I wanted to write up a little summary on what I've learned through the last few years being Etta's parent. These are just simple things that seem to be working for us.
1) Trust your gut
If something feels off with your kids, follow it up. You are the parent. You are going to notice the behaviors and mannerisms in your kids more than anyone else. Consequently, others may not notice - they don't see your kid every day. Your first trip to the GP will likely result in being told you are an overprotective parent and have nothing to worry about. This may be right. It also may not be. Remember that a GP is exactly that - a general practitioner. They are not specialists. They may have a particular field of interest but it may not be pediatrics or psychology. In fact, it most likely isn't.
If something doesn't feel right - read, talk to other parents - talk to your parents as giftedness, sensory issues and ASD are usually hereditary. Even if we were gifted ourselves - we will not necessarily understand the challenges our parents faced parenting us. They may have some useful insights on what helped them with parenting you. Reach out on social networks. Connect with people and information until something clicks. Then follow that lead. The best help for your child may be a small and simple thing - it may not. But you won't know unless you pursue it.
2) Remember Your Kid Is Not Naughty
Well, I'm sure sometimes they are, but by and large this is not the issue. Behavior is a way kids communicate information to their parents. They are young, so they are still learning how best to do this. Some kids become overwhelmed by feelings and cannot verbalise this so it manifests physically. Some kids are trying to establish boundaries. Some kids are just trying to get your attention.
Bad behavior is just a way your kid can communicate with you. They might be telling you they are too tired, or too hungry, or too scared to do X thing. They might be just baiting you to understand the boundaries around a certain issue. They might just need more quality time with you (this is usually the driver in our household). They are not just being an arsehole for no reason.
Kids don't want to be bad, and they don't want to feel like they are a bad person - no-one does. What they do want is to communicate with their caregivers. For some, bad behaviors may seem like the most effective way to do this. It is our job to be understanding and help them learn other ways of effective communicating.
3) Follow Your Child's Lead
I don't mean let them do whatever they want - that won't help anybody. I mean if they are giving you queues that something is not right for them, follow those queues. This might mean taking a little more time to prepare them for going out. This might mean letting them take their comfort thing to X place. It might even mean it's not a good day to do X activity. Following their lead and giving them time and space to process is going to make things easier for everyone - it could mean the difference between having a lovely outing or physically removing a kicking and screaming kid from a cafe floor.
Sometimes this is not possible. Sometimes you are in the middle of a supermarket and in a hurry and it's just not feasible. Sometimes they are just fixated on getting the thing they want and that thing is not appropriate for them. This is life. The main thing is that when you can, when there's time, acknowledge however they were feeling, explain why you couldn't follow their lead at the time, learn from the incident and move on.
Uhh, not my kid...
4) Don't Sweat The Small Stuff
Being a good parent means developing a thick skin. For me, the hardest part of parenting Etta (besides public tantrums) has been around food. I love food! I have worked with food in a number of jobs and I have some food making skills. I can make amazing vegan and gluten free meals* that grown ups love. But none of this is helpful to Etta. Over time I have realised that the big picture is that Etta is growing healthily and eats enough. She does eat a limited diet but this is because trying new food is genuinely scary for her because of its potential for sensory overload.
Our approach to her eating is like this one and this is what works best for her. At the end of the day the people I am trying to please with feeding Pinterest worthy veggie based meals to my kid exist in my head. And they are not as important as Etta. Because they are not real. Do I feel stressed in social settings where Etta has to eat food? Yes. But so does she. It's not like it's just healthy food she won't eat. She is scared of trying most new things. So usually I will find a few things that I know she will eat, and always bring something I know she will eat, so that she doesn't leave the party feeling left out or hungry.
The important lesson here for me has been in getting over my own ego. I feel like my kid should be eating amazing healthy meals because I like making those meals. I feel like others judge me because I don't. The best thing I can do is remove myself from the equation and look at what is best for Etta. And that is getting enough energy to learn and grow (which she does) and feeling safe to try new foods (which she sometimes does). Forcing her to eat stuff only intensifies her food fears.
At the end of the day, I want Etta to have a healthy relationship with food.
