On my feelings around Roe VS Wade

So last weekend Roe VS Wade was overturned.

It's hard to find the words to describe how sad and angry this makes me.  But struggling to articulate my feelings does not mean I don't care.  I care greatly about this atrocity and the impact it has on all of us.  Overwhelmingly so.

I care because even though this is not happening here in Aotearoa it effects me.  And I believe if you are a woman, a queer person or represent any group marginalised by society, this effects you too.

For me, queer rights and feminism go hand in hand.

In the Merriam Webster dictionary feminism is defined as:

Belief in and advocacy of the political, economic and social equality of the sexes.

Such an amazing book - I highly recommend it   

From my perspective, the very concept of feminism advocates for intersex, trans and genderqueer rights*.

It's pretty much just intersectional feminism which in my way of thinking, is the only feminism truly focused on equality.

And while I am comfortable being gendered as a woman today, I certainly haven't always felt that way.  I grew up for the most part in small-town, rural New Zealand in the 80's and 90's.  And whilst I'm aware of how this has shaped me I was recently reminded of the gravity of this impact while reading Hannah Gadsby's Ten Steps To Nanette.

Her perception of growing up in Tasmania during the same time period is not dissimilar from mine.  We both lived in places where gender roles were fairly well set in concrete.  The men did physical labour for long hours while the women managed the house and the childcare.  Sometimes the women also did the hard, physical labour - it's often just a necessary part of farm life - but their efforts were always considered supplementary to that of the men. While in Gadsby's case, her upbringing implanted a deep hatred of her own queerness, my upbringing implanted a deep hatred of my gender.

Because of what I witnessed at home, being a woman was never of any interest to me.  I associated womanhood with subservience.  My own home was ruled by my father.  It was his way or the highway.  Not understanding the complexity that is domestic violence I struggled to empathise with my mother.  To me, the dysfunction of our home was quite obvious so I could not understand why she didn't just leave.  I perceived her as weak.

This association became further entrenched when I moved to a larger school.  Around age eleven I watched something of a shift as girls moved to the margins of play.  Instead they sat around talking or playing elastics.  I did not understand this culture.  I wanted to keep on playing handball like I'd always done.  So I did.  I played handball with the boys a few years younger than me and the few girls who also did not fit in.  We were definitely not cool.

At that time, we would have been called 'tomboys'**.

The very idea that I could be a different gender from what I was labeled at birth was foreign to me.  'Transgender' was not a commonly used term when I was young.  While I was exposed to aspects of queer culture from a young age, this wasn't part of it.  Yes, there was a little girl born as a boy in the community we grew up in***.  She was my brothers age and was clearly trans from as soon as she could communicate.  This was accepted by our family who were friends with her mum.  But we didn't have the terminology.  She was just a little boy who should have been born a girl.

Ken and Ken - I have the BEST retail secret story about them

At that time I had no idea that trans-men even existed.  Cross dressers - yes.  Lesbians - yes.  But the closest thing to a trans-man I'd ever come across were the Topp Twin's in drag as Ken and Ken - neither of whom are trans men.

By my mid 20's I realised that the  disillusionment I felt from my proscribed gender actually had very little to do with women.  I came to realise this was a carefully crafted experience, a side effect of growing up in a strongly patriarchal society.  As a teen in many respects I was a misogynist.  Most of my friends were guys - I found them more relatable because they did stuff.  Like them, I catcalled women.  I condoned their sometimes shitty treatment of their girlfriends.  I bought into toxic masculinity because I pitied the condition of being a woman.  It was totally fucked up.

So here is my point.

Because of my personal history, I see gender identity and woman's rights as one and the same.  My dysfunctional relationship with my biological sex had nothing to do who I was or my behaviour, but with growing up in a world with strongly defined gender roles.  If I'd had the language at that time, I may have identified as transmasculine - but maybe not - other than wishing I could stand up to pee I was ok with my body****.  I most likely would have identified as gender queer.  I think if I were the teen person I was then today, I'd identify as non-binary.  I am glad that young people today have vocabulary to express this interior struggle.

What's messed up is that this should never have been a struggle.  Feeling as if I didn't belong to my biological sex was a direct result of the patriarchy.  Why, as an outspoken, intelligent, active person would I want to identify with a sex I was told was of lower status?  As someone who already grew up poor, nerdy and in an unstable home, being a woman was just more shit on the pile.  Now, after years of therapy, of study, of reading and engaging with the protest movements of recent history I can see the problem isn't me.  It has never been me.  For me today, identifying with my biological sex regardless of my outward gender expression is a revolutionary act*****.

I love mixing things up in the looks department and that this is still, and always, me.

It's revolutionary in that it doesn't buy into the notion that women need to be or act a certain way.  I can just be myself and whoever that is is what a woman looks like because I am a woman.  To me, this alone pokes holes in the patriarchy.  My children will hopefully experience the world a little differently than I did. Not just because gay marriage is legal and AIDS is now treatable but because I work my arse off to ensure they know their gender does not determine who they are.  They know women can have short hair, or shaved heads.  They know that women can be strong and outspoken.  They know that women can have jobs and kids and cook and clean if they want to - or not if they don't.

And I can use just the way I look to help other children - particularly those still growing up in strongly gendered environments - question aspects of that thinking.

There are a rainbow of ways to be a woman.

One of our current faves

I am so grateful for the breadth of literature available on strong women through history and LGBTQI+ peoples written for children.  I use these to back my point.  When Etta was going through  a bag of hand-me-downs she spotted a lame jacket and grabbed it like it was gold because 'it's just so Freddy Mercury!'  Abby has been quoting Frida Kahlo since she was three years old.  They know about the Topp Twins and Georgina Beyer and Louisa Wall.  And they know about Dr Jane Goodall, and Marie Curie and Maya Angelou.  The only prime minister of Aotearoa they can name is a woman.

My children still live within a (shifting) patriarchal system, but I work hard to ensure their experiences around and understanding of gender are vastly different to mine.

What's happening in the US now is scary.

Not just because women will die as a consequence, but because this is just the first step.  This is the patriarchy's attempt to quash their opposition.  Make no mistake.  This is not about abortion.  This is not a 'pro-life' position - it's an 'anti-women's rights' one.  Gay rights, immigrants rights and religious rights (outside of Christianity) will be next on their agenda.

And as we've seen with the emulation of the 'freedom' protests worldwide, this thinking will be emulated in other places.  It will be emulated here.  There are no guarantees that if elected a certain leader of the opposition who is openly 'pro-life' will not repeal laws here.  And with the backlash against difficult choices in a difficult time, it's highly possible he will be elected.

Just because I am overwhelmed does not mean I am not ready to fight.

Whenever we are teetering on the edge of change, there is a backlash.  This is what this is.  And to overcome this, we need to work together.  Regardless of our gender identity.  Regardless of our sexual identity.  Regardless of our religious beliefs.  If we care about humanity and equality we will support each other in our efforts to fight this hatred and oppression.

I need this world to be a safer one for my daughters than it was for me.

* Yes, it says 'sex' as opposed to 'gender' here.  Yes gender is a social construct and sex is biological.  But biologically speaking, sex is a spectrum in the same way gender as a social construct is.  Advocating for equal rights only for certain sexes or genders feels to me like the antithesis of the definition of feminism - just a patriarchy from a different hegemonic angle.  I do not view TERF's as feminists.  I cannot see them as anything other than one of the many societal problems caused by the patriarchy.  If you aren't advocating for the equality of ALL sexes and gender expressions then in my book, you ain't a feminist.

