So earlier this year I tried to do healthier things to lose weight.
I tried properly, in my own way (which is not extreme, as extreme doesn't work well with my mental health) and I stopped blogging about it fairly quickly because for the first time ever my attempts at losing weight felt, well, futile. I did lose a little bit of weight, but it was gradual. Like, 100 to 200 grams a week gradual. Like, I'd rather have just eaten the food and not cared gradual.
So I kinda gave up.
It's not like I usually eat really badly. In fact, after finding out about my fibroid I went onto a low inflammatory diet* to help manage my pain levels (which, by the way, has worked). I genuinely like vegetables. I seldom snack. I do eat junk food and takeaways, but I try to moderate it and mix it up with loads of vegetarian deliciousness at home. So it's not like I'm unhealthy, I'm just bigger than I used to be.
And I think what has been most unhelpful with being bigger has been with feeling like I need to be back to how I was before. This feeling that I should be 8 kg lighter - the weight I was before babies - has meant that I haven't bought nice clothes that fit me - since buying maternity wear. It has taken me the 2 1/2 years since having my last baby to reconcile that actually, I am ok in this new body - for now anyway. I have other priorities at the moment, and my health is still good. What I actually need is just to buy some better fitting clothes.
I think this has been a difficult conclusion for me to draw because I have been roughly the same size (apart from unhealthy low weight periods) for my entire adult life. So buying clothes of a different fit feels as though I have to re-imagine myself as a different person. Even though I don't feel very different at all.
The other side to this is the realisation that I'm older than I once was. I've had this conversation with loads of my friends and it's that thing where you don't feel any older than you were at 18. I think that people should dress however they like - I don't agree with ageist 'rules' of dress. But I do feel like maybe I am missing out on feeling better in myself by not upgrading my wardrobe to match my phase of life more comfortably. I mean, I like being ID'ed for booze still at 36, and mistaken for a 20 something young thing at work, but sometimes it's also nice to be treated like a grown up.
Weirdo pre-kids Hannah. Shaved head,
builder hat, rabbit fur coat, merino dress?
Why not?
When you've been dressing the same way since pretty much forever**, the idea of finding a new kind of style is quite scary. Especially when you're not that keen on fashion, or being trendy, or actually have any kind of clue how to dress yourself. In my old body - that stuff didn't really matter. I dressed like a weirdo and I didn't care what people thought because I felt ok in myself. But with feeling a little more self-conscious of certain parts of my body - it's different now. It's not that I'm a lot bigger - I'm only one size bigger. It's more that parts of my body aren't as toned as they once were so I'm more self conscious about them.
So, and this sounds ridiculous, I had to Google 'how to dress'. Ugh.
The funniest thing about this is that two other women I spoke to within the same week as my search had done the same thing. I was so glad to hear that I was not alone. And honestly, that gave me the push I needed to buy some new damn pants!
Pants (or trousers if you're British, I'm not talking about underwear) have been my main problem. I no longer fit my jeans comfortably. Not just because I'm bigger, but because my abdominal surgeries and my fibroid mean that denim just isn't comfortable any more. In Winter, I just rocked me some trackpants and pretened like that was ok. It wasn't - I had basically given up on having any personal style. And now it was Summer so it was really time for a pants overhaul. And - I decided - no more jeans. Number one rule in my new wardrobe is that it has to be comfortable. Because what I've noticed is that the clothes I have that I like but that aren't comfortable, don't get worn.
I also want to buy clothes that suit my regular personal style. Which is, I guess if you had to put a word on it, flamboyant. But also lazy***. And stuff I can run around after children in without embarrassing myself. And cheap. I'm not made of money, and even if I were, I'd rather spend it elsewhere. Also I need clothes that cover my skin (but breathe) for several reasons:
1) Bugs like me and my skin reacts to them. Consequently, I often have large itchy welts which, if seen by the public, could lead folk to the assumption that I am diseased, or, in the least, lice ridden.
2) It's Summer and the sun is not my friend. A skin specialist told me I shouldn't live in NZ. True story. Basically, I treat my skin like I'm a ginger person.
3) I have excoriation disorder. This means I sometimes - unconsciously - pick my skin. I do it when I'm stressed. I only seem to do it on my upper arms so I like to have clothes that cover this area because it is a bit scarred, and if I've been picking, it's also spotty (and if the area is covered, I'm less likely to pick****).
A bit complicated to program all of this into a Google search...
