On Not Being Ok

So I wasn't lying that other time when I said I was ok.  I was.  Truly.  But now I'm not.  That's the fun thing about mental illness.  It's all swings and roundabouts and it never, ever stops.

The awesome thing about having been through this all before though is that I am slowly learning to recognise when I'm not ok a little earlier.  So what that means is that while I'm not ok at the moment, I'm not terrible.  I'm not dangerous.  I'm not crazy - I just know that if I don't do anything I will no doubt become so in time.  And because of my history, and because I am already on medication for anxiety (sertraline - only relatively 'safe' one for pregnancy/breastfeeding) shortly after telling my Dr I was not ok BAM!  There are phone calls from three different places all at once.

Because while the government is crappy and has removed much funding and resources for mental health (and health in general) it appears they are still a bit freaked out about Mums killing their babies.  So while I'm not at MDK* level as yet, it's nice to know that they will still step in to check and ensure my family is safe.**

And they are.  I don't want to even be seen as someone's 'mad Mum' so I managed to access help BEFORE it got to totally that crazy person point.

*                            *                            *                            *                               *                            *       

As things stand now, I'm actually really good.  I started writing this post a few weeks ago, but haven't had time or brain to continue it until now.  One of the things with my particular type of crazy and having had it for a while is that as soon as I ask for help, I immediately feel better.  Consequently, asking for help starts me on the road to getting better immediately.

The first thing that happened after talking to my Dr is I received a phone call from an agency to have an interview with a Dr, a maternity mental health worker and a psychologist at my home.  The second thing that happened is I had a phone call from the counselor who works in conjunction with my Drs to arrange for a counseling session (I can get four for free through my Drs). 

And while the counseling has not been especially helpful*** that meeting at home with the three professionals was brilliant.  For starters I discovered I'm on a very low dose of my medication so have a lot of wriggle room there if I feel like it's not quite enough.  While I haven't as yet changed my medication, that was extremely helpful to know.  It made me feel like things were not that bad at all as I was actually almost coping with very little back up - which is almost as good as coping!

It also helped me realise the main reason I was so unwell was because I was not sleeping.  Duh?  Of course people who don't sleep start to go a bit nuts!  But pinning down that simple thing when you are sleep deprived is not so simple.  This also made me feel again like given the circumstances I was not such a crap loser Mum after all.

And the lovely maternity mental health lady has been brilliant.  She has visited me once a week every week since this first meeting just to check in on how I'm doing.  Because she is just a nice person this doesn't feel threatening, just actually helpful ie: I don't freak out and clean my house before she's due.  She also hooked me up with an anxiety group for Mums which is brilliant.  It's nice revisiting CBT and also just talking about normal stressful Mum crap with other Mums in the same boat as me.  And there are nannies there who mind our littlies so we can attend!  This week I also discovered a shower nearby so am seriously considering dropping Abby off with the nannies and showering before the group.  Double bonus!

And while the external help has been amazing, the thing that has got me most on track to being ok is that Abby has changed.  With age and osteo I no longer have a baby that screams whenever awake, and especially from 4 - 10pm.  I now have a very happy, very fat, very tall baby who is a total sweetheart.  Sure, she doesn't sleep properly and cat naps just like Etta did and still has to co-sleep at night (hence my being so tired) but she is hitting milestones and smiling and not screaming at me all day. 

You cannot overestimate the impact being screamed at constantly has on a person.  Seriously.  Especially when it's from someone you are supposed to care about.  It's awful.  It's nerve-wracking.  I am sure it must have been used as a method of torture at some point in history.  And if you've also had no sleep it's completely insanity-driving.  All Mummies of refluxy/colicy/sick/sad/scream-all-the-timey babies are fucking champions just to survive each hour of screaming.  I am glad that I no longer have to be one of these champion Mummies because it's been one of the hardest things I've had to do in all my life.

 My happy 15 week old Abby not screaming

Now that the screamening is over there is room in my brain for actual thoughts.  I can remember what it is to be someone other than a slave to the scream.  And I can spend time with Etta and feel like I'm being a proper Mum again.  And even play board games with Murray occasionally and feel like some kind of a partner.  And now Abby is (cat) napping during the day in her bassinet I even get a little time to myself sometimes.  Quiet time.  Time to just sit and focus on myself as an entity for a bit.  And just being able to do that, to quietly sit, is what is really helping me to be ok.

*Murder Death Kill.  Get some Robocop in you ya'll!
** It would be even nicer if the government cared about me before I had kids but it seems like maybe that's asking for too much

*** Counseling has never been my bag.  Given how long I've been in and out of therapy (almost 20 years) I feel like I know more than she does and everything she says is just boring old lady advice.  But I'm going.  I don't want to get in trouble or feel like I'm not doing 'all I should' to be 'well'.  Sigh.  Only two sessions to go.

Survival Techniques

What writing with two littl'uns looks like...

 

I'm not doing so well right now (I'll write more about that at a later date), and one of the things that's making things particularly difficult is the whole no-time-for-self-care dealio.  You think is hard with one littlun, with more than one - you're kidding, right?  The things I used to do to manage my anxiety are just not possible to do on a regular basis when responsible for two tiny humans.

The sorts of things I used to do were not epic.  They were simple things involving time alone like taking a bath, going for long walks, swimming, writing and making art.  The operative word here being 'alone'.  Abby is still a very tricky wee babe.  While on occasion we can get her to nap in her bassinet, she still much prefers sleeping on people.  This means on days where I don't have help at all, I am almost never alone. 

So I'm attempting to find small things I can do every day (or at least, most days - no pressure) to stay sane - things that I can do amongst the chaos of a crazy toddler and a high needs baby.

