Ten good things about 2022

So I know for most of us 2022 is a year we'll quite happily leave in the past.  With Covid killing millions globally, Russia invading Ukraine and the rising cost of living impacting most of us, it certainly hasn't been a beer and skittles year.  However, I'm a great believer in gratitude.  So this post will highlight ten good things that happened to me in 2022.

10. I won some hummus

You can't complain about winning stuff, right?  My only concern was that we wouldn't be able to eat it all before the best before date.  But we did.  And it was delicious.  Nom nom nom!

9. I went to an Ethiopian restaurant for the first time 

This won't all be food related, I promise!  But I do love food.  And I think trying new things is the spice of life.  I love going new places, meeting new people and eating new foods.  When I read this article about a restaurant not far from us I was excited to visit.  And I was not disappointed.  I particularly loved using the injera to mop up the sauce of my curry.

And the service was amazing. Our waitress was super friendly and happy to talk through the menu with us.  She even offered to comp us for Murray's drink when they accidentally gave us the wrong one (we refused.  The drink was delicious and we'll happily try another one next time we go.  Plus there's a vegan menu.  As a lapsed vegetarian who doesn't eat a lot of meat, this is something I really appreciate.  Definitely the culinary highlight of 2022 for me.

8. I started growing kawakawa

One positive things the many lockdowns gave me was rediscovering the joy of 'going bush'.  I now have regular walking spots which take me almost entirely away from the hustle and bustle while still being very close to home.  In one of these spots, there are always little kawakawa sprouting and me being me... I pinched a couple* and took them home.  Now they are big enough I can harvest kawakawa from right outside my door!  I have found kawakawa tea great for sore throats and feeling generally not so great.  I'm so glad I have it easily at hand for whenever there's a need.

7. I discovered Wonky Box 

Never heard of Wonky Box?  Neither had I until recently but it's a service that sends you fresh, local produce that would otherwise end up in landfill.  It's definitely not something that would work for every household - you don't know what fruit or vege you'll be getting until very close to delivery, but it works for us. 

What I like most about it - besides the environmental aspect, is that it forces me to eat seasonally.  Plus it encourages me to use ingredients I am less familiar with.  Life is more exciting when you're not eating the same boring stuff week in and week out.  This is also nutritionally fabulous - eating fresh, local, diverse foods is definitely a great way to get a wide range of vitamins and minerals into our diets.  I've not used turnips much before, but now latkes are a dish served fairly often in our household.  The humble kumara has been honed into many delicious new forms and leeks both feed us for a meal PLUS have a new lease on life as we replant the base in the garden (after re-sprouting it in water on the windowsill. This is all thanks to the fabulous Wonky Box

6. I saw Hannah Gadsby 

With Covid and lockdowns and so many canceled holidays it was exciting to go see, well anything!  And after the first show we'd booked was postponed when our Aus/NZ travel bubble burst, I was not sure if I'd ever see this show (or any other international act for that matter).  However, 11 months after we were initially supposed to see Body Of Work we actually got to see it! 

And it was brilliant!  Hannah Gadsby is not just a funny, autistic human, but she's a masterful storyteller and all round aware person.  These days I'm not so big on live music or large international shows, but I love me some comedy.  And feminist, local(ish) comedy from someone with a background in art history is definitely my jam.  So glad I got to see her live (and get the goss on how she awkwardly proposed to her wife).

5. I got curly hair

This will seem like a frivolous thing.  That's because it is.  It's not on this list because I'm grasping at straws because that's how bad 2022 was, but more that I LOVE my new hair.  Not just because I think it's pretty, but because I'm glad something good came of me being very sick with Covid.

In my case, it was a big auto-immune event.  Consequently, as can happen when people go through things like childbirth or surgery, Covid caused me to experience hair loss.  Instead of losing the normal rate of around 10%, I lost probably 25 - 30% of my hair in a short space of time.

Usually hair loss is considered a bad thing.  And often times it is.  When you're so ill your body goes koo koo bananas it's never a good thing.  But I have very, thick and wavy hair.  So for me it's just taken some of that weight away and allowed my natural curl to shine!  Other than cutting it to encourage the curl and taking care of it so it's healthy, I haven't done anything to my hair.  And while it's slowly growing back in, so this level of curl probably won't last, right now I'm loving it.  

4. Duck rescue
 

We have chickens.  Only three, and they freerange between our place and next door.  But as a consequence of keeping chickens and living close to a stream, we also get ducks.  Some of them have been visiting us for years.  Others, were basically hatched here.  And while ducks are messy and loud and annoying at times, they are also full of personality and I love them to bits. 

While we try not to interfere with nature, we do love our ducks, and we have intervened on occasion.  This year moreso than any other time as we've been deemed by some locals to be something of a duck rescue...  So for short periods we've homed injured or orphaned ducks. 

We had Yoki for just one night.  They'd got too cold and couldn't keep up with Mum and the neighbour found them shivering on the driveway.  We warmed them up and kept them inside and reunited them with Mum the next day.  Sinbad stayed with us overnight for almost three weeks.  Their leg was injured in what was likely a cat attack, and until they could keep up with their family, we decided to keep them safe with us.  Daisy was dropped off by a school friend.  She was found alone at the park and was only a day or two old.  And Flash was an older orphan from school. We only had Flash inside for two nights before we successfully introduced him to our Mum duck Cilla and she welcomed him to her family.

Yoki and Flash are still alive and visit us most days.  It's truly lovely.

This is Cilla with her babies (including Yoki and Sinbad) and Flash

Abby and Etta on their speech performance day

3. I saw our kids perform

One of the most awesome things about 2022 was that school started to return to something resembling normalcy.  The highlight of this for many at our school was the return of Pacific Cultural performances and Kapahaka. Having it back has felt like the heart has returned to our school community.  And while in the past I have enjoyed watching other kids perform, this year I got to see our kids perform.  As someone with Māori whakapapa who was actively discouraged from performing in kapahaka by certain teachers, it feels pretty damned special seeing my kids live a different experience.

Not only did I get to see them participate in kapahaka, but I got to see them deliver fabulous speeches.  Both were selected within their classes to present within their school syndicate.  It was so awesome.  Etta's speech on why Joan of Arc shouldn't have been executed was a brilliant, feminist argument masterfully presented.  And Abby's speech was just her mihi, but the only speech presented in te reo Māori.  Three winners were selected, and Etta was one of them.  It was a super proud day.