** I find the concept of 'tomboys' problematic in that it implies that if a girl acts differently to what is expected she is not a girl.  This implies that girls are not differentiated from boys due to any physiological differences - but by behaviour.  And I find linking behaviours to certain genders problematic because all genders should be allowed to, and are capable of, behaving in many different ways.

When we imply this is not the case we limit people's capacity to experience the world on their terms.  Fuck this.  Fuck limits.  Gendered brain theory has been discredited by many scientists for decades.  The only limits imposed on biological sex are social ones.  Being a girl who likes sandpits and rugby and cares not for dresses does not make that girl a faux-boy.  She is a girl who likes sandpits and rugby and hates dresses.  Unless or until she identifies otherwise.

*** She was the first person I knew personally to transition.

**** Not that bodily dysphoria is necessary for someone to identify as trans.  I just don't think I ever felt trans.

***** This is how I feel for me.  Every person who identifies as trans, non-binary or gender-queer has the right to claim that identity.  My choice in my identity is not a commentary on that.  I am grateful that the world is moving even a little toward being accepting of these identities, and that my children now actually have a vocabulary to express their experiences of gender.

On Taking Up Space

So I'm trying not to just write about weight loss (I have about three unfinished posts about other stuff I'm currently working on) but, like any venture into new territory, this exercise thing is exciting.  Getting stronger, fitter and losing weight feels fantastic.  But these aren't the only new experiences I'm having.  I'm also discovering a whole new world.  And some new experiences have been disturbing.

The quintessential scary 'gym dude' (love you Joseph Gordon-Levitt x x)

I have always been afraid of 'gym people'.  In my brain, they were always fit, buff people interested in sports and looks and sporting.  In other words: the antithesis of me.  So I expected there to be a disconnect with me existing in a gym space.  But the truth is, I have had zero altercations in the gym.  In the gym everyone is completely self-absorbed.  And not in a bad way.  It's just that most people have gone in there (me included) with a plan of what they want to achieve with their time.  Folk in the gym are focused.  They don't give a fuck what anyone else is doing unless they're using a piece of equipment they want.  And even then, so far I haven't seen that result in any kind of conflict.

The pool, however, is a different story.

In the pools I have seen racism, intolerance and sexism on at least a weekly basis.  One of the worst places for this is in the water walking area.  I find this quite funny because it's supposed to be a chill activity.  Water walking is low impact, anyone can do it, and it's often recommended by medical professionals for people with joint or weight issues.  It's a great way to get active without having to (the horror) start jogging.  I've seen people of all colours, sizes and ages enjoying the benefits of walking in the water.  And many, many times I have also seen intolerance of difference in the water.

The only culprits of this I've seen (so far) are older, white women.

I've seen old white ladies complain about kids in the water walking area because they were laughing.  I've seen old white ladies make shit up about Pacifika women to try and get them out of the pool.  I've seen old white ladies complain that they do not have enough space when there are literally only six people in the water walking area and only three lanes open for swimming that aren't booked for classes.  These incidences are not all attributed to the same old white lady.  The intolerant old white lady is a real thing (I see this regularly in my retail life as well).

Old white ladies have been the bane of my water walking experience.

Lucky for me I seldom water walk these days.  These days I'm mostly a lane swimmer.  So while I've left the old white ladies in my wake I have discovered a new enemy.

Men.

Follow the directional rule Jerks!

Not all men.  But the Jerk Man territory is not exclusively white.  It's also not exclusively old (although the majority I've encountered are over forty).  But I can tell you right now, the Jerk Man is real and he is a Jerk.  The first time I experienced Jerk Man, it was more like Just Annoying Man.  It was a dude who just kept talking at me while I was clearly just trying to swim.  Like acknowledging his presence was more important than my plans.  After I stopped responding he left me alone, so it wasn't too bad.  Still, I'm glad this has only happened once.  The most common kind of Jerk Man I've encountered is the dude who swims into you when you are just going about your business swimming, in the manner the arrows on the sign tell you to.  Jerk Man invades your space.  And he does not apologise.  He crashes and says nothing.  And then sometimes, if you don't immediately vacate that lane, he will crash into you again.  When that happens, it's hard to believe it's just an accident.  It's like these men believe the lane belongs to them.

I have had one collision with a woman (the % of being crashed into by a man vs a woman in my experience is about 6:1).  When this happened, we stopped and had a conversation about it so we could mitigate it occurring in the future.  Then we both kept on swimming and not crashing.  Problem solved.  When a woman (or me) accidentally scrape each other underwater (common occurrence when doing breaststroke) an apology is usually elicited.

So this made me wonder if the Jerk Man is actually just being a Man?  The fact that I collide less with women leads me to believe that we are more conscious of the space around us, and how we move through it.  Maybe it has never occurred to the man that this space is not just his?  This immediately made me think about the 'walk like a man' challenges that made the rounds not so long ago.  There's even a word for it now (manslamming). Men crash into me because they have not considered that we exist in a shared space.  They have never considered that someone will not get out of their way.  They are inherently used to all space being theirs.  So why would they apologise when they collide with me (I'm obeying the swim rules)?  These dudes aren't even aware that they are being Jerk Men.

This idea is further informed by my experiences in the sauna and steam room.  While it took me some time to get comfortable being shut in a tiny, hot room with other humans, now it is part of my regular gym experience.  I'm not sure if 'sweating it out' is actually helping me lose weight, but it's definitely relaxing after a workout.  Anyhow.  I have noticed a few differences between the sauna and the steam room:

1) More women frequent the steam room than the sauna
2) I feel more comfortable in the steam room.

Maybe this is the solution for women?        

It didn't take me long to work out why.  It's hard to see people in the steam room.  Women, as dictated by so many aspects of society*, are not supposed to take up space.  So we probably feel more comfortable being in the room where our existence is obscured.  Or potentially, we are uncomfortable in our own skins.  We are nervous about being seen in a small space near naked.  We are afraid of commentary, or being hit on, or just looked at funny.  It seems like men do not feel the same way. 

Both spaces are equally frequented by men.  Men of all ages**, shapes and colours.  And these men make noise.  They are not trying to make noise, they are simply not trying not to make noise.  While women sit there silently (besides some ladies who make a slapping sound as they do their post-workout massage) trying not blend into the walls men do not.  Men talk to their friends.  Men sniff and cough.  Men breathe loudly.  Men drink noisily and tip water over themselves noisily***.  These men are not trying to assert themselves.  They are not being threatening.  They are just simply just taking up space.

And this leads me back to the gym.  The gym has very defined spaces.  If you're on a treadmill it's not like someone else can accidentally just get on your treadmill without causing actual chaos.  Same goes for the floor mats and suspension equipment.  People don't crash because in the gym paths are designed not to cross.  However, after noticing the noise difference in the steam room I realised the same rule applies in the gym.  While most women elicit little more than a heavy breathe in the gym, men make all manner of 'PROU' 'HRRR' and 'PHOUUU' sounds****.