However I did take some advice from some of the Google spews I read about 'dressing for my shape (and height). That advice was high waisted pants. With that one piece of information I bravely went forth to the interweb and looked at my favorite local clothing websites in the hunt of cheap, good pants. THEN, once found, I did the smart thing and went to the store and tried on the pants to see if I could live with them.
Magic pants
It was like heaven.
Yes, they looked a bit different to what I was used to. But I truly had no idea I could buy pants as comfortable as pyjama pants and wear them during the daytime without social persecution. This one pair of pants (my 'fatpants') were the gateway to me re imagining my whole wardrobe. With the confidence gained from my new fat pants I braved the Pagani factory store in the hopes of finding more cheap clothes. There I gleaned MORE comfortable pants, a floaty Summer over top thing AND a dress for my work Christmas do. And they were cheap - $5 comfy pants. Magic.
My wardrobe theory with the kids is that three is the magic number - I have applied this to myself also. After receiving an email about a sneaky 50% discount at another women's fashion store where I hoped to grab some basics, en route I saw that Glassons clearance clothing was all $10 or less. FOR ONE DAY ONLY! Price was right, and resulted in my third pair of 'fat pants' - the most pyjamaesque yet.
Three comfy pants to build a new Summer wardrobe around. Which cost me $40 in total and GAINED me a tonne of confidence in myself. To that, I've added a couple of floaty shirt things for bad-arm (or sunny) days and a new singlet or two. It has cost me under $100 to rebuild my wardrobe (including the work do dress which I plan to wear the shit out of) enough to facilitate my change in shape.
The most pyjamaesque daywear I have.
OTT Stripes? YES! And I LOVE it!
And I feel great!
And I'm sure I'll feel even better when I have the energy to brave budget bra shopping.
* Not following the rules persay, just avoiding the foods that I know don't work well with my system (foods high in gluten or lactose, red meat, sugar and fizzy drinks)
** Apart from forays into 50's fashion (ditched when I broke my ankle as can no longer cope with heels).
*** I don't usually buy materials that require ironing, because - fuck ironing.
**** It's a coping method. I don't do all the time and it doesn't really interfere with my life negatively so not really quite at the 'disordered' end of the spectrum. I'm ok with it. And no, it doesn't hurt. I'm used to it. Hence me not even realising I'm doing it.
***** I know this is by far the best look in terms of 'slimming'. But I like my stripy PJ pants too. So I don't care if I look a little bigger in them. I do have serious booty, and I'm not afraid of it (also aware if I hadn't put my arm there you could see it in this photo and consequently I'd look slimmer.)
I tried properly, in my own way (which is not extreme, as extreme doesn't work well with my mental health) and I stopped blogging about it fairly quickly because for the first time ever my attempts at losing weight felt, well, futile. I did lose a little bit of weight, but it was gradual. Like, 100 to 200 grams a week gradual. Like, I'd rather have just eaten the food and not cared gradual.
So I kinda gave up.
It's not like I usually eat really badly. In fact, after finding out about my fibroid I went onto a low inflammatory diet* to help manage my pain levels (which, by the way, has worked). I genuinely like vegetables. I seldom snack. I do eat junk food and takeaways, but I try to moderate it and mix it up with loads of vegetarian deliciousness at home. So it's not like I'm unhealthy, I'm just bigger than I used to be.
Me pre babies - comfy in my skin
And I think what has been most unhelpful with being bigger has been with feeling like I need to be back to how I was before. This feeling that I should be 8 kg lighter - the weight I was before babies - has meant that I haven't bought nice clothes that fit me - since buying maternity wear. It has taken me the 2 1/2 years since having my last baby to reconcile that actually, I am ok in this new body - for now anyway. I have other priorities at the moment, and my health is still good. What I actually need is just to buy some better fitting clothes.
Me in new body - no clue what to do with it
The other side to this is the realisation that I'm older than I once was. I've had this conversation with loads of my friends and it's that thing where you don't feel any older than you were at 18. I think that people should dress however they like - I don't agree with ageist 'rules' of dress. But I do feel like maybe I am missing out on feeling better in myself by not upgrading my wardrobe to match my phase of life more comfortably. I mean, I like being ID'ed for booze still at 36, and mistaken for a 20 something young thing at work, but sometimes it's also nice to be treated like a grown up.
Weirdo pre-kids Hannah. Shaved head,
builder hat, rabbit fur coat, merino dress?
Why not?
So, and this sounds ridiculous, I had to Google 'how to dress'. Ugh.