2. I recovered from Long Covid

While I know plenty of folk handle Covid with ease, this was not the case for me.  I was very, very sick.  I should have gone to hospital, but at the height of the pandemic, the prospect of doing so was as scary as staying home.  I got a chest infection.  I was off work for almost three weeks.  And then I developed Long Covid.  This affected every aspect of my life.  I had to cut back my hours at work, I had to cut back on jobs at home.  I had to stop exercising**.  I couldn't focus enough to read books.

The strange and frustrating thing about Long Covid was that it came it was inconsistent.  Some days just getting out of bed was an effort.  Other days my energy levels felt normal.  I found it very difficult to assess whether I was overdoing things, or doing less than I should.  Because some days I could go for a half hour walk and feel fine afterwards and other days I struggled to walk to the mailbox.  Sometimes the lethargy was predictable.  I could look back and see how I might have 'overdone things' in the days before.  Other times though, it just hit like a tonne of bricks for no apparent reason.  Colds which would previously hardly affect me, knocked me on my arse.

And it was like this for about seven months.  It wasn't until October that things started to feel closer to normal.  But the take-away here is that now things are closer to normal. Some people have Long Covid for much longer than I did.  Some suffer far worse symptoms than the lethargy and exacerbated asthma that effected me.  Some people will suffer from Long Covid for the rest of their lives

It wasn't easy but I did get through it and I am so grateful that I'm now doing ok.

Our attempt at a couple photo

1. Big changes at home

A really, really big thing happened last year that I haven't spoken about because it's just hard:  Murray and I separated for three months.  I know that separation sounds like a big and bad thing, but in the context of our lives we both believe it was necessary.  Because this isn't just about me I'm not going to go into details but in short, Murray needed to address some health issues.  I needed to have time to work on my health, and those things just weren't possible with us living together.

We set boundaries.  We ensured he still had time with the kids.  We talked about some very hard truths.  And he did some hard mahi.  Honestly, we would not be together today if he had not and I'm very proud of him for doing it.  Separation isn't a magic wand - it hasn't wiped our problems away - but it created space for us to take a step back and assess our priorities both as individuals, as parents, and as a couple.

Things are not perfect.  There is still a lot of work to be done, but we are willing to do it.  Without this, our whanau would be in a very different place today. 

*                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *

I'm not going to lie, 2022 was a hard year for me - just as it was hard for many of us.  But out of the struggle has come a lot of learning.  I am grateful to start 2023 armed with the knowledge I gained from last year.  And whatever this year brings, I will continue to find bright spots to hold in my heart.

* It's from council land, so technically not legal buuut it's in a scrub area which is natural, and there's not a lot of space.  So taking a few plants isn't hurting anything, and gives existing plants more space to grow.

** I had tried cutting back, but I think that's what contributed to my developing Long Covid.  When they say rest - they mean rest.  Like, stay in bed and do nothing level rest.  Cutting back swimming on swimming 1.2km three to four times a week to swimming even 500 meters twice a week was far too much until very recently.  

On Having Long Covid

So it's been more than six months now since I caught Covid.  And sadly, I'm still not back to my pre-covid self.  I'm doing much better than I was a few months ago, but for me recovery has been slow and unpredictable.

When I caught Covid I was very sick.  It was the first time I've ever felt I should go to hospital for an illness.  Not because I was freaked out due to the media hype, but because I really struggled to breathe.  The only reason I didn't go was because we caught it during the height of the first wave of Omicron and our healthcare system was slammed.  I didn't want to be waiting around in A&E with a bunch of other sick people whilst feeling so awful and I was worried that other people worse off than me might end up missing out.  So instead, I used my inhalers excessively, threw all the Lemsip and anti-inflammatories I had at it, and didn't sleep for the worst three days.

At the time we caught covid you had to isolate for a minimum of ten days.  I ended up isolating for almost double that.  During the worst of being covid positive my chest felt like there was a huge weight on it - breathing was such an effort I had muscle pain in my chest for weeks.  I was grateful Murray was less sick than I was so he could look after the kids - I spent several days in bed because I was too unwell to do anything.  As a consequence of Covid I got a chest infection.  Because I still had Covid symptoms I could not see a GP in person, so had a phone consult to get antibiotics and Murray picked them up for me.  On my first shift back at work I had to finish early because my thighs started shaking just from the effort of standing up for several hours. 

Being this sick was a bit of a shock. While I've always taken Covid seriously, I never considered myself a high risk person.  While I knew I was the highest risk person in my household due to being asthmatic, I thought due to my age, general health and fitness level I would be ok.  I was much more concerned about my Grandma or Mum catching it*.  My asthma is generally not an issue for me.  Prior to Covid I genuinely can't remember the last time I used my inhaler.  I'm just so glad I erred on the side of caution and updated my script before I got sick.  I don't think I could have avoided hospital if I didn't have inhalers.  

While recovery was slow, I was recovering.  I tried to follow the advice available at the time which was to go easy with exercise and stop when you feel tired.  Prior to getting sick, I was swimming 1200 - 1500 metres three to five days a week plus going for walks and living a generally active life. I had lost 11 kilos over eight months from being active and eating healthier.  After Covid, I stayed out of the pool completely for the first three weeks.  After that, I thought a little swim wouldn't hurt, so I did one slow 600 meter swim.

I felt great while I was swimming - but after I got home I felt wobbly, went to have a nap and woke up three hours later.  After that first swim I waited another week before trying again.  Again, I didn't swim far or fast and didn't feel bad while exercising, but afterward I felt totally wiped out.  So I stopped swimming for a bit, and switched to little bush walks.  Slowly, my energy levels started returning.  I was managing at work ok.
  

A pic from my action packed weekend     

About six weeks after having Covid I had a holiday booked in Warkworth.  I try go away on a holiday by myself at least once a year for some R&R.  These holidays are about getting in some me time and some rest.  It's usually 2 - 3 days spending time in nature, relaxing, eating delicious food and watching crappy motel TV.  

This holiday was no different.  I stayed in a place I'd stayed before and enjoyed the natural landscapes of the Tawharanui Peninsula.  I did go for beach walks, but I did my best to keep each walk under 45 minutes.  While I did go out in the mornings, I spent my afternoons doing Paint-by-numbers in the sunshine of the large bay window in my room.  I was asleep before 10pm each night.  It was by no means a busy time away.  I thought I'd come home refreshed and full of energy.

But when I got home I felt like I'd been dipped in concrete.  I struggled to get out of bed in the mornings.  I needed to use my inhaler after walking short distances.  I ended up taking a week off work because I couldn't stay on my feet for longer than a few hours before getting shaky.  I booked an in-person appointment with a GP.  Because I technically had Covid symptoms, I had to stay in my car for the first part of the consult.  She tested me for all the usual stuff: iron, B12, blood sugars, thyroid and all came back fine.  She put me on a reduced schedule at work for six weeks, gradually easing my hours back to previous levels.

