38 weeks...

This is the most pregnant I've ever been and I truly wasn't expecting to make it this far.  Almost every day last week I kept thinking 'this will be the day!' after having been very sure I was having contractions last Monday night.  Well it turns out I wasn't and none of those days were.  I'm just in a constant state of Braxton Hicks and lower back pain that is only tempered by hot baths, wheat packs and bad TV.

This is so different from my first pregnancy.  Last time I had similar symptoms for three days and then my waters broke and (eventually) out came a baby.  I was glad to have a midwife friend tell me it's quite normal for subsequent pregnancies to experience the 'end of days' stuff for longer.  Since then I've pretty much acclimatised myself to just being mega pregnant for potentially a lot longer than expected.  And since I've done that I've started feeling much better about it.

So I have organised so I have some help with Etta almost every day as I am just not physically able to keep up with her.  My hips are really bad so I have difficulty moving and no longer find it easy to get to the bus stop to go for an outing.  I am tired all the time so I'm not the
Achieving great hairdressing feats whilst uberpreg

most fun parent in the world.  Basically a day at home with Mum involves kids TV or Minions and Daddy Gru, stories, playdough, blocks or drawing.  If I'm really energetic we'll kick a ball around in the hallway and have a pillow fight on the bed.  And Etta is way more of an outdoors kid than that so she gets frustrated, which is fair enough!   Hence queuing fun additional family members to take her out to the park, or ride her car up the driveway, or chase birds with.

She is also a bit more full on than usual because she knows that the baby is coming and she is scared.  She's very clingy and we've had some difficult bedtimes, nap-times and over-night-times as well as some EPIC tantrums.  Mum experienced one of her full force ones last week and was a little in shock.  A full on Etta tantrum can involve throwing, hitting, screaming, crying, smashing her head against stuff and can last up to an hour.  These happen due to any number of random things; closing a door, giving her the wrong spoon, turning Peppa Pig on, turning Peppa Pig off - usual story.  There is no comforting her until she is ready to be comforted and that can take time.  She is simultaneously interested in and angry at the baby.  She is keen to cuddle my tummy, and talk about where the baby goes in the new pram, and the bubba bed, but she has also tried to hit the baby because it makes Mummy sore.  We have a lot of quiet cuddle time at the moment.

I've also hit upon that awful thing that is constipation.  I managed to mostly avoid it last time, and had avoided it up until recently because (I think) of the iron injections keeping me super regular.  Now they've stopped (because my levels are much more normal thank you magic butt stab) so has any kind of 'regularity'.  I tried my usual home remedies - eating licorice and prunes and drinking an abundance of lemon water but alas, to no avail.  And when I went to find my laxatives I realised that in my effervescent cleaning spree I had gotten rid of all expired medications, of which these were one.  Thankfully, a friend came to my aid yesterday and dropped something off that has actually worked.  So I will be feeling better soon (but also very glad Etta is at her Nana and Poppa's today as I am currently a bit of a state).

On the positive side of the super pregnant fence, I am now so huge the baby has no room.  That means it cannot smash me full force in the vagina.  This is good because that really hurt and if it were still smashing me like that after a week of thinking it was going to be born, I think I'd lose my fucking mind.  I mean, the baby is still moving and looking like a creepy alien in there, but its head is not hitting my cervix, so I'm good with that.  High five to you baby.  I just hope you can still fit out the door when the party's over.

Because I'm still pregnant and at home I've got a few more of the around-the-house jobs done.  Not the biggest one yet (getting our shed into a less death trappy state) - and our garden is a total jungle, but I can live with that.  And I get an extra pre-baby grocery shop in that I wasn't expecting which means even more pantry preparedness.*  This all feels pretty great, but now I'm at a bit of a loose end.  Maybe I'll actually get some proper rest time in before the baby gets here?  Maybe I'll even knit something for the new baby?  How novel!

This extra time has also, due to a random combination of events, given rise to a new business idea.  A plausible, within-my-particular-skill-set-and-interests, completely new business idea.  So my brain is going a million miles a minute on that and it's all very exciting.  I won't have time or brain room to actually start working on it properly until the new baby is here and our family's sanity has stabilised, but it's something else to look forward to and to play with in the meantime - a new place to stretch my creative muscle.  Watch this space**!

So yeah... super pregnancy does suck but I'm over it sucking.  So I'm doing the thing now that I didn't really did last time - slowing down.  I am still doing the basic, menial jobs of life (dishes, washing, cooking), but I am also reading, writing, thinking and making and enjoying my last windows of total one-on-one time with Etta.  So maybe I won't go completely mental at 39 weeks?  Maybe in another week's time I'll be in a truly zen like state resulting in a fabulously straight forward labour with no complications?  Here's hoping! 

* Yeah, I know it's lame the things I get excited about - but it means another shop of exciting and strange tinned meals that I can select myself!  And I can try those crazy Indian box meals to see if I want more.  Oh, the excitement this brings to my week!
 
** You'll have to watch for a while - but trust me, it'll be worth it.  It's a fabulous plan if I do say so myself and I'm definitely going to give it a real shot.  For those of you who already know Murray and mine's current future business plans I must state this is not at all related.  Sadly we will not have enough capital or time to launch that particular plan for quite some time.  As in, that's the 10+-years-plan or the we've-won-Lotto-plan.  This is the sometime-in-the-next-year-Hannah's-additional-'baby'-more-for-the-love-than-the-money-plan.

On Why Being Critical of Dads is Bad for Feminism

 

Etta having quality 'Dad' time (in the picture to the right he has purposefully dressed her crazy to irk stupid strangers).

So I'm partly ranting because it's Friday, I'm still pregnant, and I want this baby out (drinking ALL the raspberry leaf tea).  And Murray has Etta, thus facilitating the ability to rant.  But I'm also ranting because this subject needs ranting about.

