So then we were back to where we had kinda started - with Indigo to have Etta assessed for giftedness.
This was a two part assessment - the first part where Etta was assessed, and the second part going over her assessment results and what they meant.
To be able to take Etta I had to arrange childcare for Abby - which meant (because of available time frames) we had to explain to someone outside of our immediate family why we were doing this. While this made me nervous - because I wasn't totally sure it was necessary - it went ok. Murray's parents had kids that were different too, so his Mum genuinely understood why we wanted the assessment and thought it was logical to want to do it before she started school.
We arrived extremely early because we weren't sure of traffic (we don't commonly head to Glenfield during peak) - then had a very long wait until our appointment with usual specialists-running-over-schedule issues. Not the best way to start an hour long assessment! But Etta enjoyed the one-on-one time with me drawing pictures and reading books. And the psychologist was great so consequently Etta mostly enjoyed the assessment.
It was basically an IQ test for little people which looked at memory, language skills and spacial understanding. And whilst carrying out the assessment the psychologist was looking at indicators of other issues - motor skills, verbalisation, empathy et al. Etta enjoyed the areas of the test she was good at - but got very frustrated attempting the things she struggled with, even refusing to participate in certain activities.
I didn't really need the follow up to get the gist of the results*. Whilst Etta is extremely bright in some areas - memory and language, some of her other skill sets are below average. The gap in skill levels causes her frustration when engaging in new or difficult activities, so she prefers to do things she is good at. So when she feels forced to attempt activities that are harder for her, she melts down.
Whilst this gap in abilities is very normal for gifted kids, the thing which makes things more difficult for Etta are her sensory issues. She struggles most with fine motor skills and spacial awareness - which is unsurprising given that she doesn't like engaging with certain physical sensations. Not wanting to self feed, dress herself or - for a long time - walk**, also meant that she missed out on a lot of practice time that other children have with learning the basics in motor skills. And because - like most people - she seeks praise, she wanted to focus on doing the things she did well.
The recommendations for Etta were very simple: look into seeing an OT to help her manage her sensory issues, and provide learning support so she could direct her frustrations into positive projects to feed her mind and keep her focused.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
I am not proud to say it, but we have not yet sent Etta to an OT. I have ummed and ahhed about it, and we still might. One reason I haven't is that we discussed our concerns/ test results with the head teacher at Etta's Kindy. This is a woman I like and trust who has over 20 years experience working in Kindergartens with many, many children. She was very certain it was not necessary for Etta to see an OT. That it wouldn't cause any harm, but just wasn't necessary The other reason I haven't is that Etta has made progress.*** Which, I think, is in a part, to do with Kindy.
Being outside her comfort zone with starting Kindy pushed Etta to try things she previously wouldn't do. And whilst it was a tricky adjustment for her initially, the child we see now is very different to the child we saw a year ago. This is partly due to age, but a big part of this (I think) is due to feeling confident and secure in a learning environment with peers.
One of the things I really liked about the book I read on gifted children is that it didn't prescribe ways of managing gifted kids. In terms of education the thinking was basically that different kids need different things - Montessori and extension programs will not work for all bright kids - some kids excel in a regular learning environment, surrounded by lots of kids. Because in numbers there will be other kids that are different. So you are not alone in your difference, because there are many kids who are different in many ways. Etta is very secure at her Kindy****, and consequently at this stage we feel confident that sending us to her local school, alongside her peers, is the best move for her going forward.
The other thing that felt a little like kismet, is that the parenting approach recommended for gifted kids is that of 'the good enough parent' - the very premise of the Secure Beginnings parenting course. I felt like I had literally come full circle.
Learning about Etta's sensory issues helped me feel justified in my frustration about the recommended course of action in managing Etta's tantrums at that time. She didn't need me to hug her - but she did need me to be there. In practicing 'being there' for her with an awareness of what that meant, it helped her to feel more secure. Over time, this has meant that she feels so safe with us as parents that sometimes when she's going to tantrum she will allow us to hug her and it does actually help her calm down. So this course has proven extremely valuable to us.
The other thing that has been helpful generally is my awareness of how it feels to be anxious. It breaks my heart seeing my child live with something that, for me, has influenced every aspect of my life. It breaks my heart, but I am grateful that I can use my experience to, hopefully, make her path a little easier than mine. It means we can have very honest conversations about our feelings, which in turn makes it easier to find ways to help manage them - on both sides of the conversation. And it means that Etta has been 'calm breathing' since she was two - which definitely can't hurt!
A few weeks ago Etta desperately needed some 'Mama time', so I organised for Murray's parents to take Abby for a few hours so we could have some time together. Because she loved playing mini golf in Rarotonga we decided to go to the mini-golf place in New Lynn for a special outing. This was a bad call on my part. The moving and talking characters terrified her. We were the only people there, so the operator offered to turn them all off. It took me a while to calm her down, but I persevered. I wanted to give her the opportunity to calm down and experience something I knew she would enjoy. We managed to play about five holes and she was quite happy. Then she saw a troll and it was all over. I carried her screaming and hitting out of the mini-golf course.