What I learned from that consult was not only that I likely had Long Covid, but that what I considered rest was not what Drs mean by rest.  Walking on the beach was too much exercise.  What they considered to be exercise was walking to the mailbox and back.  While I had slowed down, proper rest wasn't feasible given my usual life.  I work in a very active job where I'm on my feet all day, often running around and sometimes doing heavy lifting.  As a working parent, things are busy.  There's school drop offs, pick ups, play dates, after school activities as well as the cooking and cleaning.  My life isn't conducive to rest.  Regardless of how early my bedtime is, regardless of cutting out exercise and trying to take naps, my life was too active to aid in my recovery.  She said things may have been better had I completely rested for the first month after getting sick which is nigh on impossible as a primary caregiver.

Common impacts of Post-Covid 19 - the random bruising is real!

Post Covid-19, more commonly known as Long Covid, is defined as chronic fatigue, shortness of breath and cognitive dysfunction unexplainable by other causes, 12 weeks post infection. While it is similar to post-viral infection it is far more common.  Where around 2% of viruses will result in post-viral fatigue about 10% of covid cases result in Long Covid.

As this is a fairly new medical diagnosis, there are still a lot of unknowns around how to treat it besides rest.  However, research can tell us what risk factors make us more likely to get it.  Here are the more common ones:

• People over 70 are twice as likely to get it than folk aged 18 - 49
• Women in general.  And women aged 40 - 50 twice as likely to get it than men in the same age bracket
  
• Folk with pre-existing mental health issues are 50% more likely than their more mentally well peers, and asthmatics have a 32% greater likelihood of getting Long Covid.
  
• Those who experience 5 or more different symptoms in the first week of illness are 3 1/2 times more likely to get Long Covid.
  
• For people who have previously had Epstein Barr Virus (Glandular fever) a Covid infection often reactivates EBV leading to Long Covid symptoms.
• Those who are not vaccinated are 59% more likely to get long Covid than their vaccinated friends and whanau.
  

Other than being under 70 and fully vaccinated, I meet all of these criteria.  So Long Covid was always a likelihood for me.

It does feel a lot like how I felt when recovering from EBV.  My primary symptoms have been fatigue and brain fog, but I also get muscle fatigue and very sore eyes.  What is most frustrating for me about this is the inconsistency.  I might have a fairly good couple of days where I feel almost normal, then one day I'll wake up and my limbs are heavy lumps again.  Now I am well enough that I can walk to school pick up and back without using my inhaler - but if I do that whilst carrying the kids school bags I need my inhaler and a rest when we get home to be able to cope with looking after the kids.

I go to bed by 9.30pm most nights.  I can't focus for long periods of time.  I struggle to find energy to be social with friends and whanau.  My short-term memory is shot.  I can't exercise like I used to and I've gained back half the weight I lost last year.  It's frustrating.  And there's no time frame on when I'll start to feel better.

I've had another unusual symptom: hair loss.  While it's not often talked it isn't that uncommon.  Any stressful event can trigger hair loss including viral infections.

My hair at similar lengths before and after Covid.

Having experienced hair loss before***, this aspect of things hasn't been too upsetting for me.  As someone with very thick hair I know that to most my hair loss isn't noticeable.  But to those who have known me for more than a few years the complete change in my hair texture is hard to miss.  While my hair has never exactly been straight, it hasn't been this curly since I was a toddler.  This is because I have wavy hair, and now there is less of it it is light enough to embrace its natural wave.  I hope it stays like this.  It's 100% the only good thing that's come from me having Covid.  I've totally embraced my post-Covid curls.

A cute baby pic of me to brighten this downer post

There's not much advice I can give for those who find themselves in a similar position.  The easiest way to avoid this is to do your best to avoid Covid.  Wear masks.  Wash your hands.  Get vaccinated.  If you do get Covid - rest.  If you are an active person like me, that means NO exercise for the first month after infection.  If you are not feeling great a month after getting Covid, talk to your GP.  Come up with a plan.  Make changes to your work/home responsibilities/routines to facilitate actual sitting-on-the-couch level rest. 

I've used this stuff a lot over the years
and found it to be gold for aiding energy levels

Aside from rest, I've amped up the vitamins.  Since having Covid, even a little illness really knocks me.  I take Vitamin C every day.  I take probiotics and drink turmeric tea to help my gut bacteria get back on track****.  I take Clinicians Stress and Energy support to aid in energy levels and sleep (this does seem to help with my tummy trouble as well).  It took a few months, but my physical resilience seems to be getting back on track - I managed to get through the last kids-bug-from-school relatively unscathed.  That's the first time in the last six months.

And be kind.  Be kind to yourself if you are slow to recover.  It's not your fault.  Be kind to others if their recovery looks different to your own - it's not their fault.  Long Covid is real, it affects 10 - 20% of us, and it really, really sucks.

* I'm so thankful that they still haven't [touch wood].  If anything, being this sick made me feel much more nervous about others I love catching Covid.

** I have bruised myself by giving myself an arm massage.  Like, LOTS of bruises all over both my arms.  From a massage.  I gave myself.  It wasn't that hard.  And no, I'm not anaemic.  That's all just Covid fun time.

*** Due to a wonky thyroid which has since righted itself.

**** Like it did with EBV, but gut health has gone down the toilet (literally).  Foods I used to be able to eat without too much drama are now blowing my tummy up like a balloon. 

On The Increasing Violence In Our Community

I live in West Auckland.

I've called Sunnyvale home for more than ten years now, but I've lived in various suburbs in West Auckland on and off for decades.

My first ever flat was in Massey. Fresh out of High School, myself and two friends.  We lived next door to a tinny house.  The good thing about living next to a tinny house is that you know your house probably won't get broken into in case you're friends with the neighbours.  The bad thing about living next to a tinny house is that we'd get door knocked at weird hours when we were mistook for the tinny house.

One time I heard someone getting beat up next door.  It sounded pretty bad so I called our local police.  Their response was 'Oh, are they c***nuts*?  They're always doing that.'  That was the entirety of their response.  They hung up.  Nobody came.  I was 18 years old, home alone and scared that someone may have been badly hurt next door, but also too scared to investigate for myself.

Learning that the powers who are supposed to help are only interested in helping certain people really scared me.

A lot has changed in the last 20 years.

One thing that has changed rather dramatically is the level of violence in our community.  In the last two years my workplace has had arson, security attacked with an axe and less than two weeks ago, a stabbing.  Less than a year ago six people were injured in an attack in a supermarket in New Lynn.  The attacker was shot dead at the scene.