I am constantly surprised by how, as soon as you are obviously fruiting a new human, your life and how you live it, becomes public domain.  As soon as it becomes apparent you will be responsible for a life other than your own you have apparently opted in to becoming a public punching bag.  You have no idea how often I've held my tongue when I really wanted to horrify the general speaking public by saying things like:

'Yep.  I'm pregnant and I'm totally hammered.'
'It's fine, I'm adopting it out.'
'Fuck off you judgmental cunt.'*

As a now parent I kinda get it.  Hormones and experience combine to make you care more about children and the world they live in than in pre-sprog times.  News articles including kids can affect me emotionally.  Sometimes so much so that I friend and I once felt compelled to send flowers to a certain new Mum that was in a high profile court case.  And I am much friendlier to strangers with kids or who are obviously pregnant because I feel that weird affinity that parenthood creates.

But I also know how it feels to be judged on the tiniest things, and how, particularly as a new parent, the smallest comments could make me feel like I was being smashed in the face by a hammer.

And I am angered when I see other parents (or non parents) doing it to my partner.  Or when he tells me this has happened.  Because on most occasions the particular criticism attributed to him is something that a stranger would probably never say to me.  And because this unnecessary criticism happens often.  Which leads me to believe that New Zealanders have little faith in the parenting ability of Dads.

Now this is messed up.  Our particular living situation is of the old fashioned variety; I stay home (I work part time) while Murray goes out to a very grown up job and earns the dollars.  We live like this because since the recession his job and income have been more stable than mine, and consequently he earns much more than I do.  Me going to work is something of a token effort to support our family and Murray, but in truth I work mostly to get out of the house and maintain my sanity.

So Murray's time at home as a Dad is more limited than mine.  Because of travel logistics, he is out of the house around 11 hours a day Monday to Friday which means that he usually gets about 1 to 1 1/2 hours of Etta time a day.  Which is not a lot.  This is not our preference - this is just life.  This limited time means not much time for being a hands on Daddy during the week.  But for over a year now Murray has looked after Etta for at least one full day on the weekend every week, and a couple of weeknights while I work.  He is a great Dad and a very capable parent.  But, much like in the workplace, less time based experience with a particular job can affect your confidence in your ability to perform that particular job.  So working Dads like Murray can be vulnerable to criticism.

When Etta was first born, every word from strangers regarding my ability to care from her stung.  Even if meant well.  I had zero baby experience.  I had changed maybe three nappies in my life and none of the brown variety.  I had never dressed a baby and only twice held one under the age of about two weeks.  Babies terrified me.  At that stage Murray had much more experience in caregiving than I did having previously been a care worker for many years.  He had changed a LOT of (adult) nappies.  And due to my C Section, Murray actually did everything for Etta, besides breastfeed her, for the first week of her life.  And he did a great job.  So I was extremely insecure about my ability to parent.

I think at least some working Dads might feel similarly, purely because they have less of the day-to-day, one-on-one parenting time.  And to receive a bigger beat down on their ability to perform a job, one that they are probably performing perfectly well, sucks when all they are doing is caring for their offspring (you know, those tiny people they are equally responsible for).  Why would anyone want to be an involved parent if every little thing they do is viewed with public scrutiny?

See, I think it's fair that a member of the public say something if they encounter someone neglecting or injuring their child.  Like, if some kid was drowning in a fountain, or going into anaphylactic shock, or about to fall down an escalator, or being publicly whipped.  In those situations, it might be a good idea to say or do something.  However, the times the public have decided it necessary to verbally berate Murray's parenting skills have been predominantly about the following issues:

'Your child is not wearing enough clothes.'
'Your child is wearing too many clothes.'
'Your child is crying.'

I can't see how any of that information is particular helpful.  In the instance of today, it was apparently too hot for Etta to be wearing her hat - probably true.  But it's her 'monster' hat.  It is the first time she has ever shown any interest in wearing hats since she learned she could take them off.  She likes to wear it so it covers her eyes and pretends she's a monster.  It's fun.  And it solves a pending (Winter) dilemma.  Sure, anyone who does not know her will not be aware of this pertinent information.  But she wasn't dehydrated, or passing out, or even pink.  Why make any comment at all?

I think it's because the strangers think they are being 'helpful' to the Dad.  This assumption is extremely unhelpful.  It's the assumption that based purely on someones gender they are an unfit, or at least inexperienced, parent.  A friend told me that a stranger lady physically removed his son from his arms because he was crying.  Because she thought she would be better at handling the situation than he would.  To me it appears she assumed she was a more 'experienced' parent purely because of maybe her age, and because she didn't have a penis.  What she actually did was basically kidnapping, which in my mind is not something most 'experienced' parents (or sane persons) do.  It was extremely traumatic for both my friend and his son.
And she thought she was being helpful.

My gut feeling is also that maybe these strangers feel threatened by Dads.  It's like the bully in the workplace/playground scenario - finding minor fault with something to psyche out an opponent.  Are these stranger women scared of Dads?  Does seeing Dads be Dads remind them of how their Dads maybe weren't?  Or their partners?  Are they mad that their partners aren't more involved so take that anger out on unwitting stranger Dads?  Are they afraid they will lose their place in the world if  Dads are more involved parents?  Or do they think Dads being involved parents is inherently wrong?

What would actually be helpful for everyone would be if Dads were treated the same as Mums.  If it weren't assumed they were incompetent at parenting by dint of their cock.  If people didn't say 'Oh, your husband is such a great Dad' because they did an arbitrary parenting task without complaint.  If people assumed instead that Dads are quite capable of regular parenting tasks and it was normal for them to perform them.  If it were considered 'normal' to be a stay at home Dad.  If people didn't praise involved Dad parenting on the internet whilst assuming the worst of everyday mall Dads doing their thing.

I don't know if everyone quite understands this yet, but the whole point of Feminism is equality.  Equality is a balanced scale.  There are two sides to a scale.  In order for that scale to balance both sides need to weigh the same.  This means not only thinking about our actions/thoughts/words in terms of women, but also our actions/thoughts/words in terms of men.  For instance, if women want equity in the workplace, it means men need equity in the home.  The more equity men have at home (in a heterosexual model), the more support they can offer their partner to maintain their position in the workplace.  It's a two way street.  Until there is more governmental, financial and social support of Dads being valued on par with Mums as parents, we will not have equality.

