Failing the Challenge

Failure is an awful feeling.

Especially when it's a choice.

Because I did have a choice.  I could have held on and mucked through.  But the truth is that aside from the challenge last week was unpredictably tough.

A new recipe I made for the challenge -
Scottish oatcakes.  Quite tasty!  And cheap!

First off, the challenge was tougher than I thought it would be!  While it was different from the Ration Challenge in that I didn't feel that hard, aching hunger (I did make it halfway through the challenge), I did feel hungry at times.  I was much more anxious than usual as I knew how reliant I was on prep, and had to remember to bring the food I'd prepped with me to work.  My time felt much more precious.  And I had less of it than I had during last years challenge.  Even though I had more 'choice' in food than last time, it was still tough to eat the same thing for days in a row.  And even though those things were things I'd chosen that I like, the lack of variety was tough.

And then I got the headaches.  On the second day of the challenge I felt super wiped out and had a massive headache.  After school drop off, on the only day I have home alone, when I'm usually cleaning or writing, I went to bed to read and passed out for three hours.  The next day felt much the same, and not helped by a 5am start (Abby likes to wake up around then).  While I was hoping to have some time to rest and do food prep, after grocery shopping I had to pick Abby up from Kindy as she had a reaction to her immunisations which put everything - food, rest and work, into a spin.

My usual morning coffee           

When I saw my Mum before heading into work she told me the headaches were probably caffeine
withdrawal.  It seemed weird as I only have one coffee most mornings, and never had this when I did The Ration Challenge.  But the timing made sense.  I popped some paracetamol and headed into work.  Work was insane.  I'd forgotten we had a nursery sale on, which is always the busiest sale of all.  I worked extra hours to help out.  I was so busy, the headaches became some low background haze.

When I arrived home on Friday, I learned a dear friend had passed away on Thursday night.  It was expected, but still, grief hit me like a tidal wave.  And I had no food prepped.  After that, I just didn't have the resolve to continue.  All my resolve just left my body.

Had I been in the position of someone actually living below the line, I could not have done the things I did next.  I could not have afforded the petrol, or bus-fare to head North to say goodbye.

Even though I didn't finish the challenge, my circumstances really hit home to me how hard it would be to be in a less privileged position.

Had I been in the position of someone living below the line, there would be no way I could have gone to say goodbye.  We had to pay for the petrol to drive up to her Marae.  We had to find easy ways to feed the kids.  I needed to give her whanau a koha to help with the tangi.  She was loved by so many, it is no small thing.  And we are fortunate in that we can do that.  Not everyone can.  Even when they love someone with all their heart, not everyone has the option to drop everything to farewell their loved ones.

This privilege was reiterated when on driving home I got another headache.  This one put holes and rainbows through the left side of my vision.  This has happened to me before, and it was due to a severe sinus infection.  I then realised my earlier headaches probably weren't caffeine withdrawal*, but the beginning of this infection.  We drove straight from Northland to our local White Cross so I could get a check up and some meds.  Two more things that may not have been possible had I not been in the position to afford the emergency Drs fee, or the medication.

I do not regret opting out.  I needed to farewell my friend but I am so, so grateful that I am in the position that I could.

I know there is more to say, but right now I feel tired, hurt and raw.  So I will revisit this in the future.  In the meantime, I will take nothing for granted.

* Just in case, I've quit coffee anyway.  It had just become a habit after I had kids.  I never used to drink it.  To my knowledge, I've never experienced withdrawal symptoms from anything.  After hearing how bad they are, I have no desire to.

Prep for Living Below The Line

So I am starting this challenge tomorrow.

I just finished the last of my shopping (veges) and am feeling pretty good going in to this.  Certainly, compared to the Ration Challenge, this feels easier.

Last years Ration Challenge gave me this plus salt, lemon pepper, cinnamon, 125g of tofu, 170grams of carrots and 120 grams of peanuts.

This year, my $19.95 has bought me all this plus I have $2.03 left over to spend on small, cost calculated, extras from the pantry*.  I opted to just shop at my usual places that are easily accessible by foot, rather than going to the bulk foods store which is a bit further.  Shopping around is  something not always easy for someone on limited means.  All of this comes from Pak n Save Alderman Drive and our local Asian vege store - besides the pumpkin which was an impulse buy from Countdown when doing a fruit dash for kids lunches as it was just $2!

