Last weeks post had the highest initial hit rate of anything I've posted to date. I think this is thanks to the zeitgeist of the #metoo campaign, however this doesn't lessen the personal relevance of this topic. Today I'm focusing on addressing questions that came up - both from others and from myself - from the last post.
The first thing I want to restate is that my intention with blogging is not to shock. I write to help people feel less alone in their experiences. I mean this generally - not just in terms of last weeks topic. It took going to rehab to come to this realisation myself and it completely changed my life. Because no matter what you've experienced in life, someone else will have experienced it too.
Maybe not down to the infinitesimal details - but the crux will be the same. For me, realising I was not alone helped me feel stronger - like thousands of strangers were standing behind me and propping me up. When I write, I hope to impart this feeling to others. Yes, reading something on the internet is a dilution of living with people like yourself (as I did in rehab) - but the gist is the same. You are not alone. Someone else understands what you are going through no matter how strange or awful it is.
I promise you this.
* * *
The next thing I want to say is that I know my post did shock some people. I'm glad as it means that some people have not had the experiences I have. When I look back at my life objectively it is not an exaggeration to say I was an easy target for this kind of abuse.
In defense of my parents, they both grew up in unstable homes too. I will say no more than that as it's their story to tell, but it is an objective truth. Both of my parents wanted to be better parents than they felt their parents had been. And for the most part they were good parents. We were by no means neglected and we were definitely loved. But I think they lacked the skills - having not had it themselves - to really emotionally connect with us. As a child I never felt close to either of my parents. And living among the instability of their relationship further distanced me from them.
Haphazard religion provided an odd focus on some old fashioned ideas regarding gender roles. Growing up on farms, I learned that a woman could do anything provided she came home and cooked and cleaned afterward. And good women kept their hair long. A dominant scary father and submissive, shy mother were my gender role models. And whilst from a young age I rallied to be defined differently, it was difficult to fight my conditioning.
And it was the 80's. I think people may have forgotten how normal it was to just let kids play by themselves back then. In this respect my childhood was no different than that of my peers. In truth, we were even more closely monitored than many kids I knew. And in the country especially, most of the time (I feel) we were safe.
The only times these incidents took place was when there were small opportunistic windows. And they only happened more than once because I never said anything.
* * *
And once something becomes a bit dented it breaks more easily the next time it falls.
Being exposed to sexual things early made me come to expect these experiences as normal*. I had also been groomed my entire life to be a 'nice girl'. I found (and still find) it hard to deviate from this. As a 'nice' teenage girl with early sexual encounters I struggled to understand how to set boundaries in terms of sex. I struggled to even understand my own sexuality, as it always seemed be defined by who I was with. I was a 'nice' girl - lost.
I soon found a solution to that boundary setting problem which meant I rarely had to deviate from 'nice'. I became a serial monogamist. Constantly having a boyfriend meant I no longer had to have those awkward conversations. I could just say 'Sorry, I have a boyfriend'. This was especially helpful as growing up, most of my friends were boys**. Always having a boyfriend meant I could still hang out with my guy mates as mates with no worries. The longest I've ever been single since I was fourteen was for about three months.
Before I came up with that solution however, I tried something else. Hitting puberty before my peers was hard. There were different expectations of me and new interest in me. This was uncomfortable, along with the new feeling of jiggle when I ran. And when things became worse at home and we*** finally left, I started trying to instill my own control with how I ate.
I wouldn't say I was anorexic - my weight loss and outlook were never that extreme. I would say I went through periods of very unhealthy relationships with food.
After cutting so much from my diet that my body started to reject food (uncontrollably vomiting after eating) I freaked out a bit and made a conscious effort to eat more normally. Since then though - up until my mid 20's I had patches of binging and purging, excessive exercising and extreme dieting - each incident sparked by something in my life which triggered a strong urge to control whatever I could. This hasn't been problematic for years, but viewing food as a facilitator of control or pleasure is something that will never go away.