What has helped me is remembering that I was an extremely fussy kid too! I would not eat avocado or mushroom or pumpkin or peas or any mixed together foods (I didn't eat pizza or burgers until I was well into my teens). And that completely changed. The foods Etta eats now do not dictate her adult diet. And if I make food a safe place for her, she can - in her own time - discover new things.
It might not be food that's your private battle - it might be going to Kindy, or bedtime or something else. But if you take your ego out of the equation and put your kid at the front of it, I am certain this battle will become more manageable.
5) Try to Forge A Balance
This is 100% the trickiest thing for me. When do you give them time and space to manage their feelings and when do you push them to try new things? What I try and do is watch her behavior and try and gauge how she's feeling. What kind of day has she had? Is she demonstrating any behaviors that indicate she's tired or upset? How hard is this thing for her to do? If it's a great day then it's the best time to try something new - be it an activity that might feels scary to her, visiting people in a different house, or trying a new food.
The other thing is - again where possible - to follow their lead. Etta is aware of her struggles to do certain things. And with some of those things she has a strong desire to rectify this. Often she will tell me when she is ready to retry an activity that has previously been too hard for her. When she does that, I try my best to promptly follow up so I can give her the learning opportunity she craves and if I can't do it immediately, I will talk to her and solidify a time when we can (she never forgets).
Sometimes external pressures are helpful in pushing for you. Etta was ready to start toilet training the week we brought Abby home. I was really not able to follow her lead on that (colic baby, couldn't put her down, recovering from childbirth...). Consequently, this pushed back her desire to toilet train. Whilst we had tried a bunch of methods at home (rewards, schedules, tandem peeing etc) it wasn't until she started Kindy and saw other kids going to the toilet that her interest was sparked. This external pressure forged the balance Etta needed to want to toilet train.
6) Being Compassionate
I feel extremely grateful to have some understanding of how it feels to be unsure of the world at large - to be scared. My anxiety makes compassion for Etta and her situation simple for me. It isn't always easy to follow up on it though. Sometimes she will get a fright from a noise outside. Because this happens so frequently it can be difficult to address her needs right away (in the middle of washing dishes, peeing, just tired of dealing with regular noise complaints...). In these instances where I am not able to be with her immediately, I still try and acknowledge and manage her feelings when I get there.
Because just having those conversations about what is hard and scary for her - even after the fact - is what's important. We are constantly reinforcing to her that it's ok to be scared. We remind her that everyone is scared of something - Murray is scared of snakes. I don't like driving. Nana is scared of mice. This reminds her that not all fears are rational, but that everyone has them so it's ok for her to have them too. When she hears something scary when she's trying to go to sleep I will first ask her why it's scary and what she thinks it is. Then we talk about what I think it actually is and the the specifics of how it can't hurt her. And then because we've worked through it together she's not afraid anymore. And she goes to sleep.
Even if Etta's fears are irrational, her feelings around those fears are valid. And even though it can be annoying or sometimes seem ridiculous (hand dryers and troll sculptures), it's important to remember that when talking about it.
7) Aim to be 'Good Enough' Me as I am - no filter - an actual human parent
Perfection is not reality - this is an unachievable goal. But being good enough is totally doable. When kids perceive their parents as perfect they feel as though they can never meet their high standards. If they never see us fail, if they never see us cry then how can they know that it's ok to do those things? While we all want what's best for our kids, and we want them to reach their full potential, what they actually need to do that is to see their parents being their imperfect selves.
This can be especially hard for some of us. Giftedness goes hand in hand with perfectionism. And many of those with gifted kids will be gifted themselves. Letting go of that perfectionist aspect is hard - for both ourselves and our kids. We want to present our best selves. We want to be seen as competent and strong at all times. But this is not showing the reality of our situation. And this isn't teaching our kids how to manage the genuine ups and downs of real life.
For me, it means apologising to Etta for being grumpy and explaining that I'm just having a bad day (she also totally understands what 'hangry' means). It means if I forget aspects of 'the routine' I explain that I actually just forgot because I'm tired. It means there is an embarrassingly awful drawing I did of Abby where I make a Muldoon analogy up on her bedroom wall (because whilst it was a failure for me, the kids love it). In seeing me as an emotional, imperfect person, she can see that it's ok to make mistakes - which makes it easier for her to talk to me about her mistakes. This articulation makes it easier for me to process and forgive my own mistakes, so it's better for everyone all round.
