On Working Out How To Parent Etta Part 1

Etta has always been a bit different.

The difference was not something I could easily put a finger on but a collection of things that just seemed a little off.   If you said any of the things in isolation to another parent or a Dr or Kindy teacher they'd just say 'well, that's normal - some children do that'. 

But there were just so many small things.

 Etta patting Casper at a party

She would tantrum for up to an hour.  During tantrums she was lost: throwing things, screaming, breaking stuff - including things she loved and injuring herself, usually by accident.  The best way to calm her down was to stay with her but not talk or touch - these seemed to exacerbate things.  And this started when she was 11 months old.  She couldn't sleep when her room was untidy.  She had a strong need for routine and created and extended her own making every day events (like bedtime) take increasingly longer periods of time.  She had issues with light/noise/smells and new foods.  When we tried starting her on finger foods she flat our refused, so ate purees well past the ages of the children of our friends.  She didn't start walking until she was almost two years old.

And once I had another child those differences became more apparent.

I have never wanted anything but the best for my kids and knowing how little experience I have in the area of childcare I thought it was highly possible it was just me and my anxiety.  Maybe I was overthinking things.  Maybe she was completely normal.  Maybe I just wasn't getting this parenting thing right.  It was also very likely that Etta was - like me - anxious.  I was very anxious when pregnant with her and anxious pregnancies make for anxious kids.  So I was totally happy to do an intensive parenting course.

The Circle Of Security was recommended to me by my maternity mental health facilitator.  She thought it was a good fit for my style of parenting and our values and she was right on the money.  Over 20 weeks I watched myself, and other parents, on film interacting with our kids.  We did this to  decode the language that our relationships with our children was built upon.  This was not an easy emotional journey - but it was absolutely worthwhile and I highly recommend the course and the ideal of trying to be a 'good enough' parent rather than a perfect one.

However, because of the time frame and simple base of this course (and the fact it was trying to help us retrain our brains so had to be simple) it didn't allow for variances.  And whilst much I learned was very helpful I was left feeling I was still missing something.  And I was frustrated.

The course also didn't take into account other relationships - between us as mothers with other children, or between our child with other adults.  Whilst I understand this was due to a focus on bettering ourselves, it also implicated that we were ultimately responsible for our children, and relegated their fathers/other caregivers to a backseat.  This felt unfair to them, and also heaped more responsibility on us as primary caregivers.  I also felt this was unfeasible with other parental obligations.  On the course they said a child feels heard if they are responded to something like 30% of the time.  But what if there are more than one?  How is a mother of five supposed to easily manage the emotional health of all of her children equally whilst also managing a busy household and her own needs?  How is she supposed to do this alone?

A part of the course taught us that children are like cups that need to be kept full.  We fill their cups by 'being with' them.  Which means providing enough quality time, listening and engaging, to keep them feeling secure.  And whilst this approach works with Abby no problem, when applied to Etta it seemed to make her cup grow bigger, her expectations of 'Mummy time' higher and my capacity to meet her needs just never enough.  And when I raised this with the facilitators I was never given any adequate response as to why this would be.

This led me to wonder if we were missing something more big picture.  With Murray* and his brother having dyspraxia, and a history of ASD through my family I wondered about whether this was the issue.  But it just didn't quite fit.  Whilst Etta has struggled with elements of socialising, her understanding of empathy and kindness made this seem unlikely.

Something was off, but I wasn't sure what it was.

On a sit down review of the course three months on with one of the facilitators I brought this up.  She reassured me Etta was a perfectly normal kid - if anything was off it would have been picked up during their interactions with her.  They were two qualified children's psychologists and both very certain Etta was just a regular kid who just needed more connection with me.

I found this hard, because whilst I accept that I struggle with staying connected with people due to aspects of my childhood (like everyone else on the course) I do remember being a kid.  I can remember the things that were important to me.  I can remember the feelings of being not heard**, of feeling less than and, as a parent, I try to incorporate this into how I talk to our kids.  I felt that I was already doing so much split between two kids, managing my mental health, a partner and work, that doing any more was just not feasible.  I felt like mothering Etta was a Herculean task that I would never quite manage.  I felt like a failure.

Then randomly I found a book.

We were at the library on one of our regular excursions, and as usual it was nigh on impossible to leave the kids section without a double kiddy meltdown.  I had run out of books to read at home, and as reading was part of my usual sleep routine I was desperate.  Luckily, the parenting section is next to the childrens section at our library, so after a quick peruse I picked up a book with a hideous cover and a wordy title:  The Challenges of Gifted Children: Empowering Parents to Maximize their Child's Potential by Barbara Klein.  I was desperate.

That ugly book was the first thing that made any kind of sense to me regarding Etta.  All the behaviours she was exhibiting were there on the pages in front of me in black and white.  Suddenly so many pieces clicked into place.

Murray and I were both bright kids.  In the PATs (like America's SATs) at primary school I always scored in the top 98th or 99th percentile across the board and was extended (especially in language) as far as they thought socially allowable (I was held back a little).  And Murray had been put into a special class with other bright kids where they could learn whatever interested them.  We both sat some School Cert subjects early (math and science) and both got UE in sixth form.  And guess what?  Intelligence is hereditary.

to be continued...

* Murray will want it stated for the record that he wasn't officially diagnosed with this growing up, but his mother and A&E record testify differently.

** Just need to point out these are not digs at my parents.  My parents were generally actually pretty good with this stuff.  This is a dig with society generally not taking kids seriously.  That old adage 'children should be seen and not heard' - total uncompassionate hogwash.  Children are little people.  Their ideas, needs and feelings are just as valid (if not moreso) than those of adults.