I feel like for me, this is plenty.  My $19.95 bought me 500g of rice, 6 eggs, 500g yellow split peas, 750g oats, a tin of creamed corn, tomatoes and coconut cream, a large pumpkin, about 1/2 a cup of roasted, salted peanuts, some popcorn kernels, 2 mushrooms, 2 lemons, some onions, a bag of carrots and a little bit of ginger and garlic.  It is definitely enough to make enough meals for me to live on.  And it wasn't all planned!  Although I am very much a planning down to the last cent kind of person, the pumpkin was so big and cheap I couldn't walk past it and I kinda splurged on mushrooms and lemons.  So I don't feel hard done by.

But there are some notable things missing.  Meat is expensive, and something that I lived without for years, so it was a no-brainer to not even bother.  Also, no dairy.  I had hoped I'd be able to afford some cheese, but the sacrifices I'd have had to have made for that cheese was not worth it.  Nor is there bread.  I could definitely not afford the gluten free bread I usually buy, nor is it worth it for me to buy $1 bread even though it would make this coming week easier**.  I really wanted to buy a bag of fruit, but when it came down to a choice between carrots and fruit, I went with carrots because they were cheaper, and also more flexible.  There are no quick meals here - besides porridge, carrots and eggs.  All my main meals take time and preparation.

Vege shopping (sans pumpkin)

There are no drink things here.  Even though I do drink coffee every morning, it hadn't crossed my mind until after I'd done my supermarket shop.  Not that I could afford it without cutting into other things.  And even then, it would have to be the cheapest instant coffee and I'd have to have it without milk, which is yuck.  And spend more on pantry sugar.  All round, it was not possible.  This week's 'coffee' will be lemon in hot water.  That way I still feel like I'm having 'something', while also having some vitamin C.

Because while this week is more vegeful than my Ration Challenge week, it still doesn't meet the nutritional minimum.  I've worked out I'll get about 3 or 4 out of my 5 plus a day from this.  So while it's ok, it's not ideal.  Looking at this picture, I have no idea where my calcium will be coming from, and I'm guessing there will be other things I've missed out on nutritionally given I'm not a trained nutritionist.

Tarka daal, YUM! (and cheap to make)      

 But I am excited about the meals!  I decided to base my food choices around healthy(ish) comfort foods that I usually eat.  So I'm making my favourite Taarka Daal, pumpkin soup, sweetcorn fritters and egg fried rice, in quantities that will give me multiple meals.  I will supplement this with 'found' salads, oat-flour flatbreads, carrot sticks and peanuts.

To make this experience more 'true' to living below the line, I will also not exercise any personal spending.  It feels silly to restrict one side of life, and not any other.  So no retail therapy, no Instant Kiwis (secret bad treat) and only free-to-air TV this week.

While I am not asking for donations directly, if you appreciate what I'm doing here, feel free to donate to Live Below the Line, the Ration Challenge ***, KidsCan or Foodbank New Zealand.

Watch this space for updates!




* Limited, cheap spices cost 10c per teaspoon, salt costs 1c per teaspoon, soy sauce costs 6c per Tbsp, canola oil costs 6c per Tbsp, brown sugar costs 25c for 1/4 cup, white flour costs 15c for 1 cup, baking powder costs 7c per tsp.  I'm not intending on using much of any of these.

** The only naughty for my health thing I bought was the onion, but that quantity spread over a week should not cause a drama.

*** If you don't know anyone doing the challenge, you can still donate!  What I did last year was topped up a few teams or individuals who were at the bottom of the leaderboards to help them feel more supported.  Great way to boost someone doing something super tough whilst giving to a great cause.

Why Food Challenges are important... to me anyway.

It's weird being middle class.  Having grown up very not middle class, it's confronting*.  It's a daily battle amalgamating two different sets of values.  And this reiterates to me just how much our childhood impacts us.  From the foods we like to eat, to the people we socialise with to the jobs we choose and the aspirations we have.  My childhood defines me, for both better and worse.

Growing up I never thought I would own my own home.

Living in relative comfort, I feel a sense of guilt every day.  I know what I have.  Poverty is not theoretical to me.  Not only have I been in this position, but I still have family in this position.  My daughter goes to a decile 3 school, a KidsCan school.  We can see the need for that support in our community.  Conversely, we have enough food to fill our kids lunchboxes.  We have enough money to pay our mortgage - we own a house in Auckland.  We have Netflix.  I know these are the sorts of things many people we know may take for granted as basics.  But I also know they aren't.

At the moment I'm feeling especially guilty because The Ration Challenge is starting again soon and I'm not doing it.

This year is a bit of a struggle for me.  My workload is heavy, family stuff is heavy and my health is suffering.  The Ration Challenge is bloody tough!  I struggled to get through my normal workload last year.  And currently, I'm working more than I was last year so it just doesn't feel feasible**.  Last year I got the shakes.  I cried.  I lost 2kg that week.  And I wasn't even living on the minimum.  As one of the fortunate folk connected enough to get good sponsorship, I enjoyed a few extras.  I can't imagine how hard it would have been without them.