And this leads me back to those old white ladies in the water walking area.  These women who are asserting themselves, who are making themselves heard.  Maybe they are just sick of living in male spaces?  Maybe they are just sick of having no space to call their own?  Maybe, they are just trying to take up space, and the only way they feel they can do that is by taking space from those they can - children and POC's - in ways they can - by yelling at strangers or 'telling on' them to pool staff*****

           Is a woman's only gym the solution?

This whole situation is just shit.  Because it isn't changing.  While yes, women and men of all ages, shapes, religions and ethnicity frequent the same (pool/gym) space, the accessibility within that space is not the same.  I struggle to relax and get into the rhythm of swimming because of the constant fear that a man might crash into me.  How many women have stopped swimming because they keep getting crashed into by men?  How many parents have stopped water walking with their kids for fear of being yelled at by grumpy old white ladies?  Not being able to have space definitely contributes to adverse effects on health.  I can see why there are female/queer/POC only spaces.  It's exhausting never being allowed to take up space

How we move through space matters.  Do you move when someone walks toward you?  Or do you expect others to move?  Does it change depending on who the person is?  Why is this?  What percentage of a conversation do you take up?  Do you put your arm on plane armrests?  How much space do you take up?  And who is enforcing this madness?

We are.

Other than just crashing into men so hard they start getting injured, I can't think of a simple solution besides talking about it.  But we've been talking about manslamming since 2015 and nothing has changed.  Besides being aware that this issue exists, we need to make others aware of it.  We need to actively call it out when we see it.  We need to recognise our own ingrained behaviours and consider how these affect others.

And for those who take up space, who don't move, who never apologise, they must realise the onus is on them.  For those so disempowered they can't even sniff in a sauna, how scary do you think direct conflict would be?  How hard is it to just notice where you are going and adjust your walk path?  How hard is it to listen to the viewpoints of others?  If someone is expecting to be shut down every time they speak, they might eventually stop speaking.  And it can be hard to recover that voice.  If you have a voice, use it.  If you are able to adjust your path, adjust it.

Because when you don't, you're really just a jerk.

* We are encouraged to be slim, to speak quietly, to look after others, to 'be nice'.  And even though in the womb being female is the 'default gender' aliens would never know that looking at society as it is designed with men in mind.  Most medical studies still use exclusively male rats ie: most medicine is made for men.  It's unsurprising that many of us women feel let down by the medical system (and by all systems generally).

** But usually over 30

***I can understand that you may not believe me and if that is the case I recommend checking it out for yourself.  Go sit in a unisex sauna.  I will be very surprised if you don't notice a difference.

**** This has made me aware of just how important the noise element of Zumba classes is for women and why I feel so uncomfortable taking part in that aspect of it. 

***** I've seen this happen numerous times.  The pool staff know the old white lady is just being unnecessarily anal over nothing, but they do her bidding anyway.  The pool staff know that if they don't then the wrath of that old white lady will be upon them.  And that wrath has (false) teeth.

On Taking Time Out

I go on holiday alone once a year.  I have done for the last three years.

My hotel room door from this years trip.

I didn't think this was a particularly revolutionary act.  But after my most recent alone-time holiday I was reminded how odd this idea seems to many people.  Most Mums I spoke to about it reacted with surprise or envy*.  And while I guess I only know one other person who does this, so I know it isn't that common, I still find the reaction really sad.  Sad for us as Mums.  Sad for our whole society.  Sad that the world we live in doesn't think that it's normal for us to want or need a break.  That as women, taking time out from our family for ourselves is still a somewhat shocking idea.

And it's sad because of the double standard.  Because I know that no-one bats an eye when men do it.  The amount of Mums I know who have partners that travel for work, or go away for weekends with their mates far exceed the number of Mums I know who do the same.  I've heard this straight out of the mouth of a young, privileged white male.  This person had just taken time out from his family to travel for work for several days - he was away from his family when I saw him - and he berated a mutual friend who regularly travels for work away from her home and family.  He expected me to agree with him.  I don't know how he could possibly have got that more wrong.  This double standard around the roles of Mums and Dads is still so prevalent.  It's just sad.

When I was last catching planes before
I took time out for myself....      

I decided to take this time for myself after I got jealous of Murray.  He had been to Queenstown for a couple of nights for a work conference and was also going to Wellington for two nights for a Blood Bowl tournament.  I had no objection to him going away for work or enjoyment.  It was hardly going to impact on our family for those short periods.  But the idea of spending even just 35 minutes on a plane without children sparked so much joy.  It had to become a reality.

And I realised there was no reason why it couldn't.  Not so I could work or to play Blood Bowl, but to do my own thing.  At that point in time I was working on my Suburban Birds project.  Working on projects helps me feel like a functional human.  But with kids and sleep deprivation in the picture, maintaining a regular art and/or writing practice was (and still is) difficult.  Having some space away from the family would help. 

But more importantly, I was sleep deprived.  I was touched out.  I was sick to death of not being able to so much as take a piss by myself.  When I wasn't at home with the kids I was at work.  Or with friends or family.  Or with Murray.  I never had any quality time to myself, and not having it was impacting on my mental health.  So I decided I would go on a holiday too.

The first year I planned well in advance so I could save up to afford it.  I decided to go to Wellington because Murray's going to Wellington was what sparked my jealousy.  I love Wellington, and I hadn't been down there since I fell pregnant with Etta.  I researched flights and accommodation and booked a teeny self-contained motel room in Kilbirnie for less than $80 per night.  I waited until Air NZ had a sale then booked flights for under $100 return.  I was set.

The finished Suburban Birds Zine

And while the plan was to take the laptop down and work on drawing and writing for Suburban Birds, the bigger picture was simply to spend time doing the things I enjoyed doing before I had kids.  So I went out for breakfast.  I went to galleries and museums.  I read books.  I watched a crappy comedy at the cinemas.  I caught up with friends and played board games at Counter Culture.  I drank more than two glasses of wine without feeling guilty about it.  It was amazing.

And when I got home, like when Murray got home from being away, the kids were ok.  That first year I had genuine concerns.  The first time I went away, Abby was still breastfeeding** and I had been worried she wouldn't cope without me (or my milk***).  I phoned home more than I needed to.  But Abby coped, and Etta did too.  Besides being a bit clingy for a few days, the kids were completely fine and I was in a far better mental state than I was in before those few days away.

So I did the same thing the next year. And again this year.

This year has been tough for me.  There's been difficult family stuff.  I've had friends pass away.  I've coped by working more than I probably should which impacted on my mental health.  This year I needed this holiday more then ever, but didn't really have the headspace to plan it.  So I rethought things.  I simplified.  And I realised I didn't need to travel that far to get the space I need.  So this year I took a holiday in Auckland.

And I funded much of it using vouchers from surveys.

I saved up my Paypal survey rewards for a holiday facial and massage

After making $120 doing online surveys**** in December last year, I realised how much that could contribute to other areas of our regular lives without impacting on our budget.  After I booked my accommodation I started booking Groupons from my 'free' Paypal money close to where I was staying on holiday.  I funded movie passes and Subway vouchers from my survey vouchers.  Not only was this cost effective, but the planning aspect of the holiday was so fun it really gave me something to visualise and look forward to.

A robin I saw on Tiri.  So cute!

