On Having Amazing Mum Friends

I have some amazing Mum friends.

I have Mum friends that keep their houses tidy.

I have Mum friends that also have successful careers.

I have Mum friends that run marathons.

I have Mum friends with amazing hair.

I have Mum friends that are work and write amazing plays.

I have Mum friends who still create and exhibit art in galleries 

I have Mum friends that write award nominated books. 

                Andra, I think you're amazing

I have Mum friends that have no family close by.

 

I have Single Mum friends.

And while I love my family and life, it is a daily struggle not to compare myself with my many  successful Mum friends.

 

I am not sure if this is a thing that Mums from creative backgrounds struggle with more intently than regular Mums.  But I think not.  I think most Mums probably compare themselves in some ways with others.  And while I'm sure this has always been the case (how does Mrs Jones get her nappies so white?), I also think the advent of social media has exacerbated the ways in which we compare ourselves.

How do they get their nappies so white?  Maybe sunshine?

Because now we have an insight into our Mum friends kids lunchboxes, holidays, meal plans, work-life balance and how fine they're looking post baby-belly.

And it's tough.

At the moment my house is a shambles.  The rubbish bins need to be emptied.  The fridge and freezers need to be cleaned out.  The bathroom needs a general scrub and the kids rooms are both atrocious.  I did clean my bedroom this week - the state it was in was starting to impact on my sleep.  I am embarrassed to have my Mum over and fearful that - post recent surgery - she will tidy up while Abby and I nap (she did, by the way).

The house looks like shit but look! I drew this bird.

There are a multitude of reasons for this mess.  The main one being that I am working on my Suburban Birds project to get it set for the zine to launch in a few weeks.  And Abby's started waking more overnight and starts her day at 5am.  And I have been quite unwell this week and struggling to do anything.  And I have pre-schoolers who, bless their wee souls, leave a path of destruction in their wake.  So I tend to focus on the necessary cleaning (pee, poo, washing, dishes) and leave the rest.

But somehow in a few weeks, the parts of the house that will be seen will be clean enough, my zine will be complete* and my exhibition will be hung.  And even though this is the first time I've exhibited work since I've had kids, or written anything that's been (self)published, and even though my Christmas shopping is still not done, the garden has gone to pot and the floor in the kitchen still needs replacing I am sure I will have some Mum friends that will think 'How does she manage this when she's a Mum?'

Ahhh, my beautiful jelly.                 

What you can't see here is that it didn't set properly.

We need to remember that people clean up before we visit them.  That the biscuits they've given us aren't necessarily the first batch, and that some people have childcare available.  We need to remember that what we're seeing and comparing ourselves with is only what is presented to us - it's just a tiny snippet of someone else's life.  And on social media these snippets are edited and selected to put our best face forward.

When we compare ourselves to others we are often missing most of the picture.  We usually don't know how much people earn, their family circumstances, their expectations, their experience.  We don't know how much support people have, how healthy they are, if they have cleaners or nannies or family support.  We may know some of these things - particularly of our close friends - but it's unlikely we have the full picture most of the time.

It has taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I simply need more sleep to be functional than some people I know**.  Consequently, I have less productive hours in the day to work with.  Rather than feeling guilty or comparing myself to people with different circumstances, I should focus on what I am doing with the hours I have.  And to remember there are people who need more sleep that have even less time than me.

Check out this photo of a pigeon!  
Don't look in my kitchen...

And because I am embarrassed by the shambolic aspects of my life I, like many others, only post the images that project the image of myself, or my family, that I want people to see.  We have to realise that while we're busy coveting some aspect of another amazing Mums life, someone is likely coveting yours.

We are all amazing Mums*** in some form or another.  Rather than coveting those other amazing Mums we should revel in the amazing things we have, the amazing things we do and the amazing people we are.  Because within the context of our own lives - these snippeted highlights - even if they may seem small in the context of the larger world - are still extraordinary.


* It will not be perfect, but it will exist as a physical object in the world.

** I am pretty sure this is from when I had undiagnosed Glandular Fever in my early 20's as this seems to be when it started.  My immunity is awesome - I am seldom sick - so long as I get enough rest.  It's not a crazy amount - just 7 to 8 hours of quality sleep - but difficult to achieve with kids and intermittent insomnia.  I note this sleep thing because I know some people I know feel like 4 to 5 hours is ample.  And I kinda envy them.

*** You may not be someone's Mum exactly, but I'm sure you will Mum someone (colleagues, parents, guinea pigs).  And even if you don't - pretty sure this thing probably applies to most people.  Aside from those who think they are better than everyone.