The latest Kardashian cover
Following this, I tried to love the body I was in - curvy. But not seeing this body type reflected on TV or in magazines at that time, I turned to the only outlet that seemed to appreciate women who looked like me - pornography. I watched it. I read it. I drew pictures of it. It wasn't a thing of sexual titillation - it was just the only way I could see women who looked like me 'appreciated' other than in paintings that were hundreds of years old. None of this will have helped me in terms of having realistic expectations regarding my body, sex and relationships.
These days, us curvy ladies have the Kardashians to look up to. But like the women in porno, they are there to sell one thing - sex****. If society idolised women based on their skills rather than their looks we could begin to see a larger representation of women in terms of looks. And the focus would start to shift from what we looked like at all. To me, this is optimal in terms of shifting the focus from women as objects to women as people.
The other thing I realised after posting is that in all my history of this stuff is that I never personally experienced any kind of workplace sexual harassment. Have I witnessed it? Yes, a number of times. But it never happened to me.
I think this is because at work I'm quite a different person. Work has preset boundaries which makes it easier for me to set personal boundaries. Also, I'm kinda bolshy - I'm the person people dreaded having in operations meetings because I would always bring up (important) issues not on the agenda. In the workplace colleagues were (and maybe still are?) a bit scared of me. Consequently, they have never been any kind of sexual threat.
The kinds of women I've seen harassed at work were almost the antithesis of me at work - shy, soft-spoken, or possessing a fragility obvious underneath a staunch facade - this hasn't changed over the 20+ years I've worked. It's horrible. I've seen sexual harassment perpetrated by colleagues, bosses, clients and customers. They purposefully target quieter women as they seem like a 'safe' bet. And in only one instance I witnessed did the victim actually speak up about her experience (I was her boss. We took it to HR. We sorted it).
In every case I have seen (bar one, and I still feel bad about it) I have encouraged these women to speak up. Sadly, not all of them did. I had one workmate who suffered ongoing harassment from customers. I encouraged her to talk to our manager but she didn't want to be a problem. I knew our manager would back her - it was a very caring family business we worked for. Regardless, she was scared she would lose her job. I couldn't speak for her - I understood and respected her position - how could I not? I was in it so often in my own life. But I still felt sad for her.
* * *
I think I could write about this all day every day and still have more to say. But I have to leave it here for now.
I am so grateful for all the people who messaged me - publicly or in private - last week. Mostly because it shows we are starting to open up a dialogue about these uncomfortable things. Because they need to be talked about***** if we are going to understand how to change things to make this a safer place for the next generation.
I am hopeful that the #metoo movement heralds bigger changes. It is hard to see us able to move very far when we still have men in power like Donald Trump. But it's certainly a possibility. I am grateful that at least here in New Zealand a change in government will likely mean changes to our criminal justice system putting the onus on the accused rather than the accuser. At least that's a start.
We still have a long way to go.
* Not exactly relevant to me, but important to note that about 1/3 of women who experience rape before the age of 18 experience rape as an adult (US stats - struggling to get the link to work sorry).
** As a kid I didn't really 'get' most other girls. I generally had different interests, and on hitting puberty early, and becoming even more different, I started to get bullied for those differences. Until I hit my late 20's all my closest friendships had been with dudes, and I'm grateful to still count some of those guys in my close circle today (although also grateful to have met a bunch of fucking amazing women who get me and love me anyway).
*** When I was 14 I left home and my Mum followed shortly after. We then got a small flat in Helensville and Mum and Dad had joint custody of my brother.
**** They do this so they can sell us something else - the Kardashian brand. Because they know that sex sells. From their perspective, it's smart marketing, but unfortunately most of us don't really watch the Kardashians because we appreciate their marketing skills.
***** I don't think that everyone should feel like they have to talk about this stuff. For some people, this may not be helpful to their mental wellbeing. They should not feel like they have to talk about it until they are ready. That is unfair. I am comfortable having this dialogue which is why I do it. Although it may not seem so, there are plenty of things I do not feel comfortable talking about. Yet.
The first thing I want to restate is that my intention with blogging is not to shock. I write to help people feel less alone in their experiences. I mean this generally - not just in terms of last weeks topic. It took going to rehab to come to this realisation myself and it completely changed my life. Because no matter what you've experienced in life, someone else will have experienced it too.