Holidaying close to home was truly brilliant.  There are so many things I used to do locally that I just don't do now I have kids.  There were things I'd forgotten I could do.  I discovered a world of possibilities that are literally on my doorstep.  I went to a friends 40th where I knew (almost) no-one and had a wonderful time meeting new people.  I took a day trip to Tiritiri Matangi - a place I've never been before - and it was just magical.  I went to bed at 9pm and actually slept.  Having time and space to just do things that I wanted to do helped me discover things that I think my family might also like to do.

I acknowledge that my ability to take three days out from my family each year speaks of a level of privilege.  I am able to go away because I have a supportive partner, other family support available and the ability to finance small trips.  But the point of writing this isn't about showing off.  I'm writing because I believe that taking time out is so important, especially for those of us who've taken on the never ending responsibility of parenthood.

And because I believe something like this is possible for most of us.  Maybe not so many days away.  But if it's possible to have just one night away.  If you can trust your partner, or your parents or your friends to mind the kid(s) for just one night.  If you can afford $40 for an Air BNB close to home for one night.  Just imagine the possibilities!  You can sleep, or watch tv uninterrupted, or read a book, or have some 'special' time with yourself.  You don't have to spend a lot to have a little time and a lot of freedom to yourself.  The important thing is - you do you without worrying about anyone else.

Because you deserve it!  Us Mum's, we all deserve it.  If you don't think twice about your partner or your father taking time out to go out with mates, don't think twice about you going out with mates.  Or if you're more inclined, by yourself.  If you put the effort into ensuring your kids have their needs met, make sure you put the effort into having your needs met too.  If going away overnight is too hard that's ok.  Maybe it's just about taking an our or two once a week to go for a walk, or go swimming, or go to a movie.  The main thing is allowing yourself some time or space where you can do something you enjoy with no pressure.  You are entitled to have time doing what you enjoy in a way that works for you.  You are allowed to carve out space where you are not responsible for everything.

Everyone deserves this.  Your family deserves this.



* In a good way

** I breastfed Abby until she was over three.  It was never intentional.  I always wanted to breastfeed until she was two but just assumed she'd self-wean at some point (as Etta had at 17 months).  The first time I went away she was over two and I was so tired of breast-feeding and so touched out it was a well needed break.

*** I could never pump.  My body produced excess lipase which meant my milk went off within a few hours so it just wasn't an option for me.  Plus I was kinda hoping that she would just 'forget' about the 'Mummy milk' while I was gone or my supply would dry up while I was away.  Neither of those things happened.  I fed her until she was three and we could negotiate cutting off the supply in a way that worked for both of us...

**** I use about four different platforms regularly to achieve this - Valued opinions, Opinionworld, NZ Toluna and Perceptive.  If you have spare internet and a little time on your hands it's a great way to get vouchers for retailers you regularly use, or to put money into Paypal.  I truthfully make about $800 a year from surveys (which is also not taxable, as it's also not cash).

What I'm Crying About In The Bath

My brain is all over the place hence so many weird bath thoughts recently.  And while I think some of these thoughts deserve their own full blog post, I do not have the brain nor energy currently to write them.  But watch this space!  Both of these things will likely return of their own accord some day.  This is the life of the anxious, working, arting Mum.

So I'm not massive, but bigger and uncomfy.
(looking at goldfish in Kaitaia on holiday)

My Body
So my body is the largest it's ever been, almost larger in weight than during my second pregnancy.  And I am struggling with it.  The fact that I am struggling with it is the part I find the hardest.  I do not think poorly of bigger people.  I do not think they are lazy or stupid or any of the other awful stereotypes that come with being bigger.  But I am still not used to being bigger.

And I desperately want to be comfortable because this is just one of the side effects of a medical condition.  This is the reality of my life now.  I do not have the time, energy or headspace to dedicate to a full-on attack on my fatness especially in the face of the likelihood it may be futile anyway due to my body over-producing oestrogen.  And the silly thing is that the futility makes me sad and feel like saying 'fuck it all' and over eating anyway because I may as well derive some comfort while living with this body.

I am struggling to exercise in this bigger body because it feels unweildy.  Because it is different.  It is not that I dislike exercise - I love swimming and walking and waterwalking.  But wearing more flesh than I once did I feel nervous in swimwear and anxious about sports apparel.  And I know this compounds the issue of the body I am not yet accustomed to.

I am learning how to dress myself to feel better about this change.  I think in time this will help me feel more confident with my new shape and (hopefully) soon at the point of saying 'fuck it' to the fear of swimwear and yes to getting back in the pool.  In times where I struggle to simply dress myself I often think of my super hot bigger friends and think 'What would they wear?' and it helps me find clothes and confidence to face the day.

I feel silly about this struggle because there are so many bigger issues (excuse the pun).  But this is my truth.  I feel guilty over my discomfort in my body, because I personally love all body types.  I love the diversity that is the world and humans in it.  But from this overweight angle, it is crystal clear that many folk do not feel this way. 

I feel the prejudices that come with being bigger.  I've had the GPs asking about my weight in terms of existing health issues.  I've had the (many) people asking if I'm pregnant.  I've had friends genuinely concerned about my health.  I've had the disbelief that this could possibly be due to medical reasons, from friends and GP's alike (read a bit about women's health issues for a change why dontcha?).

I can see how bigger folk could be beaten with words their whole lives.  I can see how easy it would be to give up.  To believe the haters.  To feel worthless.  I want to give up often and I've only had to feel this for a comparitively short time.  I can see why so many of the bigger women I know are so tough, so fierce.  They have to become warriors to survive this fattist society.

Whenever I feel uncomfortable I try and focus on the gorgeous warrior women I know and emulate them.  Fake it til you make it.  I have hope, but I haven't made it yet.

So even if you don't consider yourself wealthy

if you are in the middle economically you are

much better off than those in the bottom.

Economic Abuse

Recent situations have made me realise how easy it is to become economically abused without even knowing it.  How easy it would also be to become an unintentional economic abuser.  And at the heart of it, I think it's just what happens when there are large wealth gaps.

Those who have wealth often have, or learn other things that ensure they maintain that wealth:

• If wealth has been earned they are more inclined to believe that wealth is garnered through hard work.
• If wealth has been inherited they will have more access to information about financial management.
• Once you have some wealth and are able to invest, you are able to grow more money.
• If you have wealth, you can more easily survive fiscal setbacks so have a more positive view on overcoming obstacles.

Those who do not have wealth often learn things that make it harder to have wealth:

• Those who work hard for a pittance understand that hard work does not always pay off financially.
• Those who have never experienced wealth will have less experience with fiscal management.
• If wealth has been lost people may become more risk averse and less trusting of professionals.
• When you are living paycheck to paycheck it is harder to survive financial setbacks.
• Being in debt costs money.

These differences in perception about money will impact on relationships between those in different 'wealth camps'.  When love or duty are involved it can mean that the wealthy aid the less fortunate.  Which is fantastic in premise.  But often it means those without wealth feel indebted to the wealthy, equally sometimes the wealthy may feel those without wealth owe them something.  This power imbalance can contribute to maintaining this hegemony.  Those without wealth working to repay those with wealth either financially or with gifts or time.  Those with wealth not understanding why those without wealth are in that economic position.

Within families/groups of friends this can mean that those with wealth have power in terms of decision making.  This power is easily maintained by those without wealth feeling they have a debt to pay to those with wealth.  This power means that within this dynamic there will never be equality, fiscally or otherwise.  And most of the time it is not an intentional dynamic, it is just one that naturally develops.