I know I'm making the right decision.  But I still feel guilty.  It's not even just about the money.  After last years challenge, facing the reality of what thousands of people live with on a daily basis, I started donating a small amount monthly to Oxfam.  I know that even a small amount makes a difference.  But giving money isn't enough to assuage my guilt.

     The Ration Challenge is bloody tough!

Doing this challenge last year was hard, but doing it felt really good.  Not only because I raised much more money than I ever thought I could, but because it reminded me of just how lucky I am.  It reminded me how easy it might be for someone in my position to forget.  And that if someone's never felt hungry for longer than a few days, it is difficult for them to understand the long term impact of hunger.  In fact, every person I've spoken to who works in fundraising has said that the areas where people give the most, often have the least.  Fundraisers do better in low income areas, like Henderson and Mangere, than in places like Remuera or Parnell.  I think it's because in wealthy areas many have no concept of what it's like to live with so little.

Of course, many people rise from poverty to relative financial success who have also forgotten.  The two people foremost in my mind are our former PM John Key, and National MP Paula Bennett.  They too lived through tough times.  Both were reliant on government support for a time - John Key as a child who's mother was on the Widows Benefit, and Paula Bennett via the DPB as a young Mum.  I'm not saying they didn't work hard to get to where they are now.  I've seen the video of John Key working the stock market, pissing into a bottle.  I'm just saying that other people work just as hard and don't move far from where they started.  I'm scared that if I forget where I came from, if I forget how it feels to have less choice, to be hungry, I could easily be like them.

The Cycle of Poverty                 
It doesn't always look like this         
but a good overview nonetheless.       

So while I am not doing the Ration Challenge, I've decided I will do a food challenge.  After last year, I think I'm going to have to do one every year to ensure I don't forget.  This year I've decided I'm going to do the Live Below The Line challenge for 7 days instead.  The last time I planned on doing this I had to flag it as I found out I was pregnant with Etta the week before I was due to start...  Now the time for this actual challenge has already passed this year.  But given my goals are (in a way) selfish, there is no reason why I can't just do it anyway.

I have chosen this challenge because, while it feels as though it'll be easier than the Ration Challenge, it is still going to be a challenge.  I will have $19.95 to feed myself for seven days.  The main difference between this and The Ration Challenge is that I have some choice.  The Ration Challenge was particularly hard due to the dire lack of vegetables.  While the perks in the Ration Challenge did drive me to fundraise more, it simultaneously added to the stress of doing the challenge.  I know people who live on this amount, or a little less, or a little more, most weeks.  It is important that I remind myself of how it feels to be like them.  The flow on effect of having limited options.  And I can write about my experience and hope it gives an insight as to why it's so important to have compassion for those with limited means.

I also understand that donating money is a privilege.  Many want to give, but truly cannot.  Last year I felt as if a few of my friends and whanau felt bad about not donating, or not donating more.  I don't like making people feel bad.  So I'm not going to ask for donations on social media.  I will post some links in my blogs in case people want to donate independently, and will also provide links later on for places you can donate food or time to help those in need.

The wonderful, prolific vege, puha

Doing this off book means I'm allowing myself a couple of perks.  The perks are things we can all do to supplement our diet here in NZ, but were not possible in the Ration Challenge***.  Because I'm an experienced forager, and know many in poverty are not, I'm only going to forage basic foods found in most places around NZ - dandelion, puha, nasturtium, rosemary and wild fennel.  Equally, I've opted to spend a little of my $19.95 on pantry basics that will last six+ weeks, to trade (by value amount) for pantry basics I could conceivably have bought during previous weeks if this was my normal budget.  I've chosen salt, pepper, turmeric, garam masala, soy sauce and small amounts of flour and white sugar.

And because I don't want this to impact my family as much as The Ration Challenge did last year, I am doing it at a time that works best for us.  So my Challenge week will be the 21st to the 27th of May (after Etta's birthday celebrations are finished).  Last year the last night of the Ration Challenge fell on our annual Matariki celebration - which is literally a feast with old friends.  That was hard!  I'm also not taking on as many additional hours at work that week (this was hard in that I suck at saying no).  I know that doing this demonstrates my privilege, but I am making some allowances for my health this year.

Refugee camps in Jordan.  It's no small thing.

If you are in good health and want to understand what it's like to live with less, I highly recommend participating in The Ration Challenge.  It is tough, but it gives the gift of insight into how whole communities survive on so little.  It forces us to form communities, and support strangers.  The lessons I learned from doing this year are invaluable.  I cannot emphasise this enough.  And I promise I will sponsor you.