And just last Tuesday, a woman was shot dead in a residency walking distance from my home.
On the Friday, a father and daughter were shot dead in their home in Glendene - also close to home. This is scary.  Now, every time I hear the Eagle helicopter overhead I wonder if someone I care about has been hurt.  If I'm home, I herd the children inside and lock the doors.  I check the news to stay updated on what's happening.

I hear the Eagle most days.

And while this is awful on its own, again what is scarier is seeing the way those who are supposed to help us are only interested in helping certain people.  It's scary seeing the media and many politicians or people in positions of power blaming this violence on gangs.

The two shootings near our home were not acts of gang violence.  Both were family violence incidents.  I know this because New Zealand is small.  I know several people who have family members that were friends of those murdered in Glendene.  The person who murdered them was the ex-partner of the daughter, and while at the time of the murder he may have been gang affiliated, the family affected were not gang affiliated.  I can barely register how painful this must feel for the family left behind.

And any time I read about a woman being murdered by a man known to her I can't help but consider our domestic violence stats:

• 1 in 3 women in Aotearoa experience intimate partner violence in their lifetime
• Only 33% of domestic violence cases are estimated to be reported
• Most people killed by homicide in NZ are women
• NZ has the highest rate of domestic violence in the OECD
  

2019 was the worst year for intimate partner homicide in New Zealand in a decade
goog_1157254184I find it very hard to believe that this woman's death was gang related when it's far more likely it was her partner, or ex partner**.

This isn't to say that gangs are not a problem.  I live on the same street as a gang HQ.  And while the immediate impact of this on my life is minimal***, there are other impacts.  The main one is the level of methamphetamine use in my local community.

Meth and Cash seized during a bust in 2020 from two West Auckland addresses

Patrick Gower delved into it in his 2021 documentary.  And research from 2020 shows just how accessible it has become.  I see its impact in my workplace most days.  Much of our store theft is perpetrated by meth addicts to fuel their habit.  I know this because the behaviour of regular uses is pretty easy to spot and we see it often.  It's at a point where I'm teaching younger staff members how to identify it so they can get support when needed.  Meth users often behave in unpredictable ways and we can mitigate the likelihood of this by our actions.  Our tuakana should be safe when they come to work 

But meth, gangs and domestic violence are merely symptoms.  If we only treat the symptoms and not the cause, nothing will get better.  Sadly, the cause is not simple to diagnose.  It is varied and complex.

It's a perfect storm right now.

Just a year ago Auckland was voted the most liveable city by the EIU

With divisive economic structures**** and an underfunded health sector, we were not well positioned to deal with the current pandemic.  The huge rise in cost of living - while also seen overseas - is harder to cope with in an economy where many can barely afford to pay rent due to housing prices.  It is unsurprising that in a recent survey of 12,000 immigrants, New Zealand was voted the second worst place to move to behind Kuwait.

Add to this the uncertainty of pandemic times and what is happening in our community is truly unsurprising.

And there is no simple fix. 

What we need is an overhaul of the structures that have allowed us to get to this point.  This isn't as easy as 'changing governments' - these problems have been ignored or band-aided by successive governments.  At the beginning of her term, Jacinda Ardern promised there would be no CGT under her leadership.  This was massively short sighted.  And while yes, changes are being made to WINZ and Working For Families, this will not solve our housing crisis.  Prior to this we've seen National led Governments pull funding from health services across the board whilst lowering tax rates and raising GST - which advantages the wealthy and makes things more difficult for those on lower incomes.

I felt those daily updates genuinely helped unite us

We also need our leadership to provide certainty during difficult times.  Whilst our current government did a fabulous job of this for quite some time, this level of confidence and assertiveness has fallen away. While I cannot speak for everyone I can say that the exact moment I stopped having faith was when they stopped following the advice of scientists and epidemiologists.  The current mask regulations are nonsensical to the point that I empathise with those confused about whether they need to wear a mask or not****.

I am not saying they've done a bad job - I do not believe any government could be perfect under the current circumstances.  But the lack in direction in terms of pandemic recovery certainly factors into increasing rates of violence. 

Scared people do not make great decisions.  Directionless people do not make great decisions.  Hopeless people do not make great decisions.  Even if the current economic conditions do not directly impact someone, this aspect of living in uncertain times likely will.

And poor, hungry, disconnected scared people cannot be expected to make good decisions.

If you do not have hope for the future - why would you care about what happens in your future?  Let alone the future of others.

I've seen this violence blamed on multiple things by multiple people.  In the media it's gangs.  In reader commentary it's often blamed on video games like Fortnite, teens and parenting (or a lack thereof).  Politicians blame other politicians.  And while yes, the blame ultimately lies with the offenders, there are reasons why we are seeing an explosion in rates of violent offending.

I think what it really boils down to is hope.



We need something to hope for.  Something to look forward to.  We need to know that things will get better.

When people cannot take holidays because they've run out of leave to look after sick people in their family, or because they've been sick themselves, every day life is grueling.  Equally being refused leave due to staffing shortages, and working under the constant pressure of those shortages is very hard.  And when you are doing your absolute best and still can't afford to pay your rent, or power, or petrol, or food because of the rising costs that show no sign in stopping rising, it is difficult to dare to hope.

Until this certainty can be provided I expect things will only get worse.  And the worse things get, the further away hope will feel.  All we can do, other than supporting those who have the power to level the playing field, is hold onto that hope.  And if we have the strength - share that hope with others.

And food and/or money if we have it.  It is very hard for hungry people to be hopeful people.

Yes, the school lunch programs are a fantastic idea - but kids are not always at school
Plus, hungry adults can be hangry adults - we need to do more than this.

* Racist slur for pacific peoples.

** I have learned subsequently (because New Zealand is small) that as I suspected yep - this woman sadly also lost her life to family violence.

*** Besides loud motorcycle noise and general speeding around the area we live in.

**** Our lack of a Capital Gains Tax is the worst aspect of this, but there are plenty more which fuel the divide.  We have one of the lower top tax bracket income taxes in the OECD.  This is crazy to me because in terms of percentage of income, those in lower income brackets pay much more tax as a percentage of income because all (or most) of their income is outgoing - thus incurring GST.  This combination not only makes NZ a perfect tax haven for overseas investors, but also makes it very difficult for those living in poverty to change their circumstances, while giving positive financial reward to those who already have money (through interest on savings, early payment reductions on bills, not having to use high cost finance options et al).

***** But honestly, just wear masks when out and about people.  This should be 'the new normal' if we truly want to stay healthy and minimise the impact of Covid and flu on the wider community.  Masks are not perfect, but when used correctly can be very effective.

On my feelings around Roe VS Wade

So last weekend Roe VS Wade was overturned.