It is the same in broader society.  The best way we can shift to a more useful dynamic, where those who have less have more power and those who have more have less power, is by economically leveling the playing field.  There are many ways we can do this including: paying a living wage, raising income tax on the upper earning brackets, fairer taxing of property and investment, lowering costs for those on low incomes and providing free, accessible fiscal education at school. 

And at a personal level it is important to recognise our privilege and check our judgments and assumptions when making decisions that financially impact others.

What if you never live to see this money?

Kiwisaver 
Following on from this ^ the realisation the Kiwisaver is only designed for the well and the privileged.  Kiwisaver is based on a false premise - that all New Zealanders have equal likelihood of making it to retirement age.  This is just not true.  Māori men and women are expected to live on average seven years less than their non-Māori counterparts.  Most Māori men will pass away just seven years into their retirement if not sooner.

For those New Zealanders that discover they have an illness that will likely shorten their lifespan, this is equally unfair.  If you have already signed on to Kiwisaver yes, you can take a 'contributions holiday'.  But that money you have already worked hard for, to save for your retirement cannot be taken out any earlier even if you know you will not live to see 65.  And while you can apply to take some out for 'Significant Financial Hardship' you need to provide a ridiculous amount of paperwork, be in financial hardship and even then you cannot take out your government contributions.

The good news for your whanau is that when you die your Kiwisaver will go to your estate.  But this isn't exactly heartwarming news when you cannot afford to pay your electricity bill and will not likely see retirement.  Or if you have no living friends or relatives.

A fucking excellent book I highly recommend

Trans Health

Sooo many things here I'm just going to talk about my bath idea.
I've just finished reading a fantastic book called Transition Denied: Confronting the Crisis in Trans Healthcare by Journalist Jane Fae.  It made me think more about our current health system and how it manages our trans friends and whanau.  In a word - poorly.  I'm looking for advocacy in terms of support of someone I know and it is not easy to find (but I will find it don't you worry!). 

My bath idea was that it would be really awesome if there were a directory of services and GPs in NZ that are trans educated and trans accepting.  I know how scary it is for trans-folk to just go to the Drs, and I also know how high the discrimination rates against them are - particularly from the medical community.  Something like this would make it easier for those looking for help and support to hit less road blocks on their path to finding themselves.  And this is so important because sometimes those road blocks end lives.

So if this doesn't already exist, I'm going to try and find a way to build it.  And if it does already exist, I will promote the shit out of it.

Tattoos
I really want another one.  But they are EXPENSIVE.

On sexism and the election

I cried when she stood down.  I was heartbroken.

Other people have written about this far eloquently than I, with better researched arguments and more politico savvy.  But someone said something to me the other day which made me feel like I had more to add.  So I may just be reiterating things you already know, and things you've read about before.  But regardless, I need to say it.

Never in my lifetime has NZd's political sexism been as transparent as it is in the lead up to this election.

Well, maybe it has.  Maybe it's just the first time we've had strong female leaders at the helm for a while.  Regardless of why, it is a phenomenon which makes me feel physically ill.

In the lead up to this election we have seen three party leaders use tax payers money in a fraudulent manner.  For one of whom, the fraud was historical and self-admitted.  For the other two the fraud happened whilst they were in parliament, and was uncovered by researchers or the media.  Two of these party leaders are still leaders running in this election.  Neither of these leaders outed themselves about the fraud and one of these leaders is the current Prime Minister of New Zealand.

The one who is no longer a leader has also been strongly nominated as the 2017 New Zealander of the Year.  And whilst stepping down as leader was entirely Metiria's choice - it was understandable given the immense pressure she and her family were under following her admission.  Whilst the media pursued the other leaders too, the ferocity with which they came after Metiria was jaw dropping with some calling for her resignation.  While both Bill English and Winston Peters paid back the money they had appropriated whilst in government, their public admonishments were not nearly as strong as that received by Turei even though their fraud was committed whilst they were in government and earning a decent income.

Why is this?

I postulate there are three parts to it.  The first part is that New Zealanders love to hate beneficiaries.  This is bolstered by the current governments constant painting of them as criminal fraudsters living it up large on the tax payer dollar.  It is easy to kick those that are already down, so even though benefit fraud only accounts for a small proportion of other types of fraud in NZ (like tax avoidance) beneficiaries are relentlessly hounded by the MSD and the media.*  So even though Turei's fraud was historical and circumstantial she was 'one of them' and needed to be taken down.

The second part to this is that like many women do, Metiria chose to put her family before her work.  Whilst the majority of her party were in support of her staying and staying would have been more powerful in terms of the argument she was trying to make, she put the needs of her family (namely her elderly mother) first.  It is difficult for me to see either Bill English or Winston Peters feeling the imperative to make the same choice.  And truthfully, I think it's because they're pākehā (or pākehā valued) men.  Whilst both are parents, and probably also someones kids, they don't have the same direct responsibilities as Metiria as a solo parent or as a Māori woman.

I don't know the stats.  My evidence is mostly anecdotal (but there are papers on it so it's obviously a thing) and based on my understanding of Te Ao Māori and experiences.  But overwhelmingly, I have seen women of colour - especially Māori and Pasifika women - to have different responsibilities than pākehā women.  They are often directly responsible for the care of other family members - siblings, parents, Grandchildren, cousins, nephews and nieces.  And if not directly responsible, they often still have a level of responsibility for care within the whanau - driving elderly relatives to hospital appointments, or financially supporting extended family members. 

These are not responsibilities easily understood by pākehā.

I think the third factor in Metiria's treatment is that she is not just a woman, but a Māori woman.  Whilst pākehā do also care for extended family directly or financially (this is the case within my own family), it is the exception rather than the rule.  Whanaungatanga is an important part of te ao Māori - so caregiving is a cultural expectation.  Metiria has lived with responsibilities misaligned with pākehā values and a strongly pākehā government.  This is part of who she is.  And this has been interpreted negatively because of her admission of benefit fraud, which was (again) done to aid her family.

I do not think she intentionally martyred herself for her people.  There were a lot of factors in her downfall, but from my perspective the biggest factor by far is that her experience as a woman, a caregiver and a mother, is not one often pitched from parliament.  Hearing a woman's experience - in particular a struggling Māori woman's perspective, is confusing.  Because we do not hear it often enough.  Because women's experiences are largely not valued by our government.

So that's half of it.

Jacinda Ardern: A New Hope? 

Now lets talk about Jacinda.

I don't even know where to start.  Do I start with the fact that her clothing choices are questioned in a way male political leaders aren't?  Or the fact that someone decided that her choices regarding procreation were a political issue?  Or the fact that  a prominent business man thought it acceptable to describe her as a 'pretty little thing'?  These are just the superficial issues.

The things regarding Jacinda that have irked me the most have been less obvious, and are things that as a woman she probably has dealt with her entire life.  The first of which is mansplaining.

This is probably just a personal bugbear.  Men do it to me all the time - including my partner** and I fucking hate it.  This makes me feel that my intelligence, experience and personhood has been written off in an instant purely because of my gender.  And it sucks!  I'm an educated, intelligent woman who reads extensively and has worked broadly.  And watching a woman of Jacinda's quick wit, education and experience have basic statistics and political concepts mansplained to her debate after debate is sickening.

If she were Colin Craig, she would have probably sued someone over it.

