On Coping with being Unproductive

So like many folk, I'm in an unproductive glut.

And it's not just the Covid blues.

Am I affected by this?  Yes!  Absolutely.  Even here in Aotearoa where we are comparatively safe our world has been completely turned on its head.  Overseas travel?  Nope.  Family visiting for upcoming important events?  Unlikely.  Entire industries have had the carpet pulled out from under them.  Those birthing babies during Lockdown did so under extremely unexpected circumstances.  And many missed the opportunity to give their loved ones a final goodbye.

I think most of us will be affected by this to varying degrees.  And for those of us who work creatively, this can really impact our ability to work.  Right now I am struggling not to compare myself to others.  The onslaught of amazing creative ventures (like this) posted regularly on social media makes it hard not to.  I have to remind myself on an almost daily basis that everyone's needs are different.  Our circumstances may be different.  The way we work, is very likely different.  Our mental load, the time we have available to us, may be different.  Our coping mechanisms may be different.

Right now, I'm struggling with my mental load.  As someone who juggles family and work commitments, I always do.  But right now it's different.  There is the added load of not only adjusting to life during a pandemic, but parenting through a pandemic.  And recently we added another ball to those currently up in the air.

Murray was diagnosed with epilepsy late last year.  It was not a shock based on previous history, but it has meant we've had to make some significant changes to our family's lives.  And after a couple of specialist visits, tests and some medication and lifestyle adjustments, Murray is still having seizures.  One of the fantastic things for us about Lockdown was that Murray could finally work from home.  We had been trying to get his work to put things in place so this could happen for over a month before, and suddenly, all the previous barriers disappeared almost overnight.  And there was a short reprieve from seizures.

At Waihi Beach just after Level 2 was announced
(we had left for holiday just before this happened)

But it was short.  Now we are a household juggling multiple needs.  We are juggling both mine and Murray's medical needs*.  We are juggling both of our mental health needs.  We are trying to manage our workplace relationships - both of us have had to take time off suddenly to manage health or childcare.  And while we both have very supportive workplaces, this still feels hard**.  As parents, we are doing our best to meet our children's multitudinous needs while still paying the bills and keeping up with the washing.  And we're still trying to make sure we have fun things to look forward to.

The catch 22 of Murray working from home more is that I have less time where I am completely alone.  And this is the best condition for me to get creative work done in.  Unlike many creatives, I am not a night owl.  I cannot stay up until 3am painting or writing or making.  After about 8pm I am done for the day.  All my brain is good for is laughing at sitcoms.  The best time for me to work is during the day with as little interruption as possible.  Equally, Murray's health is so much better when he works from home - Lockdown proved that.  The ideal compromise would be that Murray works from home three days a week with two of those being when I am at work but that's just not feasible.  Wellness does not conform to any schedule.

The other thing I'm struggling with is the decision making aspect of things.  Do we need a bigger house?  Can we afford a bigger house with the impact health is having on our ability to work?  How much do we expect of our children in terms of managing/understanding seizures?  Should I take on more hours to lighten Murray's workload?  What is feasible?  What is best?  What sort of future should we be preparing for?

And the guilt.  The guilt over whether I am making the right decisions for our family.  The guilt about ordering Ubereats because I'm too tired to cook or drive - spending money we may well need for more important things tomorrow.  The guilt about not doing better as a partner to someone who is having a shit time.  The guilt about calling work to say I can't come in because Murray isn't well enough to look after the kids.  That feeling that I am failing everyone, that I have left tasks incomplete.  That I can never do or be enough.  I know that this guilt doesn't help anyone but it's really, really hard to shake.

A power pole on the lawn.  Just so thankful no-one was hurt  

And I have this weird guilt about how I process.  When bad stuff happens, instead of reacting emotionally, I just manage the practical aspects of it.  And while this means I'm not bad to have around in an emergency, it does make me question my own humanity.  A few weeks ago I had a week so full of unexpected events that my life sounded like a week of Shortland Street.  Regular not great things happened, but also more than one extremely unlikely traumatic event.  After watching a power pole fall toward the house I called out to Murray 'The powerpole just fell.  You need to call Vector.' And he laughed because while the kids were screaming around me there was no emotion in my speech.  I just sounded resigned to this fact, exhausted.  I did not cry that week but I did feel absolutely shattered.

And I still am.

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And when I read back over what I have just written and take a step back I'm not surprised.  It is a lot.  Whilst I have been creatively unproductive, my hands have been pretty full.  My brain has been so full it has literally been shutting itself down early so it can recharge and regroup.  And while my to-do list is endlessly overflowing it is understandable that I just let that be.  That I ignore the list and rest when I can.

And while my circumstances are likely different to yours - most of us have a lot more on our plates than we were expecting.

While I think at times it is easy, positioned as we are in the pandemic, to ignore the devastation rolling out overseas, it's still there in our subconscious.  If you are distancing yourself from this reality it may be because processing this change, this massive loss, is overwhelming.  Maybe this feeling comes out in how we feel about wearing PPE at work.  Maybe it impacts how strongly we feel about folk returning home to New Zealand.  Maybe it comes out in how much contact we have with friends and family overseas.  Regardless of how you are personally affected by Covid-19, it will have an impact.

While we (thankfully) do not feature on this list
       that doesn't mean this doesn't affect us.

And I think it's good to take a step back and look at that.  Assess just how full your hands are.  How much more you have to process these days.  How fair are you being on yourself?  I think right now everyone should be doing their best to be kind to themselves and understanding of others.  Now is the time more than ever to just focus on just living each day the best we can with what we have available.  And if that just means getting out of bed and brushing our teeth, or managing to make beans on toast, then that is enough.

It is important to remember that what we going through is in many ways, unprecedented.  Yes, there have been pandemics, but not on such a global scale.  We now live in a more globally connected era than ever before so this impacts on so many things we take for granted in our daily lives: imports, exports, tourism, the ability to travel.  Yes, we may be safer here in New Zealand, but that doesn't mean we are not affected.  Even if we try to distance ourselves from the changes ahead, from the unimaginable scale of loss, we still feel it.  The impact is catastrophic, and while we may not be conscious of it, it leaves a mark.

So regardless of your personal situation, it really is ok to just focus on the basics.  It's ok not to have all the answers to the questions your kids are asking.  It's ok to just hug them and say 'I don't know.  It is scary.'  It's ok if you aren't coping as well as your neighbour is.  It is ok to need time to process this. It's ok to take time to rest.

* Thankfully mine are minimal currently.  This endo thing is a rollercoaster for sure, but right now I'm in a sweet patch and have been for some time which is a huge blessing.  I also have a new GP who is really up to date with current research and has me using more effective medication (when I need it) which really makes a difference.

** It really, really triggers my anxiety as I don't like letting people down and work is very busy right now.