On anxiety round 476... FIGHT

Ah, anxiety.  I know you well.

I am one of those anxious people who usually has my anxiety managed well enough that most people don't notice, or don't believe me when I say I have anxiety.  Also, most of the time I'm fairly asymptomatic, and usually when it gets bad I do something about it pronto.  BUT, anxiety can creep up on you.

And my anxiety is of the social kind.  Yes, I'm a people person.  Yes, I have a bunch of friends and overshare way too much via social media, but that's irrelevant.  Cos when my anxiety is bad I tend not to leave the house, and sit comfortably behind my keyboard maintaining my façade of being a happy but busy person, from afar.

People close to me (ie: the few that see me) can often tell my anxiety is getting bad because I'm just a straight up bitch.  I'm bossy.  I'm not good at controlling my impulse to control my environment.  I can be straight up mean.  And it's no excuse, but it's because every aspect of being around other people, including those close to me, makes me uncomfortable.  Because adrenaline is usually coursing through my veins, so I either want to punch things or cry.  And it will just be because dinner might be running slightly late, or the drinks aren't cold, or my baby isn't asleep yet.  Things that aren't usually a big deal can't help but be when the chemicals coursing through your bloodstream are telling you they are.

When my anxiety is really bad, I can't leave the house because I have no chance of controlling anything.  I am afraid of many things including the following:

1.       I might see my neighbours and they will know I am crazy

2.       I may run into someone else I know and they will know I am crazy

3.       I may have to converse with a stranger and they will know I am crazy

4.       I may have to converse with a shop keeper and they will know I am crazy

5.       I may run late for (and miss) the bus, making my anxiety worse

6.       I may be early for the bus, and in waiting, make my anxiety worse

7.       I may cry in public

Because even though I come across as a confident person, I'm actually a total wuss.  And I don't like people seeing me at my most vulnerable.  Not any people.  Not those close to me, not total strangers.  No-one.  I want to cry alone and eat chips in front of a crappy movie.

So when it became apparent recently that my anxiety had gradually crept up to too-anxious-to-leave-the-house status I thought I better go to the Dr.

But that was hard.  And not just because it involved leaving the house.  It was harder than usual because these days I have another beyond my control factor to take into account when trying to do anything - a baby.  Calling and making the appointment was the easy part.  I booked an appointment for a time that would usually be pretty ideal for how Etta does stuff during the day.  But being that she's never really been that routine a baby, I had to wake her up from her nap to get to the bus on time.  And because I knew I had to leave the house, my anxiety had been building since I put Etta down for her nap.

And it didn't subside until well after I got home from the Dr after having to wait for 20 minutes to see him, talking about my anxiety, getting bits shoved up my hoo haa (smear),filling a prescription, eating something (hadn't eaten since 8am as forgot because I was anxious), and getting a bus during peak traffic with a cranky bored baby.  But I managed to leave the house.

And hopefully soon I won't feel so bad.  Although I haven't been on anxiety medicine in about four years, I decided in this instance that it was not a bad idea.  With being responsible for another person 24/7 it's difficult to do the things I usually do to help get my anxiety back on track.  Where normally I would just try to sleep more, it's something not that easy to control with a baby who wakes 2 - 4 times a night*.  My standard exercise (walking) has currently been thwarted by crazy hot sun, and anything else requires another person to look after Etta (um, bonus person + social anxiety = scary).  We are working on getting me more alone time with having Daddy/Etta Sundays, which is great, but not a magic fix-all.

So, yet again, I will be ok and life will go on etc etc overcoming stuff yada yada.

Just one FYI to 'normies' dealing with people with anxiety - telling someone with anxiety they just need to 'chill out' is not great advice.  It's like telling someone with insomnia they just need to get some sleep...**

*I'm also a super light sleeper.  I wake up when the neighbours baby wakes up.  It's not all Etta's fault.

** Or telling a depressed person to just smile... Let me just remind you that these are mental health conditions.  If it were as simple as an anxious person just going 'Wow!  I never thought of that before, I will just chill out' then we'd all be doing it.  Chilling out is something we may actually do cognitive therapy to achieve.  Rational solutions aren't always that rational when applied to us 'crazies'.  If you can't find something constructive to say when someone tells you this stuff - I advise just giving chocolates, or whatever you keep in your handbag:
'Oh, it sucks your anxiety is so bad.  Here, have some chocolate' or
'Oh, it sucks your anxiety is so bad.  Here, have some ketchup from McDonalds, 10 cents and this perfume tester'