Watching Bill English and Mike Hosking talk over the top of her has been hard.  When I voiced this to Murray during the first debate he said 'English is just better at talking through them'.  I thought about it, and truthfully he was right.  He is better.  And I wondered why she wasn't being more forceful in the debate.  But it made me wonder what would happen if Jacinda applied the same approach as English: would we see her as better at getting her point across and leading an argument?  Or would she be perceived as a mouthy bitch?  Given the events that have happened in the lead up to this election, after serious thought I think her conservative approach is sensible.

This is the thing about women in politics - it is impossible for them not to be aware of their gender in every little thing they do.  Because they are judged to a different set of standards than your male counterparts.

Watching the debates I have to admit, I perceived Jacinda to be weak.  I appreciated that she has a moral high ground she didn't want to tread on as other politicians do regularly, but I didn't think she was strong enough.  Every time she waited politely for Bill to finish, every time she used the words 'please' and 'thankyou' and acknowledged her fellow MPs for the valuable work they were doing, I cringed internally.  I saw this as a consequence of her having lived as a woman, and having to kowtow to men on a regular basis.

But after serious thought I've realised this is not the case.  Jacinda is just smart.  She understands public perception.  She's just seen another woman get crucified for her womanhood.  Jacinda is gaming it.

Which brings me to why I felt the need to write this.

I was talking to a colleague about the election, and who we were planning on voting for.  And she said to me 'I'm voting Labour, because then maybe we'll have a woman PM.'  She went on to tell me that she knew this was probably sexist, but after what happened to Metiria she was just tired of seeing women getting beaten down.  I was appreciative of her honesty, but must admit I was shocked.

But I thought about it, like really thought about what she said and I actually totally agree.  I am sick of the boys club.

 I miss Aunty Helen...                           

I am saddened that we had nine years of a wonderful female Prime Minister (who kept our books in surplus incidentally), but we are still back to debating what colour Jacinda will wear to a debate.  We should be better by now.  I mean, there's been a smear campaign that Jacinda supports 'full term abortion' - and people have believed it***.  Seriously.  It's all a bit ridiculous.

So fuck it.  I'm going to say it.  Let's vote for a female PM.  Or if not, lets vote for parties that at least support us**** as women.  We should be waaaay past the 'you need to vote, women fought hard for your right, blah blah blah' rhetoric.  We need to vote.  And we need to vote for people who actually represent our rights as women.

Because this boys club does not have our best interests at hard.  And it has got to go.

Basic breakdown- best party for broadly addressing women's rights is The Green Party, 
and the Maori Party also have some great ideas.  

The worst parties are Act and NZ First.

* Just FYI - I have been audited for benefit fraud before.  I have very seldom received any money from the MSD - just at two periods of time in my life - both for under a year - and both due to breaks in my mental health affecting my ability to work.  Whilst I hadn't committed any fraud to my knowledge, I was terrified that I may have done so accidentally.  None of this is particularly helpful for someone who is unable to work due to suffering from chronic anxiety.

** Sorry Murray, but it's true.  There will definitely be an element of me misconceiving some things as 'mansplaining' that are regular explaining - but when you've been mansplained to your entire life it is difficult not to feel touchy when people get patronising on your arse - especially about things like mechanics of a board game that I statistically win as much as you (and you know the stats).  I don't think you're trying to be an arse, and I love you.

*** Man do I live in a bubble!  I had no idea this was going on until someone posted about it as a comment on my cousin's Facebook page.  I didn't even know this was happening, let alone that someone would believe it.  It's totally just copying the Religious Right's treatment of Hillary during the lead up to the US election.  And people still believe it.  What is happening is that Labour is in support of decriminalising abortion - not that it's ok to terminate pregnancies after 37 weeks...  This is my next blog topic right here.  Truly.  I'm pissed right now.

**** You're not an 'us' you're a dude?  Woman's rights are still in your best interests.  Just read/watch this or one of many other great articles or videos on it if you haven't been schooled on it already.

On Gender Neutral Parenting (again)

 Because this is how advertising for Lego has changed over 40 years...
 

I've talked about this a bit before in this post from last year and this one.  And I'm going to talk about it again because it's important, and becomes more obviously so the bigger the kidlets get. (And three posts about something important to me over three years isn't really too much, is it?)

The first thing I need to say about our choice in parenting is that it is not about us as parents.  It's about our kids.  I do not do this to feel 'special*' or 'unique' or 'on trend' - I do this because I think it is the best way to grow happy children.

And why will choosing to parent this way make them happy?  Because it allows us to support them in doing whatever pursuits they enjoy most.  We are trying to create a safe environment for them to learn and grow in where they feel comfortable being true to themselves.  If instead we create an environment where we expect that a girl does X thing and a boy does Y thing, if a girl happens to like doing Y thing (or vice-versa) there is a high chance they will end up feeling guilty or uncomfortable about it.  And that's not something we want our kids to feel.

We don't want our kids to grow up thinking it's not ok for boys to cry or for girls to speak their mind.  We don't want them to grow up feeling that they are inferior in any way because of their gender, or that others are.  We don't want gender to impede on their interests and progress.  Instead, we want to encourage all feelings, all interests and all learning we possibly can.

But it's a fact: boys-prefer-cars-and-girls-prefer-dolls you say?  Most studies show this is only true when it is reinforced that boys should play with 'boys toys' and vice versa for girls.  So what I'm saying is that boys prefer to play with 'boys toys' because they are encouraged to do so.  Children pick up on our tone of voice, body language and the type of language we use.  Even if we don't actively say 'play with the boy toy' if we indicate we have a preference for what toys they play with (and how they play with them) they will do their best to please us.  Children display a preference to certain 'gendered' toys when they are rewarded for doing so.  This may be by the smile of a parent or other adult, or because of the responses of their peers.  Which is why often childrens colour preferences change once they start going to kindy, daycare or school as they interact with more people.  It's not because girls are innately attracted to the colour pink.

So if we do our best not to show a preference for what our children play with, or how they play we allow them to learn a wider range of skills than if we only showed a preference for certain toys.  They may prefer playing with dolls to cars, but if they want to play with cars that's ok too.  This is important because children learn through play.  We ensure they have a wide array of things to play with to encourage learning a wide range of skills.

But-it's-pointless-cos-girls-and-boys-are-innately-different you say?  Science (for the most part) says  you're wrong.  There are very few differences between boys and girls.  Most gendered brain theories (which have been latched onto by the media resulting in all kinds of craziness) are based on very small scale studies (the MRI brain activity ones being as small as 16 adults) and are in the minority of neurological gender studies.  And neurological studies on adults are not helpful in proving innate differences between male and female humans anyway because our experiences in life affect our neural pathways.  So there is no telling whether the differences in adult brains are due to biology or experience.  And because we live in such a strongly gendered society, our experiences as men and women differ greatly.  The reason we only hear about the ones which show a difference between boys and girls (or men and women) is because it's more newsworthy than the greater quantity of studies which show little to no difference whatsoever.  So all that boys-are-better-at-spacial stuff and girls-are-better-with-language stuff is bunkum.**

So do I get upset when strangers misgender my kids?  No.  It's irrelevant.  I don't even correct them most of the time.  I purposefully dress my kids gender neutral*** to avoid incurring strongly gendered language from strangers (because strangers love to talk to parents with small children about the gender traits of their child because it's the only information they have to talk about).  Babies look like babies - how could they possibly know that Abby's a girl?   Gender is not the most important aspect of a person - it's just an aspect of a person.

