On being 37 weeks pregnant

This is what a tired, sore, very pregnant woman looks like.  You can JUST see the little stretch marks under my belly button (yay - still no outie!) - the horizontal line above my belly button is just clothes mark.  The mark above is my piercing scar comboed with some surgery mess.  The line down the left hand side low down isn't a stretch mark - it's a rabbit scratch - Wellesley has a gunky eye and he doesn't like me cleaning it.

Yay!  We made it to 37 weeks!  Any time the baby comes from here on in is fine with me.  But I'd prefer it if it were at least another week away - we still need to pick up the car seat.  And It'd be fab if she were still just a little early.  The only way I'm getting through each day of pregnancy is by focusing on the following things:

a) there's not long to go now

b) I never have to do this again.

So I REALLY hope she's not late.  Our Midwife said she's had someone with pre-term labour issues like mine that made it all the way to 42 weeks... I really hope that doesn't happen to me.

But in saying that, I'm semi hoping for a little bit more time.  Because how do you know when you're ready?  We still have quite a few things left to organise - picking up the cot, the pram and the car seat.  And how am I actually going to cope with a tiny baby?  Those things (little babies) terrify me until they start looking more like little people (around 3 months).  I hate being pregnant, I truly do, but how do I know when I'm ready for the other side?  I guess you just don't.  So I'm taking things day by day and focusing on the little things.  And maybe once some of the big things are sorted, I'll feel more ready.  Maybe.

I had the first of our now weekly Midwife's appointments yesterday which went well.  Our baby is BIG.  I'm measuring about a week ahead of how pregnant I am (that's by 'their' dates, if 'my' dates are right, I'm not actually that big).  The baby had a massive growth spurt in the last two weeks which is why I am now no longer stretch mark free (dammit!)  Based on fundal height (not super accurate), if she goes to term we're looking at an 8 lb 13 oz  (4kg) baby.  And if we're overdue by the max, we're looking at an almost 10 pound baby!  Big is good - easier to dress, less scary to hold - but scarier to get out, and will not likely fit her little newborn outfits.  And even though it's not the most accurate estimate, given how I look and feel, I very much doubt she'll be fun-sized!

We finally went over the birth plan - glad the baby has waited until we got this done!  It's weird how just talking over those few things that are standard practice for a Midwife can be super reassuring for a first time Mum-to-be.  Even though I've read all the stuff and been to yoga and antenatal, I don't actually know specifically what a Midwife actually does during labour.  I'm sure that's because they're all different.  The most reassuring thing I learned was that if it's not quite hospital time, but things are proving difficult in early labour, she'll come check me out at home.  I also have a good idea of what her personal stances on a bunch of things - which mesh pretty well with mine. 

She said: 'I'm used to seeing women in pain, and you're supposed to be in pain, so I'm not going to feel sorry for you.'  This in the context of: 'I will not offer you drugs unless you actually need them.'  She thinks the rates of epidural we have are pretty high, and at 45% I have to concur.  But it's there as a back-up for us.  I think (and she agrees) that if everything's normal and I am allowed in a birthing pool, I should be ok.  But if I'm not, and my hips and pelvis are causing hell, then an epidural it'll be (she won't offer though, I'll have to ask).  No pethidine - which is excellent - opiates are not my friend, nor great for babies.  She said if I ask for drugs, she'll just give me gas - I'll have to ask a bunch of times before she'll consider the epidural unless she deems it necessary.

And all the other marginally hippy crap we're keen on is her standard practice - so glad we picked her!  Delayed cord clamping is what she normally does unless there are complications.  I don't need a fancy thing to take the placenta home in - they'll give me an ice-cream container.  The hospital and birthing unit will provide nappies and pads (cloth nappies at Helensville, ones that I don't have to wash).  I know these little things probably don't seem important, but anything unknown contributes to my anxiety.  Knowing the small things helps me worry less about the bigger things.

The reality is that the baby will just turn up whenever she feels like it.  Because we've had a bit of a scare, people seem to think I'm going to 'pop' like an overinflated balloon any minute.  I am in pain a lot of the time, but this pain is NO indication that I'm in labour, or going into labour soon!  If you see me flinching or gritting my teeth, or hear me moan that's just cos my hips have locked up, or this Braxton Hicks thing hurts, or the baby has just headbutted me in the pubic bone.  It's just cos this pregnancy SUCKS, but I'm unlikely to burst my waters all over your nice rug.