It's hard to find the words to describe how sad and angry this makes me.  But struggling to articulate my feelings does not mean I don't care.  I care greatly about this atrocity and the impact it has on all of us.  Overwhelmingly so.

I care because even though this is not happening here in Aotearoa it effects me.  And I believe if you are a woman, a queer person or represent any group marginalised by society, this effects you too.

For me, queer rights and feminism go hand in hand.

In the Merriam Webster dictionary feminism is defined as:

Belief in and advocacy of the political, economic and social equality of the sexes.

Such an amazing book - I highly recommend it   

From my perspective, the very concept of feminism advocates for intersex, trans and genderqueer rights*.

It's pretty much just intersectional feminism which in my way of thinking, is the only feminism truly focused on equality.

And while I am comfortable being gendered as a woman today, I certainly haven't always felt that way.  I grew up for the most part in small-town, rural New Zealand in the 80's and 90's.  And whilst I'm aware of how this has shaped me I was recently reminded of the gravity of this impact while reading Hannah Gadsby's Ten Steps To Nanette.

Her perception of growing up in Tasmania during the same time period is not dissimilar from mine.  We both lived in places where gender roles were fairly well set in concrete.  The men did physical labour for long hours while the women managed the house and the childcare.  Sometimes the women also did the hard, physical labour - it's often just a necessary part of farm life - but their efforts were always considered supplementary to that of the men. While in Gadsby's case, her upbringing implanted a deep hatred of her own queerness, my upbringing implanted a deep hatred of my gender.

Because of what I witnessed at home, being a woman was never of any interest to me.  I associated womanhood with subservience.  My own home was ruled by my father.  It was his way or the highway.  Not understanding the complexity that is domestic violence I struggled to empathise with my mother.  To me, the dysfunction of our home was quite obvious so I could not understand why she didn't just leave.  I perceived her as weak.

This association became further entrenched when I moved to a larger school.  Around age eleven I watched something of a shift as girls moved to the margins of play.  Instead they sat around talking or playing elastics.  I did not understand this culture.  I wanted to keep on playing handball like I'd always done.  So I did.  I played handball with the boys a few years younger than me and the few girls who also did not fit in.  We were definitely not cool.

At that time, we would have been called 'tomboys'**.

The very idea that I could be a different gender from what I was labeled at birth was foreign to me.  'Transgender' was not a commonly used term when I was young.  While I was exposed to aspects of queer culture from a young age, this wasn't part of it.  Yes, there was a little girl born as a boy in the community we grew up in***.  She was my brothers age and was clearly trans from as soon as she could communicate.  This was accepted by our family who were friends with her mum.  But we didn't have the terminology.  She was just a little boy who should have been born a girl.

Ken and Ken - I have the BEST retail secret story about them

At that time I had no idea that trans-men even existed.  Cross dressers - yes.  Lesbians - yes.  But the closest thing to a trans-man I'd ever come across were the Topp Twin's in drag as Ken and Ken - neither of whom are trans men.

By my mid 20's I realised that the  disillusionment I felt from my proscribed gender actually had very little to do with women.  I came to realise this was a carefully crafted experience, a side effect of growing up in a strongly patriarchal society.  As a teen in many respects I was a misogynist.  Most of my friends were guys - I found them more relatable because they did stuff.  Like them, I catcalled women.  I condoned their sometimes shitty treatment of their girlfriends.  I bought into toxic masculinity because I pitied the condition of being a woman.  It was totally fucked up.

So here is my point.

Because of my personal history, I see gender identity and woman's rights as one and the same.  My dysfunctional relationship with my biological sex had nothing to do who I was or my behaviour, but with growing up in a world with strongly defined gender roles.  If I'd had the language at that time, I may have identified as transmasculine - but maybe not - other than wishing I could stand up to pee I was ok with my body****.  I most likely would have identified as gender queer.  I think if I were the teen person I was then today, I'd identify as non-binary.  I am glad that young people today have vocabulary to express this interior struggle.

What's messed up is that this should never have been a struggle.  Feeling as if I didn't belong to my biological sex was a direct result of the patriarchy.  Why, as an outspoken, intelligent, active person would I want to identify with a sex I was told was of lower status?  As someone who already grew up poor, nerdy and in an unstable home, being a woman was just more shit on the pile.  Now, after years of therapy, of study, of reading and engaging with the protest movements of recent history I can see the problem isn't me.  It has never been me.  For me today, identifying with my biological sex regardless of my outward gender expression is a revolutionary act*****.

I love mixing things up in the looks department and that this is still, and always, me.

It's revolutionary in that it doesn't buy into the notion that women need to be or act a certain way.  I can just be myself and whoever that is is what a woman looks like because I am a woman.  To me, this alone pokes holes in the patriarchy.  My children will hopefully experience the world a little differently than I did. Not just because gay marriage is legal and AIDS is now treatable but because I work my arse off to ensure they know their gender does not determine who they are.  They know women can have short hair, or shaved heads.  They know that women can be strong and outspoken.  They know that women can have jobs and kids and cook and clean if they want to - or not if they don't.

And I can use just the way I look to help other children - particularly those still growing up in strongly gendered environments - question aspects of that thinking.

There are a rainbow of ways to be a woman.

One of our current faves

I am so grateful for the breadth of literature available on strong women through history and LGBTQI+ peoples written for children.  I use these to back my point.  When Etta was going through  a bag of hand-me-downs she spotted a lame jacket and grabbed it like it was gold because 'it's just so Freddy Mercury!'  Abby has been quoting Frida Kahlo since she was three years old.  They know about the Topp Twins and Georgina Beyer and Louisa Wall.  And they know about Dr Jane Goodall, and Marie Curie and Maya Angelou.  The only prime minister of Aotearoa they can name is a woman.

My children still live within a (shifting) patriarchal system, but I work hard to ensure their experiences around and understanding of gender are vastly different to mine.

What's happening in the US now is scary.

Not just because women will die as a consequence, but because this is just the first step.  This is the patriarchy's attempt to quash their opposition.  Make no mistake.  This is not about abortion.  This is not a 'pro-life' position - it's an 'anti-women's rights' one.  Gay rights, immigrants rights and religious rights (outside of Christianity) will be next on their agenda.

And as we've seen with the emulation of the 'freedom' protests worldwide, this thinking will be emulated in other places.  It will be emulated here.  There are no guarantees that if elected a certain leader of the opposition who is openly 'pro-life' will not repeal laws here.  And with the backlash against difficult choices in a difficult time, it's highly possible he will be elected.

Just because I am overwhelmed does not mean I am not ready to fight.

