I go on holiday alone once a year. I have done for the last three years.
My hotel room door from this years trip.
I didn't think this was a particularly revolutionary act. But after my most recent alone-time holiday I was reminded how odd this idea seems to many people. Most Mums I spoke to about it reacted with surprise or envy*. And while I guess I only know one other person who does this, so I know it isn't that common, I still find the reaction really sad. Sad for us as Mums. Sad for our whole society. Sad that the world we live in doesn't think that it's normal for us to want or need a break. That as women, taking time out from our family for ourselves is still a somewhat shocking idea.
And it's sad because of the double standard. Because I know that no-one bats an eye when men do it. The amount of Mums I know who have partners that travel for work, or go away for weekends with their mates far exceed the number of Mums I know who do the same. I've heard this straight out of the mouth of a young, privileged white male. This person had just taken time out from his family to travel for work for several days - he was away from his family when I saw him - and he berated a mutual friend who regularly travels for work away from her home and family. He expected me to agree with him. I don't know how he could possibly have got that more wrong. This double standard around the roles of Mums and Dads is still so prevalent. It's just sad.
I decided to take this time for myself after I got jealous of Murray. He had been to Queenstown for a couple of nights for a work conference and was also going to Wellington for two nights for a Blood Bowl tournament. I had no objection to him going away for work or enjoyment. It was hardly going to impact on our family for those short periods. But the idea of spending even just 35 minutes on a plane without children sparked so much joy. It had to become a reality.
And I realised there was no reason why it couldn't. Not so I could work or to play Blood Bowl, but to do my own thing. At that point in time I was working on my Suburban Birds project. Working on projects helps me feel like a functional human. But with kids and sleep deprivation in the picture, maintaining a regular art and/or writing practice was (and still is) difficult. Having some space away from the family would help.
But more importantly, I was sleep deprived. I was touched out. I was sick to death of not being able to so much as take a piss by myself. When I wasn't at home with the kids I was at work. Or with friends or family. Or with Murray. I never had any quality time to myself, and not having it was impacting on my mental health. So I decided I would go on a holiday too.
The first year I planned well in advance so I could save up to afford it. I decided to go to Wellington because Murray's going to Wellington was what sparked my jealousy. I love Wellington, and I hadn't been down there since I fell pregnant with Etta. I researched flights and accommodation and booked a teeny self-contained motel room in Kilbirnie for less than $80 per night. I waited until Air NZ had a sale then booked flights for under $100 return. I was set.
The finished Suburban Birds Zine
And while the plan was to take the laptop down and work on drawing and writing for Suburban Birds, the bigger picture was simply to spend time doing the things I enjoyed doing before I had kids. So I went out for breakfast. I went to galleries and museums. I read books. I watched a crappy comedy at the cinemas. I caught up with friends and played board games at Counter Culture. I drank more than two glasses of wine without feeling guilty about it. It was amazing.
And when I got home, like when Murray got home from being away, the kids were ok. That first year I had genuine concerns. The first time I went away, Abby was still breastfeeding** and I had been worried she wouldn't cope without me (or my milk***). I phoned home more than I needed to. But Abby coped, and Etta did too. Besides being a bit clingy for a few days, the kids were completely fine and I was in a far better mental state than I was in before those few days away.
So I did the same thing the next year. And again this year.
This year has been tough for me. There's been difficult family stuff. I've had friends pass away. I've coped by working more than I probably should which impacted on my mental health. This year I needed this holiday more then ever, but didn't really have the headspace to plan it. So I rethought things. I simplified. And I realised I didn't need to travel that far to get the space I need. So this year I took a holiday in Auckland.
And I funded much of it using vouchers from surveys.
After making $120 doing online surveys**** in December last year, I realised how much that could contribute to other areas of our regular lives without impacting on our budget. After I booked my accommodation I started booking Groupons from my 'free' Paypal money close to where I was staying on holiday. I funded movie passes and Subway vouchers from my survey vouchers. Not only was this cost effective, but the planning aspect of the holiday was so fun it really gave me something to visualise and look forward to.
A robin I saw on Tiri. So cute!