And that sucks.  While I love being a stay at home parent and do think I'm the best at home option in our situation (because of mine and Murray's skill sets - nothing to do with boobs and dicks and bits) I wish there were more support for Murray as a parent out there in the world.  I wish that parental leave applied to both parents so both parents could get a handle on the most important job they'll ever have.  I wish there were change tables in all men's bathrooms.  I wish people didn't make fun of how Dads dress their kids**.

I don't wish these things solely because they will make my life better (although they would) but because they will make life better for our kids.  Imagine a world where kids could have two visible, involved parents without feeling different to their peers.  Where Dad's can look after their kids over the weekend (or even a Friday night) and not be considered 'pussy whipped' by their mates.
Imagine if it was ok to enjoy being a Dad?

* Just to make things clear, I've never been hammered when pregnant.  I'd just like to see the looks on judgy folks faces if I told them I was.  Like, you think it's bad I've decided to eat hummus and cheese? (even though unbeknownst to you I have researched this thoroughly and made an informed decision)  Well how about this?  BANG!  Foetal alcohol syndrome.  Suck on that rude stranger!

**I wish there wasn't some weird standard for that stuff in general.  We dress Etta in practical clothes that we can get onto her body with as little fuss as possible.  We dress her for play.  We do not dress her to colour co-ordinate outfits.  We dress her in things she likes.  We are great parents purely because we (mostly) get her to wear pants outside.  Because she hates pants and who can blame her?  If she had it her way she would be buck naked all year round.

Gift Ideas for the About-To-Burst or Folk-With-New-Tiny-Humans

In lieu of a baby shower I decided to have a high tea.  Fancy fun with the ladies.

And, of course bragging about making it to 37 weeks.

This is the big milestone as it means that unless anything is otherwise wrong with bubs or me we can attempt the whole labour thing in a way I like most.  I had a Midwife appointment today, and both she and I concurred this baby is big enough to survive on the outside.  I'm measuring stretched to my limit - there is no room left in this uterus.  Bubs is in perfect position for labour and I lost my mucosal plug on Friday night (I think?  It looked like last time, no bloody show, just jelly goo).  So it's all systems go, we're just waiting on the tiny human to make the call.

We've both agreed Friday will be the best day for said sprog to arrive - preferably in the evening because:
1) I want to rest today.  Etta is at her Nana and Poppa's so I can actually sleep and laze.
2) Tomorrow is Murray's Dad's birthday.  Let's not make everything a whole family spectacle.
3) Thursday is Lucy's birthday.  I love Lucy.  I don't want her to have to compete with a baby for birthday party dates/catch ups/time.  It's lame.
4) Friday will mean Murray gets another long weekend!
5) Friday my Midwife is available and, at this stage, not busy.  And she is awesome.  So I want her around me when this baby comes out.

She is so awesome she wrote that the baby will come on Friday on my appointment notes - just to further imprint this reality on my unborn child.  Best.  Midwife.  Ever.  Now do as instructed baby!

Today I was thinking of how different having a second child is to the first.  First time around I was very grateful to have a baby shower and to get educated about things babies need - cos I didn't know diddly.  This time I had High Tea instead of a baby shower.  We got to dress up as ladies and go to Waitakere Estate which has the most awesome retro decor.  And we ate lots of food and drank the bubbly wine and walked the grounds and got to be grown ups talking (mostly) non child things for a few hours.  It was brilliant.  Because this time around my house is FULL of baby things (most of which I understand the function of) and I really don't need much more.  And a break from these things where I put lipstick on is a rare event.

But I do know that some people want to be helpful during what is almost always a stressful time of change.  Or want to celebrate the pending new person so that they haven't missed out on the huzzah the first one got.  So I thought I'd make a list of what, in retrospect, the absolute best gifts for subsequent sprogs/parents of subsequent sprogs would be:

1) Newborn disposable nappies 
Now this won't be for everyone.  We are users of the cloth ourselves, but definitely in the first few weeks (ended up being 6 for us last time with the surprise Caesar and no lifting) disposables make life a lot simpler.  If you are unsure, check.  Parents go through these things like they do coffee, so are almost always in need over those first few weeks. And if they do end up with too many will likely pass them on to someone else in need.  It's the weird thing about becoming a parent - you instantly know a bazillion other people with babies or about to have babies.

2) Coffee 
I think the best present a soul could get Murray over the first few weeks of this newun would be a voucher or coffee card to his favourite coffee place.  Or just a text accompanying a dropped-off-in-the-letterbox-during-crazy-times coffee.  While this may not seem like the best 'family' gift I'd say you are mistaken.  Dad's being kept sane helps the entire family function better.  If Dad doesn't drink coffee, insert some other sanity making favourite here - like beef jerky or beer.

3) Meal type things
I must precursor this with a reminder that not everyone has a giant freezer.  While frozen meals will be fab for some, they may not be for all.  Our freezer is currently packed to the hilt, so while a meal would be much appreciated, it would not be super useful to us right now.  A frozen meal may be more helpful a few weeks down the line.  In lieu of this, meals that keep are also ace.  Like muesli bars (easy to eat whilst breastfeeding) or crazy tinned breakfast options.  If you want to be fancy, quiz your people on where they like to get takeaway foods from, and get them a voucher to said place.  Not always possible, but it's surprising how many places do provide this option.

And dinners are not the only meal.  New Mum's often forget to eat during the day as are so busy it just slips their mind.  And nutrition is important when you're breastfeeding, or not sleeping, or crying a lot, or all of the aforementioned.  So little, easy to grab, healthy foods can be helpful - fruit, muesli bars, jerky, nuts or muffins all make fantastic little thoughtful gifts.

4) Petrol Vouchers
Again, this may not be for all, but if anything goes wrong with the baby or Mum in the first little bit there will be a lot of extra trips into hospital which costs unexpected amounts.  This is also useful for people staying at birthing units out of town.  Or people who need to do more and more frequent late night pie runs.  So probably this is a good idea for many.