Whenever we are teetering on the edge of change, there is a backlash.  This is what this is.  And to overcome this, we need to work together.  Regardless of our gender identity.  Regardless of our sexual identity.  Regardless of our religious beliefs.  If we care about humanity and equality we will support each other in our efforts to fight this hatred and oppression.

I need this world to be a safer one for my daughters than it was for me.

* Yes, it says 'sex' as opposed to 'gender' here.  Yes gender is a social construct and sex is biological.  But biologically speaking, sex is a spectrum in the same way gender as a social construct is.  Advocating for equal rights only for certain sexes or genders feels to me like the antithesis of the definition of feminism - just a patriarchy from a different hegemonic angle.  I do not view TERF's as feminists.  I cannot see them as anything other than one of the many societal problems caused by the patriarchy.  If you aren't advocating for the equality of ALL sexes and gender expressions then in my book, you ain't a feminist.

** I find the concept of 'tomboys' problematic in that it implies that if a girl acts differently to what is expected she is not a girl.  This implies that girls are not differentiated from boys due to any physiological differences - but by behaviour.  And I find linking behaviours to certain genders problematic because all genders should be allowed to, and are capable of, behaving in many different ways.

When we imply this is not the case we limit people's capacity to experience the world on their terms.  Fuck this.  Fuck limits.  Gendered brain theory has been discredited by many scientists for decades.  The only limits imposed on biological sex are social ones.  Being a girl who likes sandpits and rugby and cares not for dresses does not make that girl a faux-boy.  She is a girl who likes sandpits and rugby and hates dresses.  Unless or until she identifies otherwise.

*** She was the first person I knew personally to transition.

**** Not that bodily dysphoria is necessary for someone to identify as trans.  I just don't think I ever felt trans.

***** This is how I feel for me.  Every person who identifies as trans, non-binary or gender-queer has the right to claim that identity.  My choice in my identity is not a commentary on that.  I am grateful that the world is moving even a little toward being accepting of these identities, and that my children now actually have a vocabulary to express their experiences of gender.

Eight easy things to grow for non-gardeners

 Our cat Huddle enjoying the inside garden    

We've seen a huge rise in inflation over the past year.  This has hit food especially hard.  It's currently at a 10 year high and likely to grow more.  Consequently, many of us are looking at ways to spend less on food as we stretch our budgets to impossible levels.

I am not an amazing gardener.  I killed almost everything I tried to grow until I was almost 30.  While I grew up on a farm amongst a family of green thumbs, I was blessed with brown.  Today my garden is a haphazard mess.  It is seldom weeded and often dug up by chickens, cats and other critters.  Nevertheless, we do manage to eat fresh from our garden and indoor plants all year round.  What I've learned over time is that you don't need a lot of space, time, money or skill to grow some things.  That whether you live in an apartment, flat with others, rent or own your own home, growing food is possible.  And all things fresh and free are good.  Especially now.  So here are a few of my favourite, simple things to grow for the non-gardeners wanting to save a few dollars at the check-out.

1. Spring Onions

Did you know you can just cut the ends off these, put them in dirt and they will grow?  Since learning this these have become a garden staple.  When I need spring onions I just snip off some of the leaves and let the plant keep on growing.  When they do get a little old and huge over time, I just buy some more when I'm next planning a meal that uses them and put the ends into the garden.  They're extremely low maintenance, basically grow themselves and most pests aren't interested in them.  You can grow them in a pot or in the garden.  I buy these only once or twice a year but eat them fresh year round.  Spring onions are high in fibre which aids digestion.  They also have antibacterial and antiviral properties to help keep you healthy!

This isn't a huge saving, but if you buy spring onions even once a month, this will save you about $15.50 over a year

One of my 'failed' garlic crops.  So exciting
to learn I could just use the greens!

2. Garlic Greens

I have tried and failed many a time to grow garlic for the bulbs.  I eagerly await their harvest and instead find just a few teeny bulbs which are hard to peel.  This is likely due to my total lack of spending time in the garden.  But rather than giving up, I've just changed tact.  Now I use their leaves.  Garlic leaves do not taste as strong as the bulbs, but are a really lovely addition to stir fries, soups and pasta dishes.  Like spring onions you can just snip them and leave the bulbs growing in the garden, and you can grow in the garden or in a pot. If you have never planted garlic before, all you do is plant one of the cloves pointy side up and wait for it to sprout - it's that simple.  While you are supposed to plant garlic in Winter if planting for the greens, just plant them whenever you like.  Garlic leaves contain all the same nutritional values as the bulbs - it boosts your immune system, aids your heart health and works as an anti-inflammatory.  And they're lower in fructose than the bulbs, so easier to digest - perfect for someone on FODMAPS or a low inflammation diet.

Might not save you anything BUT adds nutrition and flavour to your meals at no cost.

3. Ginger

Fresh ginger is the root of the ginger plant.  But, like garlic, you can also eat the leaves.  Whilst still gingery and peppery, the leaves are milder in taste than the root and are good in stir fries and salads.  Like garlic, I grow ginger for the leaves as can just leave it in the garden and let it grow.  I find this actually grows better in pots (although that's partly because my chickens like to dig it up).  You can just take a section of ginger root with a knobbly part and plant it with the knobbly bit toward the top.  It usually sprouts within a week.  Ginger is great for your immunity and managing digestive health.

Again, this may not save you anything, but it costs you nothing (if you already buy root ginger) and adds flavour to your meals for nothing.

My parsley has been growing since before
my eldest was born!  This is her as a baby
picking it fresh from the garden.

4. Parsley (or another favourite herb)

Parsley is probably my most used herb because it's so versatile.  I use it in a range of meals - in soups, in pasta, in salads, for garlic bread.  I even use it as a substitute for coriander (cos my partner doesn't like fresh coriander) in curries to add that freshness coriander lends.  It adds a nice lift to meals.  You can grow it in pots or in the ground - this is the same for most herbs.  Just growing one of your favourite herbs means you don't have to buy it and it adds some freshness to your meals - even if you can't afford to buy much fresh veg.  Parsley is high in Vitamin A, Vitamin C and Vitamin K (which helps with blood clotting).  If parsley is not for you, mint and rosemary are also very versatile and easy to grow.

If you use a lot of your favourite herb - just growing it yourself will save you between $12 to $36 per year AND will make your meals taste so much yummier!  Add more herbs to your garden and increase savings while adding flavour!  I'm a huge fan of fresh basil, oregano and thyme.  Basil can be fussy outside so I grow it year round in pots indoors.  I have a selection of herbs growing on my kitchen windowsill so it's easy to add them to meals as I'm making them.

