So I came up with this list after trying to find a few things to top up Abby's birthday presents. I'd done most of her birthday shopping before lockdown, so this wasn't necessary. But like most parents I wanted her fifth birthday to feel special. Especially given the situation. Soon I found myself sucked into the online shopping hole, and while I didn't find much for Abby*, I did become obsessed with finding the least essential 'essentials' available.
This has taken me some time as it's a tricky thing to do. What we deem essential is actually quite personal. Things I find frivolous may be considered a necessity by some. And while the government has clarified, what they've deemed 'essential' is still quite broad. And while some retailers have really considered each and every item they've included in their 'essentials' range**, others have taken a much looser approach.
10) Baby Bunny Romper (Postie Plus)
Coming in at number 10 is this velour baby bunny romper. This was the only thing on the Postie Plus website I thought pushed the boundaries on 'essential'. Yes, it is cute. Yes, it is warm. Yes it is well priced. But are there more practical warm options you can buy for a baby? Yes. Now I love me some velour, but it is way less breathable than cotton or merino. And cos babies can't regulate their temperature like us grown ups they could easily overheat in this outfit. Sure, you can take some cute Easter pics, but when we're on lockdown due to a pandemic that is killing tens of thousands of people, is that really so important? I guess this bunny romper helps bring a sense of normalcy to some folk. I get that. I think bunnies are cute, but I also think dressing babies up to get attention is a little exploitative. I know many will debate me on this. This is why I have carefully placed this at number 10.
9) Durex Bullet (Mightyape)
I expect equally as much disagreement here. This gem, like the majority on this list, comes to us courtesy of Mightyape. While I can see this might be a great time for getting jiggy for some, it's hard to justify this as 'essential' when it's function can be carried out manually. I don't feel like this about all 'adult' items. I think lube is very essential. It reduces friction which reduces condom breakage, and uncomfortable chafing. Lube prevents unwanted pregnancies, STI's and pain. Lube is basically medicine. But vibrators? The only argument I can come up with is that it may reduce depression rates in solo bubbles. Or pregnancy rates in flatting bubbles. I mean, these are both valid arguments which is why this bullet only makes it to number 9.
8) Play Table and Chairs (Farmers)
So while you can't buy actual furniture right now, for some reason it's totally ok to still buy tiny furniture for tiny people. I mean this is not essential baby stuff - at least the bunny costume keeps a kid warm. This is a toy. And while it can function as a table the folk small enough to sit here probably cannot eat unaided. Furniture is not deemed essential. Toys are not deemed essential. What the fuck Farmers? I'm sure you argued it's case as a 'nursery' item, but it has the word 'play' in its name. It's a toy.
7) Automatic Pet Feeder (Mightyape)
Not only have we missed the two overseas holidays we had planned*** and the local ones we re-planned when international travel was off the table, but holidays are off the table for all. Want to go to your bach this Easter weekend? Don't. You've been told. We shouldn't have to be setting up blockades for idiots and yet it seems we must. So no-one in New Zealand needs an automatic cat feeder. Some essential workers might be working crazy long shifts right now and might find this handy, but otherwise they're redundant. And they will be for some time. Travel is basically off the agenda until we're back down to Level 1 and that's not going to be soon. Plus isn't lockdown kinda ideal for pets and pet owners? Surely this is the ideal time to be snuggling, feeding and playing with our pets? I mean, there are so many very real health benefits in spending quality time with pets and right now we need as much of this as we can get. You should see how shiny and happy my cats are right now. Ain't no robot feeding my pets.
6) Satinelle Epilator (Farmers)
This is another item that will be contentious. I've chosen it more as a representation of the very many unnecessary 'health and wellness' items available for purchase right now. It is necessary to remove our body hair? Well, no. Not unless you're getting a tattoo or having a medical procedure and both of these things are not commonly happening right now. And in both cases usually someone else does this for you. Surely hair removal, bubble bath and foot masks are not 'essential' right now? There are certainly some retailers that normally sell this stuff that have opted not to (Postie Plus, Bed Bath and Beyond and Kmart are a few). I mean, I love face masks and bubble baths, and yes, self care is good for our mental health. But if there were ever a time where we should be working out how to DIY this stuff that time is now. No-one actually needs these things.