5) Babysitting vouchers
I have no idea how hard things are going to be with Etta once the newby arrives, but I imagine it's going to be pretty hard.  Etta currently knows something is up and is mega clingy.  So after bubs is born I will be trying to make sure she knows I still love her very much and not shipping her off to be babysat all the time.  Which will be hard.  So I wouldn't mind if after the first few weeks anyone could spend an hour to maybe sit with the newby so I can do something fun with her.  Just to keep things in check.  Not only will it be very helpful for us, but for those baby sniffers out there it gives you the opportunity to top up your new-baby-smell-memories.  And I'm sure there will be points where we both reach the end of our tether and a rest from our fabulous toddler will be in order.  I'm sure other parents will probably feel similar.

6) Cleaning vouchers
Now this is totally not something I'd want because of my weird anxieties BUT I've heard this is something of use to many normal parents - offer to do the vacuuming or some such thing.  Cleaning plus babies plus other kids = not a lot of time.  And kids = disproportionate amount of mess.  So this would be very helpful for many.  Just not me.

7) Nipple Cream and Bum Balm
As with everything, check to see if this is needed first, but these were things that got used a LOT and will likely need replacing.  I think this will be the same with a lot of families.  These are underestimated necessities.  While we seldom use bum balm with Etta these days it definitely helped both her bum and our patience in cleaning her bum in the early days.  And I can't speak more highly of nipple cream.  It seriously saved my breastfeeding life.  It is not weird to care for your friends nipple health - it is just a sensible way of being caring.

8) Maternity Pads
I know this is horribly boring and gross and not something to think about, but after babies are born ladies bleed.  A lot.  And maternity pads are expensive.  For some ladies this might only last a few weeks and be no big deal, but for me it was more like two months.  And Caesar or no Caesar - we bleed all the same.  For those who haven't had babies it's important to know we can't use tampons.  Not because they will fall out of the large tunnely empty socks that are now our vaginas, but because we are more inclined to infection.  If you want to upgrade on this gift for the early days get some of those big ass incontinence knickers.  I have been paranoid about my waters breaking and ruining my expensive mattress over the last few nights, and can say from experience they are extremely comfy.  And probably quite absorbent.  I haven't had to test that part yet.  All I know is it's hard to go back to regular undies after experiencing the comfort of Poise.

9) Pamper Vouchers
The best present anyone can ever get me (besides lollies, popsicle slushies and Instant Kiwis [the crossword ones are best]) is a massage voucher.  Not to an expensive, fancy type spa in Parnell, but to the mall ($35 for head, neck, shoulders and back and you can have your back done sitting up - handy when you are pregnant).  Mall massages are easily accessible and can be surprisingly good.  You just have to know who has the most magic hands in that particular part of the land.  My mother hates being touched by most humans - so if she had just had a baby there could be no worse present - although a voucher to get her hair did would be perfect.  Maybe you have some pampering skills yourself?  Why not form a babysitting/pamper duo with a friend to come to the rescue with child relief and foot rubs?  Or a manicure?  Or a sneaky glass of vino?  Or all of the above?  And chocolate.  Don't forget the chocolate.

10) A Cheese Sandwich
Immediately following having Etta this was the thing I wanted most in the world - and despite being gluten free at the time, when it was an option (via hospital menu) I took it.  I dropped sandwich on Etta's head.  I did not care.  It was the best damn sandwich I ever ate.*  Now take that feeling, and add to that a sandwich made with love and care by someone you know - not just random hospital staff.  Like, maybe with fresh bread, tasty cheese and a crunchy salad.  Oh.  My.  God.  Is there anything better?  So maybe just make a cheese sandwich to bring around some time.  Or the equivalent awesomeness for vegans or the allergy impaired.  Never underestimate the power of a sandwich.

* It must be noted I was horrendously ill after this, but that could have been from many things.  It's not always the sandwiches fault.

You are probably tired of these pregnancy updates by now, but...

There are only so many fat pregnancy/unborn child photos one can post.  So here's a pic of one we prepared earlier.  Special thanks to my cousin Charlotte for sending me this photo, and also to Alicia Khoo who is a brilliant wedding photographer.

Yay! 36 weeks!

So today was the sizing scan and birth plan day and it was all as good as could be expected.  Actually, even better!

The scan showed that we have a baby in there measuring about a week ahead.  That's cool.  That's pretty consistent with what our Midwife has been measuring via fundal height.  The baby's 'weight' (although I know this is probably total bollocks) is around 6lb 5oz - so if it were born now it'd probably be ok.  All the bits of the baby are in good working order - even the lungs are 'practice' breathing and the placenta is in a good place for labour.  The head is measuring slightly small which is excellent as far as my lady bits are concerned.  And I too have a small head, and I've turned out just fine.*

The best (and most random) part about the scan is that the radiologist told us we were having the opposite flavour baby than what we were told last time.  She then took it back but we don't know whether it was because she spoke too soon, or just because she freaked out for saying the opposite of what someone else had said.  We told her it was perfect, as despite my being so impatient and 'finding out' at the 20 week scan, we will now still kinda get a surprise baby.  We have no preference, we don't have gendered clothing - we just want a healthy baby so it's all good.

Then, as it was Etta's day at her Nana and Poppa's, Murray and I went to brunch.  It was excellent.  Then we played a board game.  I won.  That was also excellent.  Fabulous surprise midweek date-and-baby-planning day.

Then on to see our wonderful Midwife and go through the birth plan.

Basically, provided nothing goes heinously wrong I get to try to have my ideal birthing scenario.  So we'll be labouring at home until I deem it necessary to go into hospital.  When I arrive at hospital I will have fetal monitoring to check all is well with the baby.  Once that's done with and if there's a pool available and if there is no meconium or blood in the waters (if they have broken), I can have another go at water birthing.  We'll have subsequent monitoring if anything indicates we need it, otherwise it'll just be 'fun' pool time for me.  Fingers crossed the planets align for Plan A!

