On Having A Busy Brain

Man I wish I could be like some of the people I know!

Me as a cadet... Photo taken by local reporter

I wish I could just choose one or two creative endeavors and just buckle down and be amazing at them.  It's never a thing I have been able to do.  Even at high school I struggled to balance school work with Cadets, a part time job*, a boyfriend, school plays and other extra curricula activities.  During my first year at University I also worked three jobs - concurrently, and managed a social life.  My life has always been more hectic than life seems like it should be.

But now I'm starting to rise from the sleep-deprived haze of parenting small children, I'm realising that aside from the kids, my life will probably always be hectic.

I wish this was not the case.  Because it's just logical to me that if you direct a good chunk of your time, thought and energy into one place then you will have more experience behind you to become really good at that thing.  Regardless of what that thing is.  Especially if it's something that's interesting to you (why would anyone bother with anything else?).  Whether it's parenting, or breeding roses or swimming.  Focus usually gets results.

And if you are focused on that one thing, when you aren't thinking about it your brain can maybe have a rest.  Watching a movie is relaxing.  Computer games are relaxing.  Reading is for fun, and maybe also relaxing.  Maybe when your brain has exhausted its focus on that one thing it will allow you to sleep at night.  And that would ensure you had more energy to refocus on that thing in the morning.

Me having a compulsory kanikani in the booth on Family Feud.  So fun!

I have never had focus.  And up until recently, I was fairly sure this inability to do just one (or two) things was a coping mechanism.  Always busy.  Seldom (but sometimes**) in the spotlight.  Excited about the prospects of multiple projects.  Happily rushing along wherever life has taken me.  And maybe this idea is right.  It makes sense given my background and mental health history.  But I recently started to think if maybe I'm supposed to be like this.

Grandin's books are always an interesting read

I've been reading a lot of Temple Grandin lately (after having enjoyed some other books on animal psychology) and am currently reading one of her most recent books on autism (as well her work with animals she is also very well known for talking about and investigating her own autism).  And it made me start thinking.  Obviously, initially about Etta, because despite this not being her diagnosis there are many things she shares with folk with ASD (in particular sensory issues, fixations and difficulty managing her own feelings).  But also in reading a generic checklist of sensory issues, I realised I tick a lot of boxes myself.

I think most people will probably relate to some of the issues.  But when I went through Grandin's list (very helpfully accompanied by management techniques) I realised there were two sections where I either struggled, or still struggle, with more than 50% of the things on the list (auditory processing and olfactory).  And this helped me realise how I crave over-stimulation: I struggle with quiet (usually have mindless TV in the background to soothe my mind), I have a slight obsession with foods and smells, I struggle to just sit still let alone stop talking.  I talk to myself constantly.  When I reflect on this It's not hard to see why I struggle to focus.  A constant hum seems to help me navigate the world but it's also very distracting. 

Patchwork - one of my favorite two player boardgames

So now I am considering that some of us are destined never to be great at one thing.  Because some of us can never just sit down and do one thing.  I have never been able to pick one creative endeavor I love more than any other.  I love writing.  I love cooking.  I love singing.  I love reading.  I love gardening.  I love drawing.  I love designing/making books.  I love photography.  I love animals and wine and board-games and knitting and film.  I cannot choose any one of those things that I love above any other.

And sometimes when I start working on one thing (knitting) it will automatically make me want to do another thing (making jam) because something about it will remind me of the other thing.  And then something about that thing (the colour of jam) will make me think about another thing (painting, or glass work or planting seeds) and then I will be off on a new tangent of passion.

Attack of the Karate Devils (2006) Knitted Painting

If someone asked me what my greatest talent was I would tell them that it was my ability to make connections between things.  Many aspects of education were simple for me because I remembered facts easily and could fit ideas together naturally.  And the reason I did well in writing essays was my ability to connect seemingly disparate things with ease.  It has aided me in everything - whether through making links between knitting and pixels, understanding how to structure layered incentive programs or writing info sheets for varying basic gut health issues.  Every one of those things came down to me connecting the dots.

So I think maybe I am not meant to be good at one thing.  Maybe I am meant to be interested in many things and use those varied interests to make connections.  Maybe those connections will somehow, at some point in time, be useful in some way.  Maybe they already are and I just don't know because my skill is not to recognise usefulness, but to just make connections.

I guess this is a form of self acceptance - I hope so.  I hope I'm not just excusing poor mental health management techniques.  I hope accepting being like this is ok.  And I think probably it is.  What I am working on now is creating structures so that I can at least get to the end point of creative endeavors rather than leaving them cluttering up computers and cupboards.

Plum and Crab-apple Jelly - just gorgeous!

I think most of the reason I prefer working collaboratively is that I have other people to answer to.  Being so far from my tertiary days in both time and life, collaborating with others is now trickier.  So I've started delegating people to be my 'boss' on certain projects so I can set deadlines that I (choose to) believe has an external affect.  They don't even have to do anything, read or see anything - they just have to pretend they're my boss so it creates the illusion that my self enforced deadlines matter.   