* Talk about First World Problems...

** In fact, Murray told me he was very glad I wasn't doing it again as last year was also tough on him and the kids...
*** Because it was emulating the situation for refugees in camps in Jordan, which are basically settled on dust.

Preparing for the Ration Challenge (2)

Today marks exactly one month until the start of the Ration Challenge!

And even though I post about this every week, every week a lot changes.  This week I had a big change.  I started a team.  Starting a Ration Challenge Team is hard when you don't actually know any other people doing the Ration Challenge.  And hard when you have social anxiety.  But I thought - what have I got to lose?  And I asked a random lady who had commented on the Ration Challenge Facebook page if she wanted to form a team with me.  And she said yes!  Then I asked a lady in one of my Mummies forums - she also said yes (but I haven't heard from her since...)

So anyhow - I am now in a team of two which feels awesome!

Our fundraising team page - The CompassionAtes

Because now I am not doing this on my own!  My team mate, Sonali, lives on the North Shore.  And even though meeting new people makes me super anxious - we are actually going to meet during the week of the challenge!  It will be nice to have someone to talk to that is also experiencing the difficulties of participating in this challenge.  And it will be nice to share a meal with someone during this week.  Actually, this is an amazing opportunity to meet someone I never otherwise would, just because we believe in the same principle of helping others.

The other news this week is that I am 2/3rds of the way to achieving my fundraising goal.  Which makes me believe I will achieve it - and possibly even more?  If I raise $864 I can pay for a child's education for a whole year!  And if I raise $1024 those funds can feed four people in the Zataari Camp for a whole year!  That would be amazing.  And every little bit that is donated counts.  So far, in its inaugural year in New Zealand the Ration Challenge community has already raised more than $114,000 which is enough to feed 445 refugees for a whole year.  And it's still a month away from the actual challenge!

So I want to say thank you so much to everyone who has donated to the Ration Challenge so far.  Whether your donation has been small or large, every bit of it helps these folk who through no fault of their own face massive challenges every day.  And if you've sponsored me, you have also helped me gain some rewards to make this challenge a little easier.  So far your contributions have got me some the following extra bits and pieces:

•  50 grams of sugar
• 210mls of milk                     This is 170g of carrot - the other vege I am considering.
• 170 grams of a vegetable  

A vegetable!  This is amazing!  I would have struggled without this boost.  170 grams is not a lot, but it is enough to make a difference to both my energy levels and my frame of mind.  I am as yet undecided on what vegetable to choose.  I have strongly been considering carrot as I can make a nice carrot and lentil soup and cut the remainder into little strips for teeny sweet snacks during the day.  But it will most likely be rainbow silverbeet from the garden.  Leafy greens you get more bang for your buck weight wise.  Plus having stems and leaves make for two different textures for more variety.  And rainbow silverbeet equals colour which equals antioxidants which equals more happiness.  Well, that's my theory anyway. 

The other awesome thing is that as a team Sonali and I have each raised over $350, which gives us a team bonus of either an extra 100mls of milk or 25 grams of sugar each.  Which really is helpful!  I think I will be going with the milk as the extra protein will be helpful in helping me survive the days better.  And of course, if either of us makes it to a reward level the other hasn't by the 17th of June, we can share the extra we have with each other.

The other benefit of being in a team is that we get to pool our unlimited spices!  I let Sonali choose the combo so we are going with salt and lemon pepper.  While I had not even considered lemon pepper I do see a lot of potential here so am starting to feel excited about her choice.  And if anyone else wants to do the challenge and/or decides to join our team we may even have even more variety and more people to share ideas, feelings and recipes with.

If you want to sponsor me, just click here.  Or if you don't have credit card/are struggling with the website, just PM me and we'll work it out.

*           *           *          *           *           *           *           *           *           *           *           *           

Recipe time!

So I measured out how much flour I will have for the challenge, deducted what will be used for my cookies and divided the rest roughly into seven.  This gives me about 1/4 of a cup per day to use for flatbread (plus an extra 1/2 cup to be used as needed on tougher days).  I decided to base my recipe on Fatima's recipe from the Ration Challenge Guide.  So my recipe is:

Gluten Free Flatbread

1/4 cup gluten free flour mix

enough water to mix to a smooth dough

A little salt to taste

1/2 tsp oil to fry flatbread in.

1) Mix the flour, salt and water to make a firm dough.  Knead for 2 - 3 minutes.

2) Leave to rest covered with a damp cloth for 10ish minutes

3) Flatten your flatbreads into super flat rounds - I reckon the flatter the better.

4) Heat a small frying pan to a medium high heat (I use the second to highest second) and fry until starts to brown, then turn and cook the other side the same.