I'd like to think I'll have some kind of other warning before the real labour starts, and I think I've got at least a week to go - still no nesting*, still no mucous.  But no matter when she decides to turn up I will not be prepared.  I guess that's one of many things I should stop worrying about.

* I'm completely reliant on the nesting thing to get my house properly organised and clean.  So if this is one of the standard pre-labour things I miss out on, we're  kinda screwed and I will cry.

On Being Glad

Oprah and Dr Phil generally piss me off.  But one thing Oprah harps on about that I agree with, is the importance of being grateful.  Reading Pollyanna as a small child, however tacky it may sound, had a profound impact on my world view.  I related to Pollyanna as my childhood was what would be considered dysfunctional.  But my trials and tribulations had nothing on hers.  Being able to be 'glad' for crutches when you really wanted a doll, purely because you didn't need them, was an important lesson for me.

Being grateful helps you to step back from the intensity of existing within what might be a painful experience.  It helps you to look at it from another angle, and to have compassion for those who may be in a worse position to you.  Often when things get bad, it's easy to overlook the things in life that are really great, or the people around you who are amazing.  It gives you perspective.

Perspective is an important thing to have when things are tough.  Getting wrapped up in your head is one of the least useful things you can do.  Obsessing about bad things makes everything seem worse than it is.  Being grateful is not about belittling the feelings you have - it's ok to be sad/upset/pissed off about things/people/situations.  But after venting that stuff, it's really important to refocus that negativity into something positive - gratefulness is an excellent tool to aid in doing that.  There is no situation that this is not applicable to.  Things we take for granted, like having clean water to drink, are still things to be grateful for.  I know I probably sound like a Nana saying this, but it's true.

When I was younger, a serial monogamist with relationship drama after drama, when things were really bad I would watch this movie called Atanarjuat: The Fast Runner.  This film is set in the Arctic and is about a community that is cursed by an evil spirit.  It is three hours long, and highlights the difficult life of those who live in the Arctic, made more difficult by this evil spirit.  For almost an hour of the film, the protagonist is running buck naked across the ice being chased by three guys who are trying to kill him.   Watching this long, subtitled film pulled me out of my life for a bit.  I always came away from it thinking 'Well at least I'm not an Eskimo' (yeah, yeah - Inuit, I know).

I can't even begin to conceive of living in an igloo in close contact with other people where a big part of my day will consist of chewing on seal skin.  I hate the cold.  I don't really eat much meat, and I needs my personal space.  How could I exist with only lichen for greens?  And only over Spring/ Summer?   How would I cope with everything smelling of blubber, smoke and fish?  How would I live in a highly structured community with strict male/female roles?  Let alone coping with some curse which means my whole family gets killed and I have to run naked across the ice with no shoes for ages?  Watching this film has always put my life into perspective for me.

I've watched it enough by now to have this message ingrained, so I don't watch it any more.  Instead, I take some time to think about the things I am glad about.  It's such a habit now that it's seldom a challenge.  On really bad days where everything feels horrible, I focus on the simple things - like eating cheese, or having a bath, or getting up off the toilet without my hip displacing.  On better days I can focus on bigger picture stuff.  Being glad for things gets me through hard times like now.  So today I thought I'd write a short list of what I'm grateful for today:

1) I am grateful to be pregnant with a healthy baby.  At all.  We are so lucky that this even happened for us given my previous health issues.  Many people can't get pregnant or carry babies to term.  Even normal pregnancy is statistically unlikely - so many things have to happen at just the right time for it to occur.  I am glad I didn't go into labour last Thursday because it may have compromised the baby's health.  I am glad for every day we get closer to 37 weeks (only 8 sleeps to go).

2) I am grateful to live in a country/be of a belief system where I can choose how many children I want to have.  I am glad that if I choose not to, I never have to do this again, and I'm glad to be in a relationship where I do have a choice.  I am grateful to have access to safe contraceptive methods, and the knowledge with which to apply them.