And if things do go a bit wrong, and I end up having to have another C Section all is not lost.  We have made plans for this eventuality too.  Thanks to a friend I read up on the 'natural C Section'.  Many of the things they suggest here also seem to be regular practice at Waitakere as they were definitely part of what happened when we had Etta.  However, there are a few other things from here I have stipulated as wanting if I am allowed - the biggest one for us being having the screen lowered so I can see the baby being born.  I didn't know I could potentially do this last time, and it was the only part of the birthing process I at all felt like I 'missed out' on.

And we've stipulated all our other wants and desires.  MUCH easier this time around having done it before and reading up on all the 'things'.  Most of what we're choosing to do is considered in the realm of 'natural' or 'hippy' - but we've just decided on things that make the most sense to us and statistically provide the best likely outcomes for our child.**

Because the scan showed a very healthy, happy, not-giant-but-smashy baby I am less convinced that I'll go into labour especially early.  Because this kid is obviously quite happy partying it up large in my uterus.  This is only gutting because from around the seven month mark this pregnancy has been quite painful.  By that, I mean being pregnant has me crying in pain most days.

I honestly think some of the Etta smash from the last labour has caused some scarring near my cervix, as every headbutt to the pelvis from this baby is excruciating.  And with it being a super active baby, headbutts are a frequent occurrence - particularly at night.  Etta's movements were sometimes uncomfortable, but never painful.  It's been difficult getting Murray, and anyone else who sees me in this pained state, to believe that nothing is actually wrong - it's just the baby moving and besides taking a bath, or moving my body into a certain position (kneeling on the floor resting my head and arms on the couch - not ideal for entertaining) there is not a lot I can do about it.  It impacts most of all on Etta, poor thing.  She is coping very well with everything considering.  The pain sucks, but hey, that's life.

So like last time I'm hanging in to get to the 37 week mark and then after that I'll be crossing my fingers every day that it'll be 'the day'.  My Midwife doesn't think I'll make full term because of my size, the baby's size and my previous history.  I hope she's right.  I think I'll labour somewhere between 38 and 39 weeks.  Only time will tell.  All I can say for sure is that if I make it past 39 weeks for your own safety, avoid our house like we have The Plague.  And maybe put some beer in the mailbox for Murray.  He will need it.

*                             *                            *                             *                            *

I don't know why I didn't post this when I wrote it on Tuesday - probably cos no photo or something and being an OTT perfectionist.  It's also been a very-tired-and-sore week and my brain is not properly braining.  Anyhoo, it's now Sunday (very confusing with the whole Easter Weekend extra holidays thing) and I still have my fingers crossed for 37 weeks (only two sleeps to go!)  Especially as over the last few days I've been experiencing a whole lot of pre-labour symptoms - a certain one of which has us on a clock of sorts so expecting bubs to turn up sometime in the next week (it could even be two weeks, although after this happened with Etta it was about three days).

So cross your fingers for us for the next 48 hours!  I will cross my legs...

* Feel free to argue this point.

** We're not totally out there.  We are pro Vitamin K but also pro delayed cord clamping.  I wish I had the stomach to eat the placenta because it is totally full of nutrients and a very good idea - but I don't and I know I just can't.  And  putting it into capsules seems almost counter intuitive to me.  So we'll be doing what we did with Etta's and taking it home to bury with a karakia and eventually eat it via whatever fruit grows from the tree planted above instead.

Only five weeks to go!

I've had lots to think about since seeing the obstetrician a few weeks ago.
And thank goodness for Mummy forums and trainee midwife cousins for placating me in the time between that appointment and seeing my Midwife.  Because that appointment really freaked me out.

On seeing my Midwife I have been reassured that the obstetrician was being super conservative (and offering weird advice) and I am entitled to a lot more flexibility in labour than I thought.  Also, the obstetrician's notes for the Midwife were mostly unreadable (she had even passed it around the practice and NO-ONE could read a huge chunk of it), so I had to go over the entire appointment on seeing my midwife as the obstetrician has not yet re-sent readible notes.  This was actually good as meant we could clear some stuff up - and have some stuff explained as I didn't fully realise some things that were important either.

So while I'm happy to get the size scan (next week)* I'm gonna go my own way on a few of the other things.  Cos for me, if I can't have a vaginal delivery in a situation I find at least marginally comfortable, then I may as well have a C Section.  Cos fuck another 17 hours of labour but entirely in hospital under monitoring.  Yes it means a longer recovery, yes breastfeeding may be tricky and yes, this labour may not be as long as the last.  But if it is, 17 plus hours of hospital labour? Sorry, just not worth it to me.

So the plan now is that unless anything is obviously wrong, I will stay home until I feel like I need to go into hospital, or my contractions are at the usual point where you would go into hospital.  I do not feel this significantly endangers me or bubs because we live about a ten minute drive from the hospital (we have made this journey a few times now).  I know ten minutes can make a difference between living and dying, but I'm pretty sure from what I've read there will be other indications I need to get to hospital before things become that dire.  Last time I laboured at home for about 11 hours before going in.  I cannot imagine having to spend that much time labouring in hospital.  And do they have TV and Michael Keaton's Batman in hospital to labour to?  Unlikely.

So apparently the complete opposite is true of an epidural from other practitioners standpoints ie: they prolong labour and increase some other risks so I feel very happy with my decision to be epidural free unless I have to have another Caesar (as is my Midwife - nice to be on the same page).  I don't like giant spine needles.  And I would rather have a quick labour than a drawn-out-can't-move-stuck-in-a-bed-waiting-for-baby-time.  And epidurals increase the chance of requiring fontuse or forceps aided delivery, which I'd really like to avoid (just cos baby heads are squishy - I'm scared to touch them - I'm even more scared of sucky or pointy things touching them).**

And the water birth thing - apparently still possible and my Midwife is totally supportive.  So if I make it past 37 weeks and there is a pool available I'm gonna be all up in it.  Because whilst I've been told I will require constant fetal monitoring, again, this is optional.  Obviously if, at the time, either myself or any professional person thinks this is a bad idea we won't do this.  But at this stage I hope to negotiate monitoring every few hours so I can enjoy bath time once more.  Because I found labouring in water so much easier than not.  Water calms me.  Water enabled me to dilate from 4cm to 9cm in under an hour.  Water is the shiz.

