On The Problem With Thursdays

Does anyone else get anxious about downtime?

Every Thursday my Mother and Father in law take the kids.
For.  The.  Whole.  Day.

How lucky am I as a mostly stay at home Mum of two pre-schoolers?  In case you don't know the answer to that - so friggin lucky?

The kids chillin' with Poppa - works for me!     

   

The problem is that before the kids have even left the house on Thursday, I start freaking out.  Because it is the only day of the week I can do things around the house that are tricky to do with small children.

In our house this means anything that I need to concentrate to do.  Because two preschoolers = being interrupted every few minutes.

And I'm supposed to also use this time to help manage my mental health by doing things like:

• Resting
• Basic self care (shower/bath)
• Socialising
• Medical appointments
• Other self care (bird watching/going to a movie/walking/just chilling)

I did take myself to go see Flatliners the first Thursday I had with no kids.  Loved it

And it's just plain easier to do some of the household chores without kids like:

• Grocery shopping
• Large amounts of clothes/bedding washing
• Concentrated* gardening (or dangerous gardening like lopping tree branches)
• Concentrated food prep (complex meal or things like jam or sweets)
• Vacuuming more than one room at a time
• General tidying

And at the moment I am trying to do numerous things which require a level of concentration to do including (but not limited to):

• Writing blog posts
• Sanding and re-painting the hallway
• Working on my art projects for an upcoming exhibition
• Packing half of the house (our floors are getting replaced at unknown date in future and we must move everything out of half of the house with 48 hours notice.  So I'm opting to pack all unnecessary things now to avoid future stress and hassle).

 So what has been happening fairly often since I got my Thursdays back (In laws were away in Africa for 7 weeks and was working Thursdays before that) is that I actually have a panic attack on Thursday mornings.  I am so overwhelmed by having this precious gift of alone time, and feel terrified that I will somehow squander it.  And then it'll be another week until I have this time again.

A regular Thursday list             

        

One of my coping strategies - just generally for life - is that every morning I write a list of what I'd
like to get done.  Over time I have learned I need to include things like resting and socialising to ensure I don't forget to just chill out for a bit, or feel guilty for going 'off list' if I do so.  What has been happening on Thursdays is that the list of what I would like to get done is often so extensive that I know I have to be on task all day to get it done.  Like, even if 'seeing a movie' is on the list there is a scheduled time for it, and I cannot deviate from that or I won't get the rest of the list of 'proper jobs' done.

Every Thursday morning feels like I'm prepping to run a marathon.

There are a number of practical solutions that would remedy this.  One would be doing more things in the evenings.  The only problem with this is that my brain is a day-time brain, and functions less well at night (particularly when I'm lacking in sleep, which is often the case).  So while I can do something things at night (and do) like photo editing and stream-of-conscious style writing, I can't do stuff that requires brain like editing or drawing.  The other solution would be to palm this work off onto the weekends.  Unfortunately, I work on Sundays and Saturdays is the only day of the week we get to spend together as a family, so it is difficult to justify using that precious window of time for things other than that.

But this Thursday I did something different.

On Wednesday night I was well aware that I had a day of potential freak out ahead.  After a big talk with Murray about general stuff (which was very helpful) I had a moment of clarity.  There are many genuine reasons for me to feel anxious at the moment.  But the biggest thing causing me issues is fear around my upcoming exhibition.

Having not had work on public display for a long time, it's natural I'm anxious about exhibiting.  It's also the first time I will have shown work alone outside of an educational setting.  I am used to the teamwork of an exhibition, the camaraderie, having people to critique your work and how you choose to show it.  This time it's all on me.  And even though this is not exactly a 'professional' exhibition, and have just opened it up to friends and whanau, it still feels like a big deal.  Because it's the culmination of a year of exploration.

I realised I had fallen back into the trap of trying to make things 'perfect'.  That when things were not working out according to my plan, rather than making a plan B I was just stuck.  And things were often not going to plan as I had kids now, and less time and brain, and should have been creating plans B through Z to manage this.  Instead, my anxiety would trigger because I felt stuck and that time was slipping away.  Consequently, I was getting little done which amplified this feeling. 

Magical list of wiseness.  What a difference a day makes, huh?

So on Wednesday night I wrote an extensive list of what I wanted to get done for the exhibition - including finishing the hallway, and the zine.  Then honestly ticked whether each item was 'necessary' or 'optional'.  This cut my list of what actually needed to be done down massively.  I then planned out the next three weeks with what actually needed to get done to be on track to having a finished show.

Yesterday I woke up, and felt a little anxious.  But I had a list.  I had a list which I knew was completely possible to achieve within the timeframe and incorporated in rest and downtime.  And I knew that I would not be behind schedule if I completed this list as in, I still had ample time to complete the rest of the tasks for this week.

And I had a great day.  I stuck to my list.  I fulfilled my tasks.  I was chilled out enough that I could actually nap - something I haven't been able to do during my 'rest' day Thursdays for about a month now due to chronic anxiety and/or time constraints.  And I managed to work whilst watching crappy wondrous TV - just like I used to do back at art school - one of my favorite work methodologies.  And I was happy with the work I got done.  In fact, I only have one more 'job' left to do this week to keep on track for the exhibition.

I drew something I like!

 

And while focusing on the exhibition meant not focusing on my blog, or the housework or a fancy dinner - the sky did not fall on my head.  And in reality I still actually vacuumed part of the house, cleaned the oven, washed the dishes and did two loads of washing and packed another box for when the floor gets done - so it wasn't like the house was ignored.

And also it provided some fodder for this cheat blog...

* As opposed to haphazard gardening - which I do irregularly with the kids (they're happy, and small bits get done - so I'm happy)