3) I am grateful for my partner.  He has fetched me food from far away just because I'm sick/sad and want to eat a specific food from a specific place.  He gives me massages at least every couple of days.  He has come to all the classes I've asked him to, and is as invested in everything as I am.  He is definitely the best person I could ask for to be my birthing partner.  I have no doubts that he'll make an amazing Dad.

4) I am grateful for my friends and whanau.  I have an amazing support network which can never be taken for granted.  So many people who struggle do so because they do not have what I have.  These people amaze me on a daily basis with their willingness to support us in a multitude of ways.  Today my Grandma and Aunt dropped books off for me to read while stuck at home because it's hard for me to go to the library - I am so lucky.  I am grateful that both mine and Murray's parents are alive to be grandparents to our child.

5) I am grateful for the support and free services we have in New Zealand for mothers to be.  I am grateful for the range of birthing options we have, and free access to education about them.  I am grateful for my Midwife, for my Physio and our local hospital.  I am grateful to have access to the internet and pregnancy/baby related forums.  I am grateful that my cousin is training to be a Midwife, and has answered so many weird questions for me.  I am grateful that my brain is no longer overwhelmed by the information on offer.

6) I am grateful that we are fairly financially stable and that I am not working and not worried.  This is a luxury that could easily be taken for granted.  I don't know how I could possibly work in my current state although I'm sure there are many women out there who do because they have very little choice.

7) I am grateful that I'm not on bed-rest.  I don't know how I would cope with that.  Being housebound is bad enough.  Being bed-bound, particularly with what I've learnt through yoga, would be devastating. 

8) I am grateful for our pets.  Even though they can be annoying, they are a reason to get out of bed in the morning and a reason to laugh.  I am grateful we can afford to have pets, the small things they bring to life have more impact than we give them credit for.  I am also glad Murray let me put the rabbit in the house today (raining).  He looks like a cute wookie thing.

9) I am grateful for cheese.  Especially the nice cheese left after the family baby shower yesterday.  Especially because we have mustard and hummus and yummy other things to have with cheese in our fridge.  Especially because ODing on cheese totally combats my constipation.  Because I'm not supposed to eat that much of it. 

10) I am grateful for crappy TV, especially comedies.  Laughing at other people doing silly things helps get me through the day.  I am especially grateful for It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.  I am grateful to have friends who understand this.

On thinking things couldn't get any worse

As well as not taking into account how well my brain would work in the last 6 weeks it appears I hadn't taken into account how well my body would work.  Yesterday (Friday the 3rd) was to be my last day at work.  I was really looking forward to getting a chance to say goodbye to some of my favourite customers.  Sadly, I missed that opportunity.  After having a difficult second to last day at work, I spent Thursday night in Waitakere Hospital.

After a few hours at work I started getting intermittent pains which felt just like someone had punched me in the crotch -strong to the point of leaving me doubled over in pain, or unable to stand, but gone within 10 seconds or so.  After tracking the regularity of the pain, I had a brief look on some pregnancy forums as to what contractions feel like (I've never even had Braxton Hicks).  Although some people described theirs similarly to the pain I was experiencing, it definitely didn't seem the norm.  I called Murray at work and let him know, and left a non-urgent message with my Midwife.  They were happening about every 15 minutes, so I calculated how many more I'd have to tolerate through the workday, and figured I could handle working the rest of the day.

After almost two hours, they stopped.  My Midwife called me back, said it didn't sound like contractions, but to let her know if anything else changed.  Murray was going to pick me up from work to save me the pain of public transport.  Shortly before I finished work, the pubic pain was back but constant.  My uterus had also started contracting intermittently (usually painlessly), which I hadn't had happen before, and my belly position had noticeably changed.  I got in the car and as soon as I sat down I had that feeling of the onset of cystitis (fiery pain in urethra).  That car ride home was one of the most painful 40 minutes of my life - worse than travelling with a broken ankle whilst in shock.  It felt like cystitis coupled with someone punching me in the pubis, made worse by the baby moving like mad because of contractions and the movement increasing pubic pain.

Poor Murray!  I was yelling at him 'if this is what the rest of pregnancy's going to be like, I can't do it.  And if this is labour, I need an epidural.'  I was freaking out, because given the sudden onset and the level of pain, I had assumed it must be labour.  I've read and learned a LOT about labour, and this wasn't following any of the rules - particularly the rule of 'contractions will come, and they will go' - I was in constant pain.  All the breathing methods I'd learned pushed my diaphragm down which put more pressure on my pubic bone.  So I was feeling pretty helpless, sore and claustrophobic being trapped in a car on the motorway during peak hour traffic.