*                              *                             *                                     *                             *                       

As for the non-technical day-to-day of things I'm feeling generally pretty bollocks.  Whilst I had an AMAZING weekend and lovely Monday, days have gotten less shiny over the last few days.  Things are generally more painful than they were last time, but I think that's mostly due to this baby being ridiculously active.  I have had to take pain relief to cope with the internal boxing this little one is doing in there just so I don't cry every night (super awake from 6pm - 9pm) and manage to get some rest.

While my hips have been better than last time, it's just at that point where I am very heavy, and that is naturally taking it's toll.  I woke up with numbness down one leg this morning - sounds bad, but it's just something that sometimes happens with hip displaysia so more annoying than anything.  I have physio tomorrow so hopefully that will sort things out a bit.

I do think we're coming into the home stretch.  After how bad things were yesterday Murray predicted we'll have a baby by Sunday.  I think that's pushing things a little.  But I do think it'll be some time in the next few weeks.  There are a few things happening now that feel very similar to during the week before Etta was born: excessive carbo loading, overactive bowel (probably just cos of the carbs), pubic bone pain so bad I sometimes can't walk, sore lower back and period like pains. And (different to last time as didn't get these), Braxton Hicks with any physical exertion ie: getting up.  And my freezer is tidy and has enough meals in it to survive at least a week.  These things are definitely sending me into an early state of Hermitage and making me envisage a baby on the not-so-distant horizon.

Luckily for me I have a lot of family support and have finished work.  I have someone helping look after Etta (or taking Etta away for a bit) every day besides Wednesday's and Thursday's - and there is always someone on call to help out those days if needed.  I want this baby to cook a little bit longer.  35 weeks is a fab achievement, but as I said above, I'd love to make 37 and get another crack at this natural water birth thing. 

So fingers crossed for a fairly average sized baby at next weeks scan!

*cos it's not that intrusive or difficult to get to (I go to a place literally 2km from my house), and if I am carrying a giant baby and it is going to increase risks in labour I do want to know.  Mostly because it's quite likely the baby will be posterior again (I found out this is also far more common if you are a short arse like me, and Etta was, and this one currently is) and that plus big = particularly hard times.  In saying that, I've just read multiple accounts of sizing scans being notoriously unreliable (like, out by up to 2 pounds unreliable).  So they're going to have to present me with some elephantastic type size before I go yeah yeah nah on the VBAC thing and yeah yeah yeah on the celebrity style C Section.

**Please know I do not judge women who choose these things - they just freak me out, so I don't want them.  And I have had an epidural as had to prior to the C Section and it was a total lifesaver in that instance.  But if I can avoid having one in future then I totally will!

Tips on working sole-charge when preggers

This is mostly just going to be applicable to those of you working in retail - or any customer service where you have to deal with random members of the public alone at various hours in varying states of disrepair (due to parasite/baby sucking all life from you so it can emerge a functional human and you can emerge a hollow husk of a human).

And while I do adhere to most of these tips (hence giving them), some of them are things I wish I were better at doing.  So this post also works as a reminder to myself as to what I should be doing cos pregnancy brain/tiredness/complacency often prevents me from doing basic smart people things.

1: Be Prepared.
This scouting/girl guide motto is basically useful for life.  Go Baden Powell!
If you have morning sickness it means ensuring you have things to help manage this - chips, dry crackers, water, ginger tea, anti nausea tablets - whatever works to help get you through.  Also, a bucket.  Just in case.  If you have regular food cravings, ensure that craved food is on hand so you don't go insane from the craving and run around screaming and pulling out your hair.  And consequently lose your job.  If you are like me and have hip displaysia or chronic back pain it means not forgetting to pack your brace (if not wearing it) and pain killers and to do exercises to aid the prevention of pain as often as possible whilst at work.

I also pack chocolate.  This, I consider a necessity.

2: Make Lists and Set Reminders
I get bad pregnancy brain.  Really bad.  This is attestable by Murray, my family and my boss (and previous boss).  Last time I was pregnant I locked the bathroom keys in the toilet not once, but at least four times.  This time, I have left my keys in our front door when rushing in and out before work.  My work key is on that key ring.  I couldn't get into work... (Murray kindly raced in and dropped my keys to me).  I have also mixed up my shifts and made things awful for everyone purely from missing simple things cos baby brain (both these things being things I have never done when not pregnant).

Anyway, because of this I write lists for everything both at home and at work, so I don't forget to do important things, and can also get a sense of achievement every time I cross something off.  So at work I have a 'jobs' list which is a list of things I want to achieve that day.  And at home I have what is usually a 'housework' list which also contains the activities we're doing that day, and any personal things I want to achieve.  And I put all my rostered shifts (and appointments) into my phone with a reminder that goes off that morning so I can't screw things up.  And while I can't write a list that will stop me doing dumb things, I can minimise what those dumb things are using lists and reminders.

3: Pee Whenever You Can.
This mostly applies to further along in pregnancy when your bladder space in being seriously impinged upon by pending sprog.  Sometimes in sole charge retail it's quiet and you can pee freely.  And sometimes it's not.  Sometimes you cannot pop out to take a slash for four or five hours - or even longer.  And what's worst about this is that you seldom know when this will happen.  So even if you don't need to go, if you haven't peed in about half an hour, take an opportunity to pee.  You never know if it will be the last for some time...