I've started setting short term, mid-term and long-term creative goals so that each year I can explore something exciting, whilst still plodding away at a constant practice (currently that's my Suburban Birds project), while having room for quicker turn around projects (jam, baking, crafts).

I'm hopeful that this will help me feel less envious of my talented peers.  And I'm hopeful that while I do not imagine my brain will ever not be busy, maybe instilling a little more order will help me feel calmer, and more able to watch movies for fun.

* OMG I loved this job so much.  It was just a cafe job but it truly has shaped me as a human being in so many ways that I am still grateful for it over 20 years down the track.  I am still so grateful for that time, and the people I met during that time, and how they grew me into who I am now.  It forged my love of cooking, food and counting money.  Cheesy I know, but still very true.

** When mental health allows it.  I love doing little bits of film, tv and ad work and love love LOVED being on Family Feud (have always wanted to be on a game show!)  I have been featured in varying publications over time for so many different things - advice on IBS and gut health, singing, making art, cadets.  Admittedly most of that has been about time and place though.  And dressing like a hipster before 'hipster' was a term is something that gets you noticed..

On art or not to art

 

                                            The art of Robocake                                                              The art of DIY apothecary

 The art of fridge display

So, you know how recently I posted about Etta sleeping through the night and me having time to do more fun stuff?

Well, that was short lived as Etta's had a cold for about a week and her sleep has reverted to waking two to six times a night.  Babies huh?  Can't live with 'em, can't continue the human race without 'em.

And before that happened, I made a decision to take part in something to help encourage me to try and be more creative.  So I thought the perfect place to start was with the 100 Days Project.  Back in my prior life as an art student, many of my earlier projects (2nd year painting) were focused around the repetition of a certain thing daily (or hourly) in a set time frame.  So this appeals.  Also, the scope is broad enough that I can pretty much make it work for me.  Initially, I set my sights low (make and photograph a cup of tea a day - talking about the importance of self care), but then decided it wouldn't really push my brain much, so I've decided to be just slightly more ambitious.

I argue with myself a LOT over whether to make art or not in general.  In light of having made a person, it now seems trite.  I stopped writing poetry because it just seemed lame.  Please don't take offense my poetry peoples I'm just being honest.  Post-Etta I'm just not in the head space to write apart from stuff like this.  It just doesn't make sense to me any more.  It may be temporary.  And it's not writers block, it's a gut wrenching aversion to writing poetry (as in if I try, I feel like puking on myself in shame).

And making art feels similar, but not the same.  There is still fun in 'making' for me, but there is no fun in 'wanking'.  By this I mean I enjoy the act of doing and creating, but I have absolutely no desire to put it into a social framework, or seriously look at art that does that.  This is not just cos I have no brain (although I'm sure it's a part of it), but also that I'm finding it hard to dedicate thought to something as esoteric as fine art.

Because at the moment, my life is too basic.  It is about eating, sleeping, working, surviving.  And with an election coming up, and even The Lego Movie taking the piss about NZd's poverty situation (right around 1.27, sorry, couldn't find a shorter clip), I feel like I have bigger things to worry about than whether people can view my knitted vibrators within the context I've created around them.  And I'm not one of those romantic people who think that art can change the world (sorry, I'm an asshole).  I'm more of a food sharing on social media type.  I'm a teach-people-how-to-grow-and-cook-food type.  I'm more a lets-change-the-world-by-voting-and-actions-and-education type.  And I knit vibrators.  That's not going to help with the poverty.  Trust me. 

I still enjoy art discourse, and am grateful I am still a little in the loop with being lucky enough to contribute to Ngaio Rue's Rework (which I encourage you all to read and comment on).  But it's hard for me to see it's validity in the same way as I did pre-Etta.  Most of my brain is dedicated to deciphering Auckland's ridiculous weather patterns in order to get nappies dry, and how to distract a baby while you cut it's claws, and working out meals we can all eat, and budgeting, and if I do X many hours of extra work what cool family thing can we do.  Which probably seems banal and boring.  But I guess I like being banal and boring.

I think that many people post art school with borderline practices, or non practices still feel this pressure to create.  I have spent a little time trying to reconcile this myself having dedicated four years to study, and much time to exhibition organising, writing, crafting and zineing since.  But the conclusion I've come to is that I utilise all these things, and all these aspects of me in my daily life, so I don't feel like I need (much of) another outlet.

I make up (and sing) stupid songs.  I build cool stuff with blocks.  I make yum (and pretty) foods.  I bake.  I play Etta's xylophone.  I work out creative ways to manage exhaustion (ie: fueling on coffee and sugar and bad films to stay awake - not hugely different from art school except that coffee used to be booze).  I engage in discourse around pirates with the Wiggles.  Basically, my life is just one giant arts party.

But I guess most of that party is being thrown for someone else.  Maybe.  I'm not totally sure on that one.  But it will probably be good for my brain if I try and focus some of that creativity on something a little more 'real world art'.  As practice.  For if I want to rejoin the grown up world some day.

So watch this space... I promise you there will be fun things to follow.  The only hint I'll give you as to what form my 100 Days Project (which starts on Friday) will take is this: DGIAE...

to be continued...