On Mental Health Awareness Week and my Mental Health

Because it's Mental Health Awareness Week I thought I should talk about mental health.  I've talked about this before - but it's always good to revisit as I learn new things over time.

My official diagnosis is PTSD resulting in anxiety, depression and dissociative disorder.  PTSD stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and in my case it's childhood trauma - so I can never  remember a time where I wasn't mentally ill.

I wasn't officially diagnosed until I was 20, but I have been symptomatic my entire life.  When I was  11 I was diagnosed with exercise induced asthma.  Retrospectively, what I was actually suffering from would have been panic attacks.  Kids didn't get diagnosed with mental health stuff back in the 80's and NZ has the second highest rate of asthma in the world, so it was a reasonable assumption.  Even though my peak flows were always off the charts.

How does having this illness affect me in daily life?

Like Masha and the Bear only not so cute...      

Well, sometimes it doesn't affect me much.  Living with mental health issues is like living with a friendly bear.  You live together side by side, most of the time it's just a little uncomfortable because it's a bit weird living with a bear.  But some days the bear just shits in your bed.  And you have to clean it up before you can go to sleep.  And some days the bear totally maims you with its claws and you feel like you will bleed to death and die.  But you don't want to tell anyone because your flatmate is an unpredictable bear.

And you don't always know when those messy days will occur.

Sometimes I know when things are starting to get bad and you I help.  But sometimes I've convinced myself that I'm ok, so I don't.  I have been in and out of therapy for 22 years now and I still don't get it right all the time.  I am sure this is not uncommon.

If only I had a protocol droid

The everyday things I struggle with are social.  I need to know what is socially expected of me to feel comfortable - I wish I had a protocol droid like C3PO at my side 24/7 to help me negotiate my way through social situations.  If I don't know what is expected of me I tend to panic and then shut down - like an overheated engine.  Consequently, I am scared of phoning people I don't know, walking into a situation I have little information about, or trying new (social) things.

This may seem odd to people who know me because I am a social, friendly person.  It's because I like people.  And I am fine in social situations if I know what's expected of me.  That's why I like working in retail - there are obvious parameters for most interactions.  The kinds of things I'm not good at are small talk with parents I don't know, or interacting with tradespeople or going to job interviews.

The other thing I suck at is conflict resolution.  I may seem bold on social media, and in person, but when it comes to actual conflict I freeze.  I have watched myself do it.  When someone touched me inappropriately recently (even after I had told him 'no' insistently) I just froze*.  It's like I'm a deer caught in the headlights.  I don't want to respond this way, but my body physically refuses to do anything else.  It's part of my dissociative disorder.

The other part of this is that I often zone out so much I truly do not see or hear anything outside of my 'zone'.  If I am out of the house, I am usually on a mission - so I'm in my 'zone'.  People have often accused me of 'snobbing' them because I have completely ignored them despite their bids to get my attention.  I'm telling you now, 98% of the time I would have just not seen or heard them at all.  This isn't the greatest for my kids - I have to work really hard on trying to be present for them, but it is really handy for getting work done in a noisy environment, or staying on task to complete a project.  So it's not all bad.

If I am unwell, I will try and manage my survival by procrastination or total avoidance.  I will avoid areas of known potential conflict.  I will not make the phone calls or open my mail.  I won't engage in unpredictable social activities.  When I was extremely unwell at 20 I just stopped leaving my house entirely**.

Sertraline - truly a lifesaver for me      

    

These days I manage my illness primarily with medication.  I take a low dose of Sertraline (the safest anti-depressant for when breastfeeding or pregnant), which is an SSRI that helps balance out my brain chemistry a little.  For me, being on medication means I can actually just live a normal life.  When I came off my meds recently, cashing up at work would often cause me to have a panic attack** even though I'm very experienced and good at this.  Because I was panicking, I would make mistakes.  Taking my medication means I can actually do my job competently without freaking out.

I've heard many misconceptions around antidepression and antianxiety medications - the main one being that it makes people into zombies.  Sure, if someone is on lithium or loads of sleeping meds or a combination of meds then maybe yes.  But in my case it just helps me feel, I guess, like a well person.  This will likely be the same for most people with long mental health histories - over time we have found the right chemical balance for us.  There are many, many different medications out there, and you often have to try several before finding the right one.  Dissociation makes it difficult to feel connected with reality.  It often feels like I am watching everything through plastic, like I'm a voyeur in my own life.  For me, medication helps me feel more connected with the world and consequently, makes it easier to make better decisions***.

I've also heard that it kills your creativity.  Maybe it does for some people, but not for me.  I try and write about something I care about at least once a week.  I photograph birds daily.  I try and have an annual creative project to work toward and look forward to.  Medication actually reigns in my manic tendencies which allows me to have better focus.  And my creative tendencies help me manage my mental health in a productive way.

Consciously engaging with nature daily in a creative way helps me to feel grounded

I do other things to manage my mental health as well.  Medication is the stabiliser, but in order to stay well I need to live consciously.  I try to make sure I have regular time to myself.  I focus on gratitude - daily when I'm not coping well.  I connect with the bigger world outside.  I walk.  I read.  I utilise routines.  I (try to) practice mindfulness.

1 in 6 New Zealanders will experience mental illness at some point in their lives.  And women are 1.6 times more likely to be diagnosed than men.  I don't believe is necessarily because we experience it more.  I think that Kiwi men still struggle to talk about their wellbeing so are less likely to get a diagnosis - I'd say our suicide statistics reflect this.  I am so grateful that we have men like John Kirwin and Mike King working to change this.

If I could impress one thing on those struggling to understand mental illness, it would be that it is a real illness.  We are not just really sad.  We are not just high strung.  We cannot just 'get over it'.  Like managing any illness, we need to visit our Drs regularly.  We need to utilise tools (medication, therapy, changes to lifestyle) to manage our illness.  And living like this is tough.  For some of us we have to live this way for the rest of our lives.  And it's not to feel special, or because we are too lazy to be 'normal'.   Mental illness is not a choice.
No-one would choose this.

But with understanding, patience and compassion you can choose to support those of us who experience it.

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If you think that you, or someone you know may be suffering from mental illness read this.
If you want more ideas on how to help someone suffering from mental illness, read this.

* It was (again) due to social disconnect.  If he were some rando I would probably have kicked him in the balls.  But he wasn't.  He's someone I know who is older and doesn't speak much English, and I didn't know the social convention of how to handle bad touching from an old person I know.

**At that point I didn't think I could cope with any social interactions in an appropriate manner (besides with my Mother) and was terrified of running into people I knew on the street - there was also a high chance of doing that as I was living in the suburb I grew up in where everyone knows pretty much everyone else.

***Because of perceived time pressure leading to awkward social interactions with managers.
 
**** When you don't feel like you actually exist it's very easy to make poor choices.  It's like you're playing a video game and you're curious to see what will happen if you walk into that pit with the spikes.  You know that you can just start over.  Because you're not really dead.  If you don't feel connected with existence to begin with it is difficult to feel afraid of death or of the outcomes of poor choices.