8) Get Support
A (hu)man is not an island, and a parent certainly shouldn't be. Remember back in the day how it literally took a village to raise a child? These days, this can feel impossible with many folks extended families spread across the globe. Parenting any child is hard. It is overwhelming and time consuming and exhausting. Parenting a kid with different needs can feel even tougher. We need breaks and time to ourselves. If you have no family, reach out and build a family. It might be making friends with your next door neighbours. It might be joining a baby yoga group or meeting other parents through your local Playgroup. It might just mean reaching out for help within an online community. These are all valid means of building your own village.
If you need more targeted, external support, it is out there. If you have a child under 1 you can get help through Maternal Mental Health. If not, contact your local woman's centre and see what services they have on offer. Call one of the 0800 numbers that offer help with depression. Reach out. Actual, needed support is not always easily accessible in NZ these days, but it could be. There are places that offer respite and childcare for free. There are places that might just cook you some meals to make the daily grind a little easier for a bit. But if you don't look, you won't find it. We cannot do this parenting thing alone.
9) Be Kind
Be kind to yourself. Some days are harder than others and on those days it's important to remember that your kid doesn't care if the washing is still on the line, or if you have made breakfast for dinner (common occurrence in our home as quick and kids will eat it). They need you to be there for them, to enjoy them and to watch over them. Sometimes these feel like insurmountable things. Some days you can't wait for them to be quiet in their beds so you can just feel like yourself for a moment. These feelings are normal. You are not a bad parent. And tomorrow is another day.
Be kind to your family. Remember that none of us are perfect, and that most of us are not trying to be hurtful or spiteful in our actions. Kids with behavioral issues are not bad kids. They are just trying to navigate through big feelings and ideas with limited resources. At the end of the day everyone is seeking the same thing - feeling connected, safe and happy.
These things are all possible, and are made simpler with kindness.
Etta on the same day as her tantrum pictured earlier. She was upset because she needed 'Mama time' (and because she wanted a rock that I wouldn't let her have. She didn't get the rock, but she did get 'Mama time'). This is what happened when I could meet her needs.
* Just need to make clear I am not vegan. I do try to eat low gluten (for help managing my IBS) and don't eat a lot of meat, but I like creating recipes that are delicious and suitable for folk on restricted diets. Also, veges are DELICIOUS.
1) Trust your gut
If something feels off with your kids, follow it up. You are the parent. You are going to notice the behaviors and mannerisms in your kids more than anyone else. Consequently, others may not notice - they don't see your kid every day. Your first trip to the GP will likely result in being told you are an overprotective parent and have nothing to worry about. This may be right. It also may not be. Remember that a GP is exactly that - a general practitioner. They are not specialists. They may have a particular field of interest but it may not be pediatrics or psychology. In fact, it most likely isn't.
If something doesn't feel right - read, talk to other parents - talk to your parents as giftedness, sensory issues and ASD are usually hereditary. Even if we were gifted ourselves - we will not necessarily understand the challenges our parents faced parenting us. They may have some useful insights on what helped them with parenting you. Reach out on social networks. Connect with people and information until something clicks. Then follow that lead. The best help for your child may be a small and simple thing - it may not. But you won't know unless you pursue it.
2) Remember Your Kid Is Not Naughty
Well, I'm sure sometimes they are, but by and large this is not the issue. Behavior is a way kids communicate information to their parents. They are young, so they are still learning how best to do this. Some kids become overwhelmed by feelings and cannot verbalise this so it manifests physically. Some kids are trying to establish boundaries. Some kids are just trying to get your attention.
Bad behavior is just a way your kid can communicate with you. They might be telling you they are too tired, or too hungry, or too scared to do X thing. They might be just baiting you to understand the boundaries around a certain issue. They might just need more quality time with you (this is usually the driver in our household). They are not just being an arsehole for no reason.
Kids don't want to be bad, and they don't want to feel like they are a bad person - no-one does. What they do want is to communicate with their caregivers. For some, bad behaviors may seem like the most effective way to do this. It is our job to be understanding and help them learn other ways of effective communicating.
