On the reality of coping with Covid-19

While my blog post out-put started out strong in lockdown, over the last month I've found it hard to write.  I have struggled to do any creative writing.  While I have written a couple of poems that I am happy with I have struggled to work on existing short stories.  They sit untouched and unfinished in a folder on the computer which I've hidden so I don't have to look at it and feel guilty.

Like many of us, I'm doing my best to be positive about our current reality.  The benefits of my long mental health history is that I have a lot of tools available that I know work for me.  So I'm utilising them.  Maintaining a positive outlook isn't that hard for me.  But that doesn't mean this doesn't affect me.  It might be less obvious but I am struggling.

On holiday in Athenree just before lockdown was announced (maintaining social distancing)

And that's unsurprising.  I think that most of us, whether we have diagnosed mental illnesses or not will struggle with what is happening.  Our lives have been turned upside down and we've all had to make massive adjustments in a very short space of time.  Our family went from preparing for our first international holiday, to leaving the substituted local holiday early to prepare for lockdown.  To prepare for not seeing our friends or family.  To prepare for not having access to some of the things we take for granted.  When I should have had four days alone in the Rarotonga sun, I was supporting my kids in learning from home.  We have less support, less space and little certainty as to what the future will bring.

And I'm privileged.  Missing a holiday is a total FWP.  Many are facing much harder realities.  Domestic violence rates are up.  14 women and 2 children have been murdered in the first three weeks of UK lockdown.  Women* are literally trapped in with their abusers.  Single parents are managing their children without support.  Single parents working from home are multitasking in extremely stressful circumstances.  Many elderly folk are struggling to access services in a world which is now largely lived online.  Job losses, pay cuts and industry instability threaten.  Unemployment rates are predicted to leap from 4% to 8.5% with some predictions as high as 13%. The reality is that most of us are having to cope with unexpected change.  We are all processing a loss of some kind.

Because even though there are positives to the world slowing down, this is no less true.  I am processing a loss of space and a loss of support.  Many are processing a loss of choice and flexibility and many are processing a loss in income or their livelihood.  And living in New Zealand we are privileged.  Only 19 people have lost their lives here to Covid-19.  And while this is a great loss, and it is awful for all their loved ones, in many places it is worse.  In the US, over 63,000 have died from covid-19.  Many people worldwide are not only processing the same losses we are here, but also the loss of friends and whanau.  They may have lost their sense of safety, or sense that those they care for are safe.  Or suffered a loss of faith in their health system or their government. The losses from this pandemic are too many to name.  The losses are hard to fathom.

Etta is making her bed every day          

And we all cope with that loss differently.  In our bubble Murray copes by putting extra effort into work, and playing more games with his online communities.  I cope by preparing for the worst; working in the garden, being frugal with food and finance and budgeting for multiple scenarios.  Etta is focused on school work and (a new development) cleaning.  Abby copes by eating, watching too much TV and having extra cuddles.  While there are aspects to our coping mechanisms that are useful, for the most part, they are just distractions.  We are not processing the issues at hand.  But at a time of such uncertainty what more can we do?

We are doing our best to support our kids emotionally, but it's tough.  We are trying to support them in feeling their feelings and those feelings are very big right now.  This is to be expected.  Whilst Etta is smart and has a basic understanding of what is happening she is not emotionally equipped to deal with it.  Because she's only six years old.  While she understands why she can't see or hug her BFF, she can't process the reality of living like this.  She has tried to 'trick' us into seeing her BFF or other friends.  It has been awful watching her face as she sees her ruses fail.  And while she can chat to her friends on video phone this is still difficult.  While it gives her that contact she craves, it simultaneously reminds her of her loss.  The nights after those video calls are full of tears and a child struggling to manage her current reality.

Our bubble kitted crazy for Wacky Wednesday

While Etta's lack of coping is obvious, none of us are coping.  Our 'not coping' just looks differently.  For me, it comes in the form of feeling exhausted** and irritable and doing weird things.  For Murray, it's struggling with past addictions.  And while Abby seems ok most of the time, if triggered by what she misses most (my Mum) she becomes a sobbing mess.  In an unprecedented situation, how do you know how to deal with this?  How do your manage your wellness when everyone is falling apart?

I honestly don't know.  If you have to live just minute to minute that's a way.  If you have to smile to stop yourself from crying, that's a way.  If you have to put your energy into helping others, that's a way (as long as you're not pissing them off in the process).  If you have to dress up in fancy costumes that's a way.  I've been writing ten things I'm grateful for each day, and spending time alone in nature - those things help me.  I have friends who have taken up running.  I have no simple solution.  The purpose of this is that I see so much focus on the positives (and I contribute to that) that I feel the need to remind folk that it's ok not to be ok right now.

The not-so-humble arsehole bird (spur winged plover) at almost dusk

Even if we can see the gains made*** it's still ok to feel that loss.  These two feelings can co-exist.  You can simultaneously feel gratitude while processing loss.

I do think that recognising and acknowledging that loss is a good starting point to finding a way to cope.  What have you lost?  How do you feel about this?  How are you acknowledging and managing those feelings?  Do you need support around this?  What support can you access at this time?  Do you need practical support with anything?  Obviously if you don't feel a sense of loss you don't need to ask these things, but it is just as important that you understand many, many people might.  It's totally ok to be ok too as long as you have compassion for others.

In uncertain times like now the best thing we can do is be kind.  Be kind to others.  Be kind to those in your bubble and those you love.  Be kind to those you don't understand.  Recognise that we all have different strengths and weaknesses, different experiences and different tools in our belts.  And most importantly be kind to yourself.  It's ok to be ok.  And it's ok to not be ok.  And right now it's enough just to be.

* You can say 'it's men too' as much as you want - and it is, but seldom as much as it is women.  In the UK 100% more women then men have been murdered due to domestic violence.

** There are physical reasons for this on top of the mental ones.  Both of the kids are waking more frequently overnight with nightmares.  And as Murray does not wake up (no fault of his, he just doesn't) I am the one getting up overnight.

*** And there are many - for the improvement of our environment, for the revitalisation of our wildlife, to remind us of what really matters, to teach us how simple it is for most of us to live differently.