As soon as I got home I went straight to the toilet as felt (like with cystitis) the pain would lessen if I could only pee.  I was right.  Murray ran a bath while I sat on the toilet and told him to page my Midwife and bring me Panadol.  We waited to call her when I was calmer - even when the Panadol and bath kicked in things felt wrong.  After talking to her on the phone she said it probably was a urinary tract infection.  From my midwife I learned these are notorious for starting contractions and sometimes pre-term labour, so we had to go straight to hospital for monitoring.  This made me feel slightly relieved, as the level of pain and discomfort I was in surely couldn't be just a 'normal' side effect of pregnancy.  I don't know what I would have done to cope if I had to just stay home.

At hospital I was put on a foetal monitor and I was having regular, small and mostly pain free contractions - probably just Braxton Hicks but disconcerting seeing as I hadn't had them before.  The baby was fine.  I knew this would be the case because she had kicked the crap out of me all day.  The contractions obviously upset her, but not enough to hurt her.  I had some other tests and it was assumed it was a UTI so was given antibiotics, and had to stay overnight for observation and more monitoring.  It was my first time staying in Waitakere Hospital, and their rooms are wonderful - I had a whole room to myself.  And had I been in less pain, I probably would have slept ok.  The midwives and Drs there were great, and the next day my physio even visited me to schedule my next appointment. 

For us, it was a great dry run to hospital.  I am so glad I packed my hospital bags months ago as it meant we just grabbed them and put them into the car in case I needed them - which I did.  So I had toiletries and comfy clothes and even chocolate on hand.  We now know that when it's not peak hour, we can get to hospital in 10 minutes.  This is really handy to know.

After some more monitoring and another internal exam to check my cervix (very sore) it was decided I could go home around midday Friday.  My cervix wasn't dilated, but there had been some changes.  My Midwife wasn't sure if I was going to go into labour, or if the contractions would just slowly die off - either way, I would be better off at home.  I had contractions right up until today, and they've steadily grown less and less which is great.  Even if your contractions aren't labour related, they are exhausting.  And after over 36 hours of contractions, I feel wiped out and very hungry!

While it's great that contractions have settled, I've discovered I have a new wonderful pregnancy condition - SPD.  This was to be expected with the hip issues I've had, but it feels different to how I imagined.  Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction is another relaxin related bitch of a thing.  This is what has been causing the punched-in-the-crotch pain, which is by far worse than any other pain I've had.  I'm assuming this suddenly got worse on Thursday as with everything that was going on, my belly dropped again, so there will be more pressure than ever on my pubic area.  Unfortunately for some women, this level of pain is just there until they deliver.  I hope that's not me.  When I read that on a forum I cried.

I will be seeing my physio on Wednesday, so hopefully she can help a little.  Swimming is recommended, so I do plan on continuing with that as much as possible.  Currently, the pain is so bad I am having difficulty walking much more than around the house - and even that is hard.  So am now totally reliant on help to get to things like swimming and physio which sucks a big kumara, but is doable. 

While pregnancy really sucks now, and I just want it to end, I'm hoping we make it to 37 weeks.  This will mean better labour options for me, and lower health risks for our baby.  Thinking you might be in labour also makes you realise how unprepared you are.  There are still a few things that need sorting before she gets here.  To be honest though, I don't think I'll ever really feel prepared.  Even hearing the babies cry in hospital made me wonder 'what the hell am I doing?'

I can't remember if I've said this before, if so, I'll say it again: I am not going through this pregnancy dealio again.  I honestly don't think it makes sense to volunteer for this whilst having to look after an existing child - it's hard enough coping with no kids.  We'd love to have siblings for this baby-to-be, but after weighing things up I'm just not finding pregnancy (in this body) a very feasible method by which to procure them.  Keep us in mind if you get accidentally knocked up though - we'll totally whangai your baby!*

*Although I'm sure after reading all my blog posts you'll probably not think that wise... But if you do, we're totally keen to raise your baby (unless we already have a magical bonus baby somehow).