Etta having a tantrum roadside - we got through it together (eventually)
I don't mean let them do whatever they want - that won't help anybody. I mean if they are giving you queues that something is not right for them, follow those queues. This might mean taking a little more time to prepare them for going out. This might mean letting them take their comfort thing to X place. It might even mean it's not a good day to do X activity. Following their lead and giving them time and space to process is going to make things easier for everyone - it could mean the difference between having a lovely outing or physically removing a kicking and screaming kid from a cafe floor.
Sometimes this is not possible. Sometimes you are in the middle of a supermarket and in a hurry and it's just not feasible. Sometimes they are just fixated on getting the thing they want and that thing is not appropriate for them. This is life. The main thing is that when you can, when there's time, acknowledge however they were feeling, explain why you couldn't follow their lead at the time, learn from the incident and move on.
Uhh, not my kid...
Being a good parent means developing a thick skin. For me, the hardest part of parenting Etta (besides public tantrums) has been around food. I love food! I have worked with food in a number of jobs and I have some food making skills. I can make amazing vegan and gluten free meals* that grown ups love. But none of this is helpful to Etta. Over time I have realised that the big picture is that Etta is growing healthily and eats enough. She does eat a limited diet but this is because trying new food is genuinely scary for her because of its potential for sensory overload.
Our approach to her eating is like this one and this is what works best for her. At the end of the day the people I am trying to please with feeding Pinterest worthy veggie based meals to my kid exist in my head. And they are not as important as Etta. Because they are not real. Do I feel stressed in social settings where Etta has to eat food? Yes. But so does she. It's not like it's just healthy food she won't eat. She is scared of trying most new things. So usually I will find a few things that I know she will eat, and always bring something I know she will eat, so that she doesn't leave the party feeling left out or hungry.
The important lesson here for me has been in getting over my own ego. I feel like my kid should be eating amazing healthy meals because I like making those meals. I feel like others judge me because I don't. The best thing I can do is remove myself from the equation and look at what is best for Etta. And that is getting enough energy to learn and grow (which she does) and feeling safe to try new foods (which she sometimes does). Forcing her to eat stuff only intensifies her food fears.
At the end of the day, I want Etta to have a healthy relationship with food.
What has helped me is remembering that I was an extremely fussy kid too! I would not eat avocado or mushroom or pumpkin or peas or any mixed together foods (I didn't eat pizza or burgers until I was well into my teens). And that completely changed. The foods Etta eats now do not dictate her adult diet. And if I make food a safe place for her, she can - in her own time - discover new things.
It might not be food that's your private battle - it might be going to Kindy, or bedtime or something else. But if you take your ego out of the equation and put your kid at the front of it, I am certain this battle will become more manageable.
This is 100% the trickiest thing for me. When do you give them time and space to manage their feelings and when do you push them to try new things? What I try and do is watch her behavior and try and gauge how she's feeling. What kind of day has she had? Is she demonstrating any behaviors that indicate she's tired or upset? How hard is this thing for her to do? If it's a great day then it's the best time to try something new - be it an activity that might feels scary to her, visiting people in a different house, or trying a new food.
The other thing is - again where possible - to follow their lead. Etta is aware of her struggles to do certain things. And with some of those things she has a strong desire to rectify this. Often she will tell me when she is ready to retry an activity that has previously been too hard for her. When she does that, I try my best to promptly follow up so I can give her the learning opportunity she craves and if I can't do it immediately, I will talk to her and solidify a time when we can (she never forgets).
Sometimes external pressures are helpful in pushing for you. Etta was ready to start toilet training the week we brought Abby home. I was really not able to follow her lead on that (colic baby, couldn't put her down, recovering from childbirth...). Consequently, this pushed back her desire to toilet train. Whilst we had tried a bunch of methods at home (rewards, schedules, tandem peeing etc) it wasn't until she started Kindy and saw other kids going to the toilet that her interest was sparked. This external pressure forged the balance Etta needed to want to toilet train.
The Circle of Security - truly a useful tool in understanding what kids need from their parents/caregivers.
Many of us struggle finding the balance between protecting them and allowing them to explore.
6) Being Compassionate
I feel extremely grateful to have some understanding of how it feels to be unsure of the world at large - to be scared. My anxiety makes compassion for Etta and her situation simple for me. It isn't always easy to follow up on it though. Sometimes she will get a fright from a noise outside. Because this happens so frequently it can be difficult to address her needs right away (in the middle of washing dishes, peeing, just tired of dealing with regular noise complaints...). In these instances where I am not able to be with her immediately, I still try and acknowledge and manage her feelings when I get there.