Holidaying close to home was truly brilliant. There are so many things I used to do locally that I just don't do now I have kids. There were things I'd forgotten I could do. I discovered a world of possibilities that are literally on my doorstep. I went to a friends 40th where I knew (almost) no-one and had a wonderful time meeting new people. I took a day trip to Tiritiri Matangi - a place I've never been before - and it was just magical. I went to bed at 9pm and actually slept. Having time and space to just do things that I wanted to do helped me discover things that I think my family might also like to do.
I acknowledge that my ability to take three days out from my family each year speaks of a level of privilege. I am able to go away because I have a supportive partner, other family support available and the ability to finance small trips. But the point of writing this isn't about showing off. I'm writing because I believe that taking time out is so important, especially for those of us who've taken on the never ending responsibility of parenthood.
And because I believe something like this is possible for most of us. Maybe not so many days away. But if it's possible to have just one night away. If you can trust your partner, or your parents or your friends to mind the kid(s) for just one night. If you can afford $40 for an Air BNB close to home for one night. Just imagine the possibilities! You can sleep, or watch tv uninterrupted, or read a book, or have some 'special' time with yourself. You don't have to spend a lot to have a little time and a lot of freedom to yourself. The important thing is - you do you without worrying about anyone else.
Because you deserve it! Us Mum's, we all deserve it. If you don't think twice about your partner or your father taking time out to go out with mates, don't think twice about you going out with mates. Or if you're more inclined, by yourself. If you put the effort into ensuring your kids have their needs met, make sure you put the effort into having your needs met too. If going away overnight is too hard that's ok. Maybe it's just about taking an our or two once a week to go for a walk, or go swimming, or go to a movie. The main thing is allowing yourself some time or space where you can do something you enjoy with no pressure. You are entitled to have time doing what you enjoy in a way that works for you. You are allowed to carve out space where you are not responsible for everything.
Everyone deserves this. Your family deserves this.
* In a good way
** I breastfed Abby until she was over three. It was never intentional. I always wanted to breastfeed until she was two but just assumed she'd self-wean at some point (as Etta had at 17 months). The first time I went away she was over two and I was so tired of breast-feeding and so touched out it was a well needed break.
*** I could never pump. My body produced excess lipase which meant my milk went off within a few hours so it just wasn't an option for me. Plus I was kinda hoping that she would just 'forget' about the 'Mummy milk' while I was gone or my supply would dry up while I was away. Neither of those things happened. I fed her until she was three and we could negotiate cutting off the supply in a way that worked for both of us...
**** I use about four different platforms regularly to achieve this - Valued opinions, Opinionworld, NZ Toluna and Perceptive. If you have spare internet and a little time on your hands it's a great way to get vouchers for retailers you regularly use, or to put money into Paypal. I truthfully make about $800 a year from surveys (which is also not taxable, as it's also not cash).
My hotel room door from this years trip.
And it's sad because of the double standard. Because I know that no-one bats an eye when men do it. The amount of Mums I know who have partners that travel for work, or go away for weekends with their mates far exceed the number of Mums I know who do the same. I've heard this straight out of the mouth of a young, privileged white male. This person had just taken time out from his family to travel for work for several days - he was away from his family when I saw him - and he berated a mutual friend who regularly travels for work away from her home and family. He expected me to agree with him. I don't know how he could possibly have got that more wrong. This double standard around the roles of Mums and Dads is still so prevalent. It's just sad.
When I was last catching planes before
I took time out for myself....
I took time out for myself....
I decided to take this time for myself after I got jealous of Murray. He had been to Queenstown for a couple of nights for a work conference and was also going to Wellington for two nights for a Blood Bowl tournament. I had no objection to him going away for work or enjoyment. It was hardly going to impact on our family for those short periods. But the idea of spending even just 35 minutes on a plane without children sparked so much joy. It had to become a reality.And I realised there was no reason why it couldn't. Not so I could work or to play Blood Bowl, but to do my own thing. At that point in time I was working on my Suburban Birds project. Working on projects helps me feel like a functional human. But with kids and sleep deprivation in the picture, maintaining a regular art and/or writing practice was (and still is) difficult. Having some space away from the family would help.