1) Be Grateful
And I usually am, but I didn't realise studies have shown that writing it all down can actually help you feel better!  No matter how bad the day is there are always simple things to be grateful for.  Every day I will take a minute or two to write down three things I am grateful for that day.  Doesn't matter what it is, so long as I write it down.  And I can do this with a baby on me (as she is now).  I can even be grateful for baby-on-me related things: I am grateful that my baby keeps me warm.  Pretty straightforward.

2) Have A Cup Of Hot Tea  
So if you are childless you'll be all like hey, what's the big deal?  It's tea.  But if you aren't you'll be like 'lady, are you fucking out of your mind?'  This simple thing becomes like climbing the Himilayas once there are children in your home.  The usual go of things is you brew the tea.  You forget you have brewed the tea.  You microwave the cold tea and put milk in.  You take a sip.  Something goes crash off in the distance of your bedroom.  Two hours later, you remember you had tea.  Or you have attempted to hide your tea out of reach somewhere so your toddler doesn't have a fit and destroy it.  And then you forget where your tea is.  And then two days later you find it.  Ew.  Sigh.

I officially take back my cup of tea.  I am going to try very hard to have one HOT cup of tea whilst Etta naps every day.  Is this achievable?  Maybe not.  But I will try dammit!  Even if I get it right half the time I will be having much more hot tea than I am currently.

3) Baby Dance
What's there to do when you have a baby who often cries unless held and rocked by a standing human?*  Baby dance!  While I think the fun of this will wear off pretty quick smart if I did it ALL the time I have to hold and rock her, I'm definitely gonna do this at least a few times a day to break the boredom.  Free exercise equals free endorphins equals good counter play against depression.  Plus Etta loves to dance.  Can totally get her to come to the baby-scream-rock-dance-party.  When life gives you lemons and all that.

4) Get In The Garden
I used to hate weeding.  It's one of those jobs that you're just gonna have to do again every few weeks.  It feels so futile.  These days however, you'll find my garden's actually weeded.  Why?  Cos it really chills me out.  It's a good physical job that I can do for five minutes to an hour depending on how much I want to do. And it shows results quickly so I feel like I've achieved something.   Plus a well kept garden produces a better harvest - which is not only great for our tummies and our wallets, but is an awesome thing to teach the kids.  Also, on an aside, this means I have finally chopped our bamboo back into submission.  Thank you anxiety!

5) Adult Colouring In
You know you're a parent when your partner buys your toddler a colouring in book and you get jealous... I wanted my own colouring book.  Of course, I hadn't realised this until I saw her one. Luckily (and randomly) a friend posted about adult colouring in downloads the same day!  They are way better than those in Etta's book (hers are lame) and you can colour with just one hand (whilst holding a baby) AND whilst your toddler also colours in.  Of course, I've had to print out some of these for Etta too as she decided mine was better than hers, but hey, small sacrifice for big reward. 

Am I trying to relive my childhood here?  No.  I just find colouring in very therapeutic.  It puts you into a state of mindfulness without having to think about it.  It fills the gap that knitting once filled which I have no brain or hands for currently (cannot knit whilst holding this baby - she is too big - I could do it with Etta).  The only decisions I have to make on this page are what colour to use and where to put it.  Way easier than other normal grown up stuff like mortgage rates, wills and insurance.  I take colouring in over that any day of the week (unless we were gonna lose our house or something, then I'd put my grown up pants back on and put the felt tip down).

6) Do A Random Cleaning Job
Every day.  Just a five minute one.  Just clean something that hasn't been cleaned really before but should have been.  Like the doors.  Or the laundry cupboard.  Or the top of the washing machine.  I'm pretty on top of the usual every-day stuff (washing dishes, clothes and vacuuming) but this is stuff that always needs doing and never makes me feel good doing it.  Cleaning or organising something else will help me feel like I've achieved something without feeling like I have to clean, sort out or organise EVERYTHING instead of better utilising my time (like spending it with the kids). 

This makes me sound like some kind of clean freak.  I'm not.  If you've been to our house you'll know this.  There's just so much that needs doing it gets on top of me.  And because I'm a stay at home Mum I (get this) am at home a lot.  My environment totally has an effect on my mood.  Doing something to manage my environment is definitely good for my mental health.

7) Writing 
Yes, it may have taken me four days to write this pretty straightforward list post - but I still did it!  It's still good for me, even if it's done whilst balancing a squalling bubba on one arm and typing with one finger.  Or leant back with a sleeping wrapped up bubba squished up next to my cheek.  It helps me vent my joy and frustrations and discoveries whilst feeling like I'm connecting with people.  Without having to talk to people**.  And it doesn't need to be perfect, or even good to do so.  So it's definitely still worth doing - for me anyway (maybe not so much for you readers... Sorry).

8) Sit the Fuck Down
I am not very good at this.  I am a fidgety, use-my-time-well, never-without-a-task person.  I find it difficult to rest when things need doing around the house.  Which is all the time.  But this idea works in conjunction with the cup of tea.  I will try to sit down and not clean, and not write lists and not go crazy for 10 whole minutes while Etta naps.  I will try.

9) Wine
This is definitely not an every day thing.  But I love wine.  Having kids has not changed this fact.  There is still nothing quite as nice as sitting down after a hard day with a hearty meal and a glass of good pinot.  If anything, having kids has made drinking wine even more enjoyable (and cheaper as I just have the one.  So exhausted I'd be smashed if I drank more).

* Don't you dare sit down.  She can tell if you sit down.  The screaming begins again the moment you try to sit down.   You must stand for the Abby you lazy grown-ups!

**  Not because I hate people, but because when I'm unwell I'm quite scared of interacting with people.