This post will focus on what makes abusers, and how we can change this.
Recent police data shows that the majority of those directly affected by violent crimes in Aotearoa are women (54%), and perpetrators are overwhelmingly male (76%). And violence resulting in injury is perpetrated by a higher percentage of men (87%) against a higher percentage of women (65%). While these stats also reflect that men are also victims, and women perpetrators, they are the minority. 3/4 of all violent crimes, and almost 90% of serious violent crimes (resulting in injury) are perpetrated by men.
Crimes of a violent nature are overwhelmingly a male problem.
There is no 'male' or 'female' brain. Just brain.
Why is this? It is often blamed on the 'male'* hormone testosterone, but this is a simplistic argument. Metastudies have shown that in spite of popular opinion, there is little difference between the male and female brain. Studies that have been touted as 'proving' difference based on gender have for the most part been discredited. This is due to size (some referenced studies with as few as 12 participants), inconsistency in results, or showing too marginal a difference to be of note. The only studies which have consistently shown any difference between men and women regard spacial visualisation abilities. And even so, the difference is less than 5%.** So testosterone and 'male brains' are not likely the culprits.
If it's not nature, then surely it's nurture.
Aotearoa's 'culture' of the 1960's (when my Mother was born) was all about rugby racing and beer. And this illustrates an important point. Because rugby, racing and beer were just for men. We may have won the right to vote before other nations (thanks to the temperance movement) but, prior to 1961 women weren't allowed to drink in public outside of hotel bars. Women could not be professional jockey's until 1978 and we did not have an international women's rugby team until 1991. Although this was recognised as quintessentially 'Kiwi' culture, for decades our culture excluded women.
So many of us have grown up with an image of New Zealand in which our women were rendered invisible. While this is changing (slowly, we still have more 'John's' in the boardroom than women...) we still have a long way to go in terms of gender equality. And we constantly seem to be roadblocking that by creating new trends that mark gender.
We live in a time of gender reveal parties.
Where the first question many of us are asked when we discover we will become parents is 'Would you prefer a girl or a boy?' When you can get blood tests that can determine your babies gender from
just 10 weeks into your pregnancy. Before these tiny humans are even born, their gender is considered the most important thing about them.
Even if like me, you've tried really hard to avoid this. As a feminist with a strong desire to build a better world for the next generation I have worked hard to avoid gender typing. But kids don't live inside a vacuum. Etta was teased by other girls at Kindy for wearing 'boy' clothes. Now, at not quite six she and her friends are already struggling with physical intimidation by boys in the playground. I've sat in school assemblies where playground violence has been quietly attributed to 'the boys'. And even while this may be true, and even while they were being told it was wrong, telling them this is what boys do is not helping.
Even though it mightn't seem so, it's as bad as saying 'boys will be boys'.
Because when we say this, kids hear us. They hear that this is what we expect from them. And because gender is talked about as an important defining part of who they are, they want to meet those expectations. They want to play the part expected of them so they can be a 'good' boy or girl. So if we tell our boys they are rough, unemotional and not good with words, and we tell our girls to be pretty, they will work hard to be what we say they are. And this doesn't serve anyone, particularly our kids.
There are many things our violence rates illustrate about what is wrong in our culture. To me though, the biggest one is that boys need to be allowed, and taught how to manage their emotions and that it's ok to cry***. In Aotearoa particularly, men are expected to be staunch, to be strong, to not cry. Sometimes it feels like the only emotion are boys are expected to express is anger. On many occasions I've seen men I know struggling to process emotion go straight to anger. And how can we expect any different? If they are not taught to feel and manage other emotions, where else can they go?
I expect our ever increasing male suicide rates might answer this question.
It doesn't feel nice hurting people. Yes, there are certainly sadists out there who get a kick out of it, but I believe they are the minority. Acknowledging that we have hurt someone is hard. For anyone. Particularly hard if you don't know how to deal with your emotions. Statistics show that many perpetrators of abuse were abused themselves. For those people, they not only have to process their mistakes, but they have to process what happened to them. It's a lot to process. I am not justifying abuse as a course of action here, I am simply saying that we need to do more to support our men emotionally. Equality is a two way street. Why shouldn't men have the same tools as women? Not having them is literally killing them, and in the process, us.
So what can we do to change this?
There are many small things we can do to change this culture of abuse, within our own homes, families and communities. It will take time to change, but it won't change at all if we don't do anything about it. Here are a few simple things we can do to change this culture.
* Women produce testosterone too... Just in smaller amounts.
**Please read Delusions of Gender by Cordelia Fine for more info.
*** The flip side of this is, of course, that girls need to it's ok to be strong. It's ok to go against the grain and they shouldn't be punished for it. The other thing those stats illustrated is that females are more likely to suffer a violent assault than men. Sadly, other data shows that girls who grow up in a home where their Mum is abused by their Dad are six times more likely to experience sexual abuse, than girls who don't. Equally, a young boy witnessing his mother being abused is 10 times more likely to abuse a future female partner.
**** I've been to a few domestic violence groups now where women have said their partners/ex-partners used their anger management classes as justification for their behavior/ to minimise the abuse they perpetrated.
***** Although it overwhelmingly impacts on trans folk more than any other group, queer people and women.
Crimes of a violent nature are overwhelmingly a male problem.
There is no 'male' or 'female' brain. Just brain.
If it's not nature, then surely it's nurture.