Living in a society that creates a dichotomy around gender is unhealthy.  This is evidenced in our rape culture, our domestic violence rates, our hard man culture and our crazy high male suicide rates.  How do I fight this for the future generation?  By doing my best to change the current culture.  And change begins at home.  Yes, our kids will pick this dichotomy up from the media, their friends, their family etc.  No, I won't hide them under a rock and make them crazy hermit people (that's just as messed up as thigh gap****).  But what I can do is set up a strong foundation for them to understand that (for the most part) gender is a social construct and they are capable of doing many things regardless of their gender.

 Because not only is this dichotomy unhealthy for men and women, but it doesn't take into account everyone in between.  While intersex folk make up only 0.05% of the NZ population, that's still over 200,000 people in New Zealand who are not represented here.  How do you think this makes them feel?  How would you feel if because of this dichotomy you were basically treated as a non person?  If we focus less on putting folk into gender boxes, and more on other things, the world might start to be kinder to our trans communities (who top the charts in depression, addiction and suicide rates) who's only crime is trying to be themselves.  If gender wasn't deemed such a black and white thing, maybe people wouldn't get so het up about people's choices regarding their gender/gender expressions?

I want my kids to be happy in themselves whoever that self may be.  That means if they want to play drums - all good.  If they want to play board-games - all good.  If they want to play netball or rugby or pursue dancing or design or dirt bike racing - all good.  I just want them to feel free to participate in life to the fullest.  It means encouraging diverse learning so they are able to explore a wide range of activities and feel confident doing so.  So if they want a Star Wars birthday party they can have a Star Wars birthday party.  It's at the peak of the zeitgeist right now.  It's not that weird.

 Because why wouldn't anyone love Darth Vader?  Just look at that face.

*         *          *           *         *          *           *         *          *           *         *          *          

So, what can you do to help us parent our kids this way/parent your kids this way?

1) Read Parenting Beyond Pink & Blue: How To Raise Your Kids Free of Gender Stereotypes by Christia Spears Brown.  I have read a LOT of books on this topic, but this is the best.  Least extreme, well researched and most realistic in terms of actual parenting.  Seriously, it's a good, easy read (I read it in under a week with baby brain) and sums up most things I could possibly say regarding gender, feminism and parenting.  You can request it from the library.  It's totally accessible.  And if you would prefer reading something written by a Kiwi read Fathers Raising Daughters by Nigel Latta.  Not actually for Dad's specifically.  Or about daughters specifically.  Great no nonsense ideas for everyone.

2) If books are too hard (and I totally understand this) here are some practical things you can do to help:

- If you still don't understand - ask us questions.  Please.  We are happy to answer them.  We want you to understand, not to feel confused and upset and just generally think we're jerks.  We're not trying to be jerks.  We don't want to be jerks.  Lets start a dialogue.

- Try not to make a deal of gender around the kids.  No 'boys will be boys' or 'that's not very ladylike' talk.  And if you catch yourself doing it (cos it is hard to stop, it's culturally ingrained) just say 'Oops!  What I meant to say was ....'  No-one's perfect (including us).

- Don't make a deal over what the kids are wearing or playing with.  Regardless of if it's a dress or a doll or a truck or a potato.  Don't make it a thing - they're just kids being kids.  Get on board with whatever they're doing/playing and have fun!

- Try to avoid stereotyping - of any kind - about anyone.  Kids are malleable.  They take that stuff on board and it feeds into the gender dichotomy.  If you say 'all boys are penguins' they could take you at your word.  Just saying.  Not helpful.  And not true.

- Re: gifts.  Anything we deem inappropriate (strongly gender biased/pinkpinkpink/promoting negative body image) will 'disappear'.  Please don't take offense, we are just trying to be good parents to our kids.  There are heaps of toys and clothes that are appropriate.  There are 'experience' gifts (Groupons, zoo passes etc).  Or educational stuff.  Or instruments.  Or craft/building stuff.  Or books.  Or ask us what the kids are into.  Or better yet - just come hang out.  We have enough things.

- Please don't make negative comments about peoples gender preference or sexuality.  Kids can hear you, even when you're not talking to them directly.  And what they don't understand, they will interpret for themselves.

There are a heap more, but that's enough writing for today...

Basically, all we're trying to do is not limit our kids potential - and you can help us by not imposing limits on them either.  Think about what limits were (or weren't for those with progressive parents) imposed on you as a child.  How would your life be different if they hadn't (or had) been?  This is all we want for our kids.

* I am pointing this out because certain people close to us/our children seem to have latched onto this notion.  It's just not true.  And pointing this out to us, and to them, and to strangers is totally unhelpful.  I wish we weren't going against the grain.  I wish this were the status quo.  I feel like it's crazy that we live in an environment that is still so pervasively sexist so many years after the 'feminist revolution'.  Pointing this point of difference out in front of our kids undermines the entire reason for us doing this - to make them feel comfortable being who they are.  If it is made a focal point it will become a 'thing', rather than just something normal, which is the goal.

** Read Delusions of Gender by Cordelia Fine for more info on this.

*** Etta chooses her own clothes these days which arrive via hand-me-downs and things she helps us choose for her.  Her favorite colour is still yellow and she tends to choose clothing items based on what's on them rather than their colour.  Her favorite shoes are black and purple and light up when she jumps.  Her wardrobe is an assorted rainbow of things as we have no bans on colours and shop across boy/girl sections based on what she prefers (cos dinosaurs and monsters and penguins and pink and blue things are for everyone).  Now she is walking confidently there are dresses in there too, which she has just started feel comfortable wearing as more every-day wear, but she is generally most happy wearing just a nappy, or nothing at all (which is totally fine with us.  When else do you get to be nakey whenever you like?  It's one of the perks of being a kid as far as I'm concerned) .

**** Check out #5: Men think it's Super Hot.  What men?  When?  I have heard many men utter an array of sexual things at women, but never have I ever heard them yell 'Damn girl, your thigh gap is bangin!'  And even if they did, why should we change our bodies to cater for men?  They're our bodies!  They're for us.  All round crazy. 

On my ever evolving relationship with women and feminism

It is funny looking back on your life and thinking about the person you've been and the person you are becoming.  Especially if, like me, those people are significantly different from each other.  If you'd asked teenage Hannah if she was a feminist she would have probably told you to fuck off.  If you'd asked mid 20's Hannah if she was a feminist she would have probably given you a long rant about how making art in a 'woman's' media doesn't make you a feminist.  But if you ask Hannah now if she's a feminist you will get a straight up 'Yes'.

I think I've always espoused feminist values, but couldn't marry those values with my concept of who 'feminists' were.  And for a big chunk of my life I had difficulty relating to women - I had to reconcile the fact I was a woman before I could even consider my relationship with feminism.

Little Hannah (in the pink) - Calf Club day out in South Head

I grew up (for the most part) a country girl.  In terms of gender typing it meant I got to sit on the fence a bit.  I was expected to do all the usual 'girl' things (have long hair, wear dresses, play with dolls, bake and do jobs around the house), but I also got to do regular 'country' stuff - chop kindling, ride bikes, catch fish, drive farm vehicles and do farm jobs.  It kinda felt like my family subscribed to the 'girls can do anything so long as they do the dishes' kind of thinking.