5. Silverbeet

I think of silverbeet as the quintessential Kiwi green.  It is hardy and easy to grow.  You can grow it in the garden or in pots.  It's extremely versatile - you can steam and blitz it in large quantities for curries, use it fresh in salads, or instead of spinach in lasagne or cannelloni.  And it's super good for you!  It has similar qualities to parsley but is also high in iron and calcium.  If you don't like the stems, don't use them.  Personally, I love them stir fried in butter with a little garlic, salt and pepper and coriander.  Of course, if you hate silverbeet, growing spinach or kale is just as useful and can save a lot of money at the supermarket.  I just find silverbeet the easiest to grow (and I like it more than kale).

If you use a lot of salad greens, this is where the money's at.  Growing your own greens can save you $4.50 - $13.50 per week.  That's at least $234 per year!

6. Courgettes

These are probably the hardest thing to grow on my list - but they're still easy to grow.  These do grow best in the garden although I'm sure you could grow them in a large pot with good drainage if you wanted to.  You can grow them almost all year round (besides Winter) and you can freeze them so you can use them year round.  Courgettes are high in fibre, potassium and vitamin C, as well as vitamin A.  Courgettes do not have a particularly strong flavour so are a versatile 'filler' fruit (yep, they are a fruit - same family as cucumber and melons) in meals.  I use it in everything from salads to curries to bolognaise.  If left growing a little too long, they develop into marrows which are delicious stuffed!

If you usually use a couple of courgettes a week, growing them yourself can save you $80 plus per year.

Delicious lemon curd biscuits!              

7. Limes or other small citrus trees

Having fruit trees is not limited to home owners or people in long term rentals.  Believe it or not you can actually grow some citrus trees in pots.   Citrus fruits are high in fibre, vitamin C and anti-inflammatory flavonoids.  Plus they add a zesty lift to any meal.  They can be used for sweet or savoury dishes and are a fabulous addition to most drinks.  You can freeze the juice, or even freeze lemons or limes whole if you're using them for the zest.

We use a lot of lemons at home - especially in Winter - so I know they can be expensive!  When they're not in season, lemons are about $10 a kg - that's almost $2 per lemon.  And that's nothing on limes.  Just two years ago, limes were seen reaching prices of up to $75.99 per kilo.  If you can afford to get a small tree, when it starts fruiting, you'll get your money back many times over.

At the moment it's almost peak lemon season and they cost almost a dollar each.  It costs about $30 for a small citrus tree.  If you go through 2 lemons a week, you'll save about $100 in a year so it's well worth the investment.
   
8. Something that you love

This is just if you have time and energy to spare giving something a go.  I love chillies.  Consequently, I grow them.  My first chillies came from plants given to me by my brother, and others grown from seeds harvested from supermarket chillies.  Because I grown them indoors I do regularly 'feed' them with seaweed or seaweed based fertiliser.  I am very lucky to have a big bay window, so grow them inside where they're only just beginning to slow down with fruiting now (just a few weeks away from Winter).  From this seasons harvest I have enough chillies to last me at least a year* along with having gifted many to friends.  Chillies are a food that I love.  Growing them not only saves me money, but adds excitement and flavour to many of the dishes cooked often in our home, from curries, to pasta to soups.  They add a freshness and boost to almost everything.

But chillies are my thing.  For some folk I know it's tomatoes.  They invest time and energy over Summer growing hundreds of Sweet 100s or Beefsteaks or Moonglows.  They eat them with gusto and turn the excess into sauce or pickles to store for use over Winter.  Maybe you like lettuce.  A $2 pack of seeds, some potting mix and a few small pots could see you eating it for almost free year-round if you have a little space on a sunny windowsill somewhere.  Choose something simple you love and grow it yourself.  Not only will you save money and add flavour to meals, but you get to literally bring something you love into this world.  And then you can eat it.

My chillies - still fruiting even though it's almost Winter!

* I've frozen some and dried some.  There are lots of different ways of storing food.

On How I Feel When I See #istandwithjohnny

I'm writing this because it just won't stop niggling at my brain.

Like many I've been following the court case.  I don't want to be - it's like trying not to look at a car crash - you know it's wrong, but it's hard to look away.  I don't want to be interested in this*.  It's frustrating.

What I find more frustrating than my own inability to look away is seeing so many folk sharing the hashtags 'I stand with Johhny Depp' or 'I stand with Johnny' (there are 17,000 + posts linked to those hashtags).  The simplification of this case into 'with him or against him' is extremely unhelpful.

Because unfortunately, things are just not that simple.

A chunk of the problem here is due to social media.  It's great at boiling things down to their bare essentials - Are you pro Trump or anti Trump?  Are mandates a good thing or a bad thing?  Is the dress blue or is it gold?  Choose a side, plant your feet and argue with anyone with an alternative position.  Increasingly the presentation of ideas on social media are like these - black and white.  Spat out in ways that pit people against each other.  This is not only problematic in how it fuels dissent, but because life is rarely black and white.  There are many, many grey areas.

When I see #Istandwithjohnny it feels like these people believe if you don't get hit, you have not been abused.  Therefore Amber abused Johnny - he did not abuse Amber.  That because she was abusive toward him, what he did to her is longer constituted as abuse.  This feels massively reductive, and unhelpful - particularly after seeing footage of Johnny Depp's behaviour around and toward Amber.  It feels like a punch in the guts because it's saying my experience of abuse don't matter.  That so many women's experiences of abuse do not matter.

The Power And Control Wheel

Yes, domestic violence can and does happen to men too.   It isn't specific to heterosexual relationships - it can occur in any relationship.  But these crimes are more often than not perpetrated by men against women.

In New Zealand, 35% of women have experienced physical or sexual violence from an intimate partner in their lifetime.  When other forms of violence like those in the wheel above are included, this jumps to 55%.  And 87% of women who experienced physical or sexual violence from an intimate partner did not report it.  More recent statistics (published after the lockdowns) suggest this rate to be closer to 94%.  And 78% of intimate partner homicides in Aotearoa are perpetrated by men against their current or former partner.

In comparison 7.4% of men have experienced physical or sexual violence from an intimate partner in their lifetime.  When all forms of abuse are included, this jumps to 17%.  And just 2% of intimate partner homicides are perpetrated by women against their male partner or ex-partner.  That's 76% less than homicides perpetrated by men against women.

I do not use these statistics to back the notion that Amber is innocent in this.  I use this to show you just how many women may have experienced similar situations and not reported them.  Amber also did not report her abuse.  I expect like most people that don't report their abuse she was quite terrified of being dragged through court.  That she was aware she had some culpability in things, or that even if she didn't it would be made to look as if there was.  That she was uncomfortable with being poked and prodded by defense lawyers about the specifics of her abuse.  I can fully understand instead using a pen to vent her frustrations with her dysfunctional relationship.

