so many bigger issues (excuse the pun).  But this is my truth.  I feel guilty over my discomfort in my body, because I personally love all body types.  I love the diversity that is the world and humans in it.  But from this overweight angle, it is crystal clear that many folk do not feel this way. 

I feel the prejudices that come with being bigger.  I've had the GPs asking about my weight in terms of existing health issues.  I've had the (many) people asking if I'm pregnant.  I've had friends genuinely concerned about my health.  I've had the disbelief that this could possibly be due to medical reasons, from friends and GP's alike (read a bit about women's health issues for a change why dontcha?).

I can see how bigger folk could be beaten with words their whole lives.  I can see how easy it would be to give up.  To believe the haters.  To feel worthless.  I want to give up often and I've only had to feel this for a comparitively short time.  I can see why so many of the bigger women I know are so tough, so fierce.  They have to become warriors to survive this fattist society.

Whenever I feel uncomfortable I try and focus on the gorgeous warrior women I know and emulate them.  Fake it til you make it.  I have hope, but I haven't made it yet.

So even if you don't consider yourself wealthy

if you are in the middle economically you are

much better off than those in the bottom.

Economic Abuse

Recent situations have made me realise how easy it is to become economically abused without even knowing it.  How easy it would also be to become an unintentional economic abuser.  And at the heart of it, I think it's just what happens when there are large wealth gaps.

Those who have wealth often have, or learn other things that ensure they maintain that wealth:

• If wealth has been earned they are more inclined to believe that wealth is garnered through hard work.
• If wealth has been inherited they will have more access to information about financial management.
• Once you have some wealth and are able to invest, you are able to grow more money.
• If you have wealth, you can more easily survive fiscal setbacks so have a more positive view on overcoming obstacles.

Those who do not have wealth often learn things that make it harder to have wealth:

• Those who work hard for a pittance understand that hard work does not always pay off financially.
• Those who have never experienced wealth will have less experience with fiscal management.
• If wealth has been lost people may become more risk averse and less trusting of professionals.
• When you are living paycheck to paycheck it is harder to survive financial setbacks.
• Being in debt costs money.

These differences in perception about money will impact on relationships between those in different 'wealth camps'.  When love or duty are involved it can mean that the wealthy aid the less fortunate.  Which is fantastic in premise.  But often it means those without wealth feel indebted to the wealthy, equally sometimes the wealthy may feel those without wealth owe them something.  This power imbalance can contribute to maintaining this hegemony.  Those without wealth working to repay those with wealth either financially or with gifts or time.  Those with wealth not understanding why those without wealth are in that economic position.

Within families/groups of friends this can mean that those with wealth have power in terms of decision making.  This power is easily maintained by those without wealth feeling they have a debt to pay to those with wealth.  This power means that within this dynamic there will never be equality, fiscally or otherwise.  And most of the time it is not an intentional dynamic, it is just one that naturally develops.

It is the same in broader society.  The best way we can shift to a more useful dynamic, where those who have less have more power and those who have more have less power, is by economically leveling the playing field.  There are many ways we can do this including: paying a living wage, raising income tax on the upper earning brackets, fairer taxing of property and investment, lowering costs for those on low incomes and providing free, accessible fiscal education at school. 

And at a personal level it is important to recognise our privilege and check our judgments and assumptions when making decisions that financially impact others.

What if you never live to see this money?

Kiwisaver 
Following on from this ^ the realisation the Kiwisaver is only designed for the well and the privileged.  Kiwisaver is based on a false premise - that all New Zealanders have equal likelihood of making it to retirement age.  This is just not true.  Māori men and women are expected to live on average seven years less than their non-Māori counterparts.  Most Māori men will pass away just seven years into their retirement if not sooner.

For those New Zealanders that discover they have an illness that will likely shorten their lifespan, this is equally unfair.  If you have already signed on to Kiwisaver yes, you can take a 'contributions holiday'.  But that money you have already worked hard for, to save for your retirement cannot be taken out any earlier even if you know you will not live to see 65.  And while you can apply to take some out for 'Significant Financial Hardship' you need to provide a ridiculous amount of paperwork, be in financial hardship and even then you cannot take out your government contributions.

The good news for your whanau is that when you die your Kiwisaver will go to your estate.  But this isn't exactly heartwarming news when you cannot afford to pay your electricity bill and will not likely see retirement.  Or if you have no living friends or relatives.

A fucking excellent book I highly recommend

Trans Health

Sooo many things here I'm just going to talk about my bath idea.
I've just finished reading a fantastic book called Transition Denied: Confronting the Crisis in Trans Healthcare by Journalist Jane Fae.  It made me think more about our current health system and how it manages our trans friends and whanau.  In a word - poorly.  I'm looking for advocacy in terms of support of someone I know and it is not easy to find (but I will find it don't you worry!). 

My bath idea was that it would be really awesome if there were a directory of services and GPs in NZ that are trans educated and trans accepting.  I know how scary it is for trans-folk to just go to the Drs, and I also know how high the discrimination rates against them are - particularly from the medical community.  Something like this would make it easier for those looking for help and support to hit less road blocks on their path to finding themselves.  And this is so important because sometimes those road blocks end lives.

So if this doesn't already exist, I'm going to try and find a way to build it.  And if it does already exist, I will promote the shit out of it.

Tattoos
I really want another one.  But they are EXPENSIVE.