5) Kitchenaid Standmixer - Raspberry Ice (Mightyape)
I used to sell these and they are an AMAZING machine. I love Kitchenaids. Heavy as shit at 13kg, but sturdy, practical and amazing. I want one so bad, but don't bake enough to justify the expense or bench space. My friend has one. Her husband bought it for her as a birthday gift. I am so jealous. At $1,199 this baby don't come cheap. And in a time of uncertainty and job loss, where many are struggling to even source flour, owning a Kitchenaid doesn't really seem like a priority. If you have a really big family and are baking all the time because everyone is suddenly all home then maybe? But when you have a lot of folk to feed then cost is probably a concern, and given you can pick up a stand mixer for 1/3 of the price elsewhere, and a decent one (Kenwood) for almost half the price it seems unlikely. I see this and see the bourgeois panic purchasing stuff they really don't need online because their lives have been turned on their heads. And that ain't necessary.
4) All Blacks Bar Fridge (The Warehouse)
While I'm certainly not the biggest sports supporter out there (I truly just don't care), I miss my gym HARD. I miss swimming. It's something that's just not possible during lockdown. Not only did it keep me fit, but it kept me sane. It sucks that I can't go swimming. I miss the sauna. And like the gym membership card in my wallet, this bar fridge is a reminder of all we're missing right now. I mean it's not quite rugby season yet, but it will be soon and the reality is that (dare I say it?) there might be no rugby. This fridge will remind you of that every time you go to grab a beer. Speaking of beer, this fridge also supports binge drinking. Unless someone's that concerned about their flatties (or children) pinching food over lockdown, no-one will buy it for any other purpose. It's not a freezer - you can't store food in it for long periods. This is purely for beer, or the things like beer, that you can still acquire during lockdown. Not only does this item provide the means to drink excessively, but for some, it will also give them a reason. RIP sports.
3) Jelly Belly Jumbo Beanboozled Spinner Game (Mightyape)
While some folk are reliant on council food parcels, and others can't get bread, flour or yeast you can rest assured that your supply of inedible jelly beans is still available. I like games. We have a ridiculous collection. And while I can see the fun in this, it just seems ludicrous that this is available when many are struggling to have basic nutritional needs met. Especially given almost half of this food is barely edible. Someone gave us a small version of this for Christmas (I have no idea who or why). So I've tried them. And I can tell you that the blood and squid ink flavours are inedible****. Given this set includes even more foul flavours, like dead fish and stinky socks, I expect the rate to be even higher here.
2) Pootin Lavatory Mist (Mightyape)
This is only not number one because technically it has a use. And when confined in small spaces for long periods that use is actually quite useful. Scented with jasmine and green tea, Pootin promises to alleviate stenches from the bathroom. Does it deliver? I don't know. I will never know. I will never purchase this Pootin. Is it funny? Yes! Poo jokes are always funny. Poo + politicians is definitely funny! Is it necessary? No, absolutely not. Just burn a match for fuck sake.
1) Inkless Printing Kit For Pets (Mightyape)
I know cat people and I know dog people. I myself am animal people. I love my pets. I love my neighbours pets and yes, I think of my pets as members of my family. But do I think it is necessary to get their paw prints on paper right now? No, I don't. Will other folk? Yes, of course and I'm not going to judge them for it. But would I consider this an essential item right now during a pandemic? No. I really don't. That is why this made it to number one. It has literally zero necessary function. Go cuddle your pets. It's free. And they will love you for it.
Whether you agree or vehemently disagree with my list I strongly encourage you to consider making one of your own. Doing this made me really consider my values and how these play out in the real world. Putting thought to what we consider 'essential' is a really helpful thing to do in uncertain times. It helps put things in perspective. It helps us realise we can survive without all of this stuff.