Aotearoa's 'culture' of the 1960's (when my Mother was born) was all about rugby racing and beer. And this illustrates an important point. Because rugby, racing and beer were just for men. We may have won the right to vote before other nations (thanks to the temperance movement) but, prior to 1961 women weren't allowed to drink in public outside of hotel bars. Women could not be professional jockey's until 1978 and we did not have an international women's rugby team until 1991. Although this was recognised as quintessentially 'Kiwi' culture, for decades our culture excluded women.
So many of us have grown up with an image of New Zealand in which our women were rendered invisible. While this is changing (slowly, we still have more 'John's' in the boardroom than women...) we still have a long way to go in terms of gender equality. And we constantly seem to be roadblocking that by creating new trends that mark gender.
This new tradition does not serve us.
We live in a time of gender reveal parties.
Where the first question many of us are asked when we discover we will become parents is 'Would you prefer a girl or a boy?' When you can get blood tests that can determine your babies gender from
just 10 weeks into your pregnancy. Before these tiny humans are even born, their gender is considered the most important thing about them.Even if like me, you've tried really hard to avoid this. As a feminist with a strong desire to build a better world for the next generation I have worked hard to avoid gender typing. But kids don't live inside a vacuum. Etta was teased by other girls at Kindy for wearing 'boy' clothes. Now, at not quite six she and her friends are already struggling with physical intimidation by boys in the playground. I've sat in school assemblies where playground violence has been quietly attributed to 'the boys'. And even while this may be true, and even while they were being told it was wrong, telling them this is what boys do is not helping.
Even though it mightn't seem so, it's as bad as saying 'boys will be boys'.
Because when we say this, kids hear us. They hear that this is what we expect from them. And because gender is talked about as an important defining part of who they are, they want to meet those expectations. They want to play the part expected of them so they can be a 'good' boy or girl. So if we tell our boys they are rough, unemotional and not good with words, and we tell our girls to be pretty, they will work hard to be what we say they are. And this doesn't serve anyone, particularly our kids.
There are many things our violence rates illustrate about what is wrong in our culture. To me though, the biggest one is that boys need to be allowed, and taught how to manage their emotions and that it's ok to cry***. In Aotearoa particularly, men are expected to be staunch, to be strong, to not cry. Sometimes it feels like the only emotion are boys are expected to express is anger. On many occasions I've seen men I know struggling to process emotion go straight to anger. And how can we expect any different? If they are not taught to feel and manage other emotions, where else can they go?
Voices like John Kirwin's and Mike King's are so important.
What would help even more if someone came out about addressing their anger.
What would help even more if someone came out about addressing their anger.
I expect our ever increasing male suicide rates might answer this question.
It doesn't feel nice hurting people. Yes, there are certainly sadists out there who get a kick out of it, but I believe they are the minority. Acknowledging that we have hurt someone is hard. For anyone. Particularly hard if you don't know how to deal with your emotions. Statistics show that many perpetrators of abuse were abused themselves. For those people, they not only have to process their mistakes, but they have to process what happened to them. It's a lot to process. I am not justifying abuse as a course of action here, I am simply saying that we need to do more to support our men emotionally. Equality is a two way street. Why shouldn't men have the same tools as women? Not having them is literally killing them, and in the process, us.
So what can we do to change this?
There are many small things we can do to change this culture of abuse, within our own homes, families and communities. It will take time to change, but it won't change at all if we don't do anything about it. Here are a few simple things we can do to change this culture.
- Educate ourselves on our countries history. Use this education to help us acknowledge the impact colonialism had, and still has on Māori.
- Educate ourselves on what abuse looks like. There are plenty of resources online, and many courses you can do. Can you recognise systemic abuse? Can you recognise fiscal abuse? Can you recognise emotional abuse?
- Educate ourselves on the links between sexism, racism, abelism and abuse. Understanding this will help us teach our children differently (hopefully).
Good on ya Kanoa!
- Vote for political parties that acknowledge this issue and are willing to do the work to make relevant changes in law reform, mental health outreach and support, and equality.
- Support your local woman's refuge however you can. Equally, support programmes that support men in accessing and managing their emotions. Do not assume all programmes out there are helpful, or that if someone is attending one they will be 'better'.***** This is not a simple problem that can easily be fixed.
- If abuse has happened in your family try and work through the shame. Seek help to address proactive ways of managing what has happened through counseling, or talking with people that you trust. We need to erase the stigma around abuse.
- Make sure your children understand what emotions are, why they are feeling them, and things they can do to manage those feelings.
- Do not tolerate violence in your own home (where possible).
- Realise this is not a black and white issue. There are many sides to any story, and while all are relevant, resolutions should focus on respecting boundaries set for safety.
- Act with kindness.
- Share what you learn with your loved ones and children.
* Women produce testosterone too... Just in smaller amounts.
**Please read Delusions of Gender by Cordelia Fine for more info.
*** The flip side of this is, of course, that girls need to it's ok to be strong. It's ok to go against the grain and they shouldn't be punished for it. The other thing those stats illustrated is that females are more likely to suffer a violent assault than men. Sadly, other data shows that girls who grow up in a home where their Mum is abused by their Dad are six times more likely to experience sexual abuse, than girls who don't. Equally, a young boy witnessing his mother being abused is 10 times more likely to abuse a future female partner.
**** I've been to a few domestic violence groups now where women have said their partners/ex-partners used their anger management classes as justification for their behavior/ to minimise the abuse they perpetrated.
***** Although it overwhelmingly impacts on trans folk more than any other group, queer people and women.
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