                          Johnny's mangled finger

I have no doubt from what I've seen from the court case that Johnny Depp and Amber Heard's relationship was dysfunctional.  There is plenty of evidence to confirm this whether he cut off the top of his own finger as initially stated, or whether she did with a broken bottle.  To me, the truth of the specifics are largely irrelevant.  The court case is a defamation suit.  The level of violence from either party shouldn't come into it.  That Amber Heard stating (without using his name) that her relationship with Johnny was abusive is the crux of the matter.

And the footage I saw of Johnny losing it - slamming doors and throwing things - is by any clinical definition abusive.  Living with a person who thinks this kind of behaviour is ok, that it's 'normal' is living with someone who is abusive.  Using threats and intimidation is classic controlling behaviour.  And I very much doubt that short clip was the extent of the abuse perpetrated within this relationship - whether it came from both sides or not.

Choosing not to see the grey area, choosing to #standwithjohnny, signifies to very many of us with lived experience like Amber's, that abuse that is not physical or sexual does not count.  Abuse, when retaliative, is acceptable. That women in these dysfunctional relationships should just keep their mouths shut as the vast majority of us have been doing for centuries.

Choosing to #standwithjohnny is choosing to maintain the status quo.

I have little to no doubt that both Johnny and his lawyers were aware that the footage and texts highlighted would come to light in court.  So this tells me:

a) He and his legal team do not constitute those behaviours to be abusive and/or
b) His character witnesses and social status will allow people to forgive this level of behaviour (if he appears remorseful of course).

These are both deeply problematic.

A little love from Johnny's fans...                      

The fact that Johnny Depp's fans

are allowed to attend court is just wrong.  Standing up in court is hard enough without knowing that there are people there who do not know you, have no interest in knowing you and will never believe or support you.  His fanclub is like a physical manifestation of the size of his ego.  Men with egos this big seldom admit they are wrong.  Men with egos this big do not believe they will fail.  And in my experience, men with egos this big are much of the time, dangerous people.

The fact that he hired a psychiatrist to 'diagnose' Ambers mental health disorders is also deeply problematic.  His legal team hired the psychiatrist.  And what they diagnosed her with was of no surprise to me.  Not because it was an obvious diagnosis for Amber, but because these diagnoses have been used to discredit women for decades.

The term Borderline Personality Disorder was proposed by Adolph Stern in 1939 but didn't make it's way into the DSM until the third edition in 1980 courtesy of Otto F. Kernberg.  It is used to describe a collection of symptoms attributed to people (predominantly women) with primitive psychological defenses - mood swings, unstable self image and a tendency toward self harm.

These days, BPD is considered a controversial diagnosis.  Not only is it rumoured** to have entered the DSM III as a means of sectioning psychiatric practitioners problematic wives, but it's resistance to treatment and continued problematic behaviour means it's not a particularly useful diagnosis for those unfortunately so diagnosed.

And as for histrionic personality disorder, well.  Not only is it's name rooted in misogyny (hystera being Greek for 'womb' hysteria meaning 'wandering womb' ie: displacement of womanhood) but it's considered to be the most ambiguous diagnostic category in psychiatry.  In other words, pretty much useless.  Other than being a disorder which helps remind us all that 'bitches be trippin'.'

I have zero doubts that Amber Heard has mental health issues just as I have zero doubts that Johnny Depp is an egotistical narcissist.  But I equally do not doubt that Johnny Depp's 'psychiatrist' diagnosed her with these outdated mental illnesses to discredit Amber in court.  No decent, up-to-date, psychiatrist would simplify her behaviours to two such outdated, and vague diagnoses***.

A more suitable diagnosis, in my personal opinion, is PTSD.

As someone formally diagnosed with PTSD (in my case now considered CPTSD) I can say that many of her behaviours could result from this.  Her misremembering the brand of the makeup she used to cover up bruises could easily be a result of PTSD.  I have had someone try to discredit one of my experiences of sexual abuse because I could not remember one specific.  I know how easily you can want to fill in the blanks to lend credibility to what happened and get it wrong.

Aside from problems with memory some of the things I have struggled with include anxiety, depression, dissociative episodes and difficulty managing my emotions.  Now I have safety nets in place and a more stable life, this is the extent of it and it's generally quite manageable.  However when I was younger, it presented quite differently: engaging in self harming behaviour, abusing alcohol, acting bizarrely, drastically changing my appearance when unhappy.  I recognise all of these behaviours in Amber.

Me in my mid 20's - almost naked and entirely blue...

Based on her op ed and her early experiences of abuse it's likely that Amber's PTSD existed well before she met Depp.  have no doubt she was drawn to a relationship fraught with problems because of her PTSD.  And living with someone who has a problem with addiction and has an ego like Depp's, would certainly be triggering.  I have no doubt Amber Heard acted out as a consequence of this situation.

*        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *       

I understand completely that her op-ed negatively impacted his career.

I understand that aspects of their relationship have likely been exaggerated - by both parties. But the relationship was abusive whether that abuse went both ways or not.  Regardless of her part in things, Amber was abused.  The major problem with him winning this case is like many, it sets a very messed up precedent for victims of abuse.  It's a very clear message that it's not abuse when someone throws stuff around the room and jokes about killing you and 'fucking (her) burnt corpse afterward to make sure she's dead'.  It's not abusive to attempt to control how your partner looks and what work she chooses to do.  

But it is wrong to the tune of $50,000,000, to talk about your experiences.

And this is just so wrong.

It is hard for me seeing stories like this played time and time again.  Woody Allen is still making movies in spite of being a pedophile. As are Charlie Sheen and Dustin Hoffman, both accused on multiple occasions of sexual assault.  While some men have been prosecuted, found guilty of their crimes and been 'cancelled', an equal amount of women are labelled as 'hysterical' or 'impossible to work with' simply for not fitting the mold of a passive object and speaking their mind.

It's hard for me not to view these kinds of trials as the witch trials of modern times.

But it's very easy for me to understand why 94% of victims of intimate partner violence do not speak out.

* There is a clear and obvious reason why.  People with my background will either be following this case closely or avoiding it like the plague because it's triggering.

** Murray told me it was commonly described at Auckland Uni (psych degree) as a condition which made it into the DSM as a way of being able to diagnose and section psychiatrists and medical practitioners wives...

*** Just incidentally, what is the usual cause of BPD?  Abuse and trauma.  It's also considered to 'run in families'... like intergenerational abuse and trauma.  What is the cause of PTSD?  Abuse and trauma...