But more importantly, I was sleep deprived. I was touched out. I was sick to death of not being able to so much as take a piss by myself. When I wasn't at home with the kids I was at work. Or with friends or family. Or with Murray. I never had any quality time to myself, and not having it was impacting on my mental health. So I decided I would go on a holiday too.
The first year I planned well in advance so I could save up to afford it. I decided to go to Wellington because Murray's going to Wellington was what sparked my jealousy. I love Wellington, and I hadn't been down there since I fell pregnant with Etta. I researched flights and accommodation and booked a teeny self-contained motel room in Kilbirnie for less than $80 per night. I waited until Air NZ had a sale then booked flights for under $100 return. I was set.
The finished Suburban Birds Zine
And when I got home, like when Murray got home from being away, the kids were ok. That first year I had genuine concerns. The first time I went away, Abby was still breastfeeding** and I had been worried she wouldn't cope without me (or my milk***). I phoned home more than I needed to. But Abby coped, and Etta did too. Besides being a bit clingy for a few days, the kids were completely fine and I was in a far better mental state than I was in before those few days away.
So I did the same thing the next year. And again this year.
This year has been tough for me. There's been difficult family stuff. I've had friends pass away. I've coped by working more than I probably should which impacted on my mental health. This year I needed this holiday more then ever, but didn't really have the headspace to plan it. So I rethought things. I simplified. And I realised I didn't need to travel that far to get the space I need. So this year I took a holiday in Auckland.
And I funded much of it using vouchers from surveys.
I saved up my Paypal survey rewards for a holiday facial and massage
After making $120 doing online surveys**** in December last year, I realised how much that could contribute to other areas of our regular lives without impacting on our budget. After I booked my accommodation I started booking Groupons from my 'free' Paypal money close to where I was staying on holiday. I funded movie passes and Subway vouchers from my survey vouchers. Not only was this cost effective, but the planning aspect of the holiday was so fun it really gave me something to visualise and look forward to.
A robin I saw on Tiri. So cute!
I acknowledge that my ability to take three days out from my family each year speaks of a level of privilege. I am able to go away because I have a supportive partner, other family support available and the ability to finance small trips. But the point of writing this isn't about showing off. I'm writing because I believe that taking time out is so important, especially for those of us who've taken on the never ending responsibility of parenthood.
And because I believe something like this is possible for most of us. Maybe not so many days away. But if it's possible to have just one night away. If you can trust your partner, or your parents or your friends to mind the kid(s) for just one night. If you can afford $40 for an Air BNB close to home for one night. Just imagine the possibilities! You can sleep, or watch tv uninterrupted, or read a book, or have some 'special' time with yourself. You don't have to spend a lot to have a little time and a lot of freedom to yourself. The important thing is - you do you without worrying about anyone else.
Because you deserve it! Us Mum's, we all deserve it. If you don't think twice about your partner or your father taking time out to go out with mates, don't think twice about you going out with mates. Or if you're more inclined, by yourself. If you put the effort into ensuring your kids have their needs met, make sure you put the effort into having your needs met too. If going away overnight is too hard that's ok. Maybe it's just about taking an our or two once a week to go for a walk, or go swimming, or go to a movie. The main thing is allowing yourself some time or space where you can do something you enjoy with no pressure. You are entitled to have time doing what you enjoy in a way that works for you. You are allowed to carve out space where you are not responsible for everything.
Everyone deserves this. Your family deserves this.
* In a good way
** I breastfed Abby until she was over three. It was never intentional. I always wanted to breastfeed until she was two but just assumed she'd self-wean at some point (as Etta had at 17 months). The first time I went away she was over two and I was so tired of breast-feeding and so touched out it was a well needed break.
*** I could never pump. My body produced excess lipase which meant my milk went off within a few hours so it just wasn't an option for me. Plus I was kinda hoping that she would just 'forget' about the 'Mummy milk' while I was gone or my supply would dry up while I was away. Neither of those things happened. I fed her until she was three and we could negotiate cutting off the supply in a way that worked for both of us...
**** I use about four different platforms regularly to achieve this - Valued opinions, Opinionworld, NZ Toluna and Perceptive. If you have spare internet and a little time on your hands it's a great way to get vouchers for retailers you regularly use, or to put money into Paypal. I truthfully make about $800 a year from surveys (which is also not taxable, as it's also not cash).
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