Etta slept most of the time for her first month on this Earth - apparently that's quite normal for early babies. But after that, she woke up, and appeared to never want to sleep again. Being new parents with no prior baby minding experience we had zero knowledge around baby sleep - how much they need, when they need it, or how to get them to sleep. I think (early times blurry due to lack of sleep) we assumed she needed sleep at night, and otherwise when she got cranky - and worked out we could get her to sleep by doing the following:
- Feeding her to sleep
- Rocking her to sleep
- Making shhhhhhing noises
Sadly, the rocking her to sleep was not that effective. Sometimes it was more like rocking her to quiet, then as soon as you stopped rocking she would scream. And the shhhhhing only worked once she was calm. One night Murray attempted to rock her to sleep for four hours before coming to get me so I could feed her to sleep.
And shortly after that she would no longer feed to sleep. The sleep situation was pretty ridiculous.
She was only about six weeks old at this stage. We had tried the methods my friend had used (her son is two months older than Etta), but they hadn't worked for us and the internet offered so much conflicting advice it was confusing. The only book I'd read that had anything in it about baby sleep was one by Nigel Latta. So I re-read his advice, and trialled it for a day nap. Nigel Latta uses a 'controlled crying' method. It's where you put your baby down for a sleep (in a quiet place, with some sleepy preamble) and then you leave them for five minutes before checking on them. No matter how much they are crying. And then you go back, and if they are crying you pick them up (or rock them) and soothe them to quiet - and then you put them down and check them again in six minutes. And it goes on like this up to leaving them for half an hour if needs be.
And it worked. She was asleep after (I think?) six minutes. It was hard letting her cry, but armed with a book that reminded me babies don't die from crying I managed to hold out on picking her up early. This was a revelation! I used it for a few days. Then I checked this method with the internet. It was not recommended for babies under the age of four to six months. I felt bad. So I stopped using it.
Until I really thought about how hard it was to get her to sleep without it. So I thought bugger the internet, I'm with Nigel Latta. It seemed to work for Etta, and Murray was on the same page as me*. In the first two weeks it sometimes took up to nine minutes to get her to sleep - but most of the time it was six. And even at the nine minute mark, allowing two minutes each time to soothe her - that's only 45 minutes of crying and not sleeping as opposed to four hours. So I know it seems bad to leave a small baby to cry - cortisol and all - but in total she cried less during sleep training than she had overall beforehand because she slept more and was generally a more content baby.
We still use this method to get her to sleep - and most of the time (unless she's teething or cranky) she doesn't cry at all. We have been also using white noise to soothe her, but I've recently discovered she doesn't actually need it. Sometimes it takes her a while to actually sleep - she often lies there quietly staring at the ceiling, or flicking her head back and forth but she almost always eventually goes to sleep. For naps, putting her down is quick and easy. She gets tired. I swaddle her and put her in her bed (in a quiet, dark room) and say 'It's sleep time now. I love you and I'll see you soon', kiss her and leave the room. In the evenings, we have a small routine - we lower our voices. Murray changes her into night time clothes, we swaddle and feed her, then Murray reads her a story and sings her a song in bed, then it's bedtime. She's asleep now, and she got there, as usual with a little protest grizzle but no tears. No picking up, no messing about. Lovely sleeping baby like the one pictured above.
There are LOADS of articles on why controlled crying is dangerous cos crying babies equals too much cortisol which damages babies brains etc. Despite this, it works fine with our Etta - she is a happy, normal baby who still seems to love us both. Like most things around babies, there are several schools of thought on how to do things, and why other ways of doing things are wrong. I think that just like there are many ways to cook an egg, there are many ways to teach your baby. And just because you prefer your eggs poached, doesn't mean that scrambling eggs is wrong.
Initially it isn't easy to just sit on your hands while your baby cries - we aren't heartless. If you do use this method to get your baby to sleep, I recommend going and doing something for the first five minutes - make a cup of tea, or check your emails, or (if you're quick like me) have a shower. Once they're sleep trained they'll usually be asleep (or at least quiet) once that first five minutes is up anyway. And then you also have a cup of tea, or are clean and refreshed - so if they are still crying, you are probably in a better mindset to cope with the next six minutes. And if you really can't cope with the crying, you don't have to start with five minutes - you can start with two like in Jo Frost's controlled crying method.
What I like about this sleep method is that it has taught Etta how to self settle without sleep aids. It's an important thing to learn which will help her get to sleep through the rest of her life. And Murray and I are fairly independent people, so a method that teaches independence to our child makes sense to us. Because we are not leaving her to cry indefinitely, she knows we haven't abandoned her, and that she is loved and cared for. And I don't think it has emotionally retarded her - she has absolutely no trouble communicating her emotions - be them happy or sad.
And most importantly, she sleeps!
* Having him onside is what made this work. Whenever one of us was about to buckle because she was making such a piteous sound, the other would stand strong. This definitely got us through the tough first few weeks, and still helps us get through the occasional tough nights now.