Maybe not down to the infinitesimal details - but the crux will be the same. For me, realising I was not alone helped me feel stronger - like thousands of strangers were standing behind me and propping me up. When I write, I hope to impart this feeling to others. Yes, reading something on the internet is a dilution of living with people like yourself (as I did in rehab) - but the gist is the same. You are not alone. Someone else understands what you are going through no matter how strange or awful it is.
I promise you this.
* * *
The next thing I want to say is that I know my post did shock some people. I'm glad as it means that some people have not had the experiences I have. When I look back at my life objectively it is not an exaggeration to say I was an easy target for this kind of abuse.
- I came from an unstable nuclear family
- My parents came from unstable families
- I had an upbringing focused on the differences in the roles of men and women
- I grew up in an era where it was commonplace to leave kids to their own devices
- I was a fast developer
In defense of my parents, they both grew up in unstable homes too. I will say no more than that as it's their story to tell, but it is an objective truth. Both of my parents wanted to be better parents than they felt their parents had been. And for the most part they were good parents. We were by no means neglected and we were definitely loved. But I think they lacked the skills - having not had it themselves - to really emotionally connect with us. As a child I never felt close to either of my parents. And living among the instability of their relationship further distanced me from them.
Haphazard religion provided an odd focus on some old fashioned ideas regarding gender roles. Growing up on farms, I learned that a woman could do anything provided she came home and cooked and cleaned afterward. And good women kept their hair long. A dominant scary father and submissive, shy mother were my gender role models. And whilst from a young age I rallied to be defined differently, it was difficult to fight my conditioning.
And it was the 80's. I think people may have forgotten how normal it was to just let kids play by themselves back then. In this respect my childhood was no different than that of my peers. In truth, we were even more closely monitored than many kids I knew. And in the country especially, most of the time (I feel) we were safe.
To me Boy reflected how things were growing up in the country in the 80's,
albeit a more extreme reflection than how I personally grew up.
The only times these incidents took place was when there were small opportunistic windows. And they only happened more than once because I never said anything.
* * *
And once something becomes a bit dented it breaks more easily the next time it falls.
Being exposed to sexual things early made me come to expect these experiences as normal*. I had also been groomed my entire life to be a 'nice girl'. I found (and still find) it hard to deviate from this. As a 'nice' teenage girl with early sexual encounters I struggled to understand how to set boundaries in terms of sex. I struggled to even understand my own sexuality, as it always seemed be defined by who I was with. I was a 'nice' girl - lost.
Teen me, my boyfriend and bro crew (faces greyed for privacy.
I soon found a solution to that boundary setting problem which meant I rarely had to deviate from 'nice'. I became a serial monogamist. Constantly having a boyfriend meant I no longer had to have those awkward conversations. I could just say 'Sorry, I have a boyfriend'. This was especially helpful as growing up, most of my friends were boys**. Always having a boyfriend meant I could still hang out with my guy mates as mates with no worries. The longest I've ever been single since I was fourteen was for about three months.Before I came up with that solution however, I tried something else. Hitting puberty before my peers was hard. There were different expectations of me and new interest in me. This was uncomfortable, along with the new feeling of jiggle when I ran. And when things became worse at home and we*** finally left, I started trying to instill my own control with how I ate.
I wouldn't say I was anorexic - my weight loss and outlook were never that extreme. I would say I went through periods of very unhealthy relationships with food.
After cutting so much from my diet that my body started to reject food (uncontrollably vomiting after eating) I freaked out a bit and made a conscious effort to eat more normally. Since then though - up until my mid 20's I had patches of binging and purging, excessive exercising and extreme dieting - each incident sparked by something in my life which triggered a strong urge to control whatever I could. This hasn't been problematic for years, but viewing food as a facilitator of control or pleasure is something that will never go away.