This was difficult. Not just because I felt I'd blown $22 on nothing, but because I felt bad for misjudging things. And for blowing the little bit of time we had to spend together that was supposed to be fun. And truthfully, I felt a little irritated by her behavior. But I understood it. Whilst I could have gotten upset about it I redirected our plans to include things that were nice and comfortable for Etta. We played at the playground. We went to the library. (We went to McDonalds...)
And we talked about our feelings. I talked about how I was sorry I had got things wrong, and about how it is hard for me to judge if we need to leave, or if she just needs some time to adjust to a new thing. She talked about the scary troll and how it was scary. But she also told me that she really would like to go back there when she was bigger. When she was seven she would be big enough, she said.
These experiences are where the growth lies - these awkward truthful conversations. These moments of being kicked and punched in public and just sitting with it. In order for Etta to grow and feel confident in negotiating the world, these moments will happen. But how we manage them, and how we view them, is what makes the real difference.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Today Etta used the hand-dryer voluntarily in the bathrooms at Kelly Tarltons. I was not there, this was with Murray and Abby (I have been home ill). Etta has been terrified of hand dryers since birth. But today, she decided to confront her fear. When they came home from Kelly Tarltons it was the first thing she told me - she had the hugest smile on her face. I am so proud of her.
We are making progress.
* I did go to the results assessment part, but that was just an expansion of things that were already apparent from her initial assessment comboed with what I already knew about gifted kids - so I don't think it needs writing about.
** Etta started walking properly when we went to Rarotonga. We are fairly certain that she decided to do this because she didn't like the sensation of the grass and dirt on her knees, but it was ok on her feet (wearing shoes). Etta regularly walked a few steps - religiously - on the big parachute mat at Wriggle and Rhyme. In short, we are fairly certain Etta didn't walk for so long because she didn't like the sensation of walking, so only walked when it felt sensually better than other alternatives.
*** The other reason is that I get very anxious about making phone calls. Honestly. I never know what to say when starting a conversation about something that seems a little flimsy as a premise. And I feel guilty cos a lovely friend recommended we see someone she knew, and she told them we were seeing her, and then I got busy and then I had that Kindy conversation and then I got anxious, and then I forgot. And by the time I remembered again I felt like that window had closed. I am not proud, but this is the truth.
**** I just want to point out that I love Etta's Kindy. I feel like its values line up fairly well with ours, and the culture around accepting different cultures and ideas matches that at home. Because we live in an area that is culturally diverse, this is reflected in the local Kindy and school, which means Etta is already not alone in her differences. Consequently she has friends which in itself helps her feel included and part of her community. Which, speaking from experience as someone who was also a 'different' kid, is a really important thing to feel.
Also, she would never have attempted this climb (pictured) before Kindy. Truly, she has literally grown leaps and bounds there.
This was a two part assessment - the first part where Etta was assessed, and the second part going over her assessment results and what they meant.
To be able to take Etta I had to arrange childcare for Abby - which meant (because of available time frames) we had to explain to someone outside of our immediate family why we were doing this. While this made me nervous - because I wasn't totally sure it was necessary - it went ok. Murray's parents had kids that were different too, so his Mum genuinely understood why we wanted the assessment and thought it was logical to want to do it before she started school.
We arrived extremely early because we weren't sure of traffic (we don't commonly head to Glenfield during peak) - then had a very long wait until our appointment with usual specialists-running-over-schedule issues. Not the best way to start an hour long assessment! But Etta enjoyed the one-on-one time with me drawing pictures and reading books. And the psychologist was great so consequently Etta mostly enjoyed the assessment.
Questions were on flash cards, and looked a little like this
I didn't really need the follow up to get the gist of the results*. Whilst Etta is extremely bright in some areas - memory and language, some of her other skill sets are below average. The gap in skill levels causes her frustration when engaging in new or difficult activities, so she prefers to do things she is good at. So when she feels forced to attempt activities that are harder for her, she melts down.
Whilst this gap in abilities is very normal for gifted kids, the thing which makes things more difficult for Etta are her sensory issues. She struggles most with fine motor skills and spacial awareness - which is unsurprising given that she doesn't like engaging with certain physical sensations. Not wanting to self feed, dress herself or - for a long time - walk**, also meant that she missed out on a lot of practice time that other children have with learning the basics in motor skills. And because - like most people - she seeks praise, she wanted to focus on doing the things she did well.