4: Eat Whenever You Can.
Obviously this isn't applicable to you if you feel like any food is going to make you spew.  But, if this is not you, and you are trying to practice the healthy pregnancy eating thing of small meals regularly - then do it.  Eat when you can.  I try to pack multiple small easy-to-eat snacks, and one 'proper' meal thing.  I may not eat everything.  I pack with the assumption that I'll eat what I need to, and it's better to pack too much then not enough.  A usual lunch or dinner consists of: a yoghurt, a couple of pieces of fruit, some nuts, leftovers that are easy to eat and a sweet treat to get me through (chocolate medicine).  If it's busy I can still easily shove half a banana or a handful of nuts or a piece of chocolate into my face-hole to get me through to a less busy time (or sometimes home time).

5: Rest As Much As You Can
Most workplaces understand pregnant women shouldn't be on their feet 24/7.  And if you are already a Mummy with chillen's underfoot at home it's a good time to take the opportunity to possibly sit on your arse for a change.  So you should have a chair nearby to sit down and rest when you can.  Because I am short I often kneel on a chair and type and do computer work if I'm feeling sore.  Or put the returns through whilst sitting (good to rest after bending down a lot to retrieve DVD's from returns box).  If your boss won't let you have a chair to rest on sometimes, they're an asshat.

6. Know Your Limits
If you can financially afford to, and are feeling balls a lot, try and limit the shifts you are on for - or limit/avoid the shifts that are usually busy (for me that's Friday/Saturday nights).  I know this is not always possible - but find out what is.  Small changes can make a big difference to how you feel.  And feeling better translates to doing your job better - so it's in your boss's/supervisors/managers best interest to aid you in this.  This also means knowing your limits on the job.  So if an hours vacuuming is too hard on your back - compromise and just do what you can.  Let your boss know.  There are usually other things you can do that are equally helpful.

7. Play To Your Strengths
As a direct follow on from the above - if aspects of your job are getting difficult or painful, or impacting on your general well being, offer to do more of what you are good at that doesn't hurt you.  I consider myself fairly fab at customer service, so continue to go the extra mile there.  And as the only 'Mum' at work, do all the random (but not too strenuous) cleaning and organising jobs around the store that no-one else seems to notice need doing.  There will always be plenty of things you are still great at, so even if you feel bad you can't do some things, try to focus on what you can do and do it well.

8. Accept Offers Of Help
This is the tip I am personally the worst at, and it applies to life in general regardless of how pregnant you are.  If someone offers to grab that thing off the low shelf for you to prevent you having to bend over - let them.  They will feel as uncomfortable as you will watching you attempt to do an uncomfortable thing.  There are still a lot of lovely, kind people out there - accepting their help recognises that it's good to help people and encourages more of it.  It doesn't mean you're a totally useless human being.  You're growing another person!  It's hard and important work!  It's building the next generation of people that may be kind and help other people out when they're in a jam (hopefully).*

9. Keep Safe
I always have to remind myself of this one.  In situations that are potentially dangerous I tend to forget that I'm pregnant and just act as I usually would.  Retrospectively, that's not smart.  A little earlier in my last pregnancy I triaged (airways/recovery position/checked pulse/called ambulance) a woman overdosing on the street outside of my work.  While the situation was fine (although frustrating as she came to and wouldn't wait for an ambulance which she desperately needed as was oxygen deprived and had an infected site wound), it may well not have been and I put my unborn child at risk.  There were other people around.  I could have asked for help (although in this case no one seemed to even have basic first aid skills but me).  While situations like that don't come up all the time, similarly unsafe things do happen, and I have to remind myself I should handle them differently and keep my person out of harms way.

Equally, keeping safe means paying attention to your body and health - if you are worried about baby's movement it shouldn't matter that you are at work and feel bad about leaving - call your midwife.  I ended up missing my last day of work last time around as went straight from the previous days shift to hospital and had to stay there.** It sucked.  I wanted to say goodbye to a lot of my regular customers who were coming in to see me, but I needed to be in hospital.  That's life.

If your trek to work from home is getting too tricky (if you bus/walk everywhere like me), see if you can change that route to cater better for your  health.  I now catch a more direct route home.  It comes later, so I get home later, but it cuts a 1.5 km walk through unlit streets down to a 0.5 km walk down the street I live on.  Much safer and easier on the hip.

10. Let Go
If you have a really patronising dick-of-a sales rep that is awful to you on a regular basis, now is the time to pregnancy rant at them and call them on their behavior.  The hormones made you do it!  Just don't mortally injure them and you should be ok.  If you think a certain way of doing something is ridiculous it may be a good time to bring it up with your boss.  Loudly.  It'll probably be good to have an alternative to offer at the same time though otherwise you'll just look like a dick.  Then cry.  Then apologise.  Scary pregnant women get things done!  If a customer tells you you are too pregnant to be at work you can probably tell them to go fuck themselves.  And besides, they were a jerk to you first.  If you want to cry at the trailers for some movie with puppies in it go for it - most people will leave you to your scary puppy cry.

It's probably not advisable to do all of these things in one shift at work.  Maybe just try one of them some time.  Only if you really feel like it.  Pregnancy may be one of the few times you can get away with not being the perfect people pleasing smileaholic required at all times at work because everyone knows pregnancy makes regular people mental.  Go on.  Yell at a stranger today.

* And, if you are far to the right of political things, we are also building the next generation of tax payers who will  pay for your retirement - which you may also deem to be of importance (if you are smart).  Parents are important ya'll!  Respect!

** I got a UTI and my contractions started at about 35 weeks.  It was painful and disconcerting, and there was a chance I would go into labour.  I didn't.  She stayed put for another week and a half.

On Pondering a VBAC*

So I had my obstetrician appointment on Tuesday and was overwhelmed by information.

Mostly because I'd been in this Hannah-daze where I just figured having a baby naturally was no big deal.  I hadn't researched it at all, cos I naively figured there was nothing to it.  I figured the hoohaa about VBAC was to do with ladies being traumatised by their emergency C Sections (fool!)  So although I am allowed a VBAC (yay?) I came away a little shell shocked by stats and rules and numbers.