5) Cut into triangles and serve with whatever you have available.

Next to a teaspoon for comparison.

I rolled the next one flatter so it was a little bigger.

I have made these twice and the visual difference between my gluten free version and the regular version is quite apparent.  I made both versions yesterday to go with our chickpea curry.  I didn't try the regular flatbread, but Murray tried both and reckons in spite of the visual differences they actually taste similar.  And I think it's ok.  Not super delicious, but ok.  

But 1/4 of a cup makes just one small flatbread.  These test cooks are helping me realise how difficult this week is actually going to be.  These flatbreads with hummus and rice are going to be my version of taking sandwiches to work that week.  It's not a lot.  If I have enough leftovers from my planned dinners I will take some of those too.  But looking at the number of lentils in the bag and the 105 grams of vegetarian mince I have (what I've replaced the sardines with) I don't think there will be much.  But knowledge is power, and I feel these test cooks are helping arm me with skills for the challenge ahead in June. 

In this instance, the kids did not like the challenge food at all.  Etta deigned to put a teeny sliver in her mouth and chewed and spat it out, and Abby wouldn't even put it in her mouth.  Oh well.  I can't win them all.

 A breakfast bowl of flatbread.  Small, but reasonably delicious.

On Mothers Day and Kindness

So it is Mothers Day today.

And I am a horrible, cynical person who works in retail - so it's hard for me not to see it as much more than a marketing ploy.  Nevertheless, I do think it is nice that we have one day a year to recognise all that our mothers do for us and all that the mothers in our communities do for their families.  And for those of us who are Mums ourselves, it is nice to have a day where we might just feel appreciated for all that we do.

When you work in a department store
it's hard not to be cynical       

(and yet still I bought Mums present here...)

It is difficult not to fall into the trap of buying gifts for Mothers Day.  As a beneficiary with longterm illness, my Mum doesn't have a lot, so I do feel like Mothers Day is an opportunity to get her nice, useful things.  But many Mum's are not in the same position as mine.  I am one of those Mums.  So every time my lovely partner says 'what do you want for Mothers Day?' I am kinda stumped.  I know the kids will make me a card, and that'll be lovely.  But there are no present type things I really need.  I do need undies, but I suspect I will be better at picking comfortable ones (and for me, comfy undies  are a MUST HAVE) than either Murray or the kids, so I'd rather just get them myself.

And while what I'd really like for Mothers Day is a lie in, time to myself, big cuddles and a lovely meal I haven't cooked myself, like many mothers who work retail, I will be working today.  Consequently, doing all of those things today is just not possible.  And Murray usually cooks on Sundays anyway, so a nice meal I didn't cook is just a regular Sunday dinner.  So after thinking about it over the last few days I realised what I really wanted for Mothers Day was to show kindness to mothers and children who have greater need than me.

A big part of why I am doing the Ration Challenge is that I want my kids to see the impact kindness can have on others lives.  When I did the Circle Of Security parenting course one of the questions they asked at the outset was to list three qualities you most want for your children.  At the top of my list was kindness.  There is no such thing as a perfect parent and I am certainly not an all-rounder at this parenting bizzo*.  But the one thing I will work desperately to instill in my kids, is the importance of being kind.

Because I truly believe that through showing kindness and compassion for all people, we can make this world a better place.  So I try to exercise this every day.  It is in the little things - thinking before we speak, apologising when we say something wrong or hurtful unintentionally, learning from our mistakes - and just lending a hand when we can.  With my kids it's about listening to them, working on solutions to problems together and noticing when they need a little boost or a lot of cuddles.  And I am not perfect at this either.  But I work hard to be better at it.  And while there are many folk in need of a tonne of kindness right here in our neighbourhood**, I do think it is important to look at the bigger picture to really put things in perspective.

Currently we are witnessing the highest amount of displaced people worldwide on record.  Etta knows what war is.  I think it was the ANZAC Ted book she got last Christmas that prompted this discussion.  She is a curious kid and we have tried our best to answer her questions honestly and in an age appropriate way.  Having a context in which to explain what being a refugee means helps her to better understand the long term effects of war.  This also helps her to recognise her own privilege, and gives her more tools to live a compassionate life.  And Abby is little, but even so she will be absorbing more of this than we think.

The kids hitting the 'donation' button with Dad.
Who doesn't love pressing buttons?

Were the kids keen on giving Mum some seemingly intangible thing rather than something they chose themselves?  No, they were not.  Regardless of their lack of understanding, it gives them an idea of just how much we value helping others.  And through doing the prep work for the challenge and the discussions that consequently come up in our home, we reaffirm to them just how important we feel it is to work hard to help others.

