Failure is an awful feeling.
Especially when it's a choice.
Because I did have a choice. I could have held on and mucked through. But the truth is that aside from the challenge last week was unpredictably tough.
A new recipe I made for the challenge -
Scottish oatcakes. Quite tasty! And cheap!
First off, the challenge was tougher than I thought it would be! While it was different from the Ration Challenge in that I didn't feel that hard, aching hunger (I did make it halfway through the challenge), I did feel hungry at times. I was much more anxious than usual as I knew how reliant I was on prep, and had to remember to bring the food I'd prepped with me to work. My time felt much more precious. And I had less of it than I had during last years challenge. Even though I had more 'choice' in food than last time, it was still tough to eat the same thing for days in a row. And even though those things were things I'd chosen that I like, the lack of variety was tough.
And then I got the headaches. On the second day of the challenge I felt super wiped out and had a massive headache. After school drop off, on the only day I have home alone, when I'm usually cleaning or writing, I went to bed to read and passed out for three hours. The next day felt much the same, and not helped by a 5am start (Abby likes to wake up around then). While I was hoping to have some time to rest and do food prep, after grocery shopping I had to pick Abby up from Kindy as she had a reaction to her immunisations which put everything - food, rest and work, into a spin.
When I saw my Mum before heading into work she told me the headaches were probably caffeine
withdrawal. It seemed weird as I only have one coffee most mornings, and never had this when I did The Ration Challenge. But the timing made sense. I popped some paracetamol and headed into work. Work was insane. I'd forgotten we had a nursery sale on, which is always the busiest sale of all. I worked extra hours to help out. I was so busy, the headaches became some low background haze.
When I arrived home on Friday, I learned a dear friend had passed away on Thursday night. It was expected, but still, grief hit me like a tidal wave. And I had no food prepped. After that, I just didn't have the resolve to continue. All my resolve just left my body.
Had I been in the position of someone actually living below the line, I could not have done the things I did next. I could not have afforded the petrol, or bus-fare to head North to say goodbye.
Even though I didn't finish the challenge, my circumstances really hit home to me how hard it would be to be in a less privileged position.
Had I been in the position of someone living below the line, there would be no way I could have gone to say goodbye. We had to pay for the petrol to drive up to her Marae. We had to find easy ways to feed the kids. I needed to give her whanau a koha to help with the tangi. She was loved by so many, it is no small thing. And we are fortunate in that we can do that. Not everyone can. Even when they love someone with all their heart, not everyone has the option to drop everything to farewell their loved ones.
This privilege was reiterated when on driving home I got another headache. This one put holes and rainbows through the left side of my vision. This has happened to me before, and it was due to a severe sinus infection. I then realised my earlier headaches probably weren't caffeine withdrawal*, but the beginning of this infection. We drove straight from Northland to our local White Cross so I could get a check up and some meds. Two more things that may not have been possible had I not been in the position to afford the emergency Drs fee, or the medication.
I do not regret opting out. I needed to farewell my friend but I am so, so grateful that I am in the position that I could.
I know there is more to say, but right now I feel tired, hurt and raw. So I will revisit this in the future. In the meantime, I will take nothing for granted.
* Just in case, I've quit coffee anyway. It had just become a habit after I had kids. I never used to drink it. To my knowledge, I've never experienced withdrawal symptoms from anything. After hearing how bad they are, I have no desire to.
Especially when it's a choice.
Because I did have a choice. I could have held on and mucked through. But the truth is that aside from the challenge last week was unpredictably tough.
A new recipe I made for the challenge -
Scottish oatcakes. Quite tasty! And cheap!
And then I got the headaches. On the second day of the challenge I felt super wiped out and had a massive headache. After school drop off, on the only day I have home alone, when I'm usually cleaning or writing, I went to bed to read and passed out for three hours. The next day felt much the same, and not helped by a 5am start (Abby likes to wake up around then). While I was hoping to have some time to rest and do food prep, after grocery shopping I had to pick Abby up from Kindy as she had a reaction to her immunisations which put everything - food, rest and work, into a spin.
My usual morning coffee
When I saw my Mum before heading into work she told me the headaches were probably caffeine withdrawal. It seemed weird as I only have one coffee most mornings, and never had this when I did The Ration Challenge. But the timing made sense. I popped some paracetamol and headed into work. Work was insane. I'd forgotten we had a nursery sale on, which is always the busiest sale of all. I worked extra hours to help out. I was so busy, the headaches became some low background haze.
When I arrived home on Friday, I learned a dear friend had passed away on Thursday night. It was expected, but still, grief hit me like a tidal wave. And I had no food prepped. After that, I just didn't have the resolve to continue. All my resolve just left my body.
Had I been in the position of someone actually living below the line, I could not have done the things I did next. I could not have afforded the petrol, or bus-fare to head North to say goodbye.
Even though I didn't finish the challenge, my circumstances really hit home to me how hard it would be to be in a less privileged position.
Had I been in the position of someone living below the line, there would be no way I could have gone to say goodbye. We had to pay for the petrol to drive up to her Marae. We had to find easy ways to feed the kids. I needed to give her whanau a koha to help with the tangi. She was loved by so many, it is no small thing. And we are fortunate in that we can do that. Not everyone can. Even when they love someone with all their heart, not everyone has the option to drop everything to farewell their loved ones.
This privilege was reiterated when on driving home I got another headache. This one put holes and rainbows through the left side of my vision. This has happened to me before, and it was due to a severe sinus infection. I then realised my earlier headaches probably weren't caffeine withdrawal*, but the beginning of this infection. We drove straight from Northland to our local White Cross so I could get a check up and some meds. Two more things that may not have been possible had I not been in the position to afford the emergency Drs fee, or the medication.
I do not regret opting out. I needed to farewell my friend but I am so, so grateful that I am in the position that I could.
I know there is more to say, but right now I feel tired, hurt and raw. So I will revisit this in the future. In the meantime, I will take nothing for granted.
* Just in case, I've quit coffee anyway. It had just become a habit after I had kids. I never used to drink it. To my knowledge, I've never experienced withdrawal symptoms from anything. After hearing how bad they are, I have no desire to.
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