The latest Kardashian cover
Following this, I tried to love the body I was in - curvy. But not seeing this body type reflected on TV or in magazines at that time, I turned to the only outlet that seemed to appreciate women who looked like me - pornography. I watched it. I read it. I drew pictures of it. It wasn't a thing of sexual titillation - it was just the only way I could see women who looked like me 'appreciated' other than in paintings that were hundreds of years old. None of this will have helped me in terms of having realistic expectations regarding my body, sex and relationships.These days, us curvy ladies have the Kardashians to look up to. But like the women in porno, they are there to sell one thing - sex****. If society idolised women based on their skills rather than their looks we could begin to see a larger representation of women in terms of looks. And the focus would start to shift from what we looked like at all. To me, this is optimal in terms of shifting the focus from women as objects to women as people.
The Librarians 'cover' - way more awesome
* * * The other thing I realised after posting is that in all my history of this stuff is that I never personally experienced any kind of workplace sexual harassment. Have I witnessed it? Yes, a number of times. But it never happened to me.
I think this is because at work I'm quite a different person. Work has preset boundaries which makes it easier for me to set personal boundaries. Also, I'm kinda bolshy - I'm the person people dreaded having in operations meetings because I would always bring up (important) issues not on the agenda. In the workplace colleagues were (and maybe still are?) a bit scared of me. Consequently, they have never been any kind of sexual threat.
The kinds of women I've seen harassed at work were almost the antithesis of me at work - shy, soft-spoken, or possessing a fragility obvious underneath a staunch facade - this hasn't changed over the 20+ years I've worked. It's horrible. I've seen sexual harassment perpetrated by colleagues, bosses, clients and customers. They purposefully target quieter women as they seem like a 'safe' bet. And in only one instance I witnessed did the victim actually speak up about her experience (I was her boss. We took it to HR. We sorted it).
In every case I have seen (bar one, and I still feel bad about it) I have encouraged these women to speak up. Sadly, not all of them did. I had one workmate who suffered ongoing harassment from customers. I encouraged her to talk to our manager but she didn't want to be a problem. I knew our manager would back her - it was a very caring family business we worked for. Regardless, she was scared she would lose her job. I couldn't speak for her - I understood and respected her position - how could I not? I was in it so often in my own life. But I still felt sad for her.
Thank you Taylor Swift for outing this opportunistic creep. Straight up workplace harassment.
* * *
I think I could write about this all day every day and still have more to say. But I have to leave it here for now.
I am so grateful for all the people who messaged me - publicly or in private - last week. Mostly because it shows we are starting to open up a dialogue about these uncomfortable things. Because they need to be talked about***** if we are going to understand how to change things to make this a safer place for the next generation.
Thank you Poto Williams
I hope this legislation gets through!
I am hopeful that the #metoo movement heralds bigger changes. It is hard to see us able to move very far when we still have men in power like Donald Trump. But it's certainly a possibility. I am grateful that at least here in New Zealand a change in government will likely mean changes to our criminal justice system putting the onus on the accused rather than the accuser. At least that's a start.We still have a long way to go.
* Not exactly relevant to me, but important to note that about 1/3 of women who experience rape before the age of 18 experience rape as an adult (US stats - struggling to get the link to work sorry).
** As a kid I didn't really 'get' most other girls. I generally had different interests, and on hitting puberty early, and becoming even more different, I started to get bullied for those differences. Until I hit my late 20's all my closest friendships had been with dudes, and I'm grateful to still count some of those guys in my close circle today (although also grateful to have met a bunch of fucking amazing women who get me and love me anyway).
*** When I was 14 I left home and my Mum followed shortly after. We then got a small flat in Helensville and Mum and Dad had joint custody of my brother.
**** They do this so they can sell us something else - the Kardashian brand. Because they know that sex sells. From their perspective, it's smart marketing, but unfortunately most of us don't really watch the Kardashians because we appreciate their marketing skills.
***** I don't think that everyone should feel like they have to talk about this stuff. For some people, this may not be helpful to their mental wellbeing. They should not feel like they have to talk about it until they are ready. That is unfair. I am comfortable having this dialogue which is why I do it. Although it may not seem so, there are plenty of things I do not feel comfortable talking about. Yet.
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