The funniest thing about this is that two other women I spoke to within the same week as my search had done the same thing. I was so glad to hear that I was not alone. And honestly, that gave me the push I needed to buy some new damn pants!
Pants (or trousers if you're British, I'm not talking about underwear) have been my main problem. I no longer fit my jeans comfortably. Not just because I'm bigger, but because my abdominal surgeries and my fibroid mean that denim just isn't comfortable any more. In Winter, I just rocked me some trackpants and pretened like that was ok. It wasn't - I had basically given up on having any personal style. And now it was Summer so it was really time for a pants overhaul. And - I decided - no more jeans. Number one rule in my new wardrobe is that it has to be comfortable. Because what I've noticed is that the clothes I have that I like but that aren't comfortable, don't get worn.
I also want to buy clothes that suit my regular personal style. Which is, I guess if you had to put a word on it, flamboyant. But also lazy***. And stuff I can run around after children in without embarrassing myself. And cheap. I'm not made of money, and even if I were, I'd rather spend it elsewhere. Also I need clothes that cover my skin (but breathe) for several reasons:
1) Bugs like me and my skin reacts to them. Consequently, I often have large itchy welts which, if seen by the public, could lead folk to the assumption that I am diseased, or, in the least, lice ridden.
2) It's Summer and the sun is not my friend. A skin specialist told me I shouldn't live in NZ. True story. Basically, I treat my skin like I'm a ginger person.
3) I have excoriation disorder. This means I sometimes - unconsciously - pick my skin. I do it when I'm stressed. I only seem to do it on my upper arms so I like to have clothes that cover this area because it is a bit scarred, and if I've been picking, it's also spotty (and if the area is covered, I'm less likely to pick****).
A bit complicated to program all of this into a Google search...
However I did take some advice from some of the Google spews I read about 'dressing for my shape (and height). That advice was high waisted pants. With that one piece of information I bravely went forth to the interweb and looked at my favorite local clothing websites in the hunt of cheap, good pants. THEN, once found, I did the smart thing and went to the store and tried on the pants to see if I could live with them.
Magic pants
Yes, they looked a bit different to what I was used to. But I truly had no idea I could buy pants as comfortable as pyjama pants and wear them during the daytime without social persecution. This one pair of pants (my 'fatpants') were the gateway to me re imagining my whole wardrobe. With the confidence gained from my new fat pants I braved the Pagani factory store in the hopes of finding more cheap clothes. There I gleaned MORE comfortable pants, a floaty Summer over top thing AND a dress for my work Christmas do. And they were cheap - $5 comfy pants. Magic.
My $5 outfit - all items cost $5 each*****
My wardrobe theory with the kids is that three is the magic number - I have applied this to myself also. After receiving an email about a sneaky 50% discount at another women's fashion store where I hoped to grab some basics, en route I saw that Glassons clearance clothing was all $10 or less. FOR ONE DAY ONLY! Price was right, and resulted in my third pair of 'fat pants' - the most pyjamaesque yet.Three comfy pants to build a new Summer wardrobe around. Which cost me $40 in total and GAINED me a tonne of confidence in myself. To that, I've added a couple of floaty shirt things for bad-arm (or sunny) days and a new singlet or two. It has cost me under $100 to rebuild my wardrobe (including the work do dress which I plan to wear the shit out of) enough to facilitate my change in shape.
The most pyjamaesque daywear I have.
OTT Stripes? YES! And I LOVE it!
And I'm sure I'll feel even better when I have the energy to brave budget bra shopping.
* Not following the rules persay, just avoiding the foods that I know don't work well with my system (foods high in gluten or lactose, red meat, sugar and fizzy drinks)
** Apart from forays into 50's fashion (ditched when I broke my ankle as can no longer cope with heels).
*** I don't usually buy materials that require ironing, because - fuck ironing.
**** It's a coping method. I don't do all the time and it doesn't really interfere with my life negatively so not really quite at the 'disordered' end of the spectrum. I'm ok with it. And no, it doesn't hurt. I'm used to it. Hence me not even realising I'm doing it.
***** I know this is by far the best look in terms of 'slimming'. But I like my stripy PJ pants too. So I don't care if I look a little bigger in them. I do have serious booty, and I'm not afraid of it (also aware if I hadn't put my arm there you could see it in this photo and consequently I'd look slimmer.)
Ok your stripes outfit is fuckin fantastic.
ReplyDeleteDigging your style, miss.
<3