Be safe, be kind and be compassionate.
Happy lockdown Easter everyone!
* If it's helpful there are limited toys available both online and instore at Countdown, and a very limited selection of party stuff and knock off family boardgames at Pak n Save.
** Kmart, Bed Bath and Beyond and Briscoes truly seem to have thought about what they've kept available as 'essentials'.
*** While I'm sad about this, I think that the decisions made by our government have been pretty spot on and I'd much rather miss out on a holiday than propagate a pandemic that kills our most vulnerable.
**** Oddly, I found the vomit, moldy cheese and toothpaste actually ok.
This has taken me some time as it's a tricky thing to do. What we deem essential is actually quite personal. Things I find frivolous may be considered a necessity by some. And while the government has clarified, what they've deemed 'essential' is still quite broad. And while some retailers have really considered each and every item they've included in their 'essentials' range**, others have taken a much looser approach.
10) Baby Bunny Romper (Postie Plus)Coming in at number 10 is this velour baby bunny romper. This was the only thing on the Postie Plus website I thought pushed the boundaries on 'essential'. Yes, it is cute. Yes, it is warm. Yes it is well priced. But are there more practical warm options you can buy for a baby? Yes. Now I love me some velour, but it is way less breathable than cotton or merino. And cos babies can't regulate their temperature like us grown ups they could easily overheat in this outfit. Sure, you can take some cute Easter pics, but when we're on lockdown due to a pandemic that is killing tens of thousands of people, is that really so important? I guess this bunny romper helps bring a sense of normalcy to some folk. I get that. I think bunnies are cute, but I also think dressing babies up to get attention is a little exploitative. I know many will debate me on this. This is why I have carefully placed this at number 10.
9) Durex Bullet (Mightyape)
I expect equally as much disagreement here. This gem, like the majority on this list, comes to us courtesy of Mightyape. While I can see this might be a great time for getting jiggy for some, it's hard to justify this as 'essential' when it's function can be carried out manually. I don't feel like this about all 'adult' items. I think lube is very essential. It reduces friction which reduces condom breakage, and uncomfortable chafing. Lube prevents unwanted pregnancies, STI's and pain. Lube is basically medicine. But vibrators? The only argument I can come up with is that it may reduce depression rates in solo bubbles. Or pregnancy rates in flatting bubbles. I mean, these are both valid arguments which is why this bullet only makes it to number 9.
So while you can't buy actual furniture right now, for some reason it's totally ok to still buy tiny furniture for tiny people. I mean this is not essential baby stuff - at least the bunny costume keeps a kid warm. This is a toy. And while it can function as a table the folk small enough to sit here probably cannot eat unaided. Furniture is not deemed essential. Toys are not deemed essential. What the fuck Farmers? I'm sure you argued it's case as a 'nursery' item, but it has the word 'play' in its name. It's a toy.
7) Automatic Pet Feeder (Mightyape)
Not only have we missed the two overseas holidays we had planned*** and the local ones we re-planned when international travel was off the table, but holidays are off the table for all. Want to go to your bach this Easter weekend? Don't. You've been told. We shouldn't have to be setting up blockades for idiots and yet it seems we must. So no-one in New Zealand needs an automatic cat feeder. Some essential workers might be working crazy long shifts right now and might find this handy, but otherwise they're redundant. And they will be for some time. Travel is basically off the agenda until we're back down to Level 1 and that's not going to be soon. Plus isn't lockdown kinda ideal for pets and pet owners? Surely this is the ideal time to be snuggling, feeding and playing with our pets? I mean, there are so many very real health benefits in spending quality time with pets and right now we need as much of this as we can get. You should see how shiny and happy my cats are right now. Ain't no robot feeding my pets.