Because just having those conversations about what is hard and scary for her - even after the fact - is what's important. We are constantly reinforcing to her that it's ok to be scared. We remind her that everyone is scared of something - Murray is scared of snakes. I don't like driving. Nana is scared of mice. This reminds her that not all fears are rational, but that everyone has them so it's ok for her to have them too. When she hears something scary when she's trying to go to sleep I will first ask her why it's scary and what she thinks it is. Then we talk about what I think it actually is and the the specifics of how it can't hurt her. And then because we've worked through it together she's not afraid anymore. And she goes to sleep.
Even if Etta's fears are irrational, her feelings around those fears are valid. And even though it can be annoying or sometimes seem ridiculous (hand dryers and troll sculptures), it's important to remember that when talking about it.
Perfection is not reality - this is an unachievable goal. But being good enough is totally doable. When kids perceive their parents as perfect they feel as though they can never meet their high standards. If they never see us fail, if they never see us cry then how can they know that it's ok to do those things? While we all want what's best for our kids, and we want them to reach their full potential, what they actually need to do that is to see their parents being their imperfect selves.This can be especially hard for some of us. Giftedness goes hand in hand with perfectionism. And many of those with gifted kids will be gifted themselves. Letting go of that perfectionist aspect is hard - for both ourselves and our kids. We want to present our best selves. We want to be seen as competent and strong at all times. But this is not showing the reality of our situation. And this isn't teaching our kids how to manage the genuine ups and downs of real life.
For me, it means apologising to Etta for being grumpy and explaining that I'm just having a bad day (she also totally understands what 'hangry' means). It means if I forget aspects of 'the routine' I explain that I actually just forgot because I'm tired. It means there is an embarrassingly awful drawing I did of Abby where I make a Muldoon analogy up on her bedroom wall (because whilst it was a failure for me, the kids love it). In seeing me as an emotional, imperfect person, she can see that it's ok to make mistakes - which makes it easier for her to talk to me about her mistakes. This articulation makes it easier for me to process and forgive my own mistakes, so it's better for everyone all round.
8) Get Support
A (hu)man is not an island, and a parent certainly shouldn't be. Remember back in the day how it literally took a village to raise a child? These days, this can feel impossible with many folks extended families spread across the globe. Parenting any child is hard. It is overwhelming and time consuming and exhausting. Parenting a kid with different needs can feel even tougher. We need breaks and time to ourselves. If you have no family, reach out and build a family. It might be making friends with your next door neighbours. It might be joining a baby yoga group or meeting other parents through your local Playgroup. It might just mean reaching out for help within an online community. These are all valid means of building your own village.
Making food at Bellyful
If you need more targeted, external support, it is out there. If you have a child under 1 you can get help through Maternal Mental Health. If not, contact your local woman's centre and see what services they have on offer. Call one of the 0800 numbers that offer help with depression. Reach out. Actual, needed support is not always easily accessible in NZ these days, but it could be. There are places that offer respite and childcare for free. There are places that might just cook you some meals to make the daily grind a little easier for a bit. But if you don't look, you won't find it. We cannot do this parenting thing alone. 9) Be Kind
Be kind to yourself. Some days are harder than others and on those days it's important to remember that your kid doesn't care if the washing is still on the line, or if you have made breakfast for dinner (common occurrence in our home as quick and kids will eat it). They need you to be there for them, to enjoy them and to watch over them. Sometimes these feel like insurmountable things. Some days you can't wait for them to be quiet in their beds so you can just feel like yourself for a moment. These feelings are normal. You are not a bad parent. And tomorrow is another day.
Be kind to your family. Remember that none of us are perfect, and that most of us are not trying to be hurtful or spiteful in our actions. Kids with behavioral issues are not bad kids. They are just trying to navigate through big feelings and ideas with limited resources. At the end of the day everyone is seeking the same thing - feeling connected, safe and happy.
These things are all possible, and are made simpler with kindness.
* Just need to make clear I am not vegan. I do try to eat low gluten (for help managing my IBS) and don't eat a lot of meat, but I like creating recipes that are delicious and suitable for folk on restricted diets. Also, veges are DELICIOUS.
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