While this was good to some extent, I also grew up in a predominantly white, affluent farming area where gender typing was standard.  Men who weren't good at farm work were pansies and homos and women who were different from the norm were bitches and sluts.  Feminists were lesbos or dykes.  Throwing like a girl was a bad thing.

For me, growing up as a girl generally seemed like a bad thing.  I didn't fit in well with most other girls.  I was an outspoken, imaginative and bright kid.  I preferred hanging out with boys from an early age as I felt like boys actually did stuff and girls just sat around and talked.  This was reinforced at home where Mum was a passive voice and Dad was anything but.  I saw this as a weakness*, and while I loved my Mum I could not relate to her and did not want to grow up to be her.

I hit puberty early and that further estranged me from my female peers.  I wasn't aware of it at the time, but boys were now interested in me in a different way and some girls perceived me as a threat.  Though I had always been bullied ( I was always a 'nerd'), this was when the girl specific bullying really came into it's own.  I had friends, but never felt a part of anyone's inner circle.  I was lonely, although by no means alone.

I struggled to cope with my new womanly body.  It was a drag.  Suddenly, running was uncomfortable and doing the physical things I used to wasn't the same.  I felt estranged from myself.**

At High School I formed strong bonds with my male peers as, for the most part, I didn't really have to acknowledge my femininity when I was with them.  I could be bright and imaginative and have fun.  I felt more myself with them.  When I look back on teen Hannah though I am sad.  Without meaning to, by attempting to escape her gender she became the antithesis of a feminist.  I can remember a friend telling me how he made his girlfriend clean up after one of his epic parties and just replying 'if she's dumb enough to do it then it's her fucking problem.'  I didn't like or understand other women.  I couldn't empathise with them.  I felt as though I'd escaped the whole equality quandry by just hanging with the boys.  I didn't think it applied to me.

A (15ish) Hannah - one of the boys.

But at the same time I bought into the rape culture that is pervasive in New Zealand.  There were several occasions where I was date raped, on one occasion by a close friend - although at the time I never would have seen it as that.  Every time I was intoxicated.  I was young, I was flirtatious and I was dressed provocatively.  I believed it was my fault.  I felt that if I were stupid enough to put myself in the situation how could it not be?  And despite having said no, several times, every time, I eventually stopped fighting.  Every time.  I felt my giving up was an indication of my consent.

My general attitude toward other women reflected this same culture.  I wolf whistled at women in short skirts on the street.  I belittled other women.  I thought women were generally silly and deserved everything they received as a result.

When I was about twenty I moved into an entirely female flat.  And they were different.  They didn't just sit around not doing anything.  They were kind and warm and open.  And while I had met other girls like this previously***, I had not met them en masse and it was enlightening.  I felt comfortable with myself in a group of other women for (what felt like) the first time.

And at Unitec I found even more like minded ladies (love you guys so much x x).  Whilst studying I also engaged with ideas around feminism academically for the first time.  I was (and am still) grateful for my time with the boys - it meant I took nothing at face value.  Whilst I read a lot about feminism I was still not ready to call myself a feminist.  I felt that much I read did not equate to striving for equality.  Very few texts (at the time) talked about balancing women's liberation with men's liberation.

This was particularly apparent to me having come from a farming background where the male archetype is as ingrained, if not moreso, than that for the ladies.  And having been one of the 'boys' for much of my teenagehood I really felt like there was this whole issue of 'man' that was being ignored.  Like 'man' was this blank slate for projection of all of 'women's' issues, without acknowledging their personhood or needs.  I felt feminism, and (some) feminists I knew at the time took a very one sided approach, and I was horrified to be lumped in with them.

At the same time I felt the feminism I saw around me neglected to acknowledge women's sexuality, or desire to be sexual.  Whilst I completely understood the backlash against being objectified, I couldn't equate that restriction with freedom.  Why couldn't I wear sexy clothes and own my body?  Why couldn't I be intelligent and still enjoy cooking and knitting?  What was wrong with being just a Mum?  I felt as though feminism imposed as many rules on me as the patriarchy.  It was still a regime, just one run by someone else.

The face of an unkempt feminist

Today I am happy to be called a feminist because I take it at its word.  A feminist is supposed to be someone who strives for equal rights.  I am definitely that someone.  I have decided I am ok with people thinking whatever they like about me regardless of this label - that's their problem.

Today there are many subgroups and branches and offshoots of traditional feminism.  There are many new definitions and names for these, so many I don't remember them all.  It's all too confusing.  This is why just being called a feminist is good enough for me.  The main gist of my values is there.  People can pick it apart all they want.  I no longer give a shit.

So do I think women deserve equal pay?  Yes, of course we fucking do!  I would like it if we could compare equal work in equal jobs at equal levels (which is not how this statistic is calculated currently) so we could see exactly wherein the issue the inequality sits****.  But I also think we need more support out there for Dads.  Why aren't there change tables in men's bathrooms too?  Why don't men get support from Maternity Mental Health for the first year too?  When will 'flexitime' be normalised not just for working Mums, but Dad's too?

There has been a lot of work that's gone into giving women choice in terms of staying home or going to work (or both), but not vice versa.  And from a practical perspective this is just stupid.  Cos if I want to go to work, but Murray has less support to stay at home with the kids than I do, it's a no brainer as to who stays at home.  How can we change this dynamic if we're focused on only one side of the picture?

And if we want to break through our rape culture we need to work on breaking down our hard man culture.  Because not only are Kiwi dudes great at sexually (and otherwise) assaulting women, but they are first class at topping themselves.  So it's not really working out so well for anyone.   And whilst us ladies still strive for equal treatment, at least we have our close mates to bitch about it with.  Most of us talk things through, get stuff off our chests and feel ok.  And if we can't do it with our mates, we go and get help.  It's acceptable.  Guys don't seem to feel they can do this.  So what do they do when they're not coping?  They act out.  It's not rocket science.

Anyhow, that's enough ranting for one day.  In summary, today I'm a proud feminist.  It took me a while to get here, but I am comfortable with that path.  I strongly believe in equal rights for all.  Everyone matters.  And everyone should be free to be whoever they are without fear.  So I strive to teach my kids things can be different.  Because they can.  I know they can.

* It took me a long time to understand that not all strength is visible and not all decisions are simple.  I love my Mum to the moon and back and have much respect for her now.

** I have to clarify: I have never felt I was trapped in the wrong body.  I just struggled to feel my athleticism slipping off my bones (how it felt).  I remember that juxtaposition between childhood and adulthood and I didn't like it.  I liked the sameness of childhood - how boys and girls were the same, really.  Just kids.  But I relate strongly to those who are trans or identify as gender queer as I really feel that imposition of gender.  At times it's fine, and others it's uncomfortable to wear.

*** Please don't get me wrong.  I had LOTS of female friends over those growing up years, some whom I was quite close to, still talk to and admire greatly.  I just never felt like I fit into those girl friend groups where there were dynamics, and back chat and gossip and stuff.

**** I suspect it's to do with low paid 'women's industries' like care work, the fact women have to take more time out for childcare which slows career progression and women's higher participation in voluntary work that is doing it.  But I can't know this.  Because we need a few law changes before we can get the statistics to know this for sure.