The main scary stat being that 1 in 200 VBAC's end up in uterine rupture.  And that's just the stats if everything is straight forward.  That's not including the increased risks if:

1) You have to be induced
2) The baby is large
3) You fit into a high risk category (I tick at least two of the high risk boxes)

I don't want my uterus to rupture.  I had never considered this ever being something that could happen to me.  I've had enough experience with almost exploding organs to not be so keen on having that happen to anything else.  And sure, that's a 0.5% chance, but given how many times I've been the random 0.0054 something percent thing that goes wrong on so many occasions - I don't trust me to not be that 1/200 person.  There are many reasons why it's good to have a uterus, even if you don't need to use it any more.  Even as just a place marker, it's really important - trust me.  I'd really like to keep mine if possible please.

And then she told me all the 'rules' around VBAC:

1) You must go to hospital as soon as your waters break, or your contractions are a few minutes apart.
2) You must have a line in once you get there.
3) If I go over, I go Caesar (cos higher risk again)

They sound like small things, and they are very practical things but they also make me have to completely rethink how I plan to labour.  Cos line in generally means no water birth.  And, having previously experienced both, labouring in water is way easier than labouring outside of water.  And it's recommended you have an epidural to increase your chances of not ending up in an emergency C Section.  Fuck that.  I'm good with needles but I don't like them near my spine.  It's just one of my things.  That was the worst part of the C Section last time.  But it ups your chances of success (70%) by something like 10% because you are less stressed and comfortable.  And there's still a 30% chance of failure - so if you're that guy you have to get an emergency C Section after all that suck not-in-the-water style labour.  Suck.  Stupid damn stats!

I don't think I'm gonna go over though.  So I'm not too fussed about that.

Also - and this was actually interesting to learn - babies positioning is not always just random luck or not doing the right yoga all the time.  It can be affected by the shape of your uterus or other genetic factors.  Etta was posterior and face first which is why she got stuck.  I was also born face first (naturally).  My Mum was also born face first (naturally).  None of these labours were simple.  Grandma 'saw the white light' whilst having Mum, and Mum had massive problems in labour and post birth with me.  I was the lucky one having the C Section.  So it's totally possible this baby will try to come out face first too (but equally, it may not).

So after learning all this stuff, I can fully see why so many women opt for an elective Caesar following an emergency one.  WAY less complicated than VBAC.  You get given a date.  You can tell your family and friends and husbands boss.  You can find somewhere to store your toddler while you're in hospital.  You don't have any pain (usually) beforehand.  It heals much easier than an emergency C Section and you get handed a baby at the end like magic. Ta da! 

The downsides are you still have to recovery from a major surgery whilst looking after a newborn.   And it's major surgery, so there is always a risk involved.  Also, any future pregnancies must be delivered by C Section (cos uterine rupture stats increase again).  I don't want to have any more kids so not my problem, but still, something to sway other folks.  Also, just more scar tissue in your body, which is not really great.  Cos scar tissue complicates everything (like causing uterine rupture).  Also, more drugs for your baby (this had no impact on us last time, but something to consider).

What was also quite humorous was having this professional obstetrician lady stare at me and say - 'You look big.  I think your baby is big'.  I told her I've been measuring totally normally but she gave me that look like, no, there's no way.  So she measured me.  I'm measuring totally normal.  More normal than with Etta.  It's just an optical illusion.  I am a short arse (quite.  5th percentile).  I am carrying an average sized baby (50th percentile) ergo I look 'big'.  But I'm not big.  So shame on everyone.

In spite of saying in a recent post that I didn't care what size this baby is, apparently I should.  Because I had a C Section last time, and because of all the risk factors blah blah, I have to have a 'sizing' scan at 36 weeks.  Based on that scan if the baby's EBW (estimated birth weight) is 4kg or more (8lb 13oz) then I have to have a Caesar.  To be honest, I'm good with that.  Equally though, I doubt I'll make it to term.  I had a gut feeling last time and I have the same again.  I reckon I'll pop somewhere between 36 and 38 weeks.  I just have to wait and see.  Not long now...
                                                                                                                                                
                                                                                                                                                                      This is not big.  This is totally normal.  Shame.                                                                                        
*                                   *                                    *                                   *                                    *

So I totally freaked out a bit after that appointment.  Subsequently I've asked other people (via my fab Mummies group) about their experiences with VBAC, and spoken to my awesome trainee midwife cousin about her thoughts on it.  And, of course, talked to Murray about it.  I haven't seen my Midwife yet, but I trust her to provide me with even more information and her thoughts and feelings on it cos she is awesome.

All of these things have been super helpful.  While I did hear some horror stories via my Mummies forum I expected and needed to hear these**.  And for the most part people were quite positive about their experiences.  My cousin is also in favour, but reiterated how important it was to make the right decision for me.  And that there was some flexibility within 'the rules' (very important to me).  I know for some women (via forum and general discussions) it's important to deliver naturally as they felt robbed of this with their initial C Section.  I don't.  I felt totally ok with what happened last time, so I don't feel any strong need to 'rectify' this the second time around.  However, I do like the idea of getting to know my new baby without having just had major surgery.  That would be pretty cool.***

The best thing is that no matter what I decide, I can change my mind at almost any time (probably not once I'm in labour).  So bearing that in mind, it seems most logical to me to choose VBAC (without the epidural thanks).  There's less pressure and stress having to book a Caesar than having to unbook one.  And in the meantime there are many resources to peruse to aid in my decision.  And hey, come 36 weeks they might find a whopper in there and the decision will be out of my hands.  And that'll be ok too.

* Vaginal Birth After C Section

** In a forum of almost 2500 women who (mostly) have been through labour, with stats of 1/200 there are gonna be some women who've had a uterine rupture.  And they will likely also be the people who are most likely to comment on a post about VBAC (cos that's hella traumatic).

*** Equally, secretly the planning part of me would love to have a date.  So convenient!  No labour planning required.  Just get up one day and go 'hey baby, I'm going to see you today' and have a lovely ride into hospital without being in contractions.  And Etta can go get an icecream with my Mum and then hey presto - there's the new baby!  She can come and meet it.  And I can dress nicely and look like celebrities do when they've just had a baby (rather than like someone who's just survived Texas Chainsaw Massacre).