The recommendations for Etta were very simple: look into seeing an OT to help her manage her sensory issues, and provide learning support so she could direct her frustrations into positive projects to feed her mind and keep her focused.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
I am not proud to say it, but we have not yet sent Etta to an OT. I have ummed and ahhed about it, and we still might. One reason I haven't is that we discussed our concerns/ test results with the head teacher at Etta's Kindy. This is a woman I like and trust who has over 20 years experience working in Kindergartens with many, many children. She was very certain it was not necessary for Etta to see an OT. That it wouldn't cause any harm, but just wasn't necessary The other reason I haven't is that Etta has made progress.*** Which, I think, is in a part, to do with Kindy.Being outside her comfort zone with starting Kindy pushed Etta to try things she previously wouldn't do. And whilst it was a tricky adjustment for her initially, the child we see now is very different to the child we saw a year ago. This is partly due to age, but a big part of this (I think) is due to feeling confident and secure in a learning environment with peers.
One of the things I really liked about the book I read on gifted children is that it didn't prescribe ways of managing gifted kids. In terms of education the thinking was basically that different kids need different things - Montessori and extension programs will not work for all bright kids - some kids excel in a regular learning environment, surrounded by lots of kids. Because in numbers there will be other kids that are different. So you are not alone in your difference, because there are many kids who are different in many ways. Etta is very secure at her Kindy****, and consequently at this stage we feel confident that sending us to her local school, alongside her peers, is the best move for her going forward.
The other thing that felt a little like kismet, is that the parenting approach recommended for gifted kids is that of 'the good enough parent' - the very premise of the Secure Beginnings parenting course. I felt like I had literally come full circle.
Learning about Etta's sensory issues helped me feel justified in my frustration about the recommended course of action in managing Etta's tantrums at that time. She didn't need me to hug her - but she did need me to be there. In practicing 'being there' for her with an awareness of what that meant, it helped her to feel more secure. Over time, this has meant that she feels so safe with us as parents that sometimes when she's going to tantrum she will allow us to hug her and it does actually help her calm down. So this course has proven extremely valuable to us.
The other thing that has been helpful generally is my awareness of how it feels to be anxious. It breaks my heart seeing my child live with something that, for me, has influenced every aspect of my life. It breaks my heart, but I am grateful that I can use my experience to, hopefully, make her path a little easier than mine. It means we can have very honest conversations about our feelings, which in turn makes it easier to find ways to help manage them - on both sides of the conversation. And it means that Etta has been 'calm breathing' since she was two - which definitely can't hurt!
This was difficult. Not just because I felt I'd blown $22 on nothing, but because I felt bad for misjudging things. And for blowing the little bit of time we had to spend together that was supposed to be fun. And truthfully, I felt a little irritated by her behavior. But I understood it. Whilst I could have gotten upset about it I redirected our plans to include things that were nice and comfortable for Etta. We played at the playground. We went to the library. (We went to McDonalds...)And we talked about our feelings. I talked about how I was sorry I had got things wrong, and about how it is hard for me to judge if we need to leave, or if she just needs some time to adjust to a new thing. She talked about the scary troll and how it was scary. But she also told me that she really would like to go back there when she was bigger. When she was seven she would be big enough, she said.
These experiences are where the growth lies - these awkward truthful conversations. These moments of being kicked and punched in public and just sitting with it. In order for Etta to grow and feel confident in negotiating the world, these moments will happen. But how we manage them, and how we view them, is what makes the real difference.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Today Etta used the hand-dryer voluntarily in the bathrooms at Kelly Tarltons. I was not there, this was with Murray and Abby (I have been home ill). Etta has been terrified of hand dryers since birth. But today, she decided to confront her fear. When they came home from Kelly Tarltons it was the first thing she told me - she had the hugest smile on her face. I am so proud of her.
We are making progress.
* I did go to the results assessment part, but that was just an expansion of things that were already apparent from her initial assessment comboed with what I already knew about gifted kids - so I don't think it needs writing about.
** Etta started walking properly when we went to Rarotonga. We are fairly certain that she decided to do this because she didn't like the sensation of the grass and dirt on her knees, but it was ok on her feet (wearing shoes). Etta regularly walked a few steps - religiously - on the big parachute mat at Wriggle and Rhyme. In short, we are fairly certain Etta didn't walk for so long because she didn't like the sensation of walking, so only walked when it felt sensually better than other alternatives.
*** The other reason is that I get very anxious about making phone calls. Honestly. I never know what to say when starting a conversation about something that seems a little flimsy as a premise. And I feel guilty cos a lovely friend recommended we see someone she knew, and she told them we were seeing her, and then I got busy and then I had that Kindy conversation and then I got anxious, and then I forgot. And by the time I remembered again I felt like that window had closed. I am not proud, but this is the truth.
**** I just want to point out that I love Etta's Kindy. I feel like its values line up fairly well with ours, and the culture around accepting different cultures and ideas matches that at home. Because we live in an area that is culturally diverse, this is reflected in the local Kindy and school, which means Etta is already not alone in her differences. Consequently she has friends which in itself helps her feel included and part of her community. Which, speaking from experience as someone who was also a 'different' kid, is a really important thing to feel.
Also, she would never have attempted this climb (pictured) before Kindy. Truly, she has literally grown leaps and bounds there.
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