On Working Out How To Parent Etta Part 2

And apparently smarts often go hand in hand with other things.  Smart kids will always try to push the boundaries.  Because they're smart they are naturally curious so will question everything.  Often kids that have a lot of skills in one area will struggle with another, and because of anxiety around failing focus on what they're good at.  This will be why some smart kids avoid social situations, or physical activities.  Gifted kids are often developmentally imbalanced.  At the extreme you have kids who are 'twice gifted' - kids who are smart, but have other issues, like ASD or dyspraxia.

After reading all this I felt like a massive weight had been lifted from my shoulders.  Maybe I wasn't just a terrible parent?  Regardless, Etta still needed support.

Einstein didn't talk until he was four.

At this point in time Etta was not quite four.  I know it sounds like I'm being a crazy, overprotective Mum, but hey, I'm anxious and truthfully, her behavior was out there.  Her tantrums dictated whether we could even leave the house.  She once went into a spin about leaving the park and ran out onto the road (I had to leave Abby with a stranger and run)*.  And she wasn't being naughty - she was literally terrified and overwrought by emotions.  Any attempts at direct intervention was wood on the flames so having other people 'attempt' to help only made her tantrums last longer.  With another small child in the house, this was just not a feasible (or fun) way to live long term.

And it was frustrating.  Because not only was it eating into the family's time, but into hers.  This prevented her from being able to do lots of the regular things that kids her age do: zoo trips, visits to friends, actually just playing with her toys.  I could see her childhood slipping away in terrifying tantrums that sapped her energy and stopped her from engaging with the world.

And in just over a year Etta would be starting school.  If she did have additional needs it would be in everyone's best interests - hers especially - if we could get an understanding of these before she started school.  Because big picture - her needs might indicate to us that we need to enrol her in a different school than initially planned.

Murray was keen on taking her to the GP and going from there.  With my vast personal experience with GP's and what our public health system is capable of, I thought this would put us into an unproductive loop.  Like most things, unless someone's behaviors are problematic on a larger scale, they are just written off as 'normal' at this level, and especially at this age.

So I did my own research.  The first place I called was Marinoto - which is the children's mental health unit at Waitakere Hospital.  Having dealt with the hospital for my own health, and being in my locale, I thought it a good start.  Unfortunately, they were unable to help in terms of assessments but at least were very clear about this from the outset.  So then I looked into help through private specialists in the area of gifted children.

While I felt I was jumping the gun in terms of diagnosing her, I didn't feel much like I had a choice.  Her behaviors and attitudes exactly matched those in the book I had just read.  But did I think she was a genuis?  No.  She did start talking very early - around 8 months.  She had a developed sense of humour before she was 18 months old.  And she memorised most of her books and would read them back to us before she was two.  So we did know she was smart.  But genius?

The common theme with info on gifted kids seems to be really boring images

I read up on the net and found Indigo.  Their tagline is 'Assessment and counseling for individuals who connect with the world differently'.  This statement in itself made me feel confident I was headed in the right direction.  Now as someone with social anxiety, making phone calls is not really my strong point.  So after a garbled conversation with the receptionist about crazy behaviors and road safety she told me someone would call me back.  She wasn't sure if they were going to be able to help us either.

Someone did call back though.

They also were not sure if they could be of help.  But they did tell me about someone who might be.  Links is a two bit organisation** that helps link families of kids with behavioral issues with the right support.  It sounded like exactly what we needed.

Now you have to understand that we did all of this outside of public health - this meant it was not exactly cheap.  But Etta needed help (our family needed help), and I didn't know how else to provide it, so as far as I was concerned this was necessary.  I am just saying this to precursor folks going 'OMG!  I need this too!' then finding them and getting freaked about the cost.  It is a little expensive.  But at this point we believed it to be a necessary expense.

So we booked a time.  This was a big deal as they needed to meet both me and Murray to accurately assess us, our home and Etta, so Murray took time off work.  It was a two part operation with one (the child psychologist) spending about an hour with Etta, while the other one interviewed Murray and I about Etta, our relationships, and our main concerns.  This tag-team approach meant they had a fuller picture of what exactly was needed (and seeing kids away from their parents makes it easier to assess the kids).

Truthfully, I did not like the woman who did our side of the assessment.  She seemed to have some kind of God complex and was totally self involved.  But she was apt.  And she was honest.  And while I didn't like her personally, I did think that she did a good job.  Both her and her partner (who was lovely) concurred that Etta was most likely gifted.  They also did not think she had ASD but picked up that she did have sensory issues.

I did not know what sensory issues actually meant.
I did see that Etta had issues with sounds, light and textures - but because society so strongly links this to ASD I hadn't got past that roadblock.  Sensory issues occur when the brain has trouble processing the information it receives from the senses.  Etta's tantrums were her way of managing her brain overloading on information.  This is why any verbal or physical attempt to stop them exacerbated things.  Conversely, this is why her comfort thing was her snuggly.  When feeling scared she could self calm by twisting the wool between her fingers.  She had already learned (without help) how to reassure herself with positive sensation.

If the ugly book was the first lightbulb moment, this was the second.  Etta needed some skills and some compassion, in negotiating her way around what was for her often a very scary world.

Etta bracing herself for more facepaint..
She loves the idea of it, but hates getting it put on.

to be continued (only one more installment I promise - it's just looooong!)

* This was exactly the point at which I decided I needed some help...

**  They don't have a website yet, nor do they know how to professionally format assessments in ways regular people will read them.  But they were very helpful - message me if you need a phone number or email address.