I cannot comprehend what it would be like to be a mother during a state of war.  I cannot really comprehend war.  I don't know how I would cope with the loss of independence that comes with losing ones home, family and country, nor how I would swallow my pride to accept support from strangers.  But I do know that as parents we adapt to the unexpected situations that face us, because we have little choice but to do so.

There are many, many refugee mothers and children in this world, especially in Jordan where many Syrian refugees have sought asylum.  This breaks my heart.  And while I know I cannot singlehandedly stop a war and rebuild a nation, I believe that collectively we have the power to improve the lives of those affected by the displacement of war.  And as a mother, I empathise with the struggles of other Mothers, whether I fully comprehend them or not.  It doesn't matter if it's a Mum from Kindy, a Mum in my family or a Mum on the other side of the world.  The truth is the end goal for us is largely the same - trying to do what is best for our families***.

A Syrian family in Zataari Camp receiving their ration pack.

I have chosen to put my empathy into action via The Ration Challenge which is running in New Zealand for the first year this year.  This is a fundraiser, and awareness campaign for those living in the Zataari Camp in Jordan, where, for one week, participants eat the same rations as a Syrian refugee.  Funds are used to provide desperately needed things like food, sanitary items, medicine and education.  Of course, there are other ways you can help refugee families closer to home through non-monetary means.  You can volunteer to help refugee families settle into New Zealand life, or donate household goods to help these families get started.

I know this post has become exactly what I cynically said Mothers Day was all about - marketing.  And of COURSE I'd love for more people to sponsor me for the Ration Challenge**** or to take up the charge and get on board themselves.

But the real purpose for this post is promoting kindness.  I feel so grateful to live a life that is just teeming with kind, amazing and supportive Mums.  And I feel so grateful for my Mum, who is one of the kindest people I know.  Having all these wonderful Mothers around has made my transition to motherhood a lot less scary.  I'd love to see more of us extending that kindness to Mothers outside of our Kindy, our families and our Facebook groups, because not everyone is as lucky as I, and maybe you, are.  Sometimes all that kindness requires, is a warm 'I get it' smile at a stranger when their kid is melting down at the playground.

Collectively, we are wiser and stronger, and kindness forges that connection.

Happy Mothers Day.

My lovely Mothers Day card from Etta
made with help from her lovely Kindy teachers.

And just FYI, I do not give her thousands of toys.

* Having anxiety does make some aspects of parenting tough.  And I am not great at messy play, rough-housing or silly play with the kids.  Luckily, I have a Murray (my partner) who is GREAT at being silly and rough-housing with the kids, and a Mum who is great at messy play.  I figure having a super team of grown ups that are good at different things makes things better for everyone.

** The at home charity we regularly support is Kidscan as child poverty has a massive affect on us both here in NZ, and directly in our local community (Etta's school is one which receives support from Kidscan)

*** And of course, we are a part of that family - self care is as important as the care of any other family member.  Be kinder to yourselves Mummies!  Treat yourself with the same care, love and respect you give to others.

**** If you can't see my hyperlinks for any reason, and you do want to sponsor me - just go to https://my.rationchallenge.org.nz/hannah-may

Also, ignore the recommended donations if they look too crazy - they are quite high!  Every little bit counts - just $5 will feed a family at the Zaatari camp for one day, which still makes a huge difference.

OR to be kind to a total stranger just click on the 'sponsor someone' link on the Ration Challenge hub, search a random first name and sponsor whoever shows the lowest fundraised amount.  It all goes to the same place in the end!

Prep for the Ration Challenge: My Ration Pack arrived!

So I knew how much food I had to eat before I decided to do this challenge.  But when it actually arrived in its tiny box, I was still a bit shocked - there is just so little of it!  Even though I'd seen in in photo-form, I assumed that the amount of lentils and chickpeas would be more than sufficient.  But when I saw them in person, when I took them out of that tiny box and laid out on my table at home, I realised how misguided that idea was.

Not pictured here: 400g of tofu (as opted out of included sardines)

Once I added in the extra's I've 'earned' as rewards for reaching certain sponsorship levels, it looks a little better.  And if I imagine the vouchers as actual food quantities, that seems a little better again.

including the rewards - unlimited cumin, 1/4 cup brown sugar and 210 mls of milk

To be honest, seeing this makes me feel a little more nervous about participating in this challenge.  I love to cook and our dinners usually comprise of complex spice blends, rainbows of vegetables and assorted condiments.  This food is not only a smaller quantity than I envisaged, but seeing it actually there I realise just how simple it is.
 