6) Satinelle Epilator (Farmers)
This is another item that will be contentious. I've chosen it more as a representation of the very many unnecessary 'health and wellness' items available for purchase right now. It is necessary to remove our body hair? Well, no. Not unless you're getting a tattoo or having a medical procedure and both of these things are not commonly happening right now. And in both cases usually someone else does this for you. Surely hair removal, bubble bath and foot masks are not 'essential' right now? There are certainly some retailers that normally sell this stuff that have opted not to (Postie Plus, Bed Bath and Beyond and Kmart are a few). I mean, I love face masks and bubble baths, and yes, self care is good for our mental health. But if there were ever a time where we should be working out how to DIY this stuff that time is now. No-one actually needs these things.
5) Kitchenaid Standmixer - Raspberry Ice (Mightyape)
While I'm certainly not the biggest sports supporter out there (I truly just don't care), I miss my gym HARD. I miss swimming. It's something that's just not possible during lockdown. Not only did it keep me fit, but it kept me sane. It sucks that I can't go swimming. I miss the sauna. And like the gym membership card in my wallet, this bar fridge is a reminder of all we're missing right now. I mean it's not quite rugby season yet, but it will be soon and the reality is that (dare I say it?) there might be no rugby. This fridge will remind you of that every time you go to grab a beer. Speaking of beer, this fridge also supports binge drinking. Unless someone's that concerned about their flatties (or children) pinching food over lockdown, no-one will buy it for any other purpose. It's not a freezer - you can't store food in it for long periods. This is purely for beer, or the things like beer, that you can still acquire during lockdown. Not only does this item provide the means to drink excessively, but for some, it will also give them a reason. RIP sports.
3) Jelly Belly Jumbo Beanboozled Spinner Game (Mightyape)
While some folk are reliant on council food parcels, and others can't get bread, flour or yeast you can rest assured that your supply of inedible jelly beans is still available. I like games. We have a ridiculous collection. And while I can see the fun in this, it just seems ludicrous that this is available when many are struggling to have basic nutritional needs met. Especially given almost half of this food is barely edible. Someone gave us a small version of this for Christmas (I have no idea who or why). So I've tried them. And I can tell you that the blood and squid ink flavours are inedible****. Given this set includes even more foul flavours, like dead fish and stinky socks, I expect the rate to be even higher here. 
This is only not number one because technically it has a use. And when confined in small spaces for long periods that use is actually quite useful. Scented with jasmine and green tea, Pootin promises to alleviate stenches from the bathroom. Does it deliver? I don't know. I will never know. I will never purchase this Pootin. Is it funny? Yes! Poo jokes are always funny. Poo + politicians is definitely funny! Is it necessary? No, absolutely not. Just burn a match for fuck sake.
1) Inkless Printing Kit For Pets (Mightyape)
I know cat people and I know dog people. I myself am animal people. I love my pets. I love my neighbours pets and yes, I think of my pets as members of my family. But do I think it is necessary to get their paw prints on paper right now? No, I don't. Will other folk? Yes, of course and I'm not going to judge them for it. But would I consider this an essential item right now during a pandemic? No. I really don't. That is why this made it to number one. It has literally zero necessary function. Go cuddle your pets. It's free. And they will love you for it.
Whether you agree or vehemently disagree with my list I strongly encourage you to consider making one of your own. Doing this made me really consider my values and how these play out in the real world. Putting thought to what we consider 'essential' is a really helpful thing to do in uncertain times. It helps put things in perspective. It helps us realise we can survive without all of this stuff.
Be safe, be kind and be compassionate.
Happy lockdown Easter everyone!
* If it's helpful there are limited toys available both online and instore at Countdown, and a very limited selection of party stuff and knock off family boardgames at Pak n Save.
** Kmart, Bed Bath and Beyond and Briscoes truly seem to have thought about what they've kept available as 'essentials'.
*** While I'm sad about this, I think that the decisions made by our government have been pretty spot on and I'd much rather miss out on a holiday than propagate a pandemic that kills our most vulnerable.
**** Oddly, I found the vomit, moldy cheese and toothpaste actually ok.
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