There are no fruit or vegetables here - not a single green thing.  This is a huge reminder of how lucky we are here in New Zealand.  If I walk outside I can gather a nutritious and flavourful wild greens salad of nasturtium, puha and dandelion greens - and that's not including the herbs and greens in our actual garden.  Zaatari Camp is in desert - there is no green space, only dust and rocks.  A community park is in the plans for the camp, but has been put on hold due to lack of funds.  Imagine the difference green space could make to people living in a place like this!  But when they have so little to eat, and an ever increasing community, it is easy to understand why this is not top priority.

A comparison of the ground at Zaatari Camp and my front lawn.

It also reminds me of the privilege of choice.  As a former vegetarian, my regular diet is high in vegetables.  Our pantry is stocked with at least four different types of rice and at least three other gluten free grains.  We have six different oils for cooking and medicinal use.  Whilst I do exist on a restricted diet to manage my health issues* (low FODMAPS, and no red meat) I manage to not feel resentful about it by diversifying and getting creative in the kitchen.  Doing this challenge reminds me of how lucky I am to not only have access to such a large assortment of foods, but the facilities and skills to use them to create delicious meals.

So this is going to be a very tough week!  At this point, I am feeling so grateful to have many wonderful donors behind me already.  Even though the actual challenge is a while away still, I am a wee bit of an obsessive planner.  Knowing before going in to the challenge that I get a few extra ingredients really helps me feel like I will be ok.  The addition of milk and sugar spread over a week ups my daily caloric intake by 140 kilojoules - which may make all the difference to me actually completing this challenge.

It is difficult to really understand living on such a limited diet indefinitely.  I am anxious about one week of it - would I, from my position of privilege be able to survive on it for a year?  Three years?  I don't know if I could.  I hope, that with the support of the broader community over time things can become easier for the families living at the Zaatari Camp.

*          *          *           *          *          *           *          *          *           *          *          *     

So on that note, today's recipe is all about getting something small and sweet into each day.  I invented this recipe using what I have available to me for the challenge.  And while my kids will eat them, I don't think they taste amazing.  They are a little hard, and the mix separates during mixing.  I am going to try with a different GF mix, because I think that's the main issue.  So I reckon if you want to give these a go, use regular flour (if you can) but these are probably best to make only if you are participating in the ration challenge yourself.  And you can if you want!  You have until the end of May to sign up, and you can use all and any of my recipes you like.

Basic caramel cookies

1/4 cup brown sugar (the entire sugar allotment)

1/2 Tbsp vegetable oil

2 Tbsp milk

1/4 cup and 1 - 2 Tbsp gluten free flour mix.

• Add brown sugar, oil and milk to a small saucepan on a medium high heat.
• Cook until bubbling and starting to thicken - take off the heat when the smell starts to change and the mixture begins to deepen in colour.
• Add flour and mix to form a soft dough.
• Roll and break of tea-spoon fulls and flatten into soft rounds.  Put onto a baking tray (I use baking paper as just means zero sticking issues.
• Bake at 180 degrees Celsius for about 10 minutes or until starting to turn golden brown.

Makes about 14 tiny cookies (or two little blasts of sugary joy per day) 

  Even passed the Etta test!  She ate two.

* Adenomyosis, Endometriosis and IBS (which all often occur in conjunction with each other - I'm not just extremely unlucky).

Preparing for the Ration Challenge (1)

So I've decided to write regular posts in the lead up to The Ration Challenge.  Not only to raise awareness around what I'm doing and why, but also to share recipe ideas for the challenge itself.

So I thought to start with, I'd talk a little about my limited experiences with refugees.

The fact is, I've probably met a lot of folk from refugee backgrounds.  I know that one of my GP's fled the war in Iran with her family, for example.  But we've never really talked about it - it's not exactly something you just ask someone unless you know them very well.  So the only time I've openly spoken to someone of their experience as a refugee was at a wedding.

Some work by the iconic Misery (AKA Tanja Thompson)

Some years ago (12ish?) I went to an exhibition by Misery held somewhere on K Road.  I was headed there after going to some other thing, and by the time I arrived the friends I was meeting there were fairly hammered.  One had befriended this tall, friendly guy who spoke very little English.  His name was Bilal.  For a few hours, they were best friends, but as the alcohol wore off, Bilal was set adrift, so another (sober) friend and I took him under our wing.  My friend discovered she lived close to him, so dropped him home after, and then they became friends for real.

Bilal had come to New Zealand to learn English and experience life in a different (non-Muslim) culture.  He came from an affluent family in Jordan and was a qualified pilot. While his English wasn't great, he was a very social guy and worked in a pizza place on K Road.  He'd ended up at the exhibition purely because he'd heard people having a good time and wanted to see what it was all about.  Even though at times he thought us Kiwi's crazy, he welcomed us into his life, and his home - which put us in contact with the Somalian family he was staying with.

Hospitality is one of the main tenets of the Muslim faith.  Consequently, we were welcomed with warm smiles and sweet, milky tea.  So welcomed that we were invited to the niece of Bilal's host families wedding.  We were even given roles - as photographers (after they discovered we weren't so hot at doing bridal makeup), and traveled in a limousine* with the bridal party to the wedding.

For this particular community, men and women have separate celebrations - the legalities are performed between the brides father and the groom.  So the women have an epic hoolie with singing and dancing and drumming, while the men have a formal dinner somewhere up the road.  Because there are no men there, it is an opportunity for the women to let loose and really enjoy themselves, in their brightest sequinned flowing outfits.

A Somalian wedding dance - very similar to one performed at the wedding we went to.

It was during these celebrations that I met a woman missing two fingers.  Her name eludes me after all these years, but she was the most open and warmest women at the celebration.  She welcomed us white strangers in our drab garb and helped us understand what to do during the drumming, singing and dancing and answered all our questions.  She had divorced her husband because he abused her, and consequently, had her fingers chopped off.  Shortly after that, she fled her home with her kids and ended up here.  She didn't talk much about her journey here - just about how grateful she was to have her freedom, and about life as a modern, divorced Muslim woman in the New Zealand Somalian community.

I had seen people missing fingers.  But only men, and only due to war (my Great Grandfather) or industrial machinery accidents.  I had never met a woman who'd had her fingers brutally separated from her.  For trying to do her best for herself and her children.  I mean, I knew this stuff happened, but I never saw it, so the idea of it was more like watching a movie - distanced from reality.  Like anti-Semitism being an actual thing.  And Donald Trump.  Even though these issues are very real and very dangerous, in all honesty they feel distanced from my day to day life.

People scouring the debris of buildings after a strike by Syrian Government forces

And while this woman was from Somalia, and not from Syria - her story is not unlike theirs.  They have had to flee their home to survive, and for their families to survive.  And the largest camp holding them, is in the home country of the person who connected me to my first refugee story.  Bilal told me that if I went to Jordan I could stay at anyone's home - even a strangers -  for three nights because this was just the sort of hospitality expected in Jordan.  I am grateful to see them extending a similar hospitality to the refugees who have made it across the border.  And I'd love to offer my humbler hospitality to those in the camps there, so distanced from my life by doing a small thing to help provide food and education and the possibility of better things for them.  And I also hope that through doing this challenge, and understanding one aspect of refugee life, it helps me feel a little less distant.

*               *                *               *                 *               *                 *                *               

Now, I promised recipes...

I decided to start with something simple that uses the ingredient which will make up the majority of my diet over those seven days: rice.  And I decided to make a snack that is part of my usual diet on a regular basis: rice crackers.  I have never made rice crackers before.  In fact, I'd never even considered that you can make rice crackers before.  But I know I will want both something to snack on for this challenge, and something that is a normal part of my diet.  Because those things are both comforting.

So I found this recipe online and thought I'd give it a go.

Rice crackers - half plain, half parsley - an ingredient I am considering for one of my bonuses

I have substituted ingredients out for things I will have in the challenge.  So instead of coconut oil, I used canola oil.  And I didn't add any salt.  Sounds bland?  A little.  Nonetheless - they are crunchy, and I can pretend they are chips.  And they have the kids tick of approval - which is not easy to get!  Abby demolished her first two, then tried to sneak some more!  And Etta swallowed a small bite without too much complaint, which is high praise from her.  Abby said 'I like the green crackers best' so it's an easy way to get fresh greens into a kid too!   Murray was also a fan.  His feedback was: 'They are crunchy good and yum.'

So not only have I found something I can make for the Ration Challenge, but I've found something I can make for everyday snacks.  It's not too labour intensive, the kids can help make them, and is definitely healthier for the kids than the supermarket rice crackers.  They are cheap, and provide a lot of scope for flavour options outside of the Ration Challenge.  Murray has already said I will have to make an extra batch for the kids when I'm doing the challenge so that they don't nick mine as my limited resources will be precious!

Abby endorsing these home-made rice crackers (looks like a grimace, but that's her smile)

If you'd like to sponsor me for the Ration Challenge, just click here (ignore the recommended donation levels, give what you can).  If you'd like to participate in the Ration Challenge yourself, click here.  If you'd like more information of how you can help refugee communities here in NZ in non-monetary ways, click here.  And if you'd like to keep an eye out for more recipe posts from me, just watch this space!


* It is the only time I've ever been in a limousine